DH taking no action

After my daughter was promoted and had to make a move back North (nearer home) we had two properties to sell. Luckily her house sold quite quickly but, even so, it seemed to drag on for ages once the solicitors got involved. I couldn't put my house on the market until we moved as I had my three grandchildren living with me as DD didn't want to move them part way through the school term and our plan was to move during the Summer holidays. Again, once on the market I had several offers and, eventually, a buyer- but I had to chase the estate agents constantly and then the same with the solicitor. I don't think they even consider how stressful the whole process is - whichever end of the purchase/sale you are. I was worn out by the end but it had to be done and my DD couldn't do much as she was in work all day and was under enough stress with having my ex son in law walk out on them, then getting her promotion and having to move on her own initially, plus finding somewhere to rent that was suitable for us. Sometimes you just have to get on with it - at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you got it under control and sorted out!

Are you planning to stay there for the rest of your lives.

If not, selling the house might not be the best move anyway.

If the plan is to relocate for ever, I think you seriously need to consider whether this is the life you want.

I share your frustrations, living with someone myself who is less proactive than me but....do you really want to finish everything over this alone? Perhaps examine your motives. Is this the only reason for wanting out? If it’s truthfully more than this, consider your next move. If it’s just about the properties, I’d let it ride.

If I were him I’d be on flight sites now booking you a one way trip. You obviously don’t want to be there so leave.

Why on earth didn't you rent your house out instead of selling up! You sound like you may want to come back. If he's working and you're not, doesn't it make sense for you to handle all the household stuff. What else is there for you to do out there!

As Monica said this is a lot bigger than the house sale. You are trapped in a country that does not recognise your freedoms. I think you should get out. One step at a time...you are right

Having now read your further post Sing19, the issue is much more complex that it first seemed. Quite a few aspects are difficult. Feeling trapped is a horrible feeling. A gratitude list can help bring a balanced overview and it can also help us to see our situation fully. Personally I would need to have my own phone, bank account etc. Do you have people around you that you can speak to about all of the aspects. I hope you can find some peace in all of this.

There’s lots of good advice in this thread for Sing19, and I suggest she reads it through several times over a few days to help crystallise her own POV.

What will the funds arising from the sale of the family home be used for; after 37 years it is likely that the mortgage is history. I hope part can be dedicated to funding a small flat/house at home/in UK which might help the OP feel more secure, with her own bolthole ready.

The “estate” property can be left to Husband to cope with as OP has no financial interest in that?

Dealing with solicitors: its the “crying baby” syndrome here. Email every day if needed, perhaps numbering the repeated emails in the subject box. If challenged on this, just mention “paper trail” or “Complaints Procedure”, as that may sharpen their attention.

Well, I was curious, so I looked it up.

You can get an overseas SIM phone card for £15 a month that gives you 250 minutes plus texts and data.

Is there a reason why you can't have that? I'd want it anyway regardless of the house issue.

Just to point out,In some areas in UK You DO need to pay council tax on an unoccupied property and after a length of time it goes up by 100%!!!! (I know because I am paying it on an inherited house)

I think your DH has enough on his plate with a new job, plus dealing with a deceased estate.
You have shown yourself capable of doing things from a distance as regards the house, so why not deal with your own house sale as long as your DH is happy for you to do so ?
I know it's frustrating for you, thinking your husband is digging in his heels and not being pushy enough but marriage is a partnership and I really see no reason why you can't deal with the sale of your own house!
Also think that for your DH, dealing with a deceased estate may also be bringing up some emotional responses and ties that he may either not be acknowledging or may be not even realising he has!

Sounds to me as if the relationship is already at an end. If this is one in a long line of irritations there is not much point in hanging on. It seems that you have up-ended everything to support your DH and feel angry that he has not reciprocated. If you can afford to live indpendently you don’t have to be trapped.

Sing19you sound very unhappy and the house is the last straw. Make lists. Things which you can change easily, things you can't change.Then change what you can and decide if you can put up with what remains. If you feel you can't then perhaps you need to move somewhere else.
It sounds as if your DH comes into the "can't change" category.

Sing19 I get you completely!! I don't think you want to sell. I think you have cold feet about the hole relocation. Don't be forced into something this life changing if you're not completely confident with this decision. You say in your post that you will be moving away from all you know and love ,that's a massive sacrifice. Cant your husband relocate on his own and rent a small apartment while you stay home and keep the home fires burning, if it's going to be a long term move then I think you have a decision that needs to be made and at our age I think you can be a little bit selfish. You need to talk to him about you in particular going home. I hope you get your happy ever after even if it is on your own.

As others have said it's down to you to get behind this sale and push. I do feel for you as that's always been my role with property purchases but to be fair that's been my choice.

It seems as if this isn't just your choice to sell and therefore there are other factors to consider. So wanting you OH to be involved is not unreasonable in the practical sense and I'm wondering if his lack of involvement may leave you feeling unsupported in the emotional sense.

I wonder if this has brought up different issues for you OP ?

From your original post you seemed to had a full life in your own right before your OH's job move.

From your next post you seem to be a non person where you are living right now.

If it were me I'd be asking if I could continue to live where you are for as long as you think you OH will be working there.

Years ago my OH was offered what looked like a great contract but I knew from friends that I couldn't live the life that went with it so that was a no go for us.

I'd had friends who tried the life where they gave up career, friends, hobbies and so on only to find what they had moved to was no life for them. No own bank account, no career, no old friends and one friend said it was her no being able to carry on her sporting hobby that did it for her.

I really would be thinking hard not about packing bags because of OH not getting behind the sale. Rather I'd be working out if you (and or OH) can live the life of an Ex-pat where you are.

Ironically, years after we turned down OH contract, and the kids had left home, I was the one who went to work in the Gulf on my own as OH was working in France :-) Happy Days

As for getting things moving with house sales, it seems as if it is down to you so get behind it if you want the sale to happen.

Re solicitors not responding to e-mails, I'd be making myself a right pest. Bombard them with e-mails, every hour if you have to . E-mail everyone in the firm your using, go be a pest.

Get a friend or other family involved, write instructing the solicitor to answer enquiries from you appointed person. Get your appointee to call them every day for an update, do what you have to do.

I wish you lots of Luck because everyone needs a bit of luck now and then.

It's not possible to have your own phone or bank account here if you are a dependant of the individual with the employment pass. I have my own bank account in the UK but not here, I'm on the mortgage at home, used to work, have a role and a value, but not here.

What on earth do I do all day? What a horrible remark to make to someone who's struggling at the moment.

We're not sure how long we have to remain here but if we do return to the U.K it won't be to the same part of the country. We'd recently renovated our house for living in and didn't want to take the risk of renting it while we were out of the country. After tax as an overseas resident, rent wouldn't make much dent in the mortgage and I suspected I'd have to deal with all the issues single handed. I looked into it and the pros didn't outweigh the cons so felt this was the better option. I had considered leaving it empty and just paying the mortgage but there are other issues associated with this like insurance. Also, after talking to many people who had rented their property while abroad, the general concensus was it was a big risk.

I am friendly with people here but a conversation like this is usually shared with friends you have formed a deep bond with and they are all in the UK. We are friendly with couples but something I shared with a female friend was repeated (changed and judged) in company by her husband, so I'm wary now.

My DH is just the same and I do get tired of all the responsibility being mine. However, he is also kind, loving and supportive in many ways. I can’t imagine life without him so I just get on with things. If the good is not outweighing the bad then it’s time to do something about it.

if you are fed up with his ways, then why not take some time away from him and the situation. Can you not visit family or friends?The space can often give a clearer view. It doesn't mean it is the end of your marriage? Selling houses is so stressful for the best of us,when you have 2 for sale then yikes!!
good luck

On a slightly different note , I was with my partner for 22 years until he passed away last October. During that time we enjoyed endless holidays , at home and abroad , as well as belonging to a caravan club who put on many events . That said , it was myself , every single time , who had to book and organise everything down to the last detail , even packing our suitcases. At times it felt overwhelming and I’d ask him to step in , but his answer was always the same “ your much better at these things than myself “ . That said , he has now passed away and the emptiness i now feel is just plain awful and cruel . So, my suggestion is , as your good at doing these things , do it with a good heart as one day he may not be around and that will be a thousand times worse . I’d organise another 60 trips wholeheartedly if I could only have him back .

Sing19 just wondering if you have access to the internet can you do Zoom calls with friends you have left in the UK? Talking to them might just help you feel better. You could also stat a course of some kind it would fill some time for you.

I think your situation is worse than a lockdown over here!

Im horrified actually. Not the frustration of the house but your isolation and loss of significance.

Is there any kind of social life there?

Janeparry39, you are in the past I’m afraid. Council tax has to be paid whether the house is empty or not.

Hopefully your husband has a limited time contract in this country where you are not allowed the usual freedoms. My experience of living abroad is that each year goes faster than the last. However difficult the country is there should be some classes in an interesting hobby, language, etc. to help you get a purposeful structure to your very circumscribed life.

In the light of your husband having less push than you, you may decide that if it is a 5 year contract you will do 4 and fly home early to get everything sorted for your husband's return. If you get a plan in your mind of how you are going to work with this time despite the social limitations hopefully you will feel better and make carefully thought out decisions if you feel that your marriage is finished.

All the very best.

I'm afraid you do pay council tax on an empty property. You might get a payment holiday if it's unliveable, or a discounted rate if it's a holiday home.

I revel in this power that we all share these days. Our mothers would of course have just got on and done it but probably have needed husband's permission to do anything financial or legal. We , on the other hand , speak to any official with our own sense of authority and organize whatever has to be done. Hard work, undoubtedly, but empowering too.