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AIBU

30 years of being cheated on. Should I give up?

(68 Posts)
Juneb Fri 16-Oct-20 00:03:55

My husband cheated on me and lied to me for 30 years. I’ve tried to save our marriage over and over again, but he continues to disrespect me and blame me. He has physically and mentally abused me. I haven’t told my now grown up children as I haven’t wanted to involve them. I’m at breaking point. Been to counselling but he says it’s rubbish - accused me of ganging up against him with the counsellors! I’ve tried to help him, I’ve concealed my distress but I’m at the end of my tether. Ive searched over and over again for a reason why he doesn’t treat me better and why he doesn’t foster
caring relationships with others and I’m now wondering whether he could be on the autistic spectrum. I dont want to walk a way but I’m at my wits end. Please help.

MerylStreep Fri 16-Oct-20 17:34:08

I think you wanted solutions as to how to 'fix him' but I'm sorry to tell you: he can't be 'fixed'
Walking away isn't easy, I know, it's hard emotionally and financially but at sometime, if you want a better ( and safer) life your just going to have to woman up.

Fennel Fri 16-Oct-20 17:42:58

I had a similar first marriage. I was very naive and believed in 'for better for worse'.
I had a very gentle, kind Dad, no brothers, and hadn't experienced how different men can be.
Put up with it for the sake of the children but cracked after about 15 years and told him to leave. Which he did (surprisingly).
I had thought of leaving earlier but no-where to go - no finances etc. But by then I had a good job and was able to stand on my own feet and support our 3 children. Eventually met and married my very kind 2nd husband.
So June you're not doing yourself or him any favours ( or your God). If you can leave him and start again.
You only have one life, make the most of it.

V3ra Fri 16-Oct-20 18:02:46

This is such an upsetting story to read, I could weep for you dear Juneb.
You have suffered for longer than anyone should have to, please don't suffer any more.
Lots of good advice on here x

varian Fri 16-Oct-20 18:13:07

Why Juneb do you not want to walk away?

SpringyChicken Fri 16-Oct-20 18:41:31

He doesn't love you, Juneb, he never will. Don't waste the rest of your life on him.

kittylester Fri 16-Oct-20 20:08:35

Juneb please contact Women's Aid!

Stephenmarra Sat 17-Oct-20 02:10:57

I hope Juneb Is still around to take on board the excellent advise and shared experiences that has been posted here.

vampirequeen Sat 17-Oct-20 11:13:46

Leave him. He's making you miserable. Life is too short to waste it with someone like him. I stayed with my abuser for 27 years until it became escape or death. There were no other options. Plan your escape. Make sure you have somewhere to live and go. Life is so much better once you're free from abuse.

BlueSky Sat 17-Oct-20 11:28:25

Why aren’t you leaving? Is it financial? It’s better being on your own supporting yourself, even on benefits if you can’t get a job, than living with an abuser. Go before it’s too late and you won’t have the option!

Iam64 Sat 17-Oct-20 12:09:55

Women's Aid and a solicitor who specialises in divorce.
Also find a counsellor for yourself

ClareAB Sat 17-Oct-20 12:31:30

What would you say to a loved one if they came to you for advice about this situation?
Run. Run as fast as you can, towards a life you deserve, and don't look back. You are not responsible for this man. Tell your adult children and give them the opportunity to help you. You'll be surprised at how much they already know.

Patsy70 Sat 17-Oct-20 16:40:34

Juneb Please don't stay with this abusive cheat any longer. You deserve better. I lived in fear of my first husband, but I was young. You have experienced 30 years of this behaviour. Time to leave.

FlexibleFriend Sat 17-Oct-20 17:14:30

You keep letting him get away with it so he keeps doing it. The only way to stop it is call time on it and start divorce proceedings.

BlueSky Sat 17-Oct-20 17:22:29

Fennel I could have written your post, from the kind dad, to no brothers, down to the sentence “how different men could be”! Also wanted to leave earlier but couldn’t till I got a job to support myself, met and married my lovely second husband and above all ‘You only have one life, make the most of it’!

Grandmafrench Sat 17-Oct-20 17:36:45

I can't believe you don't want to walk away. You surely can't think that you deserve this treatment. All the time he has been able to get away with his awful behaviour, you have been enabling it. You're even suggesting he may be unable to help his disgraceful behaviour. Face it, he's probably just a horrible person and you shouldn't want any part of life with him any longer. If you're not there, he can't abuse you. Stop trying to fix something that must be - after 30 years - unfixable. Counselling for him would only work if he wanted to repair your marriage. He doesn't, so it's rather like telling him he's going to give up smoking. He's not, until HE decides to.

Tell your children, stop covering up, stop wishing things were different - make them different, stop allowing yourself to be treated so badly and GO. See a Solicitor, take proper advice, and find somewhere to live.

Tell yourself you deserve so much more and grab the rest of your life and live it, surrounded by people who care for you. I would - it seems that everyone on here would. We can't all be wrong and we're wishing hard for you to have a happy life!

GillT57 Sat 17-Oct-20 17:46:16

Stop trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and stop making excuses for him. If one of your children came to you and told you what you have just told us, what would you advise? Tell them to waste even more time with counselling? Or leave? Get a solicitor, get out. He is not a partner, he is an abuser.

ValerieF Sat 17-Oct-20 20:23:24

Think others have pretty much said it all but why JuneB do you say you don't want to walk away? Small steps is all it takes. Are you scared to make those steps? Or is your lifestyle something you think you can trade for your husbands behaviour? Only you can decide. As you sound you don't want this lifestyle then make plans. Talk to a solicitor, get your affairs in order, then present your husband with a fait accompli. THIS is what I am doing!

That way you will know exactly where you stand and forget what ever he says in response. Just give him the papers!

If you start worrying or wondering what is going on in his head you will lose momentum so be absolutely clear in your head what you want.

readsalot Mon 19-Oct-20 10:43:32

Why don't you want to walk away? What are you afraid of? You have lived an unhappy life for 30 years and you know that this will not change. I think you have low self esteem but you are stronger than you realise. I and many others have found the courage to walk away from a difficult relationship and you can too. You are not to blame and you have not failed at marriage. Time to call it a day and live your best life, without your abusive husband! Best wishes.

Alexa Mon 19-Oct-20 11:34:18

June, thirty years is more than enough to try to save your marriage. You need moral support from a counsellor to help you to find your way through this dilemma. Do not tell him you are seeing a counsellor. He has forfeited your confidence.

Toyoungtobeadamnedgran Mon 19-Oct-20 16:08:26

You have wasted far to much time and energy in this marriage. If you can speak to your children about this then do so, they already know but don't wan to say anything to you. There are lots of support groups for abused woman.
I wish you luck in the future but please please think of yourself first, and I'm speaking from experience, your worth more than this life you already have, things will get better if you make the first move and stay strong. Good Luck x

Toyoungtobeadamnedgran Mon 19-Oct-20 16:09:13

* they might already know

coastiepostie Mon 19-Oct-20 21:33:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starblaze Mon 19-Oct-20 21:38:11

No, you shouldn't give up, you have done that for too long already.

Start not giving up and go be amazing. You deserve so so much better

Toyoungtobeadamnedgran Wed 21-Oct-20 11:52:59

Juneb I hope you are ok x

Patsy70 Sun 25-Oct-20 20:25:37

Juneb How are you? We’re concerned about your welfare and what your plans are. flowers