DH daughter has announced her pregnancy

I agree with Nannan2. We always had separate bank accounts and shared all the household bills, holidays, gifts etc between us; as my husband earned more than me his contribution was more but I still had my own money I didn't have to consult anyone with. So do our daughters and their husbands, one of whom have separate current accounts and a joint one they both transfer money to for household bills. I can understand your husband's excitement over the news of his daughter's pregnancy, but I do think he is being unfair on how he spends your joint finances on them and begrudging the same for your daughter. Does he perhaps feel he has to compete with his daughter's mother? In light of all this, if it was me I would open a current account and have my money paid into that and transfer a proportion over to a joint account after discussing the domestic outgoings. You can then spend and contribute what money you like to your daughter without consulting your husband, and he can do the same thing. I think your husband needs a wake up call when it comes to finances, your contribution, unfairness and who actually is being mean spirited (and it's not you!)

M0nica

Why do OPs only ever tell half the story? You respond to that, then they post extra information, not litttle things that might be helpful, but the other half of the story that often completely turns upside down the tale the OP originally told.

My thoughts exactly.
Prwsumabky added because answers were not going her way....

Golly Gee this is getting very "tit for tat" isn't it? I think everyone needs accept that blood is thicker than water and t'was ever thus but it doesn't mean you can't all revel in the joys of what each part of the family bring.Stop focusing on money too! never a happy outcome on that score. But I am wondering if a great deal of this adoration is hiding an element of guilt that he hasn't been there for his daughter during her childhood/teens?was she living with his first wife/partner? I think there is a huge part of you that feels you may have lost a bit of power and I don't mean that in mean way. I have had and am having very similar experience and have admitted such that to myself.
Good luck and ENJOY LIFE!!!! It aint "alf short!

And why did you marry this man farmersdaughter? He sounds worse and worse the more you tell us.
A friend of mine who battled with a similar situation is now on her own and much happier.

However if you love him enough to put up with his selfish/bullish ways then I guess you have to grin and bear it.
Good luck to you.

Also, I’d want to help out my struggling daughter and son in law in these difficult times and I suspect you can’t without running it by Himself first? That would eat me up in itself!

But MummyJoJo isn’t trying to even things up from a past relationship ‘tit-for-tat’ too?
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Just to add to the others I agree with, I don’t think the grandchild thing he said is an issue at all. The money situation IS. You should be equal but you’re not, which means he has power over you and that’s not right. You need to point this out to him. Are you a little intimidated by him? Time for a heart to heart conversation I think.

Mummyjojo perhaps there is some guilt he left the relationship and he's trying to make up for that. Urmstrongran - it does eat away at me.

My ex never paid a penny towards my children for the whole time they were children, their stepfather did. My DH adopted my son when he asked him to and has mainly treated him as his own since he was 2 years old. However, do I kid myself that he feels exactly the same for my son as his own? Absolutely not. He is only human. What I ask of him is that he doesn't show that difference to my son. He would never hurt my son deliberately but can sometimes be unwittingly unthinking.
I helped bring up his children and try very hard to treat them similarly but the reality is, my children do come first. My stepchildren love me and call me Mummy2 in jest but the reality is their Mum comes first to them...as she should.
My husband paid for his daughter's wedding and could have reasonably expected that my daughter's father would have paid for hers. Of course, he didn't so I spent my savings to help her. We didn't pay for any of our sons' weddings but we did give them something for their honeymoons. We chose a traditional approach because with 4 boys and 2 girls we'd have been bankrupt. The boys were also in very different situations than the girls with fathers who could help or the sons earning very good money.
The main difference between you and us though, appears to be an ability to communicate and respect each other's decisions. You are in a very different situation in that neither of you brought up each other's children so the bond is not going to be as great so maybe the differences are to be expected in some ways. However, you do sound very resentful of your Stepdaughter and her father's relationship. Some of your posts sound like you actively dislike her but perhaps that is where you are angry. Maybe your DH senses that so doesn't want to discuss things with you for that reason. It sounds like you may have issues between you and your DH which you need to work upon.

Agree with Monica and Riggie regarding posters doing that, it does happen a lot.
I think you should have your own bank account with your own money to spend on what you like. I really see no issue with what he’s done, the blended families that I know this sort of thing happens often and is accepted. I wouldn’t rock the boat it just shows jealousy I would just open your own bank account then you can buy your dd and gc whatever you want.

Just finishing off to say good luck going forward Farmersdaughter and thanks for popping back on a few times to acknowledge our posts - that’s nice of you - it doesn’t always happen on AIBU threads!
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Dear me, what an unhappy relationship this is. Both sides.

He probably would have thought a bit more before saying this had he not been so overcome with joy; we all say things we probably should have phrased better. I would ask him in a quiet moment about it.

If the money is coming from a joint account the amount should be agreed first between you. If he wants to give more he must do so out of his own money. I’ve seen these things escalate out of control before so be very wary how you tackle it. Good luck

Sit down over a cup of coffee and talk to him. Explain your fears gently in a non-accusatory manner. He will probably put your mind at rest but at the same time please join in his delight at the happy news.

Farmersdaughter...you are going to have to put your foot down and not let your husband dictate how 'your' money as well as his money is spent on each of your children! It will cause hurt otherwise! He has to understand that...what is decided to spend on 'one' child will be spent on the 'other'! Or if he wont go with that...separate your savings and just come together for bills.

I'm step granny to two gorgeous grandchildren and I love them dearly. My son is expecting his first child any time now, and I said exactly what your DH said- 'my first grandchild' when they told us. As others have said, it's the genetic bit - I was delighted when my step son announced the arrival of my grandchildren, and I always think of them as 'mine'. The only bit that's different is I long to see the child of my child. Will he be like my DS as a baby, who will he look like? I will not treat him differently I hope. If there is a difference it will be that I will not need to tread as carefully with the other Granparents(s). My husband is not on friendly terms with his ex-wife, and I try very hard not to upset her. Babies bring a world of love with them, enough for all the grandparents, genetic or not. Enjoy your new grandchild, and be kind to your DH in enjoying this time

Oh goodness. Of course he's thrilled. He couldn't have said, oh that makes number three. It's his direct bloodline - give him some leeway and be happy for him.

My word, Farmer's daughter, you are jealous.

I think your husband has been generous; your daughter was an adult when he married you, and he was under no obligation to provide anything for your daughter, but he did.
I advised you earlier to have a separate savings account, and as you feel so bitter about the differences in weddings, honeymoons, Moses baskets et al, you should withdraw the money you have already contributed and explain why. Simmering resentment will destroy what should be such a happy family occasion. You are very lucky to be having three grandchildren.
Your own daughter, incidentally, doesn't seem perturbed by it at all.

Congratulations to you and your DH on the news of your forthcoming GC/step GC Farmersdaughter.

For your DH, this will be his first GC so his remark, all be it a little insensitive, is understandable.

It's a great pity that you 'rolled over' to begin with when it came to your joint income being spent on your respective AC, with more being spent on your step D. In your position, when your step daughter was getting married, I would have 'compensated' my D to make it equal, whether my H had liked it or not.

OK, it's too late to do anything about that now but it's not too late to even out the amount that was spent on the moses basked when compared to what your H will be spending before the new baby is born.

If you're not happy with his willingness to spend more on his D than is spent on your's, you need to tell him and so do something about it as once this baby arrives, things may only get worse.

We have always treated our AC the same, birthdays, Christmas, weddings. I would never have accepted anything less. I suppose it's quite clear that your DH does intend to favour his DD and her children. I would make sure that mine had the same treatment. I would also be looking to support them in the pandemic, as sometimes you have to treat according to need, rather than treat all the same. This might be the time to think about make some redress?

Farmersdaughter

Maybe I am being unreasonable however I fear what may come for the other two I would hate for them to be pushed aside since they do dearly love him but he's constantly favoured his daughter in every situation. When my DD got married we had a budget she was given towards said wedding since there would be at some point another wedding to make it fair. Great. Two years later DSD married I expected same would happen with perhaps an increase of a couple of hundred pounds to take into account rise in prices. No the budget was given plus 2 thousand towards honeymoon the dress bought cars and bridesmaid dresses paid for! When I questioned this I was accused of being mean and was told basically to butt out of his relationship with his DD. I for a quiet life let it go. It was money we had both saved as we both still work. He's already told her were buying the nursery set and pram. When I suggested buying a pram for eldest grandchild it was shot down and she was bought a Moses basket. Now can you see where I'm coming from.

I find it odd that you wouldn’t expect him to favor his own child over yours.

However, if you have a joint account, perhaps you need to each put money in your own accounts for extras for your own children.

This isn't the first time he's show his true colours then I'd be having words and if told to butt out again he would be taking his butt out of my life!

Farmersdaughter

Oh yes and fuming over the fact they just walked in and sat down! We're in a pandemic but this didn't bother them neither did they seem bothered by the fact they informed us that we were their last port of call to break the news! Great they'd been to DSH brother in another county - 50 odd mile away in the morning then all the rest of his family parents and grandparents then DSDs mum and grandfather and finally us! Brilliant so much for not mixing I understand fully how excited they are but come on - he's a community officer his dad is a police officer as is his brother!! Unbelievable.

You could have stopped this.
This was fully in your control.

Before I read your second comment, I thought his remark was unfortunate. I wouldn't have said "A grandchild at last" under any circumstances, certainly not out loud, for all sorts of reasons. He should have just said, "I'm thrilled". It was a tactless remark. I just wondered how long you've been together since he's given more to his own daughter than yours and it's so obvious. It's a shame you have had to agree to this for the sake of a quiet life, but I guess you're the best judge of that.