to think that my DIL uses too many cleaning products?

If my not so DML had told me or given me cleaning products I would have told her to stick them somewhere painfully where the sun does not shine.
We all have our ways. You stand to alienate her.
When I was young I used to red Cardinal the step before she came and the chap next door remarked "Kit inspection again". It really made me think especially as her favourite trick was to stand on tiptoes and take her hand along the top of my doors. I stopped bothering told my husband and next time at her house when there was an accumulation of dust in the bedrooms he wrote I love you in it on the dressing table. She never did anything again on a visit.
Each to their own.

I’m with you on this, flopen. All those chemicals are worse for all of us, and especially for little lungs, than a bit of dirt. There’s enough pollution in the air (witness the little London girl who died recently) without us adding to it. Give me vinegar any time - easily available online in five-litre containers.
But the real problem is how, or even if, to say it. I don’t know how...

you could ask what she uses and say has she tried "xxx" ? or buy her a gentle product and say you really like she is looking after the whole family but you have read somewhere that this new product may make her life easier.

Sadly this really is none of your business. I can see that you are worried about your grandson. Unless you want to invest in a hamper of eco friendly luxury cleaning products for her as she so clearly likes cleaning (or is she just trying to impress you?) which you could present as a special treat. Having said that I would not have wanted my MIL to have given me anything like that . But then cleaning was not something I particularly relished as a young mum and I just did it because I had to.

Oh dear, sticking the knife into the in law. It's nothing to do with you.

flopen you are right to worry. It has been proved that cleaning products and air fresheners contain substances which are harmful to lungs. It is not just outside air pollution, which causes a vast increase in poor lung health.
You can't rely on tory governments to take actions, like banning harmful additives, they are always more concerned about protecting their wealthy mates' finances than the health of ordinary citizens.

I think some aerosol products can damage the atmosphere. Could you discuss this with your daughter in a non-challenging way? Such as a general talk about how important climate change has become and then gradually add in some things about sprays etc?

Does she often clean when you visit? If so, I wonder if she's doing this because she feels anxious about you entering their home during a pandemic, and this is her way of trying to cope with it.
I know that you will probably have been vaccinated, but she won't have been, and neither will the baby, and there is some question about whether vaccinated people can still transmit the virus.
If that's the case, then I'm sure she'd feel a lot more relaxed going for a walk round the park with you, rather than meeting indoors.

Jaxjacky

I too would say nothing, babies have survived far worse over the generations; cigarette smoke, coal fires etc.

However, there is now a lot of information of how life long, even life threatening allergies, are caused by obsessive cleaning and sanitizing. So a difficult situation to watch.

I am among the concerned, and do not think that you are being unreasonable. I also think that you have come to the right place for opinions. If all these products are affecting you, they are surely affecting the child - who cannot speak as you can. My humble suggestion would be that when you next visit you do as has been suggested but a bit more. Sniff, sneeze, cough in an exaggerated way and without being unpleasant say, 'goodness, I think all these products are affecting me - do you think they are OK for the baby? This concerns me a little {insert name]'. And maybe if she doesn't take the bait on this ask on NHS or other sites about the contents of these products and effects on babies. She is probably doing it with the best of intentions to ensure that her child, your grandchild, is well - especially in these Covid times. But there are ways of doing it without fumes. And moving baby to another room after cleaning and then opening windows to defumigate might be a good idea. You could mention something like 'can I just go outside for a while to get the fumes out of my eyes' or similar. If she doesn't catch, and since you get on with her, can you not be more direct, or perhaps speak with your son?
I hope this works out for you and, I must say, baby too. x

Manufacturers and the advertising industry have used Covid to catch the unwary. If soap and water is sufficient to cleanse your hands, why on earth do you need a special anti-viral product to clean your doorknobs? Think about the claims and acknowledge their absurdity before you go and spend unnecessarily high prices for substances that are no more effective than good old soap and water - or, as I suggested up-thread - vinegar.

I think the best advice would be to provide all this amazing cleaning advice to the son. I am sure he would be interested.

I understand fully why you are concerned.

It does not seem to me to be wise to use strong smelling chemical products in a home with a small child.

Nor, as far as I know, should any of us be using spray products if we value the environment.

Whether you can say anything to your DIL depends entirely on what kind of relationship you have with her.

I would ease into the matter, by asking her if you might check the ingredients in the products she was using the last time you were there, as some of them seem to have given you hay fever.

This way, you are not criticising her cleaning methods, but seeking enlightenment, so you don't go and buy something you cannot use.

That you wouldn't either buy or use it is beside the point. I am trying to suggest a way of opening a discussion without offending her.

You may be surprised and she replies, "Oh, do you think it might be harmful?" in which case you can say it worries you a little.

Coming right out and saying you feel it might harm the child, will do no good at all, only cause offence.

My step-daughter insists on using anti - lice shampoo on her son every day before sending him to kindergarten because she is so shocked that some children have head lice. Her son has never had as much as one louse, and I did say I found it unwise to use a product that is not needed, as doing so might cause allergies, or simply cause the product not to work when or if it was ever needed.

She has chosen not to heed my advice, which is what I expected anyway.

Perhaps your DiL feels she needs to prove how good she is at managing her time, coping with a baby and all the cleaning that goes alongside. Perhaps she only cleans to this n-th degree when she knows you're coming?

Say nothing! I used to get really angry at comments of this nature from my late MIL although hers were the other way round! I used Ecover products and was told roundly that they probably weren't cleaning properly.

Yes as an asthmatic I would have to walk straight out if scented products used and that covers perfume and candles as well as cleaning products.... but not all. It is probably the spray bottle that is main culprit and a simpler product or even a damp cloth might be just as good.

I completely agree with you. Not only because of the harmful effect on the environment of these cleaning products when they contaminate our water supplies, but breathing them in is harmful for us too. I was never affected when younger but now I can't breathe and my eyes hurt if someone is using strong cleaning products near me. Perhaps some of these replies are are from people who haven't been affected yet either.
I think I'd have to mention something but try doing it another way. When she comes to your house have some new environmental cleaning product (Ecover, Sonnett etc) - but not one you usually use - and during the visit mention to her 'I'm thinking of changing to this range, after I've seen all those programmes about destroying the environment, I'm trying do my bit. And I'm noticing I'm getting sensitive to the others. Do you think it would be suitable for [DGC], I don't want to get anything which might upset him?' Granted, she'll probably see through it, but it shouldn't upset her and might at least make her think.
There is nothing that strong chemicals do that eco cleaners don't do just as well, I've been using them for about 10 years now, since the first 'wheezy chest' incident and they are brilliant. And Covid research proved that soap and water is the best deterrent. Chemical companies, of course, would like us to believe differently.

Everyone I know is following Mrs hinch on Instagram and she’s got great ideas for cleaning the downfall is the products she uses lots of them too many for my like. She just sponsored so maybe that is why she uses so many. She has many followers.

Yes I think some people are genuinely sensitive to the chemicals in sprays and some aren’t - in their dna like sprouts are bitter or sweet. I’m not at all hyper-clean or fussy but my mother used to spray Elnet on her hair in my bathroom and it really caught the back of my throat. Luckily she was my mother (unlucky for her), when I complained loudly. No I wouldn’t dare openly criticise Dil. Just face it other people are irritating... as for your grandchild’s health forget it.. I think mine live on cheese straws and crisps.. happy as can be. My dil has food issues so son caters for them mostly and he has just said (on phone) ‘the kids want sandwiches for lunch so that’s good’. I’d be mad to comment you just have to trust them.

I have restricted lung capacity and definitely do notice when strong cleaning products are used - I hate spray products for this reason and wouldn’t dream of spraying chemicals in in unventilated space, especially where there are young children. After all, it was eventually understood that children breathe in, and are adversely affected by, cigarette smoke. Why would airborne chemicals be any different?
Of course the poster is concerned about the baby!
Maybe try to start a conversation about eco products? I’d talk about my own health (not mentioning the baby) and how I had less wheezing etc when I stopped spraying. Hopefully, she’ll make the connection herself.
There is a lot of research about the serious pollution within our own homes - bleaches, sprays, chemically infused candles the list is endless and concerning.

Shandy57

My late husband had COPD, I couldn't use any kind of spray at all, and had to be careful of anything that could irritate his lungs - smelly candles especially.

I’ve made exactly the same point. Bleach especially is a terrible irritant.

BlueBelle

Good grief why do mother in laws look for trouble It’s really not your business if she stands on her head and does the soft shoe shuffle while cleaning her house
You cannot live her life, your way it just isn’t the way to go She’s got her way you’ve got yours

This should be the answer to all "my DiL doesn't live her life as I want her to" AIBU questions.

flopen

fair enough. Obviously I'm the only person concerned about the effects of chemicals on a baby's neurological system. How awful of me to be concerned about their health.

I’m with you flopen but agree that you have to tread VERY carefully so as not to alienate your DIL. I think you, like me has swapped to natural cleaning products so perhaps you could say you decided to try them after all the discussions about the environment and found how much better you feel in your own health too.

Whilst some cleaning products are deemed to be natural the production methods can be anything but apparently. One of the most popular brands has been called into question recently. Say nothing,

I think it would be most unwise to say anything about the health of the baby per se. I do think you can ask for some ventilation if it is catching the back of your throat which might highlight the issue. You could even make a lighthearted comment about the baby having lungs of steel if your DIL has a sense of humour but I think any suggestion of criticism could backfire. You could also research any articles about the affects of household products with babies/people and ask your DIL if she would like to see it if you find one but not when cleaning is taking place. More often than not, it is the way these issues are spoken about rather than the issue itself. Young mums are understandably protective of their motherhood abilities.