30 years of being cheated on. Should I give up?

Think others have pretty much said it all but why JuneB do you say you don't want to walk away? Small steps is all it takes. Are you scared to make those steps? Or is your lifestyle something you think you can trade for your husbands behaviour? Only you can decide. As you sound you don't want this lifestyle then make plans. Talk to a solicitor, get your affairs in order, then present your husband with a fait accompli. THIS is what I am doing!

That way you will know exactly where you stand and forget what ever he says in response. Just give him the papers!

If you start worrying or wondering what is going on in his head you will lose momentum so be absolutely clear in your head what you want.

Stop trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and stop making excuses for him. If one of your children came to you and told you what you have just told us, what would you advise? Tell them to waste even more time with counselling? Or leave? Get a solicitor, get out. He is not a partner, he is an abuser.

I can't believe you don't want to walk away. You surely can't think that you deserve this treatment. All the time he has been able to get away with his awful behaviour, you have been enabling it. You're even suggesting he may be unable to help his disgraceful behaviour. Face it, he's probably just a horrible person and you shouldn't want any part of life with him any longer. If you're not there, he can't abuse you. Stop trying to fix something that must be - after 30 years - unfixable. Counselling for him would only work if he wanted to repair your marriage. He doesn't, so it's rather like telling him he's going to give up smoking. He's not, until HE decides to.

Tell your children, stop covering up, stop wishing things were different - make them different, stop allowing yourself to be treated so badly and GO. See a Solicitor, take proper advice, and find somewhere to live.

Tell yourself you deserve so much more and grab the rest of your life and live it, surrounded by people who care for you. I would - it seems that everyone on here would. We can't all be wrong and we're wishing hard for you to have a happy life!

Fennel I could have written your post, from the kind dad, to no brothers, down to the sentence “how different men could be”! Also wanted to leave earlier but couldn’t till I got a job to support myself, met and married my lovely second husband and above all ‘You only have one life, make the most of it’!

You keep letting him get away with it so he keeps doing it. The only way to stop it is call time on it and start divorce proceedings.

Juneb Please don't stay with this abusive cheat any longer. You deserve better. I lived in fear of my first husband, but I was young. You have experienced 30 years of this behaviour. Time to leave.

What would you say to a loved one if they came to you for advice about this situation?
Run. Run as fast as you can, towards a life you deserve, and don't look back. You are not responsible for this man. Tell your adult children and give them the opportunity to help you. You'll be surprised at how much they already know.

Women's Aid and a solicitor who specialises in divorce.
Also find a counsellor for yourself

Why aren’t you leaving? Is it financial? It’s better being on your own supporting yourself, even on benefits if you can’t get a job, than living with an abuser. Go before it’s too late and you won’t have the option!

Leave him. He's making you miserable. Life is too short to waste it with someone like him. I stayed with my abuser for 27 years until it became escape or death. There were no other options. Plan your escape. Make sure you have somewhere to live and go. Life is so much better once you're free from abuse.

I hope Juneb Is still around to take on board the excellent advise and shared experiences that has been posted here.

Juneb please contact Women's Aid!

He doesn't love you, Juneb, he never will. Don't waste the rest of your life on him.

Why Juneb do you not want to walk away?

This is such an upsetting story to read, I could weep for you dear Juneb.
You have suffered for longer than anyone should have to, please don't suffer any more.
Lots of good advice on here x

I had a similar first marriage. I was very naive and believed in 'for better for worse'.
I had a very gentle, kind Dad, no brothers, and hadn't experienced how different men can be.
Put up with it for the sake of the children but cracked after about 15 years and told him to leave. Which he did (surprisingly).
I had thought of leaving earlier but no-where to go - no finances etc. But by then I had a good job and was able to stand on my own feet and support our 3 children. Eventually met and married my very kind 2nd husband.
So June you're not doing yourself or him any favours ( or your God). If you can leave him and start again.
You only have one life, make the most of it.

I think you wanted solutions as to how to 'fix him' but I'm sorry to tell you: he can't be 'fixed'
Walking away isn't easy, I know, it's hard emotionally and financially but at sometime, if you want a better ( and safer) life your just going to have to woman up.

Not only has he slept with other women, but he's mentally and physically been a sod as well, for 30 years! Don't waste any more of your life with the man!

I can only echo the advice to take that really hard step out of this relationship.
Go and see a good solicitor who specialises in separation & divorce to be sure what you need to do to protect your self/ interests before doing anything. Use conselling too to help you make your way successfully out of your marriage and on to the rest of your life.
You do not say if you have friends/ family to support you but hopefully you do have.

Why don't you want to walk away? Are the reasons about your children, your husband or society? If so, then discount them. It seems you are desperately trying to find excuses for your husband's behaviour to make staying with him acceptable. The only person living your life is you. List pros and cons for staying and pros and cons for leaving. On mumsnet you would have a string of posters saying ltb, and to be honest, I'd be one of them as physical and emotional abuse should not be tolerated by anyone in a relationship. But, I'm not you. I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I hope you make the right decision for you, no one else.

You have only one life.

Do you really want this for the rest of your life? It's extremely unlikely that he will improve now. Good luck and be brave.

If he’s physically abusive then you must walk away and get divorced. Why live like this, surely it’s better to live a life that’s peaceful and safe rather than living in fear. Contact a solicitors citizens advice today and find out your rights. Good luck it won’t be easy but you’ll be happier once you’ve made a new life for yourself.

You are in an abusive marriage. He will not change because he thinks what he does is acceptable. Walk away and get help to live your life. I did so after longer than 30 years (stupid me) don’t make the same mistake! I love the freedom and autonomy I have now and am so happy I left. Do the same you won’t look back.

He will continue as long as you allow it. Big girl pants on and move on without him!