Noisy neighbor - that's me!

I'd gently go on the defensive. You are allowed to have a life and you seems to be a considerate person. I can imagine you feel intimidated and may be a little bullied by your neighbours daughter.

So time for you to act on your own behalf, firmly, while being kind to your neighbour, who I suspect has some other issues going on.

You contact Environmental Health at your local council, explain your situation, what you have been accused of, your DD is your carer, DGC have to come with her due to lockdown, what you have in place to mitigate noise etc. Ask for a noise assessment.

This will help as you are most likely to have more complaints and you'll be able to state your case and defend yourself better if you've taken this action. If they then want to get the Police involved that will be Ok with you as I don't think there will be any grounds on which they can bring a legitimate complaint about you.

Once you have that in place if the daughter continues to accuse you of anything you have a case for bullying and harassment and as you are one of us "elderly" the police can get involved and speak to the daughter.

How she deals with her mothers issues is then down to her. May be her mother needs other help but that's not your responsibility.

From what you've said your noise is very reasonable and you are already doing as much as possible to reduce the noise. Please don't allow the peace and safety of and your home and family to be taken away by this.

I do feel for you as my sister has something similar a couple of years ago and it got to the point where she was terrified of loosing her home. Until she was away for a couple of days and was reported for having her music on very loud.

I go angry and asked the council for a noise assessment as we proved she'd be away at the time of that particular complaint. Sadly the person below her had mental health issues and for far too long was able to rob my sister of her peace and sense of safety.

Please don't let your situation get so bad that you get anxious or your DD's anxiety builds, these times are tough enough and we are all just doing the best we can.

It sounds as though you’re doing everything you can to be reasonable. Your neighbour, knowing your daughter visits regularly, is probably waiting for and expecting noise. As it’s only for a few hours a day I think she could easily turn up the volume on her radio or television. Explain to her that like all little boys he’s full of energy but the daily visits are just temporary. She will probably still moan but you will have tried to be reasonable. Don’t stop your daughter’s visits. They benefit both of you.

There is a condition called misophonia, which is an extreme sensitivity to noise such as people eating, tapping or breathing etc so the sewing machine noise could be her perception of another type of noise. You are doing nothing wrong at all, not playing loud music or doing loads of diy etc. The kindness approach is definitely best and a diplomatic word with her daughter could help. Perhaps neighbour could get to meet you and your lovely grandchildren and strike up a friendship or understanding. Sounds like she may need some CBT or some kind of help.

People do seem to have become unduly sensitive to the sounds of everyday life, and this started long before lockdown.

No, you cannot tie a three year old to a chair and it seems you and his mum have taught him not to scream or shout.

Nor can or should you need to worry about the sound of your washing-machine or hoover.

When you are alone at home, turn anything that makes a noise, TV or radio off. How much can you hear from your neighbours'?

This will give you some indication of how much noise the complainer is getting.

Then write her a note, explaining about your grandson's recent illness and your daughter's depression. Say you are sorry if your neighbour finds you noisy, but you cannot help it right now. Your daughter needs your help at your place rather than at hers.

If this woman or her daughter keep on complaining, try to ignore them. It doesn't sound to me as if the noise level in your flat is anything to complain about. You have a clear right to use your washing-machine and hoover during the day and to have children visiting.

When people post about the OP being entitled to a life and to do as she wants in her own flat, I just wonder if they’d take the same view of three hours trumpet practice, a non-stop barking dog or a neighbour that took up woodwork for three hours everyday ?

I worked with children, so their noise doesn’t bother me, in fact I chose a house next to a school because I like the playground sounds. But one mans meat is another nabs poison?

I’m also quite amused by suggestions that the neighbour might like to spend time with the children or that she’s jealous and wishes she could have children to visit her. Imagine if your neighbour played heavy metal every day and when you objected, she thought the perfect solution would be to take you to a concert where you could enjoy it close up ?

I am wondering whether the lady living below you could have tinnitus. For years I was convinced the lady next door played very loud music into the early hours of the morning. When I went to the clinic to have my hearing aids they asked me about tinnitus which I had never realised I had and of course that is what it was. To this day I hear loud music playing " in there" and I have had 2 different neighbours since. It is definitely in my head, particularly when I am stressed then it gets very loud. It is absolutely horrible to live with so this lady might need some help managing it. Tread carefully though with suggesting that is what it is, but perhaps you could talk to her daughter about the possibility.

Ignore her. Some people hear noises when there are none. I live in a downstairs flat. Yes we hear the occasional noise but people need to live. The neighbour who used to live next door to us complained about us playing music or watching tv too loud in the middle of the night. We go to bed at 9pm.

You cannot live your life to please other people. Even if she called the police they wouldn't do anything as you already do everything that a reasonable person could be expected to do.

When people post about the OP being entitled to a life and to do as she wants in her own flat, I just wonder if they’d take the same view of three hours trumpet practice , a non-stop barking dog or a neighbour that took up woodwork for three hours everyday

But sluttygran isn't doing anything remotely like that is she Peasblossom? Your extreme examples don't really have any relevance to the normal day to day living that the OP wants to be allowed to live in peace.

There are various health conditions that can alter and amplify hearing. I had one where for a while I could hear loads of things other people could not. One day I could hear a quiet beeping sound. My family though I must be hearing things. I tracked it down to a toy, inside a closed toy box, inside a closed cupboard, inside a room upstairs, and I was down stairs. As my family followed me, as I tried to track it down, they couldn't hear it until I opened the cupboard, and were astonished.

You are, however, taking all the appropriate action to minimise noise and can do no more. I have every sympathy with both of you. I don't know if you can convey in any way that it might be her ears, you might actually be doing her a huge favour if she can get help with whatever the problem is.

Your neighbour should not live in a downstairs flat is she is that noise sensitive. I’d just ignore. It sounds as if you are entirely reasonable about when you run washing machines etc. Police will pay no attention and environmental health would tell her there was no problem.

You are allowed to have grandchildren visit you. You are doing nothing wrong.

Chewbacca, in practice no she isn’t doing anything like that. It was the principle being espoused of “ entitled to do what she wants” “can’t live life to please other people “ etc.

If one thing is ok why not another? The trumpet or woodworking could be just as important to somebody. And the I think I would say a barking dog was actually pretty similar.

Compromise and consideration. On both sides?

She wouldn't want to live in my flat then....
My next door neighbours are having the first argument of the day ?
Apparently there's absolutely nothing I can do about it according to the noise abatement team (who wouldn't come out because of covid and other flat owners wouldn't complain as they would have to declare any dispute if they wanted to sell).
My tinnitus creates some strange noises, maybe that explains the sewing machine?
As for your grandson, you appear to have taken every reasonable step to reduce any noise.
I would do no more and live your life ?

Fwiw I live in an old semi detached & can hear the neighbour’s hoover on the detached side (never mind the semi side). If she is going to complain about hoover noises etc she really needs to move to the middle of nowhere.

I used to live in a semi with a very elderly lady in the adjoining property. With a lots of children doing music practice for half an hour each day, I was mortified at the annoyance we might be causing. At one point, we had a cellist, two trumpeters, two pianists and one on a piano accordion. When she invited me to take tea with her, I expected a roasting, so thought I’d address the issue head on, and I apologised profusely for the noise. Her response was priceless: ‘Goodness me, no, dear, don’t apologise. I used to be a professional musician and a music teacher. I am thrilled to hear them doing daily practice, and love to hear how they improve over time. I wish more parents encouraged their children to play instruments.’

She was the loveliest neighbour, and it was only at her funeral that I discovered she’d played in a major national orchestra, but given up her music career to be a nurse alongside her father, an army surgeon, during WW1.

Compromise and consideration. On both sides.

Yes precisely PeasBlossom; blowing a trumpet for hours, undertaking DIY work at ungodly hours or an incessant barking dog are neither considerate nor neighbourly. Having young children to come and visit for a couple of hours in the afternoon and a daughter staying for a meal each day is normal every day life. Perhaps sluttygran should take up woodworking, practice the trumpet and get a dog; that would give her neighbour something to really moan about.

I can't stand noise, people shouting, bumps, music playing and or dogs continually barking, strimmers, lawn mowers (even my own!).DIY tools etc; It all drives me insane. I think people's toleration of noise levels are different.

That would also be taken into account by envoironmental health.
They are aware that some people are more sensitive to noise than others.

Toys, painting, potato cuts, books as previously mentioned our wonderful GS is 15 months and a real roundabout. I hurt my back and couldn't chase and lift him. We brought in everything toys and books wise and spread them around him. Every now and then we read a story, swooped toys when it looked like he was bored etc. We had cushions mixed in too - and he was very settled and even snoozed, no running about. I would say that unless you are in an elderly only development she has few grounds for complaint - and the police would see that. Good luck x

Nobody wants to think their loved are as noisy as the really are,because they love them and want to enjoy their company, nothing wrong in that we all deserve it, but when you are knowingly impacting on someone else's mental health & well being there must be some kind of compromises to made as you are both entitled to enjoy your homes. Maybe have them over every other day and then chat to them over zoom on the days you're not together, or go to your daughters for one day a week, if it's only a couple of hours then I'm sure you could manage the stairs to the loo especially if you use you own before you go over there, try that & see how you go, it would nice for you to get a break from your 4 walls & a break from your neighbour too! Or drop your neighbour a friendly note and offer to go halves on sound proofing and see how noisy she thinks you are then!

The hard flooring no matter what you wear on your feet will be acting like an echo chamber to downstairs. No doubt you have hard flooring in the washing machine fridge area and that will be horrendous downstairs. Fridges/freezers go on and off 24 hours and the vibration will be transmitted. Why can you not go to your DDs a few times a week and keep her company there. Lockdown and her son's illness have caused her stress. What will she do when schools go back and she is left on her own, surely if you visit her that will help her "acclimatise" to being back to normal. I have never understood why apartments are allowed to have hard flooring other than in kitchens and bathrooms, noise transmission is a well known problem. Sorry but you need to seriously look at your flooring and the kind and length of time of activities you allow.

You’re adding to my words, Chewbacca to twist them a bit.

I didn’t say blowing a trumpet for hours. I didn’t say DIY at ungodly hours. I didn’t say “incessant* barking.

Just whether posters would give the same toleration to three hours of trumpet practice as they feel should be given to three hours of running and jumping.

To be fair we don’t know what it’s like to be in the flat underneath, every day. It might be a reasonable level of noise. It might not. We know the neighbour feels it makes her life a misery. We know the little boy is boisterous.

I’ve suggested shutting off the bedroom from the running to make the neighbours bedroom quieter, adjusting the visiting time on a couple of days to lunch so the nap can be taken. If I knew when the nap was Id arrange a quiet time of juice and biscuits and a story.

I’ve always found a willingness to understand the other persons point of view and make small compromises goes a long way.

Sounds like your neighbour has some issues going on, one solution could be swapping flats, you can get in and out easily and she won't hear the kids!

A friend of mine in an upstairs paid to have soundproof boarding on the floor and also a think floor carpet may deaden sound too ?

One of my "upstairses" used to "play" the guitar along to music every evening.
Always 'Pretty Woman', and he kept time by tapping his feet loudly.

Mercy!!

Having caught up with postings, did your neighbour complain about the noise before lockdown. Your DD is your carer so surely you would have had very frequent visits from her and your GD who yo do say us quiet then with GS before lockdown.Was there ever a complaint then or is it wholly since GS started running about? I did have an experience with my DM hearing sewing machine noises from her neighbour in a semi detached. I definitely thought she was suffering from tinnitus. Got so bad I stayed overnight to prove there was no noise - I was wrong. I spoke with the neighbour to ask what the noise could be and she confirmed she was sewing late evening and early hours. Explained the problem and neighbour confirmed she had a machine at edge of bedroom ( easy for plug sockets) next to my mother's. Agreed to move the machine to other side of her room. Problem ceased. Not all noise in older peoples are due to tinnutus.