DH daughter has announced her pregnancy

The main problem would seem that he is making decisions, without consultation, about the OP’s money by sanctioning large spendings from their joint account. If she questions those decisions she is accused of being mean and mean spirited.
I hope this is something she is going to remedy quickly by separating their finances. Joint accounts only work if there is financial trust between partners.

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

Paddyanne
I think JOINT means its half his so he was contributing

I’m not saying he didn’t contribute. But if she should feel grateful for this, what about the gratitude for Farmersdaughter’s even larger contribution from their joint account to the partner’s daughter’s much more expensive wedding?

There is clear disparity here in that the 2 daughters are not being treated in an even handed manner and the OP and her daughter are seeing more of her money going on things for his daughter than her own.

The main problem would seem that he is making decisions, without consultation, about the OP’s money by sanctioning large spendings from their joint account. If she questions those decisions she is accused of being mean and mean spirited.
I hope this is something she is going to remedy quickly by separating their finances. Joint accounts only work if there is financial trust between partners.

It’s strange that this, to my mind much larger problem was not even mentioned in the original post.
Anyway - enough - and good luck going forward Farmersdaughter.

The phrase, 'blood is thicker than water' sits very uncomfortably with me because it's usually stated as a given when it patently is not. If it were then everyone would always be closer to family members [who share the same 'blood'] than they are to close friends, spouses [no blood relationship there], adoptive children etc.?

I have a blended family and my husband has never differentiated in his treatment of the children who were born of blood rather than love. And all of our children care for each other, even those who were adopted or fostered.

I do accept that favouritism exists in some families, but I think that is another matter.

I think JOINT means its half his so he was contributing

Paddyanne, if the step dad had contributed to his stepdaughter's wedding from his own bank account, your comments would be totally justified. But, the contribution came from the couple's joint account. The much larger contribution to his own daughter's wedding again came from their joint account.

The provision of the moses basket for the OP's first grandchild and the planned provision of the nursery furniture and buggy for his daughter's child is also coming from their joint account. The disparate amounts for their daughters is paid by both of them not just him. So one dàughter is benefiting more from their joint funds.

Honestly ,your OH had no obligation to pay for your DD's wedding ,,especially as her own dad didn't think he should provide more than the cake .I think you should appreciate that he did put towards a wedding for a woman he didn't know until she was an adult .Its very different if she had been a baby or a small child when he met her and if he helped raise her .
His ex may well be fairly well off but surely you would have expected him to pay for his own childs wedding ,its what GOOD dads do ,maybe a conversation should have been had with your DD's own dad about costs .

I would be hurt too ?

farmersdaughter - with a new addition to the family maybe now is the time to sort out wills and retirement finances- it's a good excuse anyway and may make sense to your husband as well.

Get some professional help if you can, they will have experience of different ways to do things.

I think the love will continue for your daughter's children but the financial situation is likely to get worse.

Just a thought- is your husband trying to keep one step ahead of his financially well to do ex? ...

Good luck anyway.
Difficult conversations to come but it is sortable.

It’s his daughter and his grandchild. Yes, that’s going to mean more to him than your children. It’s not rocket science.

Farmers
Thank you for your reply.
From the outside looking in l think your husband was excited and what he said must have come out in the moment of happiness.
I think you should let it go as he has been so good to your grandchildren. I’m sure your own father was thrilled when you were expecting your first child.
Also the relationship between fathers and daughters is usually very special and I feel that if you say anything to your husband about unequal treatment between your daughter’s it could upset him and he might feel animosity towards you.
Also do you and your husband both put equal amounts of money into your joint account?
If so then even things out and give equal to your daughter if it makes you feel better but if you can let it go l think you will feel better long term.
At the moment I have recently spent more money on my son’s girlfriend’s daughter than my own grandchildren. It doesn’t mean l love her more it simply means that I saw something l new she would love so l bought it. I don’t feel the need to give the same to my own grandchildren because I will spoil them when I see them. As for my son’s girlfriend’s daughter, l love spoiling her too. I don’t total it up making it even or fair because it’s not that important to me.

So did your DD's father pay anything towards her wedding? You seem to be putting all the responsibility onto your DH. Also did his DD need more of a contribution than your DD? Perhaps you should either air your grievances or stop worrying about it and ensure you separate finances so you have your own money. Then if he gifts money to his DD or GC you can give your money to yours.

I didn’t have a good relationship with my father or step-father, and was really quite jealous of the love my husband has for his only daughter. ( all our children were adults when we married a few years ago). I called it jealousy at first, but then realised it’s not jealousy, it’s envy. I wish I’d had that love from my own father! I adore the step-grandchildren I have, but it’s not the same as the child of my daughter or son. We keep separate finances, I buy what I want for my children and grandchildren, he pays for his own family. I certainly wouldn’t expect him to contribute to my children’s weddings! Nor would I expect him to contribute to presents for them. Everyone is different though, and you have to work out a way that lets you both do what you want!

bit of a drip feed, as they say over on MN.
so if all this wedding money etc was given from a joint a/c, why didn't you simply transfer 2K to your daughter at the time of SDs wedding.
you have to take some responsibility for these issues, instead of observing them, feeling resentment, and then complaining later. maybe you complained to him at the time, but actions speak louder than words. you have colluded in this situation, and it is a childish peevish way to behave.
sorry, but you did ask AIBU.
life is brief. you can't change other people. try to be, do what you think is right. you said, you put up with things for a quiet life. but it is stopping you having a quiet life, it is bothering you. so you need to act. you. not him. and not by badgering him. you have as much right to use that joint a/c as he does. so do what you think is right, as an adult.
and don't let all this embitter relations with the younger people.

Nicegranny im so sorry to her your boys suffered at the hands of their stepmothers. I have unlike those supported my DSD and will continue to. Ive supported her through some difficult personal issues. Financially given support while studying in college then helped her and encouraged her to pursue her dream job just as i would any daughter. You seem to be under the impression im jealous of my husbands relationship with his daughter. This is not so. My issue was my DHs initial comment and my fears regarding past inequalities

Farmers
You didn’t answer my question and everything you say sounds like the jealousy and resentment that my children grew up with from the stepmothers that they were subjected to.
I was married twice and had a child in each marriage. Both of my children suffered.
I was a stepmother to 4 boys and I know how hard it can be but 35 years later my stepsons still contact me and show they love me.
Perhaps you should take a long look at the situation and your honest reasons for being so annoyed.

There has to be the same rule for your children/grandchildren and his, especially if you're using joint savings to help or treat them.

It doesn't look like go feels this way, especially based on the obviously disparity over your contributions to the daughters' wedding celebrations.

If he insists on buying more than a moses basket for this grandchild I'd jump in and make it clear that you're not happy about his daughter getting more than yours, make it clear that you intend to redress the balance. Tell him that if he insists on buying the cot and pram you'll be checking out the price of a moses basket and making sure your daughter is given something similar in value to the difference, I'd even bring up the wedding and say that you're even thinking about doing something to to this up too, maybe put the cash difference in a bank account for 'your' grandchildren if your daughter isn't bothered by it.

Some people may think it's petty but children and grandchildren should be seen to be being treated equally otherwise it could cause resentment in the future. I know this from experience where my mother has 5 grandsons, the eldest (mine) has had everything he ever wanted given by my mother, my sister's 3 got less but significantly more than my youngest, who has seen/felt the disparity and when he was younger asked me sooo many times why she was so unfair to him, unfortunately I've had no answers for him. Now he's older, he's practically cut her out of his life. As they say, 'what goes around comes around' and as far as my son and I are concerned, she's done this to herself, so please, please, don't let your husband treat your 'bloodlines as inferior to his own.

It is not all right if the money belongs to both of you but more of it’s going to his child. I think I’d have something more to say about that. If you let it go it will prove the thin end of a wedge.

FarmersDaughter I have 4 darling Grandchildren, only one shares my blood. I love them all so so much, every single one of them is treated the same and the joy they bring me is immense. You have yet to have a Grandchild that is not a blood relative, when you do, you will understand there was no malice in your DHs words, it was just a fact but that doesn't mean he loves the other GC any less. Congratulations to you both

Oh dear how very insensitive on his part. Also regarding them barging in and not safe distancing in a pandemic well very selfish. I see lots of problems ahead sorry to say.

I think you're being totally unreasonable. He's always been a good grandad to 'your' grandchildren. Maybe he feels he has to overcompensate as you come across as definitely favouring your own daughter. Making excuses for your reasoning just makes you appear a bit spiteful and 'always right'. He sounds like a good man so treat him respectfully or this could end in tears.....

Before I read your second comment, I thought his remark was unfortunate. I wouldn't have said "A grandchild at last" under any circumstances, certainly not out loud, for all sorts of reasons. He should have just said, "I'm thrilled". It was a tactless remark. I just wondered how long you've been together since he's given more to his own daughter than yours and it's so obvious. It's a shame you have had to agree to this for the sake of a quiet life, but I guess you're the best judge of that.

Farmersdaughter

Oh yes and fuming over the fact they just walked in and sat down! We're in a pandemic but this didn't bother them neither did they seem bothered by the fact they informed us that we were their last port of call to break the news! Great they'd been to DSH brother in another county - 50 odd mile away in the morning then all the rest of his family parents and grandparents then DSDs mum and grandfather and finally us! Brilliant so much for not mixing I understand fully how excited they are but come on - he's a community officer his dad is a police officer as is his brother!! Unbelievable.

You could have stopped this.
This was fully in your control.

This isn't the first time he's show his true colours then I'd be having words and if told to butt out again he would be taking his butt out of my life!

Farmersdaughter

Maybe I am being unreasonable however I fear what may come for the other two I would hate for them to be pushed aside since they do dearly love him but he's constantly favoured his daughter in every situation. When my DD got married we had a budget she was given towards said wedding since there would be at some point another wedding to make it fair. Great. Two years later DSD married I expected same would happen with perhaps an increase of a couple of hundred pounds to take into account rise in prices. No the budget was given plus 2 thousand towards honeymoon the dress bought cars and bridesmaid dresses paid for! When I questioned this I was accused of being mean and was told basically to butt out of his relationship with his DD. I for a quiet life let it go. It was money we had both saved as we both still work. He's already told her were buying the nursery set and pram. When I suggested buying a pram for eldest grandchild it was shot down and she was bought a Moses basket. Now can you see where I'm coming from.

I find it odd that you wouldn’t expect him to favor his own child over yours.

However, if you have a joint account, perhaps you need to each put money in your own accounts for extras for your own children.

We have always treated our AC the same, birthdays, Christmas, weddings. I would never have accepted anything less. I suppose it's quite clear that your DH does intend to favour his DD and her children. I would make sure that mine had the same treatment. I would also be looking to support them in the pandemic, as sometimes you have to treat according to need, rather than treat all the same. This might be the time to think about make some redress?