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Another family get together ruined

(113 Posts)
dortie145 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:49:14

My daughter and I don't get on. She has a 4 week old baby and my dgd 4 years old. They came down to visit my Mum with her husband for 2 days. I am in reduced circumstances and can't entertain. I booked a beach hut for them picked up the keys early got it ready played with my gd on the beach most of the day watched the baby cleared up after them returned the keys then went to work for 2 hours My daughters husband then had to go home for work. On my return I had a G&T before eating at 8. 30 on my own they had all dined. I then had a glass of wine my daughter lay on the sofa eating biscuits and breastfeeding and demanded I get her a glass of water I had just sat down and asked her to wait the evening descended into chaos with accusations of my lack of care and help and being drunk My Mum got involved told me off for having a drink so I left. I don't have a great relationship with my Mum but we had been getting on well since lockdown
This has happened so many times before now no-one is talking to me I am 64 years old my grandchildren are my life but I don't want to see them if we are going to row all the time
My childhood was full of domestic drama and I don't want this for them or to always be the bad guy.

Babyshark Tue 18-Aug-20 16:11:58

Why wouldn’t you get your daughter a glass of water whilst she was breastfeeding? If you’re mum and your daughter question your behaviour and the amount of alcohol you had consumed I’d take that as an indication that some self reflection was needed. If your poured your drinks 1 G&T and one glass of wine could easily be double measured and that would be enough to make me tipsy.

Breastfeeding is hungry and thirsty work so I guess I see it from your daughters POV.

Poppyred Tue 18-Aug-20 16:26:45

I think you have to take a long hard look at what’s going on. Getting a glass of water for your daughter would have been the best option and the best way to keep the peace. It would have only taken you a few seconds and would have avoided all the drama.

If your family are prone to domestic drama then you should learn the best way to avoid it.

Smile and wave as they say .....

Smileless2012 Tue 18-Aug-20 18:09:37

What would your daughter have done if she wanted a glass of water and you weren't there for her to "demand" you get it for her dortie?

I didn't breastfeed but if as Babyshark has posted, it's hungry and thirsty work, having made sure she had biscuits to eat, why didn't she get herself a drink too?

Having done so much, what a nerve for your daughter to accuse you of not caring and helping, and after a G&T and one glass of wine, saying you were drunkangry.

Why is no one talking to you? This is ridiculous and I hope you can find a way to be treated with some respect and be appreciated for all you do do from your ungrateful and entitled daughter.

With hindsight, getting your D a glass would have avoided any drama but

Smileless2012 Tue 18-Aug-20 18:11:19

oops posted too soonblush

...but you are one member of this family and it's the responsibility of all family members to avoid drama, rather than create it.

welbeck Tue 18-Aug-20 18:40:53

but do you drink too much.
perhaps you do, and you refuse to recognise it and that causes much of the drama and ill-feeling.
what you call one measure may be greater.
why wouldn't you simply get her the water.
looking after a young baby is hard work, plus a 4 year old, and elderly person around.
did she demand it or simply ask. such a request doesn't sound unreasonable.
you sound aggrieved that they had already eaten ?
are you a difficult person. have you ever considered this.

Chewbacca Tue 18-Aug-20 18:51:20

Me personally? Well, I do know that breastfeeding is very hungry, thirsty work and so I'd have willingly got my daughter a drink of water when she'd asked for one. As for the G&T and the glass of wine..... doesn't sound a lot to drink but, with one nursing mother, one baby, one 4 year old and an elderly mother to keep your eye on; it might have been better to have waited until you'd had time on your own to sit and relax to enjoy it. Only you know if your drinking too much. Are you?

V3ra Tue 18-Aug-20 18:56:05

From what you say you'd been on the go all day and had done more than your fair share at the beach earlier on!
Sorry but your daughter is experienced enough to make sure she's got a glass of water if she needs it before she settles down to breastfeed.

Toadinthehole Tue 18-Aug-20 19:05:33

She should have had the water ready before she started feeding. I always did. It’s not difficult. Sounds like you did enough. Maybe take a break from your family for a while, and do something you enjoy. Your daughter may just have post natal fractiousness, but she shouldn’t take it out on you. Any way...she can ask her gran for help for a while and see how they get on then. Enjoy your Gn’T.

NotSpaghetti Tue 18-Aug-20 19:12:59

I think someone here is assuming the daughter went to get biscuits but didn't get water. Maybe she had already drunk water and was still thirsty? Maybe the biscuits were just next to her and she ate them in an unthinking sort of way? Maybe she ate them and then realised she was desperate for a drink? ....We justdon't know the whole story here.

But... I would have thought getting a glass of water for someone you love who is breastfeeding a 4 week old is really not very much to ask - even at the end of a long day.

I would not have got myself a drink of any sort without offering a breastfeefing mum a drink either, as it happens... but I do know we aren't all the same.

Casdon Tue 18-Aug-20 19:22:26

I’m on the fence here. Your daughter has a new baby and a four year old, she’s probably shattered, and it’s not unreasonable for her to be tired by the evening. I can also see that she and her Gran get on well, and were probably quite happy sitting together at the end of the day when you got home - I’d have asked if they wanted anything before I sat down to enjoy my glass of wine to be honest, rather than making a thing of being asked for a glass of water - I think you’re seeing this situation from your perspective rather than thinking about how they are feeling too?

BlueBelle Tue 18-Aug-20 20:00:37

Oh come on just get her the water
Were you staying at your mums too ? Youd set the day up (which sounds lovely) why didn’t you round it off by Just getting her the water, it sounds such a small thing for it all to have gone sour over after all the lovely things organised by you for their day
If you were accused of being drunk perhaps you had had a bigger couple of glasses than you thought
It really all sounds very petty
You start off saying my daughter and I don’t get on so really it would have been amazing if it had gone smoothly wouldn’t it ?
Life’s too short to have bad feeling over a glass of water

Jane10 Tue 18-Aug-20 20:09:16

Why not just make a nice mug of tea for everyone in the first place before you settled down. Were you the only one have an alcoholic drink? If so it's a bit anti social. Maybe the others have a point.

Urmstongran Tue 18-Aug-20 20:18:07

You’d had a long day - going to work too for 2 hours and then settling down to eat your late dinner. Tired I expect.

I would have still passed that glass of water.

Learn to swerve the dramas and don’t play the martyr. 2 minutes and you’d have been sat back down with your wine and smiles all round.

crazyH Tue 18-Aug-20 20:45:26

Mothers and daughters!!!
When my daughter had both her children, she was very snappy and irritable, especially with me.. She and I are both very opinionated and we butt heads a lot. So post natal wasn't the best time for us. We love each other, but our personalities are very similar.
Your daughter is probably tired and a little help from you would go a long way.
I noticed you said you don't get on with your mum. Could alcohol be getting in the way of all your relationships? Have a little time to yourself, without the alcohol and see what's happening in your life. Good luck dortie !!!

Madgran77 Tue 18-Aug-20 21:57:46

You were tired. You had had a busy day. Your daughter is tired. She is breastfeeding and looking after a 4 year old. You are resentful because all you have done seems unappreciated. Your Mum meanwhile is pronouncing her views on your actions!

Your family you say are used to domestic drama, sounds like it is the norm. Are you are all caught up on a hamster wheel of creating dramas, arguments etc? ...If so the only thing that you can change in that is your own behaviours and expectations!!

The beach day and hut ...what a lovely gesture. But you already know how your family respond to your change your expectations, don't hope for appreciation that you know won't come. Either that or stop doing it, which would be a shame for you and your grandchildren.

You come home tired. Were you in all honesty feeling resentful , as I expect you have done on previous occasions? Not surprising if you were, but you probably knew how they would behave and be unappreciative, as it is probably a pattern. Only you know if your drinking was too much...?? But did you think Oh blow them, I will have a drink anyway, ungrateful lot? Resentment kicking in again? Was the glass of water the last straw? Did you therefore say "No" as a way of getting back ...knowing what would happen?

I am saying these things not to be unkind but to emphasise that the only thing you can change in your family dynamic is your own behaviours and maybe try honestly to look at those and move forward with a new strategy for yourself with your family. That way you can enjoy your grandchildren, and maybe avoid so much angst?

I am truly sorry that you are in this position. flowers

annep1 Tue 18-Aug-20 22:23:48

I think its difficult to give an objective opinion when we don't know exactly what everyone said. But I do wonder how your daughter "demanded" a drink of water. If she was rude in her way of asking I can understand you saying no. But if she simply asked why would you not?

Eloethan Tue 18-Aug-20 23:12:59

I don't think a G&T and a glass of wine indicates problem drinking.

On the face of it, I think dortie has been unfairly treated. I don't suppose, though, that this sort of scenario is so unusual in families, especially when people have had a busy and/or stressful day and are tired.

I hope things soon settle down for you dortie.

Randomactsofpurple Wed 19-Aug-20 02:21:34

Oh Dortie why didn’t you just get her a glass of water? It would have taken you 10 seconds and it would have saved all of this fuss.

Was it the drink talking? Was it a way of getting your own back on her , as in, ‘ ‘I got the beach hut , played with the kids, been to work , came back and ate on my own’ so you can jolly well get your own drink?
If so then maybe you shouldn’t drink when your family come to stay.
Incidentally as you were at your Mums I assume it was her drinks that you were having?
We all know that a drink served indoors, especially if you are stressed is often far stronger than if served in a pub, so a stiff G & T plus a glass of wine,plus feeling a bit stroppy, might have been why you wouldn’t get her a drink.

So, lay off of the drink for a bit and try to make it up with your family.

It’s usually everyone else who sees the quantities of alcohol consumed rather than the one that’s drinking it and you might have a bit of a problem.

I hope you can sort it all out.

BlueBelle Wed 19-Aug-20 06:24:23

* My daughter and I don't get on.*
* I don't have a great relationship with my Mum *

Is there any clues in these two statements, could it be that you need to look to yourself and see why you are having problems with your close relations

harrigran Wed 19-Aug-20 08:05:27

You say that your childhood was full of domestic drama and you do not want it in your life, sorry but you seem hell bent on recreating it.

Toadinthehole Wed 19-Aug-20 08:48:29

I don’t think the glass of water is the main issue. It sounds like it’s at the end of a long list. I can appreciate where the OP is coming from.

Toadinthehole Wed 19-Aug-20 09:32:48

Sorry*dortie145*, you seem to be being picked on from all angles. Stuck between a difficult mum, and a disrespectful daughter. You’re possibly drinking too much( not my thoughts), and making more of a drama than it need be. Taking you at face value...which is all any of us can do on here, it sounds like you did enough that day. I would rethink your life, and maybe don’t make your grandchildren the centre of it. Do something for you, because at the moment, it sounds like you’re in this position, because in the past, you’ve allowed people to take advantage. Your daughter was visiting your mum, so technically, your mum should have been hosting! Give yourself some space, and get your esteem back. Keep well.

Rosequartz39 Wed 19-Aug-20 10:09:43

Any adult punishes someone by refusing to speak is weird in my opinion. You’d worked hard looking after the kids and hut, then been to work. I would have had your meal and drink waiting ready for you. I don’t think an alcoholic would drink what you drank. I don’t feel you drank too much. An alcoholic would have had a hip flask of spirits on them all day.
If you want to keep the peace, in order to see your grandchildren it sounds like you may need to bite your tongue and do things you shouldn’t have to do. You had just got in and sat down, why didn’t your daughter or your mum grab some water? My sister breastfed while walking around doing things, but I don’t know if this is usual.
Perhaps you should do as they demand with the motive of seeing the little ones, but I feel they are being unreasonable.
It may be that even if you withdraw to protect yourself, your grandchildren may come looking for you when they are older. You might be able to see them on their own.
Perhaps everyone involved feels over sensitive/ unloved/ unimportant in some way and all need validation. In this case getting the water would be like saying I love you, which may explain your daughters over reaction.
I remember once when I was depressed, feeling that my mum was unreasonable and didn’t love me because she wouldn’t go to the shop to get me sanitary pads as I had a ‘surprise’ period. This was unreasonable of me but caused by depression and feeling unloved due to that.
Maybe try making it clear how much you love your daughter and mum ( even though you shouldn’t have to) if they are still horrible, ignore them.

jaylucy Wed 19-Aug-20 10:38:52

Personally, I always used to get a glass of water and put it nearby before beginning the feed. I found that if I didn't have at least 1 glass of water straight after a feed, there was no milk for the next!
Just wondering why you just didn't go and fetch a glass of water for your daughter ? Just doing that would have probably stopped all of the aggro for the rest of the evening!
The best that you can do is move on and hard as it is, try and forget this one evening - or maybe your mother has a point and your drinking, in turn ,makes you more aggressive than you need to be?
Maybe next family get together just either stick to one glass of alcoholic drink and then go on to fruit juice or Lambrusco that you can kid yourself you are drinking fizzy wine with.