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AIBU

Husband does not want a party

(152 Posts)
Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 08:13:21

My husband will be 70 next week. That's a pretty good milestone I think and most people have a party or whatever. We have an issue however, my husbands sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago, she had kemo and went into remission. About a month ago she was told the cancer had returned and was in her spine from her neck to her pelvis.
There is no cure for this, she is on kemo again which will slow down the disease but that's all.
My husband and his sister are not all that close, in fact a lot of the time he has issues with a lot of things she does but he has decided he does not want a big party for his birthday as it would be inappropriate to celebrate turning 70 when she is not going to reach that age. I don't have a problem with that.
Anyhoo he told me to tell this to our daughters who said ok no big party but how about they just invite us round to dinner on his birthday. I mentioned this to him and he said well ok.
I understand the no big party thing I do, well mostly I do, lets say I understand that's how he feels and its his feelings so he has a right to them. But, I just told him about the invitation to dinner and he said "why" and I said well they just wanted to make you dinner for your birthday. He was less than enthusiastic and said " you told them no big party right". Honestly, it is pizza and chilli on the back deck of our youngest daughters house, there will only be our kids, its not even a party just pizza and chilli. Our girls love him and they want to share his birthdays with him because as our youngest says he's not getting any younger and he has polycystic kidney disease and who knows when his last birthday will be.
Is it unreasonable to want that, to want to just have him over for dinner?
The reality is that his sister is not going to die next week, she's not going to die this year and she may not die next year.
I am wondering if there is something else going on but when I ask him he just says no.

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 10-Oct-20 10:39:32

You can’t have parties at the moment anyway. Why not just put it on hold for now, and celebrate when it’s safe to do so.

Illte Sat 10-Oct-20 10:52:45

I'm not sure putting off the celebration till another time is the answer.

He doesn't want a party, full stop. Like other posters, the thought of a party fills me with dread at any time.

Even if it's just pizza, it's a get together for his birthday, right? So there'll he Happy Birthdays and some presents and people getting together.

Oh you mean a Party! Albeit a low key one. 😱

Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 10:55:36

I am in Australia and where we are you are allowed up to 30 people in our homes.
It is not me who wants a do, its the kids, they had planned on doing a party but when i told them what their father had said they suggested a dinner instead.
My husband is a quite sociable person and was happy to go to a wedding last weekend and chat with others there. He was also happy to go to our daughters house a few weeks ago and had a lovely time.
He would not be worried about a surprise party because we don’t do surprise parties in our family and the girls would never do that to him.
We had a big party for his 60th and he loved it so its not that he is against parties.
Sorry if this is disjointed I am trying to answer everyone

kircubbin2000 Sat 10-Oct-20 10:59:17

The children did this for their dads 60th. He said it was the worst day of his life.Another time my friend rang to say she was calling that evening. He got into the car and didn't come back until she had gone.

Illte Sat 10-Oct-20 11:04:37

Ah well, just at the moment he doesn't want a party or a family get-together.

Maybe he's sad and doesn't want to have to pretend to be happy.

Just let it be, I think.

V3ra Sat 10-Oct-20 11:05:41

Glorybee I was manipulated like that once into something everyone else wanted. I sat there wishing I hadn't gone and hated it.

seacliff Sat 10-Oct-20 11:06:31

I too am 70 at the end of this month and I told my OH a year ago that I did not want a party (he did a surprise one for my 60th). I said I'd rather have a nice holiday. Well the most that will happen now is a meal or two with friends/family, depending on current rules. I'd love to see my boys but that is a no for one, down under, and unlikely for the other. Just have to make the best of it. For me it doesn't seem to warrant a celebration.

Maybe have a word with your children and explain it must be a very casual meal and very low key. They really must go with his wishes. Hopefully they will agree, as they won't want to upset their Dad.

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 10-Oct-20 11:07:18

Oh ok, so maybe you just have to wait until he does feel like celebrating. He won’t enjoy it if he’s distracted. Nothing wrong with a belated party. Why should it matter if you’re all enjoying it?

Grammaretto Sat 10-Oct-20 11:12:50

You should have explained where you are Kartush it would have stopped us all getting jumpy!
We are definitely not allowed to see any of our family at present so I am jealous envy
I would love to be invited to a dinner party cooked by one of the DC .
I had my 70th pre covid. Like the Queen I had it on a different day from the actual date so that all our family could be there. A garden party at the end of June. Highly recommended!

I don't think YABU it is his birthday and a small dinner is in no way disrespectful to his sister. She wouldn't want everything to stop because of her.
You can save the big bash for your own big day.

annodomini Sat 10-Oct-20 11:23:58

Each to their own. I enjoy the kind of party where old friends and relations who may not get together very often are able to see each other and get up to date. My family put one on for my 70th when friends and relatives came from far and near, for an afternoon 'do'. It was fun and friendly and wonderfully catered by my super-efficient sons and their partners. I'd much rather they all came together while I'm alive than have to feel obliged to come to my funeral! Sadly, my 80th next month will be much more low-key!

Rainwashed Sat 10-Oct-20 11:47:49

If you don’t ‘do’ surprise parties, but your daughters were planning one, I would have thought the idea would have been put to your DH before now. Although maybe it hasn’t due to uncertainty over Covid? If he had had more time to think it over he might have come round to the idea.
However I think it is understandable he may feel it is not a time for celebration at the moment given his sister’s situation.
Just ask him how he would like to spend the day and do that, as others have said.

Chewbacca Sat 10-Oct-20 12:07:33

My idea of hell is a birthday party and double hell would be a "surprise" birthday party. I've gone to extraordinary lengths to avoid being at home on my birthday, just so that I don't have the fuss of it all. If your husband feels the same as I do; leave him alone to spend the day exactly as he wants to. What's the point of arranging an event that the "guest of honour" doesn't want to be at, resents it being arranged against his express wishes and will, likely as not, be the "party pooper". Leave him be.

Delila Sat 10-Oct-20 12:24:35

I think “nothing at all” should stay on the options list. It’s his birthday, let him be.

quizqueen Sat 10-Oct-20 12:32:35

I hate parties; a family meal sounds lovely though. People who insist others should want and enjoy a big party are not considering what others prefer and are just projecting their own wants.

Iam64 Sat 10-Oct-20 12:35:28

Fabulous to see so many party poopers. Maybe we could have our own virtual party, none of us need join we could sit happily at home, with a cup of tea, a piece of cake and a good book (or indulgence of choice)
Yes Kartush, its his 70th, let him choose. Maybe you and your lovely daughters could celebrate and let him have a quiet time doing what ever he likes

Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 12:42:20

Rainwashed the girls were talking about a party because we could have had it at their cafe as they have a covid system in place but before they could talk to their father about it he decided because of his sister he didnt want a party. It would not have been a surprise.

Spice101 Sat 10-Oct-20 12:53:02

Kartush I'm envious of you being able to have 30 in your home. I'm in Melbourne and still not allowed to have any visitors in our homes.

I did not have a party for my 70th - but did have dinner with family.

PinkCakes Sat 10-Oct-20 12:55:44

It's his birthday. Let him do what he wants. If he would like to stay at home and not do anything, let him. If he would like to go out somewhere, let him. Whatever he wants to do, it should be his decision.

I was 60 last year and chose not to go out (I hate parties, my husband is the same, we're both introverts), so we had a buffet-type meal at our eldest son's house, with son no. 2 and the grandchildren too.

Rainwashed Sat 10-Oct-20 14:11:29

Yes OP I thought afterwards I had worded my post badly. I meant if your daughters were planning a party I realised it wasn’t meant to be a surprise.

hollysteers Sat 10-Oct-20 14:28:08

Irish Grandpa

“Grandpa, what would you like for your Birthday?”
“A cup of tea and a bit of peace and quiet.”

Seriously, I never have BIG birthdays (and nothing, ever as a child...😢) as I have been lying about my age for years for the stage and got so confused at one time I couldn’t remember myself how old I was😁
For my 70th, just widowed, I had tea at Claridges with daughter and sister, drinks in Mayfair and a peep at Diana’s dresses in Kensington Palace. Just right and I will always remember it.
The birthday boy has the right to do what he wants.

Gwenisgreat1 Sat 10-Oct-20 14:36:32

My DH turned 80 last month and we couldn't have a party. My daughters had a brilliant idea, we all 6 drove to Scarborough where he was brought up on a farm, Picked up his sister, got the farmers permission to walk round the farm. Went locally for a fish supper. We all drove home to Harrogate including sister. Next day, DD1 held a little party for him. The day after DH and I drove his sister back to Scarborough. DH thoroughly enjoyed his 80th Birthday!

Tweedle24 Sat 10-Oct-20 14:52:28

You say there is an issue. I don’t mean to be rude or unkind but, where is the issue? It is your husband’s birthday. He does not want a party or dinner with family. He has made his feelings clear. That should be the end of it. Your children should respect his wishes and leave well alone.

biba70 Sat 10-Oct-20 14:56:22

His choice, end of.

PECS Sat 10-Oct-20 14:56:46

We do enjoy paries and celebrating in our family. My DH had a big gathering for his 70th ..but he took the initiative..all I did was organise a cake & a few decorative touches! It is my 70th in March but not planning a 'do'! Have booked a house in the hope that we, DDs/ DGCs can all be together for a weekend by the sea... if not DH & I will rattle around in the place on our own!

I always think it is up to the birthday person to decide if they do or don't want to celebrate .. & what form that celebration should be!

Maggymay Sat 10-Oct-20 15:05:56

I will be 70 at the end of this month,DD is cooking a family meal, there will be 5 of us there.
This is perfect for me as I loathe parties.