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How do you forgive?

(157 Posts)
FridayIsComing Wed 30-Dec-20 00:52:49

I find myself in a deep black hole. My in laws caused me a great many problems which were led by my now deceased mil and accepted by my dh. Sometimes he stood his ground and did not allow them to get their way. But often they did. Primarily because mil was terminally ill and dh was torn.

I thought i was passed all this. But watching those around me go through the happy exciting stages in life such as announcement of engagement, new baby and house purchase just takes me back to how those precious moments were a warzone for me and dh because of in law interference.
Now this has all stopped. We are finally free. Dh has apologised and explained his guilt due to his mothers illness influenced his decisions.
But in my moments of darkness and despair i cannot forgive him. Nor his deceased mother.
Please advise me on how to move forward. Its confusing as i thought i was passed this but watching my loved ones hit milestones has triggered so much in me.

Oldbat1 Wed 06-Jan-21 13:40:43

I’m an elephant! I cannot forgive or forget things.

Sparkling Wed 06-Jan-21 15:10:42

Kate1949, I don’t know your story, but you say your childhood was horrendous, I am very forgiving I know that. , however children being neglected or abused makes me feel sick and angry. To take a child’s childhood away and replace it with fear, I too would find unforgiveable as well. Animals look after their young it’s instinctive to protect those we give birth to and love. I do so hope you have found happiness and confidence in yourself, despite your awful start in life. I think the best way of dealing with such abusers, is not give them any thought time, hard I know, to rehash makes you relive, despite counsellors wanting to keep talking it all out, it’s like picking scabs. They were in the wrong, big time, shame on them. 💐,

Kate1949 Wed 06-Jan-21 15:29:50

Thank you Sparkling. I've posted some of it in here from time to time. Gransnet is the best therapy! My parents had children because they were Catholic and didn't practice birth control. For no other reason. No love, affection, encouragement, as well as violence and neglect. Some people should never have children.

Kate1949 Wed 06-Jan-21 15:31:22

Just to add, we were fed and clothed.

Greeneyedgirl Wed 06-Jan-21 15:45:43

To be a nurturing parent it helps if you in turn have been nurtured lovingly. It is so sad that many haven’t and this can cause ongoing problems, which it is possible to overcome with help and awareness, but can be difficult.

I have observed that those who are consistently unkind to others may have unresolved difficulties themselves.

If you are the recipient of bad behaviour it can be very hurtful. From my own experience I have found that if I try and understand, and yes forgive the behaviour (bearing in mind I am far from perfect) it is the least damaging route to take, and helps my own mental health.

Hoitytoity Mon 18-Jan-21 09:45:13

You have to give yourself the space to heal. Your current black hole suggests trauma so it's not as simple as flicking a switch to forgive, there's a lot more to it. I would suggest a therapist to work your way through it - sometimes the only way out is through ❤️