How do you forgive?

For 32 years my father-in-law was always very unkind to me,I had to look after him for many years.But then he died,what a relief,my heart soared,pressure lifted.Please try to Celebrate,it is now your time—— could you set up new traditions ? For the family and be the glue,or just make family time sorter—— my husband was always trying to get approval from his father,he never did,maybe your husband felt the same.

Op, what works for me is to write it all down (in my case using Notes here on the ipad).....all written sequentially, over a period of time as thoughts come into my head, along with my feelings, then sometimes I also see an odd wise comment here or on Mumsnet, and if it resonates to my situation, I might adapt that to my page as well.

I found I was able to let go - knowing it was there, if I needed to recisit it to justify my feelings, but otherwise no longer taking up my own headspace.

Infact it worked so well, that having intended to ask for advice and help on here - I had solved the problems just through a combination of doing the above.

I still add the odd comment to the note even now -if something is pertinent and resonates.
Hoping that might be helpful.

Wanted to add my point that yes hate does turn on you. It can take time to forgive but it frees you when you do. Pity those who do others wrong and feel good when you are able to rise above the pain caused. Please let go and enjoy the rest of your life. I've been where you are and the freedom that forgiveness gives is like s gift to yourself. Having bad feelings isn't helpful but putting it in s box and let your mind concentrate on good and loving happy thoughts instead.

I’m still going through this to a certain extent. My husband would never stand up to his parents who were rude and very demanding and when I dared to it caused big issues between us.
Father in law died November 2018 shortly after I stood up to her once again when she was incredibly rude to me and said some very unkind things that I can’t forgive. Husband did support me here but not enough to speak to her about it, his attitude is, “Just ignore it”.
After father in law’s death she rang, in tears, and asked me to “Look after” her. She isn’t able to organise her affairs at all and is of limited intelligence. I shop for her and organise everything for her. She is not in the least bit appreciative and finds fault in all I do. I do the minimum I can I try not to let it get to me but it’s hard. My husband is appreciative ( admin etc isn’t his thing) and I only do what I do to support him but it is hard and I can’t help being resentful.... and I can’t forgive her for the things she’s said. She is 85 and housebound.

My ex MIL's meddling was the final straw before I walked out on my ex husband. I cared for my FIL when he was dying at home with cancer. My ex did nothing. I was at college trying to do exams, but yet it was me to had to stay off days cos MIL couldn't even cope giving him medication. He passed away and neither of them spoke to me for days. Then we moved house with his job, she had to move too with us. Took his side in everything, even when he had me in tears she said it was the pressure of his job. He got sacked from 4 jobs because of his temper with colleagues. It just got too much having 3 in my marriage bullying me and I left. His tempers, the bullying, etc was ignored by his mother for years, a late baby, her one and only son that could do no wrong. I have been told his mother misses me and would love it if I called!! I will never forgive them, for the way they both treated me, for the rest of my days. Never.

If you love your husband and you love yourself, then you forgive. Nothing worse than having someone ruin your life for one more day than need be. I had a terrible upbringing without all these milestone celebrations. I gave them to my daughters. My daughter-in-law is pretty much cruel even though I extended the same love and celebration to her. Now I have to forgive her for her cruelty which is very difficult. If I don't, it will keep me in that deep black hole. So, your cruel person is gone. Make up for it now and find joy in what you have going forward. It is, literally, the only way.

I haven’t read all the responses ect but from the bit I read about your bil and the relationship he has with his wife jumped out at me. Could you possibly have resented the fact that your dh hasn’t behaved the same way to you. What we have to realise is that your dh is unique, some siblings are more outgoing than others, some are stronger, some are quieter and so on. You sound like you got the non confrontational one. I think it’s about acceptance more than about forgiveness. You mil obviously had a very strong influence on this particular son and probably used it to her advantage. As you have acknowledged, your dh is slowly changing now his dm has gone. I can empathise in some respect as for reasons I don’t want to go into now, I am 99% certain my husband would not put me before him in a dangerous situation, and I have had to accept it is the way he is. It hurts sometimes but I have just had to learn to live with it. Hope you can get through this, but counselling can be very helpful.

I can relate to what you are going through.My mil came between myself and my own mother with her lies and what was so upsetting being the fact my own M chose to beleive her and not myself her own daughter.I was never able to obtain from my mother what it was I had 'alledgedly done or said'. This was to have a lasting effect on my relationship with my own mother which for me was never to be as it was before I realised what my mil could be like.

Forgiveness is very hard. Time heals. Sometimes it brings pity for those who've hurt us. Be proud of, and hold on to, the person you know you are.

Hello everyone,
I am really touched by the numerous responses. Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing your own experiences. I feel like printing out this thread and reading all of your responses if i ever find myself in a dark place again.

A few of you advised i go for counselling. I have done and it was fantastic. I went from revisiting these horrible situations i was in on a daily basis to once every couple of months to not at all until very recently. Which is why it shook me.

I have suggested to dh we go for couples counselling and he refused. I understand why. If roles were reversed, i would not want to sit in a room and hear him talk badly of my deceased mother... however respectful i maybe of her. I dont think i would want him to change his opinion of his mum now she is not here. I would rather he think highly of his mum rather than deal with the pain of the truth.
It is so confusing. The best thing would be for me to just get over it. I do worry about the triggers of watching other people having happy moments. I have to ask myself is this jealousy? Constantly question myself. Its exhausting. But today has been a much better day.

If you are impacted enough by something that you have asked for couples counselling to resolve it, your DH is taking a risk by refusing. Unresolved issues can eat at the relationship and do a lot of damage. He's protecting himself from discomfort and not thinking of your needs by refusing. I hope he comes around and changes his mind both to support you and for the good of your relationship.

Your last update is very worrisome and full of red flags

If you talk about his mother in a way he doesn't like, it is not disrespectful, you are telling what you experienced.
What a cheap excuse not to go to marital therapy, let's hide his head in the sand like an ostrich

He prefers to idolatrize his mother who was less than kind to you instead of fix your relationship and see the truth

"I would rather he think highly of his mum rather than deal with the pain of the truth."
This is so wrong, so horribly wrong.
He is a husband first, a son second. He has the order wrong.

"The best thing would be for me to just get over it."
Another horrible and worrisome statement.
If anything, you are the victim here and if you could make it disappear, everything would be ok?
You didnt create this problem, your husband and his mother did.
You cannot make it go away unless your husband puts some effort on his part, real effort.
You deserve much better than this.

Dear FridayIsComing, like a couple of others who have posted earlier I had a lifelong problem with my late mother. I too was jealous and resentful for years when I came across people who had a warm relationship with their mothers.

I don't like the word "forgive", although it is hard to explain why. And I have never believed that forgiving her will help me. The closest I can get on a good day is to accept that she was the way she was and that by the law of averages for this sort of thing, I was one of the many who had to have a mother like her.

The part I find hardest to forgive (or accept) is that she knew what she was doing, and even though she may have been unable to stop herself from doing it she made my life a misery for over 50 years. Until I finish releasing that anger I cannot contemplate forgiving her.

The things I have found most helpful are to pity her for having been incapable of love for her own children and for her wartime experiences, which may well have led to her being the way she was.

I saw an interview last year with another woman with similar wartime experiences to hers . She had hard eyes, sat there chain smoking and all her answers were unapologetic. She even blamed her daughter, who was present, for not having turned out like the person she had named her after.

I picture that woman when I feel angry about my mother to remind myself that my mother too was an emotional cripple. And I feel grateful every day that she is no longer here to continue the mistreatment.

I wish you well.

The fact that your husband won’t go to therapy with you makes me so sad.

Sounds like he really hasn’t changed all that much after all

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

These are a couple of quotes I remind myself of.
Good luck for the future.

I cannot forgive my husband for never standing up for me firstly with his parents who treated me and our daughter like rubbish, but secondly with our daughter and later her DH 'as he didnt want to cause trouble'. I adore him, but the feeling of being alone continues and I fear, always will.

I do feel that when someone we know and trust doesn’t quite have our back, it can shake us to the core. I have experienced this once, but on a much smaller scale, and things were never quite the same, in my mind. To me it was a betrayal, I am now older and wiser.
I had to learn to forgive, and send all those feelings away with love, easier said than done. Love yourself first and foremost, it’s not selfish, it is essential. Sending you my best wishes for the future.

I don't think you should forgive if your not feeling it because then youl just feel MORE resentment and so it goes on. They say women are from venus & men from Mars but NOT all women are from VENUS & NOT All men are from Mars!!

I would try the letter thing and/or give her a good talking to at the graveside change your mindset for the new year IF you can. think of it as a new beginning good luck!!

maybe you can write a letter to your hubby .its easier to write things on paper than say them . then you can either give it to him .or you can keep it .or when the time is right burn it .learn to forgive as then things can move forward ..

Your mother-in-law is history now, leave her in the past where she belongs.

As for your husband not supporting you in future, that situation may not arise and if it did you'd be better equipped to deal with it anyway, self-preservation would kick in.

As for your sister-in-law, maybe she feels suffocated by your protective brother-in-law?

Hold your head high, breathe deep and be yourself now FridayIsComing, the future belongs to you.

When I had someone in my life I felt I couldn't forgive,wasn't able to face out directly but needed to do something about someone told me about the cushion theory. When you remember the bad things that they did and feel awful you take a cushion (it's good to have a special one) you give it their name and then you proceed to tell it exactly what you think bout them, listing all the instances you remember and, if you feel like it, punching and shaking the cushion. It gives you the opportunity to get rid of all the emotions you feel guilty about and doesn't harm anyone.
You could try it. I found it helpful with moving on. Good luck and stay strong!

Coming to this a bit late and I haven't posted on GN for a long time but I found this all very useful. I have also had problems in my marriage which have originated with my in laws and the family culture they lived with in which nothing was ever discussed and no one was close.
My MIL was an embittered, difficult woman who ejected her daughter from the family and spoilt her golden boy son. It took me years to see what was going on and to understand his behaviour. No one ever confronted anyone else so why would he not grow up avoidant and stone walling.
For me it's got worse as time has gone on because after numerous occasions on which he has failed to support me, only now do I understand and I resent and can't forgive any of them. When his sister, rather naughtily to my mind, told me what her mother said about me (not kind or polite), my breath was taken away.
We went for couples counselling and the counsellor immediately identified the situation. I was amazed. Financially I don't want to separate but how I feel such a lot of the time, I don't think is good for me. He, of course, avoids and I find it difficult that although he has come to see what his family situation has created in how he responds, it's still his default position. Seeing so many difficult relationships, I am part impressed at how strong some people are and a bit depressed at my own inability to move on. I have spent quite a bit of time this year Googling 'accepting the unacceptable'!

GinnyH, what you do for your mother in law is pure love.

Friday- you deserve, and have always deserved, a spouse that would pick you over his mother. I think deep down you know that and it’s why the resentment lingers. He can be the best possible
Husband and dad now, but when it mattered the most he was selfish and unfaithful and failed you. Because his mother is deceased you’ll never know if he would have eventually picked you but all you have to go on is that he didn’t when he had the chance. I bet you you’ll be happier in the long run by ‘moving on’ and making a life for yourself on your own, and hopefully finding a partner who will treasure and put you first- you still have a lot of living left and there’s plenty of time to find love with someone worthy of you.