Thank you all so much for the supportive messages.
Some of you seem to have picked up on the fact that I'm usually a pretty positive type of person, and that things have just got on top of me a bit lately. Obviously things were much better when my husband wasn't also suffering with ill health, and I guess it's this that has made life more difficult.
I think we've both come to terms with the need to move house when we are finally allowed out of this never ending lockdown situation, but I must admit that the thought of trying to get rid of the stuff that we no longer need, prior to a move seems rather daunting. Unfortunately, due to recovering from pneumonia just prior to our last move, I didn't have the time, or energy to get rid of a lot of the stuff that I should have done, so it ended up coming with us, which doubtless cost us a lot more in moving fees than it might have done otherwise, so I really don't want to have to move stuff that we don't need for a second time. Still, I guess I'll just have to pull my finger out and get on with sorting it out and getting rid, although again, due to lockdown, getting rid of stuff is so much more difficult than it normally is, and then it all seems rather overwhelming.
I think that perhaps 'CornishPatsy' may have hit the nail on the head, when she said that mixing with younger, fitter people occasionally, may give us a bit of a lift, particularly as we've recently heard we're to become Great Grandparents for the first time later this year!!
Once again, I'm very grateful for the advice and support from so many of you, it means a lot!
Gransnet forums
AIBU
AIBU to be feeling a bit lost?
(76 Posts)Hi everyone!
My DH is 60 and I am 61 and we seem to have hit a point where we feel that life really doesn’t have much left to offer us.
I have been disabled with a back problem for the last 20 years, and find it difficult to stand, sit or walk for more than a few minutes without suffering severe pain, which means that I have to spend a lot of time stuck in bed, but up until recently I felt that I had been able to handle life with my disability pretty well all in all. Always telling myself that there is someone worse off than me, and continuing to do a little bit of DIY, gardening, crafting etc, as and when I have a couple of hours where the pain isn’t so bad.
We did our big 'Escape to the Country' about 5 years ago, something which we had both dreamed of for many years, and moved about 200 miles from family, seeing it as a last big adventure before we got old, but sadly since then, my health problems have got worse, and my husband who was fit and well when we moved here, now needs a double hip replacement, and suffers with arthritis in his knees. When we moved here, we visualised lovely trips out in the countryside, maybe stopping for a drink and pub lunch while we were out, and nice strolls by the sea, which is not too far away by car (I have a mobility scooter), but in reality it hasn’t worked out this way. 1. because I’ve developed car sickness, and 2 due to my husbands leg and hip problems. However, we do love the area we live in and are very happy in each other’s company. We have no major money worries, but it seems our health has really put a halt to our enjoyment of life.
My family were very unhappy about our moving away at the time, and made things very difficult for the first 3 years, but have since come to terms with things, although they have made it clear that they would be very pleased if we were to move back, so that it’s not such a long journey if there were an emergency. We would quite like to move back now, as life hasn’t turned out the way we had hoped, and it would be nice to have family closer, but there is still quite a lot of work that needs doing to make the house saleable, and now that we’re both struggling, everything takes so long, that it seems like a massive mountain to climb, before we can even think about tackling another move. Plus with Covid, it doesn’t really matter where we are, as we’d still pretty much be living in isolation even if we were just a mile up the road.
We have therefore arrived at a point where neither of us can see a lot of point in life anymore, as it’s such a struggle just to get through every day. We feel we have nothing left to look forward to and yet in our early 60’s find it hard to accept that this is likely to be our life for the remaining time we have left. I know that in reality, compared to others we have very little to complain about, but wonder if anyone else has found themselves in the same situation, and if so, whether they’ve found a positive way to move forward in life, or whether we just have to accept that this is it.
Sorry this is such a long one, but I wanted to try and give as clear a picture as possible of the situation.
Congratulations on your "soon to be" great grandparents later this year. That will certainly give you both something to look forward to. As far clearing stuff...small steps at a time, cupboard at a time. There is always a sense of a achievement when you do a clear out of things you no longer need. It can be a little sad too, bringing back memories but just be ruthless and remember that it's less to take with you when you do decide to move in the future.
Take care and be positive as I believe you are
At least you tried so no what ifs. I endorce what others have said really, you bought the house whatever needed doing so you will sell. Do the move sooner rather than later. Good luck.
Firstly get yourselves on vitamin d daily and magnesium and top up with Epsom salt baths, then get some proper Cbd oil of high strength, cover the pain and health first
Reading all these posts, with which I can empathise, I'd just like to say that I really miss laughter! If anyone knows of a book or film that can make us laugh out loud please tell! It may be a temporary release from the depression many of us are suffering but I always used to find it a real tonic. Some group Zoom meetings can supply this if well led.
OOPs - just seen another of today's threads recommending some of our best-loved comedians!
I'm 60 and my husband is 74. Last year, we moved to be near my son, his girlfriend and their expected baby. We lived in the centre of a thriving village, had a lovely old cottage and had settled into life there for 25 years. The decision to move was a very BIG one.
We talked ourselves out of it for two years. Then we bit the bullet and we are so glad we did. We live in a warm, modern, manageable house with the option to move to an apartment later on on the same site. Having my son so close is wonderful and the new baby is just gorgeous.
It was a huge undertaking but were glad we did it and yes, there were problems, not least Covid19, but we got through it. The new buyers bought our house 'warts and all' so they could be close to their family.
My message to you is just do it.
oh hugs and prayers.. I found it , not easy , to de clutter, I did a bit at a time,, actually still need to.. amazing what stuff we
accumulate..
I would move ,if it was my decision. when I retired from full time work, dh and I moved back to be nearer our children and grandchildren.. we had done something similar to you, moved to a country location, still miss it of course, but had 20 years here near to our family and gks, and don`t regret it, smaller house, built up area, to what either of us have ever been used to,, but worth it..
start de cluttering? bit at a time? look at houses to see what you like and can afford? slowly slowly, keep on.
more hugs and prayers
oh yes, vit. D is good
There's no shame in moving back.
Some years ago, we moved to New Zealand. Five years later, we came back to the UK. All good.
I am not in your situation and don't pretend to be, but I am in Lockdown (like everyone else) and here are some of the things that make me happy:
an exciting drama/film
an engaging book
social interaction, via computer or phone
tasty food
warmth and comfort
fresh cut flowers
looking at old photos (and editing them using simple software like paint)
writing a letter
soduku
online scrabble
researching a country (flag, history, food, fame)
organising my 'bits and bobs'
cooking in new ways (I'm vegan following cancer)
singing
playing with make-up
yoga
walks (but may not be possible for yourselves)
Hope some of these help!
Smiles and positive vibes to you OH.
I can understand only too well how you feel and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!
I had to retire when I was 50 from my senior nursing post. I had had back pain since having my son when I was 37, but put it down to getting older. I was checking a patients BP and felt something "snap" in my back. The pain was excruciating and xrays revealed 2 fractures in my spine. A scan showed that I had severe osteoporosis. That was the end of my 30 year nursing career - I was forced by my employers to take early retirement. I loved my job, so I was devastated, and have suffered from depression ever since! Also, I now have osteoarthritis in almost all my joints, so every day is a pain-filled struggle! ?
However, worse was to come! Just over a year later, my husband's company paid off more than half their staff, and as a Senior Manager, he was one of the casualties! That was in early 2009, and he was almost 52. He also had some health issues, which combined with his age and the recession, made getting another job impossible! His health further deteriorated and it soon became clear that he would never be able to work again! We still had a mortgage to pay, so after we used up our savings and his redundancy money, we had to declare ourselves bankrupt! Our house was repossessed and we lost everything! Also, my husband had tried to access his Occupational Pension on ill health grounds, but it was refused as he was under 55! That meant that under the terms of the bankruptcy, his pension was seized, as it was considered an asset! I had already got my pension from the NHS, so they couldn't touch that, but we soon discovered that it put us just above the threshold for claiming any benefits! Of course, we were eligible for Disability Benefits, but for a long time my husband refused to claim, so we were very short of money! Add to that the fact I now don't get my State Pension until 2023 instead of 2017 and you have a recipe for disaster!
These days we live in a privately rented property on a fraction of our former income - the chances of things changing are virtually zero! Over 30 years working full-time in professional jobs, and we have virtually nothing to show for it! ??. Also, my daughter and her partner labelled us "Benefit Scroungers" as we were forced to claim disability benefits just to survive! They say the taxes they pay are keeping the likes of us - even although I pay tax on my pension!
All that has happened to us has changed my husband and I, and not for the better! I suffer badly with depression and have even attempted suicide! He has become very withdrawn and uncommunicative! We are like complete strangers to one another! I was recently diagnosed with unstable angina, and under no circumstances am I going to be taking medication for it! As a retired nurse, I know exactly the likely outcome! I also have an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment, which includes a DNR order! For me, death would be a welcome release from what I am going through now! I fully understand why you feel the way you do - none of us know what lies ahead, and being a pessimist, I can only imagine my life getting worse! My grandmother used to say "old age doesn't come alone" - she was right! ?
I am in a similar situation. My husband is 70 and has MS and Dementia I am younger but suffer with sciatica due to lifting things my husband can't life anymore and also lifting him when he falls.
Our days are regimented but I try to fill them with a few little things to look forward to.. a walk ,husband in his mobility scooter, a game of cards or dominoes etc, everyday I cook a nice evening meal and we have a glass of wine. I find a film to watch in the afternoon so we both sit down together . Nothing we do is life changing but we just look forward to doing them. The biggest help is we live 5 miles from our daughter and grandchildren. I know everyone has their different ways of coping . Just thought I would let you know what we do. I think we will all feel better when the covid situation ends. I hope things improve for you both soon. Take care xxx
The housing market will pick up in the spring, for both buyers and sellers. Many people prefer to pay a little less for a house and modernise it to their own taste. The success of vaccination will lead to people's feeling more mobile and hopeful and more able to buy and sell.
You will be able to move house and be closer to your helpful relations which is your present priority. You seem to be a sound thinker and planner which is a big advantage.
This is very worrying as you could both have another 30 years or so and you need to make some changes to give your life meaning again. Is it really necessary to get the work done on the house before you sell it? Could you not sell at a lower price just to avoid the hassle? What about looking for a sheltered accommodation place near your family? I really hope you can think of some way to change your lives for the better.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Agree with Gingster my husband always wanted to move to our holiday home but I wasn’t too keen. Thankfully we didn’t as my DH diagnosed with a serious condition and we would have been pretty isolated. If no lockdown we would be visiting the holiday home but not been for over 18 months. I feel you will be so much happier nearer you your family especially as both of you are not in the best of health. A lot of people are feeling very low at the moment lockdown adds to problems. I hope you feel better soon and maybe having sonething to work towards - relocating will help take your mind off things a little. Sending you a big hug x
I think if you re read your post, you may see a solution. It does sound like you want to move back nearer to family and if so, do it! If it seems a huge thing, take it in stages, look online for something you like, get your place valued, get your family to help, when it does come to moving. I’m sure they’ll do that...it will be stressful but...you’ve had an adventure and now it’s time for another one. Don't dismiss life as you have plenty more living to do! Good luck!
OH could I just add that your husband's situation will improve once he has his hips replaced. My husband had a new lease on life when his was done and the awful pain gone. It was the same experience when his knee was replaced a few years back.
Ask for a referral to a pain clinic for yourself. I thought that in this day it was possible to have a greater control over pain issues. No wonder you're feeling down with Covid on top of everything else.
I would also concur with the moving back to be closer to the family. One of the things that has gotten us through lockdown is the occasional surprise end of driveway appearance of 'the kids'.
Again once it's allowed do you have a friend who enjoys clearing out stuff and would happily help with the task? At the end of the day most of it is just stuff and doesn't provide happiness. When we moved here we gave a lot of stuff away on freecycle , charity shops and the totally unwanted and unusable to the tip.
Hope you're feeling brighter soon. Good luck 
Some really good advice here so I haven’t much to add, just something you might want to throw into the mix
The housing market for properties which offer opportunities for buyers to escape from urban areas is booming due to the events of 2020. Potential buyers seem to be snapping up properties which need a fair amount of work - my own son and his family included. The younger generations seem to relish changing everything when they buy so don’t worry about putting it on the market in a condition which is less than perfect - it will probably all be ripped out
anyway.
Sending you best wishes
Glad to read that you have a good sense of how you can recover from this dip, OH.
As to decluttering, when we downsized we arranged with a house clearance company to remove stuff. We just decided what we wanted to keep. One company would have charged but we went with one that didn’t charge but reckoned to make their money from selling the (to us useless) stuff. It was a load off our minds.
OH I know exactly how you feel. Just walking from one room to another feels like a major feat, and simply getting up, washing and dressing feels like a days work. My back problems started when I was in my early 30s and instead of getting less painful as all the orthopaedic surgeons claimed, it has just got worse. I am 69 now. In 2018 I was diagnosed with an auto-immune problem and am taking drugs which wreak havoc with muscles bones etc,etc.
It sounds as if you are both depressed, and why wouldn’t you be in the circumstances? Chronic pain saps energy and enjoyment even when you’ve looked forward to doing something, and when life’s difficulties come along you have less resiliance to deal with them. You are probably also dealing with the grief that comes with the loss of your abilities and the life you thought you would have in retirement. I think you should seek some help from your GP - there is no disgrace in admitting you are not coping with your pain and the way you feel.
I am sure that your children would miss you terribly if you weren’t around any more, and would be devastated if they knew the extent of your despairbut have you considered that by moving closer to them you could see more of them and help them to help you?
I hope you can find a way to feel better about the things you can do and less about what is no longer possible.
Scottydog i wish I could say something to help. My husband and I don’t have a good relationship and hardly speak but we are ok financially and when things improve will be able to see the family again.
OH I agree with the posters who say you should move near your family. Losing a bit on the house is nothing compared to your health and happiness.
I really feel for you both... You say you are usually a positive person and this current situation plus your health problems is enough to drive anyone crazy.
Firstly, I had pain in my left hip for years and had to wait 2 years for an op on the NHS... I was not sleeping, crying in pain and felt very old at 58! I probably made my husband's life hell! Now 60 and having had the operation it has been great despite a rather difficult recovery. So there is hope for your husband...
Maybe if you are moving closer to your family and downsizing (?) you could consider getting the op privately rather than wait another two years potentially. Constant pain grinds you down.
Definitely do see your GP as they might be able to prescribe something that will help on a short-term basis if you have mild depression. Someone recommended Vitamin D here and it does help in the darker months. Some medics are now insisting we take it all year round in the UK!
Mixing with your family and new great grandchild will be wonderful and having younger people around definitely improves ones outlook on life. it gives you something to get up and dress for..
Best of luck and I really hope your situation improves soon.
Hi dear friend,
I think that a lot of the advice you have been given is grand but I would also like to encourage you not to give up hope physically . I too have lived with pain in my hip and in my back but after surgery I am regaining my life . I am 64 .
I had my first hip replacement in 2017 and my 2nd in November 20 . I can honestly say that my hip pain is gone and my back is improving all the time .
I hope your husband can have his surgery soon and that you can get much needed help with your back.
My thoughts are with you .
Scottydog I just wanted to say how sorry I am at what you have been through, and are still going through. for you.
I have some mobility issues, have had for about 15 yrs now, plus other medical problems, all worsening over the yrs, i also have to keep going for my 2 sons who have disability/medical problems, but it doesnt do to dwell on it, nor to have nothing to hope for.And yes theres always someone worse off, as my late mum used to say. .but reading how youre feeling, at only ages 60& 61, blimey i may as well give up hoping now! (Im 57) Seriously though, you still have a lot of life left the pair of you- so dont give up now! Could there be a bit of depression creeping in? I dont think this current covid situation we are forced to be living in can have helped either- no getting out & about or meeting people? Like maybe you could have tried to in normal circumstances? (Ive seen other folk whizz about on those disability scooters in normal times!) And after all this last year we've endured & still are, it gets to be a bit oppressive.Try to keep on the optimistic side, try have a 'chat' with your doctor, and family, and if you feel you really want to move again look into it thoroughly first, not just the 'pipe dream' side of things.But keep being as busy as you can while you can, both of you.Try to plan things for a (hopefully) better covid free future.Its all we can all do right now.Good luck.??
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