DH taking no action

Personally, I don't think ultimatums are a great way of moving forward but I do understand your frustration. It really does sound as if there is more going on here than the sale of the houses. For an undriven man, you have found yourself making many sacrifices in order for him to have the job he wants. That sounds like he is capable of doing what he needs to when he chooses to. One thing I would say though, is if he is a passive aggressive sort of fellow, the more you push, the more he'll resist. Have you tried telling him how unhappy you are? It's difficult for him to address without him being fully aware of how serious this is. A very serious, "We need to talk about our future," may have a better chance of getting attention than a packed bag which looks like you are throwing your toys out of the pram even though you might be fully justified!
37 years is a long time investment and if, on balance, you are happier than unhappier, then find a way through this. If it is the other way round, there are some serious decisions to be made. Maybe listing the pros and cons before having a very serious discussion of how to move on will help.
I do hope you get it sorted but maybe more work is needed on both sides to make your marriage more balanced or at least make it feel more balanced for you.

I forgot to add insurance companies won't insure a property left empty for more than 30 days at a time.

You say you've moved for his work. You've not mentioned whether you're working, only that you've left your career. So, if I assume you're not working then you have more time on your hands.
Are you being unreasonable? Quite possibly.

My ex had got a new job in N.Ireland where I'm from so I'd to stay behind in England to try to sell our home. Took forever and I just wanted to be home to my elderly parents who he had moved in with until we could house hunt with the money from the sale of our house. He dragged feet, was no help at all and was having a ball, out socialising with his new colleagues like a single man again. I had to take over the whole lot and I knew I'd sort it out a lot quicker. I think he was turning down offers cos he was having a great time and didn't want me there! You deal with it all and hopefully it will all move a lot quicker, mine did.

Either there is something else wrong, or you are over-reacting.

I cannot imagine seriously threatening to pack my bags and leave just because DH refused to do something he knows fine well he should.

Like you, I want things done at once, but that is just not the way my husband is, nor is yours.

I quite honestly don't understand why you didn't phone the solicitor when your husband didn't. Surely you could find a post office that had a phone you could make an overseas call from, if DH wouldn't lend you his phone?

Phone the solicitor now. If he insists on speaking to your husband, give him your husband's number.

Once that is out of the way, sit down and think very carefully about whether your threat to leave was serious, or not.

Just remember you are paying them for their services badger away to your hearts content you have been more than patient. Unfortunately you will have to do this as your husband is not being at all helpful.

Presumably you are living in a country where women have no rights whatsoever Probably plenty of money to be made but apart from any ex pat friends nothing at all for you
I think I would have let him do the posting himself and stayed at home with family friends and career (just as a service wife would) and let him visit me ...however you didn’t do that and obviously you ve had enough and the house sale and the husbands lack of proactivity is the straw that broke the camels back
I can only imagine what I d do and that’s return to my home country and as you’re a proactive person sort out Living and hopefully some kind of job and wait for him to finish and join you or not which ever way it goes

Once again, thanks for your replies and for the kind wishes.

I can make a call on his phone, but it's HIS bloody phone, not mine and I have to ask as it's required for work calls. I have my own phone but I can't make international calls on it and I can zoom my UK friends but you know when you just want a good old winge about your DH with your tribe, you don't want to do it with him in the next room. He's been working from home due to CV since February. This is probably part of the problem.

I could take the sale in hand, I may have to, but I had been navigating this for 18 months and dealt with many issues and had had enough. I was exhausted, I became ill, I'm now recovering. He said he'd deal with it.

I could return to the UK for a visit but I need the permission of his company and the local govt to return. I also need to isolate in a hotel for 2 weeks, longer if someone on my flight tests positive, at my expense and many people are not being allowed back in, it's a bit of pot luck. Many countries in the world have closed their borders and we are in one of them. Very CV safe but not great when you are homesick. I should have been home for 2 months earlier in the year, maybe another part of the problem?

I was volunteering, CV put a stop to that, I had planned to take an academic course, same thing happened. I can meet with friends in groups of 5, that's enough and is a great help. I'm putting myself out there in the expat world, it's just a very different life to home and I'm taking time to adjust, I guess.

We came here because we had no choice, his job required it, it wasn't part of the bigger plan and we're not chasing big money, expat packages are not what they used to be. His company would not accept me staying in the UK, we tried that, seriously, they wouldn't!

Thanks again, your input has been really helpful. It's 'wine o'clock' so I'm off for something cold and wet.

P.S he phoned the solicitor!

It is frustrating I know.

We were lucky when we moved abroad as we had a young baby and not much time to sell our house. We had a great estate agent who suggested renting it out. At first it only just covered the mortgage but after 18 years (we only went for 2!) the value had gone up so much it was worth it. When we came back we sold and moved to another part of the country. We had in the meantime also bought a house over there.

Getting everything together is very hard but I know you are struggling to settle at the moment but it does get better and in the end I really did not want to come back to the UK.
The sale will go through I am sure. My son is in the same position. As I said to him suddenly everything will happen and be completed. If the buyers have got the mortgage in place they have obviously spent money so will not want to lose the sale.

Just be patient.

Crossed posts - so he has made the call. I am so pleased.

It will get better I promise you. I struggled for a long time. I couldn't work but took many language courses and as I said in the end I didn't want to come back.

I wish you all the best.

We're also selling an inherited property and the buyer's solicitors are dragging their heels for no particular reason that I can see they've had the paperwork from our solicitor for over a month and still haven't completed their searches. The buyer has reassured us that all's going smoothly from his side so all I can think is that the lawyers have furloughed everyone they can and hence are not able to get on with the necessary work in a timely fashion.

@Dibbydod I'm so sorry you lost your partner, it must be a particularly difficult time to be alone with all the uncertainty around. Take care ❤

Sounds like you've done a great job so far.
Sure, if you want to end your 37 year relationship, then certainly go ahead.
Otherwise just carry on doing a great job, you sound organised and efficient.
Based on the past evidence you provide of your husband's behaviour, it seems unlikely that it will change.
Either accept that fact or make the big changes if that is what you really want.
It's a tough time and everyone is very stressed.
Don't make a big decision whilst feeling emotionally upset.

Sing you sound a bit more cheerful or at least less at the end of your tether! Hope life improves for.

I am so pleased he has made the call but, I do worry that you sound very unhappy living where you are. Maybe you will be a little more relaxed now that he is doing what you have nbeen asking him to do?

I am curious about his employer not allowing you to stay in the U.K., What has it to do with them. You had your own career in the U.K. Does your husband’s company actually have that right? In your position, I would be furious (even if I had wanted to go with him!)

From someone who has also been an ex-pat... What's your own? Being abroad, have you safeguarded your own pension by paying NICS etc? Do you have sufficient to cope should something happen to him? Friends who moved to France were rather shocked by the inheritance laws which could have made her move home to an acceptable standard of living if himself had passed away, almost impossible. Personally, I'd go home, ditch the buyer and hold on to a base to come home to. If he has to make an effort to get you back via the company (where are you?) then you'll find out what his priorities are. If it's empty, you may be paying in excess of 100% council tax buy the way depending on the council, so moving home could reduce this with a single persons discount. Being the person who makes the decisions is far easier than the person who hangs on them and has little or no control.

You do have to pay council tax on empty properties in many places in th UK. It is a local authority decision so you are very lucky if they have chosen not to charge.

Are we talking Middle East here?

It is tough being an expat wife in such places, most especially if you’ve had an independent and fulfilling life in the U.K. Suddenly one becomes nothing more than one’s husband’s hanger-on. It’s depressing and demeaning and it puts huge pressure on the dynamic between a couple. I’m guessing this may have some bearing on how the OP is feeling.

Some people find ways to deal with these things, and learn to absolutely love the expat life. Others never really navigate the changed status. It’s not a failure to say ‘I can’t live like this’ and discuss other ways to maintain your relationship - perhaps a long distance marriage with time together when he is on leave or when you visit. Or it may mean that there has to be a difficult conversation that says ‘your job or your marriage’.

would you move back to UK alone, and await his return, or not as the case may be.
am also puzzled by how his employer can require you to move overseas with him, if you are not employed by them.
or are you a stabilising influence, ie married men only. sounds odd now, but was once the case here too in some roles.
anyway, maybe you would both be calmer and have more fulfilling lives if you were not daily annoying each other, with clash of personalities and your being cut adrift from meaningful activity.
good luck.

I would move back to UK if I were you. Start a new stress free life here. Let your husband visit you. Like it says in the song 'Don't worry, be happy'

Sorry if this has been mentioned I’ve come in at the tail end and tried to read it all.

Please contact your estate agent it’s their responsibility to progress things and they should have someone who is the Progressir. I work in an estate agents and my Manager gets sales thru - she’s extremely determined and knows all the solicitors and she is a determined Rottweiler as she doesn’t get paid for all the work we’ve done if it doesn’t complete. Market here is very fast people are having issues with mortgage offers though so you really need your agent to push and if their not ask them why their not (don’t worry estate agents are used to it!)

My husband worked in the Middle East for five years. I had a very fulfilling and enjoyable job in England. We decided I would stay here! His contract was excellent. Every six weeks he came home and worked from home for two weeks. I had long holidays with my job so visited him at Easter and in the summer holidays. He had a month home at Christmas. It worked well and we paid for our three children to visit too. A little later OH had a job in a European country. Not such a good deal but it was only for two years. I met expat ladies in the ME and unless they were teachers could not work. They mainly did charity work, which is all very wonderful but most people like to exercise their brains. If I had gone to the ME, we would not have rented out our house. We heard too many horror stories. I think we would have arranged for our children, or other relatives, to stay at weekends or whatever.

It sounds as if there is much more going on here than just a house sale.

Have you settled at all where you are? If not is your husband aware of how you feel? Does he care ?
It sounds as if you moved under duress which could leave you feeling bitter and resentful.

I think you have a lot of serious soul searching about what you really want.

Try to imagine coming back here and living in your old house. Trust your gut instinct to tell you if that would be the best thing to do.

grandtante*
I think post offices are a bit thin on the ground in the Middle East.

Sending you a hug and a cheers with your glass of wine, it will sort itself out even if it fells s—t at the moment. It’s hard moving, leaving a job, leaving trusted friends and family, I’ve done it too for my husband, these things do work out. X