AIBU Daughter in Law issues

@ Hithere
For example she wanted to celebrate Christmas with her family on Christmas. So she wanted me to change the day my family celebrates Christmas on a different day. So we have lot of family over on Christmas so she wanted me to not only rearrange my schedule but everyone else’s too.

My son asked her couldn’t we just rotate and she said she felt it was important that she saw her family and celebrated the holidays every year on the day.

It doesn’t but she doesn’t have to lie about it. Especially when I told her that I supported her decision and to make sure she tells the nurses exactly what she wants and they can follow it to the best of their ability. Son also said it was wrong for her to outright lie. He was shocked when her family showed up.

It was an accident that I apologized for. My son also agreed. It wasn’t a multiple boundary crossing thing but said he had to stand with his wife.

"Went off on me and told her that I’m trying to steal her firsts and that I wasn’t allowed to buy gifts for him."

Goodness people are awfully concerned about "firsts" these days, aren't they? Glad you gave her the receipt, so sorry to hear she didn't take the hint.

Sorry it wound up like that with the middle one. As long as you get comfy with the youngest daughter-in-law and son leading in the parenting of their new addition and leaving the grandparenting to you, I don't foresee any issues.

Right now she's leading by saying they've not made up their minds, best follow along and leave it be. Whatever decision they arrive at will be right for them, I'm sure.

Apologies for asking as I could be very off-base:

Could it have possibly been a "race" between grandmothers, here? You were both visiting and she must have felt a little on-the-spot. One of the first visits and we're talking about childcare, bang, right out the gate!

I can't comprehend the recent focus on "unsupervised time" as a trend. Shouldn't that happen organically, not as terms of some agreement?

I will say this... If you become known as the easygoing gran who's happy to go along with mum and dad's decisions without so much as raising a question, you will find a LOT of love pouring in all around. I think most of us learn that the hard way. Be the agreeable gran!

I wont derail this thread about middle dil when it's about youngest dil and son and baby.

Deborahrose I agree with other posters that you must stand back and let your son & his wife make their own decisions about childcare. It’s very early days, anyway.
The situation of grandparents’ visitation rights is clearly very different in the USA from the situation here in the U.K, where grandparents very rarely have visitation rights (as opposed to sometimes becoming the child’s full-time carer & having custody).
It just shows I think that sometimes laws are passed and then have unintended consequences - it seems very sad to me that because some grandparents do get visitation rights, this actually deters parents from allowing a natural relationship to develop with the child’s grandparents.
I hope things work out for you.

I’m on a few Facebook groups that heavily and I mean really heavily educate what states have GPR and urge people never to give their relative ammunition when it comes to their children. No matter how much they may never believe their family would never sue them for visiting. No matter how close they are now etc.

It’s like divorce. Nobody ever goes into a marriage believing they’re getting divorced. But a lot of people just put in safety nets just in case. Because nobody wants to be caught out if it ever does happen.

I am also curious why it is always the women’s fault and never these poor defenceless men.
On some of the groups the theory is magic vaginas.

Magic vaginas sounds like a workable theory

Agreeing with others here, their child, their rules. Your DS and DIL have obviously given a good deal of thought as to how they plan to parent. And I agree a GP role is to support that, be a role model and spoil the kids (within reason).
Unfortunately I think DIL has seen what could be perceived as over stepping with middle DIL - issues with holidays, trying to claim “1sts” and kissing baby. To her and DS’s credit they have set out their stall so to speak and have let you know what their expectations are in terms of your involvement. This could organically change if you are happy to respect their parenting choices, as their child grows up assuming you follow their lead and trust develops.
As a 1st time mum I’d honestly be a bit wary of you just now given the issues around middle DIL, so please tread carefully - I know you’re full of good intentions and trying to help, but help is only really truly help if it’s actually something that is required, otherwise it’s perceived as interference.

"Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s absurd to not want grandparents to help take care of a child if they are offering?."

Answering your question- yes, you are being very unreasonable.

It is not absurd to say no to an offer.

It is unreasonable to expect a yes just because you offer.

This applies to everybody, dna link or not.

I love how it’s always a DIL issue. Your son would never make a decision you don’t agree with. Right? Give me a break. Considering you already have one estranged son, DIL and GC, I would learn to respect boundaries. Don’t question their choices because quite honestly, it’s not your business why they do the things they do.

Your DILs don't sound unreasonable. I think it is fine to say you are available to help with childcare if they are interested in that, then drop the subject unless they come to you about it. Please don't blame your DILs for decisions that are equally your own sons' decisions too though.

Parenting is different now and there are considerations we never had, like GPR and preferring daycare over family minding children might have more to do with what they perceive as the benefits childcare offers vs. family. Also, even though they have looked into daycare, for all you know DIL is now considering being a SAHM for a time and won't need care.

In the end, all these decisions are theirs to make by right and GPs have no say in it. There is no issue with DIL or your sons as far as any of the situations you have raised. The onl y issue is that it doesn't suit what you would choose, so you need to manage your own expectations and support them in their parenting and choices.

you are obviously and educated competant and experienced person, yet you seem to lack some insight.
i guess we all do, when it comes to our own outlook and behaviour.
do you honestly believe that if someone does not agree with accepting what you offer, that is absurd.
can you not see how absurd that statement is.

Deborahrose I don't think the DIL is being unreasonable in all of that.

The one who has my sympathy is the baby! Only 3 weeks old, but already everyone is talking about who is going to be looking after him and when. The only person he needs at the moment is his mother.

Back off, give the DIL and your son time to get used to being parents. IF they want your help at some stage, be gracious and accept. Until then, leave them to settle with their baby.

How sad all these “rules “ being made.
What has happened to common sense and talking.

If the OP was being told she would not be allowed to see and visit the grandchildren, that would be a problem. It does not seem to be the case. Enjoy being grandparents without the extra work! You have offered to help, if need be. Enough! One of the advantages of being grandparents is the oft-quoted “You can enjoy them but then give them back.”

By the way, I am also an RN and would never have dreamed of assuming it gave me extra rights over my grandchildren.

Lucca hard to say why some grand parents stopped using common sense and started demanding access instead of waiting until parents needed/wanted support. It is a shame new parents need rules to protect their right to parent their way. Especially when the way things are done has changed so much. Maybe us older generations need to make more effort to keep up.

The common sense works both ways.
I didn’t get the impression from the OP that any access had been demanded ? Merely a question about their plans, if any, for childcare.
However I sense there may be more to this than meets the eye....

Babyshark

I don’t think what your middle dil did was that bad at all.

Really? Being spiteful and tellings lies is pretty bad in my book.

Lucca there usually is, maybe we should have a gransnet mediation service and bring the DILs into the discussion lol

OK that probably wouldn't work but would be interesting

For everyone commenting
I never once demanded overnights, I never once expected anything.
I did not question or interrogate them.

They were the ones that brought it up. Them not her mother not me ....them. They were talking about it and asking for our insight. Not us.

I don’t think I’m entitled to anything at all. I have been nothing but encouraging to my youngest and she felt comfortable enough expressing her concerns to me. In multiple comments I have addressed what my sons have said. My middle son doesn’t agree with dil but stands by her as he is her wife.

My youngest son and dil were only even discussing this because they got an email from the daycare.

Deborahrose for whatever reason it sounds like son and DIL needed to set boundaries with grandparents for their own peace of mind. Wherever they have heard horror stories doesn't matter. They are anxious new parents and you probably don't need to take it personally.

Just let them have their boundaries, be mindful of them and I am sure as others have said, trust will build over time.

You're obviously upset but to go back to your very last sentence in your original post.

It's not absurd to refuse an offer of help, however kindly meant.
It's not absurd for a mum to want to be with her new baby and to be the caregiver. It's natural.

Absurd is a very judgemental word.

AIBU Daughter in Law issues

I’m sorry OP but once again. This alone raises a lot of questions and says more than you may want.

"Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s absurd to not want grandparents to help take care of a child if they are offering?."

Yes. You’re also already suffering from a dose of good, old fashioned jealousy.

I would have been completely horrified at the suggestion of my MIL being in the delivery room with me, nurse or no nurse (or obstetrician, for that matter) or even outside the door. Birth is a private matter, between parents and absolutely essential medics.
You will know that babies under 1 year of age are at the greatest risk of SIDS, which is why I would not have left mine with anyone else overnight until they were older. As a new grandmother, I wouldn’t want the responsibility of overnights until that concern has passed.
I don’t have the choice now anyway. We can’t see our grandchild, until Covid is dealt with. He lives with his mum and dad at my SIL’s parents’ home for the foreseeable, seeing them every day. If I allowed jealousy and worry about who he’ll prefer to chew me up, I’d be a basket case by now. For the moment, I’m just glad he is surrounded by people who love him as much as I do.

Give it up. Be yourself with your grandchild when you do spend time with them and as they grow they’ll work out their own relationship with you.
You really don’t want to be that grandmother.

The last sentence of your original OP shows a level of entitlement that signals a problem.

The conversation you had with your son and young dil is also another sign there is trouble in paradise. Why bring those subjects up just for fun?

I wouldnt do anything without asking for permission first. I would wait to be invited to visit them. I wouldnt ask them for pictures or videos of the baby.
Let them enjoy this time that flies away too fast.

I’m really curious why your middle DIL lied about the shower.

The rest I can sort of understand.

As far as the new set of parents, I think that they are preemptively setting boundaries, for whatever reason they feel they need to. I think it is a little unreasonable to expect them to jump at any offers of help, but as long as they know that your offers don’t come with pushing us, eventually they will more than likely accept or ask for help. It truly needs to come from them.

As far as using a proper daycare instead of family, I think they are very smart. This way grandparents get to be grandparents instead of nursery providers. It keeps the lines from becoming blurred and there would be no awkwardness if it came to needing to fire a grandparent.