How do you forgive?

Just read Freya’s post and it hit a chord with me also. I tried for years to be the dil she wanted me to be but all she wanted was to be in control in the end she had her son and grandsons all against her they used to dread a visit and in later years she was frail and I had to beg my sons to visit her. Still trying to do the right thing right till the end. It still saddens me of the lost years we could have been so close. Also the arguments with my husband he never ever speaks about her now she’s gone. So sad for all concerned.

You don’t have to forgive, and you don’t have to look back on it all. Just leave it behind. Start with where you are now, and work towards what you want going forwards.

Good advice wildswan16.

I agree with much that has been said today. I put up with the meanness and jealous attitudes of my MIL and her daughters for thirty years with my DH watching on the side lines hoping I could defend my self. Not once did he stop it. As my children grow up they were horrified at their grandmother's mean mouth and refused to see her. I always said if I had know what his family were like I would never had married him, but then you don't marry his family do you?
When MiL died, my Sil took her place but thankfully my DH did make a stand and said he had to put up with his mother's behaviour but he is not going to stand for any more, its just a pity he didn't do that in the first place.
After 47 years of marriage all is calm although I am still careful what I say to my Sil in case it is used against me.
I often wonder what on earth it was that all about, what did MiL gain by being so spiteful. The answer as I see it, was nothing. She drove everyone all away, DH's siblings marriages did not survive, and none of her 8 grandchildren wanted to know her, she died a lonely bitter women.

Now my own children are married and I am the MiL, I learnt a valuable lesson from my MiL, never to be like her. I make sure my children's partners are all treated the same, with love and respect. After all they are loved by my children and grandchildren and what more can you ask for. I am very gratefully for the love they give me and my DH.

I absolutely understand your anger and disappointment. I think anger is a healthy emotion but if it's carried around all the time.

If something reminds me of my late and ghastly mother in law I can become very angry indeed. Forgiving her is impossible for me.

We divorced years ago so I don't live in your situation. I think talking about it as much as possible might help rather than having it fester. All the best to you.

I think the suggestion of couple's counselling is a good one as it will enable you to express how you feel in an environment that you and your H would regard as 'safe' and 'controlled'.

If your H agrees to couple's counselling you need to be prepared for the possibility that he may have his own disappointments to express, regarding his relationship with his mum, her illness and death and his relationship with you.

Writing everything you feel in a letter is another good idea and I would suggest writing a letter to your deceased m.i.l. and your H as it's not just your m.i.l.'s behaviour you have an issue with.

Your H has apologised and explained how his mother's terminal illness affected his decision making. He can't go back and change the past anymore than you can.

You posted "we are finally free" but you're not and neither of you will be if you allow the past to encroach on your future.

I hope you can find a way to put this all behind you.

This whole MIL thing is a nightmare. Let's face it we are probably all one already or may become one and it is a minefield! It does sound like there is more at stake here than your anger at your MIL. You sound more angry with your husband. Some people have suggested counselling, get it all off your chest, lay your cards on the table and make sure he hears you. Not being heard is more damaging than not forgiving. I have never forgiven my FIL for irreparably damaging our family with his behaviour. I still think he's an idiot (now deceased). I am happy to live with my lack of forgiveness but I refuse to let him intrude on our lives any more. We are moving on together and I think that is maybe what you and your DH need to do too

I find it difficult to forgive someone's wrong doing especially in my past. It's a personal choice but my decision was not to regret and it works for me. Each day is a new day for us all to move forward. With the support you have now it's going to be a brighter future.

I too feel I am thinking too much about the past at the minute. Its reassuring to hear others are the same.

I had a struggle feeling guilty and weak because I could not forgive someone. So in the end I decided to research forgiveness. It turns out that the original biblical definition is simply that the wronged party does not seek recompense or revenge. It's actually morally ok to go on feeling the anger or resentment. So if you don't feel you can let go of the feelings that's ok as long as you don't let it affect the person you're angry with

Nothing can now change what your MiL said or did and I can understand your husband's decisions at the time not only because of his loyalty to his mother, but his loyalty to you. He must have felt very divided for all of your married life up until your MiL died.
What would you have done in his situation?
The way I see it is that you either spend the rest of your life revolving around things that have happened and can't now be changed, probably to the detriment of your marriage , or you can move on to a new era and build a new relationship with your husband in the process. Bitterness helps no one and will only colour things that happen from now on. Do you seriously want your MiL's influence to carry on into the future? If you can't let go, it will!

It is strange that this should come up today, when I have much the same thoughts and also need to put them behind me. My MIL was a neurotic, unhappy woman, who blighted the lives of all who knew her. I will not catalogue her misdeeds here because this is not my thread , but what really riled me was the way she belittled her only child/son at every turn and her (obvious to everyone) preference for our DD1 and rejection of DD2 as surplus to requirements.

I had sort of put all this behind me but when DH developed Dementia, (and with it Incontinence) he fretted endlessly about his, by then deceased mother, and how she would 'tan his hide' or lock him in the cupboard if she found out he had wet the bed. He was living in the past and back to being a frightened wee boy.

DH died in September. His will stated that he should be buried in the family graves along with his GPs, parents and maiden Aunt, thus filling the last lair of the double plot. In the event he was cremated and his ashes interred there, but I have kept some back to be scattered at sea along with me. Nonetheless I have a deep resentment that even in death MIL got her son back. Her favourite DGD has orginised it all and ensured that "beloved husband of .......(me)" has been added to the gravestone.

Having written this down, it all looks trivial and silly, but I cannot forget. All the memories of happy times - wedding, births, christening, Christmases, holidays are spoiled by what she did to ruin these occasions.

Forgiving is letting go of the hurt. It is a gift to yourself.

Forgiveness and lack of trust for future behaviours are different things though. I forgive people very easily but I'm not easily fooled a second time.

FridayIsComing - your pain comes out of your posting, and I am so sorry. I felt something very similar but it was my relationship with my own mother, which was complex and damaging. When she died I was full of anger, but as a previous poster has suggested, it was because I was now finally robbed of the opportunity of it ever being "made OK". I became determined not to repeat the pattern with my own children and it has ceased to matter so much. I'm also going to swim against the tide a bit here and agree with the counselling suggestion, also for your poor husband. I'm saying "poor" because he must have a mass of unhappy memories as well and may not know how to process them himself; nothing he can do now will erase them for either or you, but you might both find some sort of healing together. Sorry for the long post, and I really am so sorry that you are in this deep black hole. Some of the suggestions already made might help as well.

forgiveness is a personal thing,there are lots of pointers on how to forgive from philosophy etc.I read something recently, which was what people say and do to you, you forget, but you remember how they made you feel.If you take the 'you must forgive' then i question the wisdom of that, its surely a process, i like the buddhist saying' if you fail to forgive , then you are digging two graves, one for the other ,the other for yourself.......

As others have said you need to be kind to yourself. Don't waste time and energy in anger and bitterness. I'm not a Buddhist, but I do believe in Karma and the best thing to do is to make sure that your own life is filled with as much love and happiness as possible. Your husband was undoubtedly torn between you and his mother but there is not much he can do about that now and he has apologised. Moving on is difficult but (again as other have said) forgiveness does set you free. Good luck for the future.

Some things will.always be there in your mind, as some things remain on your body in the way if old scars. Acknowledge it, leave it in it's corner and enjoy the good things you have.

I do feel for you and think you are being really aware and reflective, not allowing yourself to 'rant' and reinforce your story of pain. I also think there have been many wise and helpful responses here. I just want to add that forgiveness doesn't seem to me to be a swift thing - not like flicking a switch. It starts with the willingness to forgive, and knowing that forgiveness is not pretending that things didn't happen. Its about letting go the mental and emotional re-telling of the painful story - ruminating is going round in circles with the impossible hope that this time re-telling the story will somehow release you. Accepting reality and allowing yourself to feel your feelings, without the accompanying thoughts, is the first step to freedom. As others have said, as far as you can, understanding what your husband has felt and struggled with, without judgement. Hard, as you have been hurt, but it could be the way to free you in the end from the hurt. Somewhere I read "Forgiveness sets the prisoner free - and then you discover that the prisoner was yourself" I have learnt a lot from this paperback book "Emotional Agility" by Susan David - maybe you would find it worth reading.

It is hard when someone has treated you so badly, but others are right.... hanging on to the angst damages you not them ?

The problem with just leaving it behind and moving forward with DH's behaviours in the past is that we don't know if they are in the past if there hasn't been a time it's been tested, apology or not. If a situation comes up in future, in any context, where we need someone to be strong for us, can we rely on our DH's to do that? Until I see evidence things have changed, I just can't feel secure in that. Sometimes it feels unfair that I have to be strong for everyone and we've had some very trying and painful times. Who will be strong for me? It's not as simple sometimes as just letting bygones be bygones. I leave my DH's issues with his mother in the past but I don't feel secure for future emotional support if needed. If that makes sense.

I don’t think all the comments of “let him prove himself” are helpful. He sounds like he’s doing his best. If nothing else, remember that without this woman, your husband would not be here. Let the rest go and look forward to happier times ahead.

Days like your having today you must look after YOU. Do everything that helps you through your day and take care of yourself. Think about having some Counselling...you can now have Counselling online using Zoom. It will be worth it for your Mental health. Our Mental Health is so important...why should you suffer further? You deserve to be happy and at peace. xx

Just a though, and please forgive me if I am wrong, but may I ask if these thoughts have got progressively worse since this dreadful pandemic began.
I personally am struggling with lots of things atm.
Please seek some outside help if you need it to try talk through these things.
By the way I do genuinely understand how dreadful it must have been for you over the years.

remember
HURT PEOPLE hurt people
xxx

forgiveness releases You from all the hurt that they caused you
of course what they did was horrible