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My grandaughter visits her step sister not me we are in the same town

(32 Posts)
MaggsMcG Sat 10-Apr-21 11:35:04

My 22 year old granddaughter came to visit her step sister at the weekend in their garden, she lives in Bedford but the step sister (5 years old) lives in the same town as me, about 2 miles away. I lost my husband on 1st February and I really feel a bit upset by the fact that she couldn't even bother to pay me a visit. I should have ignored it I suppose but I didn't. I made a comment on a WhatsApp message about could she think of visiting me too next time. She was all nice about it buy then complained to her Mum (my daughter) that I was being petty. Was I? Maybe it was just because I felt that being on my own now they may have thought about me a bit more.

moggie57 Sat 10-Apr-21 11:38:50

why cant you visit her instead?or maybe all three of you can meet up?

LilyJ Sat 10-Apr-21 11:40:50

Why don’t you send a message straight away explaining that you are so missing the company and said it in the heat of the moment. It’s quite understandable that you felt the pain, and I am so sorry for your loss especially at this hard time.
The stress of these times however are showing in everyone and I have myself fallen foul of my family by a throw away’s been months and I am trying to mend it. Don’t let yours go another day ❤️

ElaineI Sat 10-Apr-21 11:42:30

It might have come across that way if you worded it like that. Better to say something like "I would love to see you. How about a coffee in the garden?" Without mentioning the step sister. It's lovely she sees her sister though. Sorry for your loss and I'm not surprised you feel a bit low and lonely. It is not very long since your husband died. Could you tell your daughter you are feeling sad and alone? flowers

silverlining48 Sat 10-Apr-21 11:44:32

It would have been kind of her to pop in to see you too, and I understand why you feel hurt, especially in your circumstances. It’s only been a short while since your husband died. Are you close to her?
Maybe you could have all met where the step sister lives?
Maybe her mother shouldn’t have reported this back to you.
I hope she gets in touch soon. I am sorry about your dh.

Doodledog Sat 10-Apr-21 11:46:45

Oh dear.

I'm sure that this is a situation many of us will recognise. You get the chance to see someone you haven't seen for ages, but you know that if you take it you will be castigated by others who live nearby, so you either fit them in too, making the visit into an expedition, or you put it off, so you don't get to see anyone.

I don't think you are being petty, and I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband, but I do think that commenting on your granddaughter's movements is rather controlling. How did you know she had visited the little girl? I would feel very uneasy if someone commented on what I was doing (particularly if they suggested that I should have been doing other things as well) and it might even make me block them from ways that they could see what I was up to. I think that at 22 I would have felt that even more strongly.

I also think that seeing it as her 'not bothering' to visit you is unfair. You don't know (I assume) what other calls she had on her time.

Maybe take a step back, and see it from her point of view? She might come to see you the next time she has a free afternoon - would you then want her to cut the visit short so that she could fit in a visit to her sister too?

brazenp75 Sat 10-Apr-21 11:53:58

I think it was unkind of your daughter to tell you. The suggestions above might help............

Hithere Sat 10-Apr-21 12:23:32

I am so sorry for your dh's loss

How was your relationship with the 22 year old gd before that visit?
Do you talk often on the phone, email, videochat?

I believe that just because she was in town, she may have had no time to visit. Maybe she was an in and out visit, maybe she had other obligations, etc.

I am afraid that if she comes back to town, she may not visit you. Would you want a forced and awkward visit?

It is not her responsibility to provide you company, despite the sad circumstances.

luluaugust Sat 10-Apr-21 13:39:39

I am very sorry for your very recent loss.If you have seen a lot of each other in the past, is it possible that she felt having visited one family she wouldn't come to you on the same day in the present circumstances.

Smileless2012 Sat 10-Apr-21 13:49:04

I agree brazenp by telling her mum your GD was 'getting out there' what she thought, in a way that wouldn't upset you Maggs, as she wouldn't have expected her mum to tell you.

My sincere condolences on the very recent loss of your DH.

Perhaps your GD has been made aware of something she hadn't thought of before and hopefully the next time, she'll visit you tooflowers.

JaneJudge Sat 10-Apr-21 13:49:40

We aren't supposed to be seeing one another are we?

I know the guidelines are altered a lot and we can meet so many outdoors now but it has been raining the last few days and it is bitter cold. She might have thought she didn't want to add risk to you and she didn't want you sitting outside in the cold? I am paranoid about passing on covid to someone vulnerable and I think lots of other people are too, especially young people passing to older family members.

Hopefully the weather will cheer up soon and the vaccine will make a difference and things can get back to normal ish.

I understand you are grieving and feel pushed out and would love to see your grand daughter but I also agree you could have phrased it better.

sodapop Sat 10-Apr-21 13:59:58

I'm sorry you lost your husband Maggs I can understand how you felt when your granddaughter didn't visit. You must be feeling lonely and vulnerable with your recent bereavement and Covid restrictions as well. Younger people don't always realise how even small kindnesses make a big difference at this time.
Don't fret about it just let your granddaughter know you would be pleased to see her when she is in the area.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 10-Apr-21 14:18:38

I don’t think that it’s because she couldn’t be bothered.
Maybe she was concerned that on her own she would have to handle your grief ? If she had been with her Mother or another family member she might have felt more comfortable.
She sounds very defensive saying that you were being petty, feeling guilty that she didn’t drop in to see you perhaps?
It’s sad though and I’m so sorry for your loss.

nadateturbe Sat 10-Apr-21 15:06:02


My view is that you can't make someone care. You said nothing wrong.
My son and family came quite a distance to my town to a restaurant and didn't say hello even though I told them I was lonely last year.
My gd goes to university in her car close to me and never visits. I ince offered to take both GDs out to what was rheir favourite place at the time and they said in a very rude way You can't be seen out in Nandos with your granny. They taks their other gran shopping.

I told my son I felt hurt and he stopped speaking. Fine by me. If people don't care enough I wouldn't bother. Who wants someone to visit who doesn't really want to. Family aren't always close.

timetogo2016 Sat 10-Apr-21 15:08:29

I have come to the conclusion that young adults but not all don`t give a thought to things like that.
It tends to be all about what they want.
Don`t take it to heart MagsMcG.

M0nica Sat 10-Apr-21 15:23:35

When my parents visited friends of theirs who lived nearby, they would never visit us as well, even though they virtually drove past the front door. When visiting us, they did not visit their friends. They just preferred to visit one group of people at a time and not be constrained by needing to get to us or their friends at a fixed tme later in the day.

Redhead56 Sat 10-Apr-21 16:29:46

I am very sorry about the loss of your DH I hope you are looking after yourself. I think sometimes younger people just don’t think the same way as older people. Everything is in the moment and in a rush and they do things without thinking.
You should not worry about upsetting other people at this time. It’s natural to be sensitive but you will brighten up I am sure take care?

mumofmadboys Sat 10-Apr-21 18:18:19

I am sorry for your loss. Young people aren't always the most thoughtful sadly.

Daisymae Sat 10-Apr-21 19:15:21

I understand how you feel but I think that making it an issue is not likely to result in more visitors. As has been suggested, I would certainly check in with her and her explain that you would have loved to have seen her and were just disappointed. Maybe arrange to meet up somewhere when conditions allow? I am so sorry that you are having to face these days alone, maybe we are all struggling in different ways with the current situation? Hopefully things will get better as the year progresses.

Tangerine Sat 10-Apr-21 21:37:18

Perhaps, in the middle of the pandemic, your granddaughter didn't like to straight to you after seeing her stepsister. I understand this point of view.

I also understand why you feel hurt. It would have been kinder if your granddaughter had perhaps contacted you and said she'd visit you another day.

I think people are having a lot of difficult decisions to make with regard to how many people they should meet in quick succession.

Tangerine Sat 10-Apr-21 21:38:02

People don't always think things through. I hope you see your granddaughter soon.

maggie49 Sun 11-Apr-21 01:55:43

I agree young people of today seem to think it is only about them and do not consider the older generation. Families aren't what they were when we were young. It just does not occur to them.

Doodledog Sun 11-Apr-21 02:13:46

I’m still unclear about how you know about the visit to the sister? It seems to me a bit unhealthy for everyone in the family to know the movements of one another. I certainly don’t feel the need to let people know when I visit others, and I would be a bit annoyed to think that if I mentioned it in passing it would be passed on to a third party- particularly one in your situation who might be hurt.

I wonder about the person who told you. It may just have been ‘making conversation’, but at best it was thoughtless.

vegansrock Sun 11-Apr-21 06:19:53

I’m sorry about your loss and your feelings of loneliness, but your WhatsApp comment sounds a bit sarcastic and your belief she “couldn’t be bothered” to visit you rather judgemental and will be taken as a criticism by her. You don’t know all the details/ reasons for the visit and I find it nice that she wants to spend time with her 5 year old step sister - presumably with the girls parents ( her dad?) there as well? Would you really expect a “duty visit” as well on the same day? Do you enjoy your granddaughters company ? If so, maybe suggest a family get together in the weeks to come. Have a bring a dish picnic or afternoon tea at yours. Maybe to celebrate your DHs life if you didn’t get the chance before, get out the photos, Try not to make visiting mum/ grandma a chore.

Liljan Sun 11-Apr-21 07:09:18

Sending you ?MaggsMcg, you have had such a tough time. I would feel just the same, but as so many have said, many young adults live in the moment without a lot of thought about others. Your daughter could maybe have supported you with regards to the “petty” comment and have gently explained to your granddaughter why you were rightly upset rather than upsetting you further by reporting back. Take care.