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AIBU

Husband does not want a party

(152 Posts)
Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 08:13:21

My husband will be 70 next week. That's a pretty good milestone I think and most people have a party or whatever. We have an issue however, my husbands sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago, she had kemo and went into remission. About a month ago she was told the cancer had returned and was in her spine from her neck to her pelvis.
There is no cure for this, she is on kemo again which will slow down the disease but that's all.
My husband and his sister are not all that close, in fact a lot of the time he has issues with a lot of things she does but he has decided he does not want a big party for his birthday as it would be inappropriate to celebrate turning 70 when she is not going to reach that age. I don't have a problem with that.
Anyhoo he told me to tell this to our daughters who said ok no big party but how about they just invite us round to dinner on his birthday. I mentioned this to him and he said well ok.
I understand the no big party thing I do, well mostly I do, lets say I understand that's how he feels and its his feelings so he has a right to them. But, I just told him about the invitation to dinner and he said "why" and I said well they just wanted to make you dinner for your birthday. He was less than enthusiastic and said " you told them no big party right". Honestly, it is pizza and chilli on the back deck of our youngest daughters house, there will only be our kids, its not even a party just pizza and chilli. Our girls love him and they want to share his birthdays with him because as our youngest says he's not getting any younger and he has polycystic kidney disease and who knows when his last birthday will be.
Is it unreasonable to want that, to want to just have him over for dinner?
The reality is that his sister is not going to die next week, she's not going to die this year and she may not die next year.
I am wondering if there is something else going on but when I ask him he just says no.

Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 15:47:52

So after all of that, as we got into bed tonight he turned to me and said that maybe dinner at the girls would be ok. I swear that man will do my head in.... good thing i am ridiculously fond of him

NotSpaghetti Sat 10-Oct-20 16:18:10

No, no, no. He doesn't want it.
Let it go please.

NotSpaghetti Sat 10-Oct-20 16:20:36

Just read your last post Kartush. Sorry.
I have to say I feel he's doing it out of love for you all.... I say this as I can see myself in his position.
Have a nice, quiet, loving time.

Baggs Sat 10-Oct-20 17:13:01

I haven't read the thread. I'm answering the OP.

I think it is unreasonable for other people to want to involve someone who doesn't want to celebrate his birthday in any kind of "do". The OP's husband has made his feelings about what he wants and doesn't want perfectly clear.

I think many adults make far too much fuss about birthdays. Kids are different, of course.

welbeck Sat 10-Oct-20 17:45:19

it sounds like he feels ganged up on, and that he has to make a concession as you all let him off the original party.
why can't you just accept him for who he is.
that would be a real present to him.
the opening piece about his sister sounds as if he has not enough justification to get out of celebrating on that account.
it is all wrong. if you are very fond of him, it must be for the whole him, not as if he is a favoured pet.
he doesn't want a party or a dinner or any special do.
let him have what he wants. on his birthday. put his mind at ease that you all will not keep trying to pressurise him into doing something you want.
it's his day. he is king. for one day.

Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 23:42:10

Thank you all for your comments as always I find alot of them insightful. In closing I think that I should just say that in the 48 years that we have been together I have never ever seen my husband be pressured into doing anything he does not want to do, not even for love, it is just not in his nature.

V3ra Sun 11-Oct-20 00:01:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissAdventure Sun 11-Oct-20 00:32:57

I sabotaged a friend's surprise party arrangements by announcing I was going away for my birthday.

My daughter told me in advance because she knew I would absolutely loathe it.

FarNorth Sun 11-Oct-20 00:44:32

Maybe your husband is afraid it might turn out to be the dreaded “Surpriiiiiise!”

That's what I was thinking.

Hithere Sun 11-Oct-20 01:34:24

I doubt he truly wants a dinner for his birthday. He just may want to make you and the daughters happy.
It is him to be truly fond of you and his children.

I would just tell him: it is your birthday and you tell me what you want - just you want" Don't give him any suggestion and drop it. If he brings up anything, that's the plan to follow.
If he doesnt mention anything again, just a normal day will be the plan.

Baggs Sun 11-Oct-20 07:11:49

Well said, hithere. It’s amazing how many people just don’t get the idea of letting bloody birthdays just pass with NO fuss at all.

WOODMOUSE49 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:30:11

I was 70 at the end of last year. My request was no cooking so DH took me out to our favourite restaurant. Perfect meal. Walk on beach in moonlight afterwards and back home.

Best birthday ever. No surprises. Hate them.

cc Sun 11-Oct-20 09:30:21

It really isn't appropriate at the moment during the pandemic, particularly if he has health problems.
My DH doesn't like birthday celebrations either, if he's agreeable we have had immediate family and maybe his best friend, but certainly not this year. We haven't even seen close family since March.

rizlett Sun 11-Oct-20 09:31:37

At 70 surely he's earned the right to do what he wants on his birthday.

For those in the family that don't agree that's their problem to address rather than putting pressure on someone they love to do something they don't actually want to do.

Florida12 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:34:59

Some people revel in attention and some don’t need to. It is his Birthday, and he is probably a bit wary in case a “surprise!” party is sprung upon him. My sister in law is 70 next Saturday and doesn’t want a fuss, so fair play.
In these situations it’s useful to respect their wishes, it’s not all about us or our children and we want.
I do hope he has a lovely Birthday.

Aepgirl Sun 11-Oct-20 09:35:21

My thoughts exactly kittylester. A party is not possible at the moment.

dancingdolly123 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:36:14

Hi there I love a good party and gathering family and friends together we should celebrate as much as we can in this uncertain time but if your husband doesn't want a gathering for his 70th then just go with it buy him gifts obviously something that he needs/would like and have a meal together to celebrate..Hope all goes well on the day whatever happens good luck..🤞

magshard20 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:38:13

Fully understand how your OH feels, my 70th at the end of this year, also 50th wedding anniversary next March. I have told my family and close friends I want NO fuss for either, although with all these restrictions in the North, with possibly more put in place tomorrow, the chance would be a fine thing!! People may think me miserable, but each to their own choice........

Shazmo24 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:41:50

If you are in UK then the Rule of 6 applies...if in US do you really want to be known as a "Superspreader" of the virus.
It's your husbands birthday so let him decide!

Witzend Sun 11-Oct-20 09:44:23

I’m not much of a party person, so told family that I really didn’t want any fuss for my not very long ago 70th.

However, dds and dh went ahead regardless and booked a very large house for a weekend, big enough for some far-flung family to stay, too.
I was told at least a week beforehand, and must admit that I did enjoy the get-together - esp. the far flung lot who we rarely see. It was all very relaxed, and I wasn’t allowed to do any cooking!

Patticake123 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:44:36

In answer to your question AIBU? Yes. It’s his birthday, he doesn’t want a fuss. I held a dance for my 60th birthday and felt it was an extremely expensive waste of money. I was so anxious that everything went well I didn’t enjoy it myself. Last month I was 70 and I had a fabulous time. I spent the day with my husband, daughter and family - 6 of us. Had a delicious meal and didn’t have to worry about anything. Let him do what he wants.

Nannapat1 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:44:46

I'm wondering where you live that parties are permissable - Australia or NZ? If he doesn't want one, don't do it. When he says no, it doesn't sound like he really means yes.

Kim19 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:48:15

Last year I had a zero birthday. Very compact family lunch was organised in a favourite venue. At check-in I was told 'your guests have arrived' whereupon additional family members appeared out of the surrounding area. Very well managed, I must say. Now, had I been given this option, I would have rejected it out of hand. Too much fuss and bother. However, I concede I was wrong on this occasion and did indeed have a crazier memorable day. Oh yesssss..... As I an aside, I wonder if anyone could enlighten me as to why we make zeros SO special? I love them all. I asssume it was a totally commercial gambit originally and we all ended up suckered in.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 11-Oct-20 09:49:21

I actually think it’s his 70th birthday and he should decide how he wants to spend his day! It’s HIS birthday after all isn’t it,

Phloembundle Sun 11-Oct-20 09:53:10

Why do people always highjack others' celebrations? Is he really not allowed to do want he wants on HIS birthday? Give him a break for God's sake!