How do you forgive?

Your post is lovely Meaux and very moving.

Re Friday1sComing: Im so sorry to hear how much you are hurting. What every the reason it sounds like you are grieving. Holding onto feelings makes for dis-ease and illness. A grief counsellor will help you work through your feelings which helps pave the way for forgiveness. These are precious years too and nothing can change the past. We cannot change others nor should we try but we can take control of our own. At the end of the day that's all we can do. Giving up the pain and hurt is a gift to your self. Im not saying this is easy and I speak from experience as I struggle through the same process. Take back your power you are precious. If you saw a child in the same position what advice would you give. We all have the child still in us. Warm wishes.

I think by letting this still affect you, you’re letting your mil still win , she is dead now so she no longer can upset your life be thankful for that. Your husband I expect felt like piggy in the middle and his mother had an overpowering influence on him which he is trying to put right. Say to yourself I will now enjoy my life, don’t let the past spoil your future, feel it drain away from you, smile and move on with conviction.

I don't think it's your MIL you need to forgive. She was clearly always going to go (and get) her own way whatever happened. She's gone now - you can't change how she was. But you do need to forgive your husband. It sounds as if he was rather cowed by his mother - a lot of men are, sadly but she'd gone now and at last he might find this rather a relief. Look forward, not back.

This message could have been written by me many years ago with the exception that my DH never apologised for his behaviour regarding my mil despite knowing how much heartbreak and upset this caused. I used to bite my tongue so much which went against the grain when I really wanted to speak up to MIL but I stopped myself because I thought it was DH's mother and his responsibility to put her straight. Your message has brought up so many bad memories for me and I would heartily encourage you to take up some sort of couples counselling so you could both have your say fully and totally clear the air. My DH always refused to discuss this and my feelings today show me this has never been resolved.

I can relate to so much of this. I had a difficult mil, who caused a lot of trouble when I was first married. My husband was very influenced by her, and we had some rocky years. During her last two years she mellowed considerably towards me, and I in turn didn't feel so hostile towards her, and lost some of my bitter feelings. Now she is gone, I sometimes remember the bad times she caused, but also remember the good points she had. I feel I can move on now.

OceanMama

The problem with just leaving it behind and moving forward with DH's behaviours in the past is that we don't know if they are in the past if there hasn't been a time it's been tested, apology or not. If a situation comes up in future, in any context, where we need someone to be strong for us, can we rely on our DH's to do that? Until I see evidence things have changed, I just can't feel secure in that. Sometimes it feels unfair that I have to be strong for everyone and we've had some very trying and painful times. Who will be strong for me? It's not as simple sometimes as just letting bygones be bygones. I leave my DH's issues with his mother in the past but I don't feel secure for future emotional support if needed. If that makes sense.

Thank you for posting this oceanMama as this explains how I feel too.

It’s ok to feel that you can never forgive how your husband treated you at that time and to talk to him about that.

If you can find a way to see the difference in forgiving him as opposed to forgiving his actions, then this might help you move forward.

(I hope that makes sense, I’m not very good at writing things down sometimes )

I’d also suggest seeing a counsellor who will be able to help you address these feelings that are coming to the surface.

My MiL died in September aged 100. Had she been buried and not cremated, I would cheerfully have danced on her grave. She was evil, not only to me but my husband and her own husband. They let her get away with anything she wanted, they always excused her behaviour because of her depression. She could make their lives so miserable that they took the course of least resistance. My husband never stood up to her but I learned to live with that.
I was lucky that I have a good sense of humour and would regale my Mum and friends with MiL stories. I think it helped to let out the frustration.
Don’t forgive her, just look back and remember how evil she was and then forgive your husband. Men are much weaker than we women.

I agree with one of the threads about forgiveness needing to be earned. Your MIL sounds vile, and what you should do is address it with your husband. Perhaps he could take you away on holiday to make up for not having your back. Obviously it will have to be when lockdown is over, but I really think forgiveness should be earned, and the offender should say sorry.

Fridayiscoming

I dont think the problem is what happened in the past, it is what it still may happen.

"Everyday i see a change. He has gone out of his way to do things for me without me asking. He has supported me beyond the normal ways in which most wives are supported. He is my right hand and is a brilliant father."

I am so glad you got the husband you deserve!

"However, do i trust he would support me in the event of conflict with in laws? No."
This is written in present tense. Is this still the case that your husband will choose his extended family over you?

" Yet within his family, his brothers wife is untouchable. He is like a lion watching over her. He married a month before mils passing so their circumstances are different but none the less he has always been a beautiful team with his wife. The family know not to breathe the wrong way in the presence of his wife."
Also written in present tense.
If so, what do they do to you that they wouldn't do to bil and his wife?

"The thing is my in laws have become lost without mil. She was the glue. The leader with a clear picture of what she wanted."
Do your ILs know what they want?
What she wanted may not have been what they wanted.

"Now she has gone, the family have become vulnerable and genuinely want to build long lasting relationships."
How about boundaries? How are these new relationships negotiated?

Past interactions tint and mark the future of new interactions. What your ILs have done to you may make this new relationship impossible

Above all, it's the process of allowing the painful memories of the past to be resolved in some way, so that you can let them go.
I find that I need divine help when I reflect on the years of abuse in my marriage, and the process of letting go is a very gradual one.
When you were traumatised by the abusive behaviour of your MIL, it left deep wounds in your memory, that are painful to even think about.
I pray and tell God that I haven't enough strength to forgive, and ask for his supernatural help.
Over a period of time, you will gradually be enabled to allow the hurt and pain to be resolved.
Allow yourself time for this.
Be kind to yourself as you work through this process of letting go.
It will benefit and strengthen you, as you refuse to become embittered and permanently damaged by these powerful wounds.
I tell myself that the generational damage will stop with me.

You are a loving, wise wife and mother, who became the victim of a very damaged woman. Your courage, wisdom and strength will stand you in good stead as you become fully the wonderful human being you really are, and have always been.
Your insights and understanding will stand you in good stead as you are able to give wise counsel to others.
May you be blessed and encouraged by all who have written to you today!

To truly forgive is so very very hard

I cannot forgive my late mil for the way I was treated when I married her son. He was a weak man who took to alcohol rather than stand up to his mother and stand up for his family. I left him and during the divorce he told the judge that I’d only ever moved in as a lodger. To which the judge replied that it was strange we were married with three children! He got his own back - prompted by mil I’m sure - by channelling all his income through the family business so that the CPA awarded me £10 per month per child. Didn’t even cover a week’s dinner money. I really don’t believe in holding grudges but there are a special few people for whom I make an exception and mil is top of the list!

I find it very difficult to forgive the things that happened to me and my mother when I was a child. However, I am writing my memoirs ,and although I cry a lot whilst doing this, I find it cathartic at the same time. I am only writing it for myself, but it is my way of silently paying back those people now dead, and I hope letting go.

Hi, I like you have had very similar problems, which placed my husband in a difficult position, but one I could not understand. I was told by someone very wise, that anger and bitterness eat you up, and are extremely negative emotions. They only affect you, not the perpetrator, who may have no idea how their behaviour affects others. Some people have little self awareness, and are often are very sad, or jealous people. Only you can make yourself sad now. As soon as you begin thinking of the past, which is entirely natural, distract yourself- tell yourself to stop.

#FridayIsComing I think it's only natural to feel the way you do/did. I was in a very similar situation to you with my MiL although she wasn't terminally ill just a horrible, jealous alcoholic. I also think you are grieving for the support and love you should have had as a young woman with children. However, from your posts your husband seems to have changed and is trying to make amends - not that the things you lost can be made up for. You should grieve for the support/love you didn't get at that time and accept the past can't be changed. I split with my ex husband and he can see what he did and I have no time for him whatsoever. My exBiL has told my adult children never to blame me for the divorce because it wasn't my fault - for which I'm extremely grateful. However, every so often I see a young couple with a baby or just married young relatives and I grieve that I didn't have that but you just need to grieve and move on. It will get better eventually and by the sounds of it your husband has realised and is giving you the support and love you deserve.

Its alright to hold on to the memories but with time if you so please the memories will fade.
Will yourself for a release.
What and for whom should you allow your destiny and joy be taken.
Would you rather not begin to take the first steps of a somewhat new beginning.
Please release yourself from.the pain its time to see a new dawn.
Its not going to be easy but its possible

I have just read all of this thread and found it helpful. My in laws are still alive. FridayisComing, I am going through similar at the present. In laws who write abusive emails and letters. In the last email they say DH was happier in his first troubled marriage than with me. When asked about this, his answer was...."how should I know" So hurtful. He won't stand up to his parents. When I ask them why they say things I get "it's what we think, the balls in your court now" No apologies ever, they also spread their thoughts to other people. The latest is a remark about my parents from over fifty years ago, they never met them. Both DH's brothers would have spoken up for their partners. Thank you so much for bringing this topic up, I felt really alone. I have taken note of many of your replies. Thank you again.

I have sat with these same questions in my past. The feelings of letting go will come, but I think what you may not be realizing is that you are in mourning. You are seeing others experience what you feel you missed and you are feeling that loss. Allow yourself to mourn.

So much that has been written here is my experience too; the grief at the waste of what could have been such happy times is something I have carried for decades. I have reflected on why MiL behaved as she did; she was an attractive and talented woman, but created hell for anyone who crossed her, bullied FiL, and when she died the relief was palpable. The feeling that my OH didn't pull her up or ever point out how hurtful she was being has caused damage. I can only say that forgiveness does set you free, but how hard it is to forgive those who seemingly have no remorse or regrets about their behaviour.

The apologies are the glue holding du the pieces of a broken plate together

Apologies do not make the plate brand new again

Depending how broken it is, it may be repaired or not.

Some offenses are too big to forgive and forget

My daughter used to work with people who had behaved badly and I remember saying to her how do you work with these people and she answered that some people had not had the chances or upbringing she had receieved and that they needed support and help. Perhaps if Friday is Coming knew more about her MIL,s childhood and earlier life it would bring some understanding of why she behaved as she did.

None of us can choose our parents, our upbringing, our genes, so yes, I tend to agree with you Albangirl.

I can’t imagine people get pleasure and choose to be cruel or unkind to others, and in my experience such people are unhappy themselves.

You have been very hurt by the actions of your MiL. You sound like a kind, insightful woman who can see others' points of view. If you have, therefore, not quite managed to work out how to deal with the effect your MiL had on you and others, it was possibly serious enough that you may need professional help to find the right strategy. Also - be kind to yourself as you are experiencing a sort of mourning over how you would have liked things to be and what you missed out on.
You certainly don't want her to go on damaging your life or that of your children or grandchildren or other family members, so you must find a way to deal with it. The good news is that there are many good counsellors out there who know of various approaches and strategies which could help you and can assist you to find what works for you. If this is not feasible, I am sure there are good websites that you can learn techniques from. Here are a couple that looked to be giving sensible advice; the second has a search facility for consellors by geographical location
www.healthline.com/health/how-to-let-go#Tips-for-letting-go
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201310/7-practical-strategies-overcome-emotional-pain
It sounds as though your husband did sometimes stand up to her and has realised, admitted, and apologised that he allowed her to cause hurt and damage. I think he has been brave to do so and it also sounds as though he is trying to make amends. You owe it to each other to work through this together, acknowledge the wrongs of the past, but have a plan for the future.
Perhaps you could have a special toast at the bells, putting the past hurts behind; write a letter you might have sent to your MiL acknowledging her good points but pointing out how she caused damage then rip it up; have a party or holiday when circumstances allow as a marker to each other of the start of the rest of your lives together and an end to allowing your MiL to affect you any more .........
If there is the potential for ongoing issues with some of the other in-laws, perhaps agree together what your stragety will be for dealing with those. Limited contact, politely declining things or events you do not want to be part of, how to respond to things that might be said or done.......
The fact you have been able to talk about it is an indication that you are strong enough and determinbed enough to deal with this. Good luck.