My grandaughter visits her step sister not me we are in the same town

On reflection my reply was not very helpful MaggsMcG. I hope some of the other replies have been.
Wishing you well

Firstly, so sorry to hear about your husband. That’s not going to have helped, and has probably made you more sensitive.
I know I would have felt the same, and understand you completely, but it really is best to just stay back, and welcome her when she does want to come. It’s all so difficult at the moment, and she may not have been sure. Young people are on a completely different wavelength. Try to find other interests if you can, and not focus on one thing, otherwise you’re in danger of making it bigger than it is. I wish you well?

Could this all be due to the silly rules about who can visit whom and how many people can talk to you in your garden - as long as they don't come inside? Your granddaughter may have thought she wasn't alllowed to visit you or "socialise" with you unless you were in the same "bubble". Or she may have not known what to say after the recent loss of your husband. I assume she wouldn't have been able to attend the funeral because of Covid. Don't judge her too harshly.

One of my daughters rarely visits her grandmother though she is happy to visit her brother who only lives 20 minutes away.

She says visiting her brother is "easy" as he doesn't expect her to arrive at a particular time and has children so her little girl is entertained.

Grandmother however is looking forward to her visit so it becomes something of an "event" and much harder work. She loves her grandmother but finds it a bit stressful to be honest. Her garden is not child-proof and the extra distance to travel turns 30 mins into nearly an hour each way.

There are always reasons. Not necessarily that they don't care.

I think I'm hard work too by the way!!

Are you expecting a 22year old to see things through your eyes and your experience?

She cant understand what it’s like to lose a partner and feel lonely. Or how important family is at that time. She can’t empathise because it’s not within her experience.

She just wanted to visit her step-sister and have fun and I’m afraid you’ve come over as critical of that quite innocent action.

She may visit you now, but it will be a duty.

Oh dear. I do think you’ve made a mistake.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

Have you invited your granddaughter over to visit at all? It could be that she felt you weren’t excepting visitors. I’ve learned that if you want to see people you have to invite them. Nothing to do with them being selfish, and everything to do with making your wants and needs known.

Other people are not mind readers

I wonder how you knew she had visited.
It could be next time the will not tell you.

Sending you ?MaggsMcg, you have had such a tough time. I would feel just the same, but as so many have said, many young adults live in the moment without a lot of thought about others. Your daughter could maybe have supported you with regards to the “petty” comment and have gently explained to your granddaughter why you were rightly upset rather than upsetting you further by reporting back. Take care.

I’m sorry about your loss and your feelings of loneliness, but your WhatsApp comment sounds a bit sarcastic and your belief she “couldn’t be bothered” to visit you rather judgemental and will be taken as a criticism by her. You don’t know all the details/ reasons for the visit and I find it nice that she wants to spend time with her 5 year old step sister - presumably with the girls parents ( her dad?) there as well? Would you really expect a “duty visit” as well on the same day? Do you enjoy your granddaughters company ? If so, maybe suggest a family get together in the weeks to come. Have a bring a dish picnic or afternoon tea at yours. Maybe to celebrate your DHs life if you didn’t get the chance before, get out the photos, Try not to make visiting mum/ grandma a chore.

I’m still unclear about how you know about the visit to the sister? It seems to me a bit unhealthy for everyone in the family to know the movements of one another. I certainly don’t feel the need to let people know when I visit others, and I would be a bit annoyed to think that if I mentioned it in passing it would be passed on to a third party- particularly one in your situation who might be hurt.

I wonder about the person who told you. It may just have been ‘making conversation’, but at best it was thoughtless.

I agree young people of today seem to think it is only about them and do not consider the older generation. Families aren't what they were when we were young. It just does not occur to them.

People don't always think things through. I hope you see your granddaughter soon.

Perhaps, in the middle of the pandemic, your granddaughter didn't like to straight to you after seeing her stepsister. I understand this point of view.

I also understand why you feel hurt. It would have been kinder if your granddaughter had perhaps contacted you and said she'd visit you another day.

I think people are having a lot of difficult decisions to make with regard to how many people they should meet in quick succession.

I understand how you feel but I think that making it an issue is not likely to result in more visitors. As has been suggested, I would certainly check in with her and her explain that you would have loved to have seen her and were just disappointed. Maybe arrange to meet up somewhere when conditions allow? I am so sorry that you are having to face these days alone, maybe we are all struggling in different ways with the current situation? Hopefully things will get better as the year progresses.

I am sorry for your loss. Young people aren't always the most thoughtful sadly.

I am very sorry about the loss of your DH I hope you are looking after yourself. I think sometimes younger people just don’t think the same way as older people. Everything is in the moment and in a rush and they do things without thinking.
You should not worry about upsetting other people at this time. It’s natural to be sensitive but you will brighten up I am sure take care?

When my parents visited friends of theirs who lived nearby, they would never visit us as well, even though they virtually drove past the front door. When visiting us, they did not visit their friends. They just preferred to visit one group of people at a time and not be constrained by needing to get to us or their friends at a fixed tme later in the day.

I have come to the conclusion that young adults but not all don`t give a thought to things like that.
It tends to be all about what they want.
Don`t take it to heart MagsMcG.

MaggsMcG

My view is that you can't make someone care. You said nothing wrong.
My son and family came quite a distance to my town to a restaurant and didn't say hello even though I told them I was lonely last year.
My gd goes to university in her car close to me and never visits. I ince offered to take both GDs out to what was rheir favourite place at the time and they said in a very rude way You can't be seen out in Nandos with your granny. They taks their other gran shopping.

I told my son I felt hurt and he stopped speaking. Fine by me. If people don't care enough I wouldn't bother. Who wants someone to visit who doesn't really want to. Family aren't always close.

I don’t think that it’s because she couldn’t be bothered.
Maybe she was concerned that on her own she would have to handle your grief ? If she had been with her Mother or another family member she might have felt more comfortable.
She sounds very defensive saying that you were being petty, feeling guilty that she didn’t drop in to see you perhaps?
It’s sad though and I’m so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry you lost your husband Maggs I can understand how you felt when your granddaughter didn't visit. You must be feeling lonely and vulnerable with your recent bereavement and Covid restrictions as well. Younger people don't always realise how even small kindnesses make a big difference at this time.
Don't fret about it just let your granddaughter know you would be pleased to see her when she is in the area.

We aren't supposed to be seeing one another are we?

I know the guidelines are altered a lot and we can meet so many outdoors now but it has been raining the last few days and it is bitter cold. She might have thought she didn't want to add risk to you and she didn't want you sitting outside in the cold? I am paranoid about passing on covid to someone vulnerable and I think lots of other people are too, especially young people passing to older family members.

Hopefully the weather will cheer up soon and the vaccine will make a difference and things can get back to normal ish.

I understand you are grieving and feel pushed out and would love to see your grand daughter but I also agree you could have phrased it better.

I agree brazenp by telling her mum your GD was 'getting out there' what she thought, in a way that wouldn't upset you Maggs, as she wouldn't have expected her mum to tell you.

My sincere condolences on the very recent loss of your DH.

Perhaps your GD has been made aware of something she hadn't thought of before and hopefully the next time, she'll visit you too.

I am very sorry for your very recent loss.If you have seen a lot of each other in the past, is it possible that she felt having visited one family she wouldn't come to you on the same day in the present circumstances.

I am so sorry for your dh's loss

How was your relationship with the 22 year old gd before that visit?
Do you talk often on the phone, email, videochat?

I believe that just because she was in town, she may have had no time to visit. Maybe she was an in and out visit, maybe she had other obligations, etc.

I am afraid that if she comes back to town, she may not visit you. Would you want a forced and awkward visit?

It is not her responsibility to provide you company, despite the sad circumstances.