I feel so guilty

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It’s amazing how people crawl out of the woodwork when there’s money involved!

Your mother left the house to YOU. It’s obviously up to you if you want to give some money away, but don’t forget, your brothers lived with your mother long after you married.

I know it’s hard, but nobody can make the decision but you.

You say “we are not wealthy” .... and on that basis, you should not give your adult brother any money, as you do not know what is round the next corner for you and your immediate family. Many people are struggling financially and each has to find their own way thro. Have you asked him why he is struggling ? Does he work ? Does he waste money ? Many live their lives expecting others to bale them out financially and you are not responsible for an adult sibling. Harsh but true and your Mum didn’t put him in the Will for a reason.

You have no reason to feel guilty and would guess that this is the string pulling that your brother is currently doing.
I also wonder if the main reason he got back in touch with you in the first place!
For most of your adult life. you did what you had to do without outside financial help from anyone, but it seems that your brothers had been supported financially throughout that time by your mum which sadly probably meant that at least this particular brother either couldn't, or more likely couldn't be bothered to get himself sorted out - why did he need to, when he had the bank of mum to bail him out each time?
I think that quite rightly, you mum has given you your share that was due and if you cave in to his hints and then demands from this brother, it will never stop -you will become the bank of sister!
It's not your fault that your brother can't cope financially - it sounds like he has never had to!
I'm with your husband on this = don't lend out whatever little you have or you may find yourself struggling financially in the future. It really is not worth it brother or no brother!

Loulou31
I understand how your feeling, but your mum helped your brothers out when they asked for it, and to me it's obvious they have no financial savvy, otherwise why did your mum have to keep giving them it, she literally became their " cash cow ". So no, I don't think you should give any of your money to them because it will become a habit. She gave you what she did for a reason, if she'd wanted them to have more she would have left them extra. Don't be guilt tripped into giving them your money, because that's what's happening here. It's emotional blackmail, and it's obviously working or you wouldn't have needed to ask GN for advice. I doubt they,ll spend it wisely, and I think your mum knew it.

In my own similar experience, if you help out once he will never stop asking.

You were living in tied accommodation - it seems perfectly logical to leave you the house. If the money was split between you, I’m not sure why your brother thinks you owe him anything. It’s a pity your mum didn’t explain her decision to you more clearly, but she may have had very good reasons for not wanting to share the house between you, Eg if your brothers are not very good at handling large sums of money, or if there was a verbal agreement for the loans they had to be paid back to the estate by receiving less in the will. Once you set up a dependency, where someone is expecting to be helped out financially, it’s very difficult to break it - I honestly think I’d ignore his hints until he gives up.

There was a post on GN some time ago where a daughter had begged her mother to stop giving her brother money, as she was frightened he would start asking her when the mother died. Some people just can't control money and rely on the kindness of their family to continually bail them out. Harden your heart to his hinting and keep your hard saved money.

What constitutes lack of money by your brother?
My sister is always bleating about having no money and we would always give her cash, take her son on holiday with us etc. Then we found out that all her clothes and shoes are designer and that she ate out 5 times a week as well as evenings out.
What I'm saying is check his lifestyle does he have a social life, drink, smoke?
If not then maybe he is desperate but if he does then I think it may just be the usual grumblings of life.

When my dad died he left his estate shared 3 ways, my brother my sister and myself. My brother had been troublesome to my parents throughout his life and my sister asked me, as excecutor not to give my brother his third portion. Although my brother had caused immense problems to all of us, I felt honour bound to do what dad wanted and shared everything three ways. Your mother made her will and now you are in control of what you spend your money on. Don’t be forced into doing something through any feelings of guilt.

Just what I was going to say LeeN!

Complaining about 'lack of money' is very subjective and is usually dependant on our expectations of life. While to some it may mean that they're struggling to pay their rent, to others it may mean they can't afford a second foreign holiday or to buy the higher spec car they would really like.

Realistically Loulou, by giving your brother some of the cash that your mum left you, you may be disadvantaging your own children and grandchildren to help finance your brother's lifestyle.

I'm sure your mum knew that your house was tied to your husband's job and wanted to give you some security going forward. It's not as though your brothers were disinherited and received nothing, although some posters seem to have assumed this, they may have received substantial financial help in the past that you know nothing about.

Before even thinking of parting with your inheritance check the legal and tax situation, the last thing you want is to create an unexpected liability for anyone - giving gifts means that some tax would be due should you die withing 7 years, very different from a variation of a will. Also, what do your children think about this as really it's now their future inheritance, not just your money. I'd go with what your Mum intended tbh, these were her wishes.

I would sell the house and split the money with your brothers. It would be on my conscience forever if I didn’t. Especially since you weren’t there for your brothers, is there a difference in them being absent now, and you being absent in the past? Your mother clearly didn’t consider this when making her will. You should do the right thing.

Your brothers received what your DM wanted them to have. You have no responsibility for helping your DB.

Your mother left the money to you. Her decision, her responsibility. Case closed. You give money to your brother and I suspect that you'll be opening up a route for him to continue bending your ear for more. Responsible adult hood is about independence including financial independence.

My granddaughter aged 19 is always asking for money which she wastes on takeaways, expensive clothes, top of the range mobiles, etc etc. Her brother aged 21 never asks for money, they are both in similar housing and job situations so it proves that some people are kind givers and others are selfish takers. Just human nature, never been any different.

My mother's will, made soon after my father's death, had certain stipulations depending on whether my brother or I were still living with her. At the time he was living with her and I lived at the other end of the country and we were both single without children. By the time she died many years later we had both been married, had children who were young adults and the will left everything equally. At the time the will was made she showed it to both of us, explaining the inequalities that might occur so there were no misunderstandings.

At various times she helped us both out financially and I don't know if there were inequalities in that help or not, but that was her choice. On one occasion when my car died leaving me struggling to get to work she bought me one. I initially told her not to, as I knew I couldn't afford to pay her back, but her response was 'It's not a loan, it's a gift - just don't tell your brother!'. I know at different times she helped him out but don't know if they were loans or gifts.

I would advise any parent who intends to leave things unequally to explain their reasons in order to reduce the chances of a family rift. Sadly in your case this wasn't done, leaving you to feel that maybe you owe your brother(s) something. As others have said though, your mother made her will as she did for reasons best known to her. You should not feel guilty having inherited what you did, as it was her decision. The money is now yours to do with as you wish. If you are concerned that a sibling is in difficulties then you could help out if you can afford it, but you need to judge if his moaning about money is because of a real shortage, or if it is an attempt to guilt trip you. You are under no moral obligation to hel him so only do it if you want to, not because you feel pressured.

Loulou31 it reads that you all three inherited cash in equal shares , so whatever your brothers did with their money whether they squandered or saved was not your problem, equally your third of the inheritance was nothing to do with them , you saved yours for your children and your grandchildren , enjoy your part share with your husband and family and let your adult brothers sort themselves out .. they are not little children any more!!

Many years ago, I was in an almost similar situation. I left home to live with my father and stepmother, leaving my 3 younger brothers to live with my mum. There had always been problems between her and I and I'd had enough. Fast forward twenty or so years, I had two young sons, divorced, working part-time, little money coming in. My father was in touch with my brothers but they always moaned about not having enough money. Despite me definitely not having enough money, I never moaned to him or anyone about it. Every now and then, he'd send me a 'wage' packet with a few quid in - to help out. When he died, none of us got anything. It all went to my stepmother. She did say to me that had she died within 3 months or something, everything would have come to me, the house, cars, the business, everything. I made the mistake (we learn from them, hopefully) of mentioning this to my mother at some point. She was livid with me, telling me how selfish I was and that it would have been my moral duty to see that my brothers were given a share of everything. As I hadn't actually received anything, it was a pointless argument, but it made me realise how, inadvertently, trouble can be caused by parents not being fair with their children, regardless of what their circumstances are. Had my father's estate come to me, I would have sold his house, the cars, the business and split the money 4 ways between me and my 3 brothers, making sure that our mother was comfortable as well. I would seriously think very carefully about what to leave and give or not give if you have siblings because resentment can last a lifetime.

I would split the money in thirds and give each of your brothers’ their share. Surely anyone who makes a will in favour of just one sibling must know it will cause problems. I’m surprised your brothers didn’t challenge the will in the first place as it appears they would have had grounds in that you and your mother had not been in contact for 20 years. Also if your brothers have children why should only one set of grandchildren benefit and not the others.

I cant understand why parents do this it causes resentment. I think I would have shared the entire inheritance with my siblings at the time it was bequeathed. You were all your mothers children and they both your brothers .
I dont think I would have enjoyed the benefits it gave me unless I divided it into 3 equal parts .

I wouldn't give him anything. Your mum gave him money .you don't have to.

Somebody above said regardless of the will siblings had agreed that after the death, regardless of the will, they would divy up equal shares of the estate. In.real.life doesn't happen.

Mooney59 - no woman nowadays, if left money, has to hand it over to anyone (certainly not her husband) - I have never heard anything quite so daft. I’ve just been left a ring which a) wouldn’t fit him, b) wouldn’t look good on him and c) isn’t a man’s ring. Certainly in a marriage you don’t own everything and can give away what you own to anyone. I am shocked!!!

When my DH died his will left everything to me & then my DD if I had predeceased him. He left nothing to his on DD & DS, on our Solicitor's advice he also left a letter explaining his reasons, their DM (his Ex) was in a better financial position to provide for them.

My DD didn't inherit anything from her DF, everything going to his wife. My will leaves everything to my DD & DGs