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30 years of being cheated on. Should I give up?

(68 Posts)
Juneb Fri 16-Oct-20 00:03:55

My husband cheated on me and lied to me for 30 years. I’ve tried to save our marriage over and over again, but he continues to disrespect me and blame me. He has physically and mentally abused me. I haven’t told my now grown up children as I haven’t wanted to involve them. I’m at breaking point. Been to counselling but he says it’s rubbish - accused me of ganging up against him with the counsellors! I’ve tried to help him, I’ve concealed my distress but I’m at the end of my tether. Ive searched over and over again for a reason why he doesn’t treat me better and why he doesn’t foster
caring relationships with others and I’m now wondering whether he could be on the autistic spectrum. I dont want to walk a way but I’m at my wits end. Please help.

wetflannel Thu 29-Oct-20 13:52:09

Juneb you have had some good responses on here. Please believe me when I say he will never change. I have a friend who went through almost the same scenario and did in fact end up having a breakdown. That is what finally opened her eyes to the reality of the awful life she had endured. Break free from this vile man, get your ducks in a row, find out where you stand financially, see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. Make the rest of your life a happy one. If you have family make them aware of what you have endured all these years.

Coolgran65 Thu 29-Oct-20 14:07:52

No point in me repeating what everyone else has said.
See a solicitor and get rid.

biba70 Thu 29-Oct-20 14:16:06

You know the answer to your question- deep down. Sad you haven't left him 20 years ago- but time, now, once and for all. Courage.

trustgone4sure Mon 02-Nov-20 14:00:25

Hithere is spot on.
You teach people how to treat you,so do something about it.

Patsy70 Mon 02-Nov-20 14:12:10

We haven't heard from you for a while, Juneb, and wondering how you are?

Blossoming Mon 02-Nov-20 14:21:46

He is not autistic. You are making excuses for him. I know that sounds harsh but this is an abusive relationship and you need to see it for what it is. Get out now.

Pumpkinpie Tue 15-Dec-20 18:49:40

Children are often much more observant than we realise , are you so sure your children don’t know the kind of man their father is ?
Has his toxic treatment of you affected how they view the world ? Their relationships & themselves?
I feel sorry that you don’t value yourself enough to see that you are worth more than this

goose1964 Wed 16-Dec-20 10:28:06

Walk away now. I suspect your children know and will be of great support. This book is often recommended on mumsnet
As is this
Women's aid will give you advice on leaving
Advice given is unintelligible sure you have copies of all important documents, passport any financial documents and cash especially from a joint bank account.

goose1964 Wed 16-Dec-20 10:30:07

I suspect my DH has autism too but he's never been abusive

Blinko Wed 16-Dec-20 10:39:25

Dear OP, you know you're not going to get many people on here (if any!) advising you to stick with him, don't you?

Time to take good advice, I'd say. Good Luck flowers

oodles Wed 16-Dec-20 14:08:34

That could have been me who wrote your post. I understand the being frozen and feeling powerless to do anything, what many don't realise is that the time you leave is dangerous, men often become more abusive because they perceive that their control over you is threatened. Before you leave you need to put everything on place, remove treasured belongings and important documents, and gather info on his finances so when you do go for divorce he can't hide it. There is also the worry when you get older about pensions, starting again. I would back up the suggestion to read lundy Bancroft and look up the freedom programme, now you can do it online, the facilitators stress that you shouldn't leave without making all the necessary preparations (unless obviously your life is in danger) and no one will tell you to leave, and also suggest that you don't change your behaviour to him as you learn more, as he will suspect something. Your children will know what their father is like and will not blame you for leaving. See a solicitor in confidence to find out what the outcome is likely to be. One thing to do is make your will so anything goes to your children, eventually you will need to sever your joint tenancy of the house if as was common back then the house is in joint ownership, he will be told so take advice on when best to do this.
An abused person should not have joint counselling with their abuser, so no more of that, go for counselling for yourself, maybe your doc could refer you
In my case he ended up leaving me for someone else, and looking back I'm so much better without him, I have more than half his pension, a house and the support of my children, it's me they see mist not him. In a normal year I'd be staying with my son, nor sure what will be happening cis of covid. I discovered more stuff about him that I'd not known and even had he been sweetness and light I should have left him
Hope eventually you end up happy, even though you might have difficult times to get there

Newatthis Thu 17-Dec-20 08:36:47

If you allow somebody to treat you badly they will. Lots of people try to find reasons for other peoples bad behaviours which is what you’re doing and wasting your time. You should spend your time planning your future and getting out of that very bad relationship. What is it doing to you and your health and well-being you’ve got to ask yourself. Start planning now for a happier future ahead.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 17-Dec-20 20:49:29

Forgive me if you think I’m being unkind, I certainly don’t mean to be, while you are staying with this awful man, you are allowing this to continue, he has no respect for you, you say you are at breaking point, I’m sure you are Juneb, but what is it you are trying to save exactly, he’s not going to change you have had 30 years of this, he’s worn you down, your health must be suffering, please please leave this man,

Flaxseed Sat 19-Dec-20 10:11:06

Dear june
Sorry, I realise this thread is a couple of months old, but I hope you are still reading and that you are ok.

Leaving won’t be easy. But it will be worth it for peace of mind and future happiness.
My ex DH was very controlling albeit so subtle that it took me years to realise. He was cheating but I was oblivious to it for a long time. When I did find out I kept quiet, worked out how I would cope financially and planned a time to confront him. It was both heartbreaking yet empowering to finally take control.
He left and went to live with the ‘other woman’ but not without having a dig at me for not fighting for him!!
They married, had two children and she is now divorcing him for being controlling hmm

I didn’t realise what a miserable life I had been living until it was just me and my two DD’s.

I am now with a wonderful man (we’ll forget about my second long term partner, who although not controlling was also a cheater hmm ) who is everything my ex DH wasn’t.
Kind, gentle, respectful and loyal.

There is a better life for you away from your DH.

Life isn’t a dress rehearsal

GlamGran60 Sat 26-Dec-20 16:49:38

Sweetheart. I feel so sad for you and the work you have put into this. My old uncle who was very wise, said that if one woman isn't enough for a man, then a hundred won't be. That is true. He's cheated again and again. He's still doing it. And meantime you are doing his washing. No more. Don't see a counsellor. See a lawyer. Imagine how angry you would be if someone treated one of your children like this? No more. Don't do it any more. Get angry. Love to you and strength to you.

Thistlelass Sun 17-Jan-21 19:47:09

Well they have all said it all. What I will say is before you leave you need to feel very sure within yourself that you can live happily on your own. You really do. Now I do suffer quite a lot with my mental health. My son I am told is on the spectrum and I at times wonder if this might also apply to me. Not sure. I took steps to leave my ex husband a long time ago and have, largely, been on my own for 25 years plus. No serious long term relationship. Trying to cope with life alone as best I can. I have not found it easy and I will be 64 in June. The choice is yours. You can stay and work on things, or walk away now. If you opt to do the latter I would try to set up home where you will have support from family members and friends. I should just say I do not regret leaving. I did not share common values with my ex and I found him to be all about having his own needs met when it came right down to it. Lots of love and luck to you xx

Hoitytoity Mon 18-Jan-21 09:33:39

He disrespect you because he's an abuser. It's nothing to do with you, all him.

I could cry a bit that you've put your heart and soul into this wretched rag of a marriage for 30 years. It's too awful. Please leave. Do the Freedom Programme online (or attend the meetings by zoom if he monitors your spending, the zoom meetings are free, the online course is £12).

There is a lot of support out there for those trapped in an abusive relationship. I know how hard it is to leave but I did it, with support from Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme, and so can you. If you have children, please leave for them, even if they are now adults.

What he does is a criminal offence btw, did you know that? Even without the physical violence he is breaking the law to abuse you like this.