Gransnet forums

AIBU

Visitors waiting in line!

(74 Posts)
Newatthis Mon 26-Apr-21 11:49:56

I live in a very nice part of the world, I am very lucky. I moved oveseas just before Christmas after a very stressful house move which rendered us homeless for a few weeks in the UK during lockdown/post lockdown, but we managed to find in a hotel during this time. None of my friends/family offered assistance during this time, some didn't even call to ask how the house move was going nor have they been in touch since. Now as lockdown is easing many are now making contact and hinting about looking forward to coming and stay with us for a holiday. I really don't want then to come and stay as I feel that I am being used just for 'a cheap holiday'. I am not sure how I can refuse politely.

Grandmabatty Mon 26-Apr-21 12:00:15

A couple of things jump out. Did you ask for help as some people aren't great at pre-empting but will gladly help when asked to do something specific? Secondly, you are under no obligation to host family or friends in your house. In fact covid rules still work in your favour here.

Newatthis Mon 26-Apr-21 12:06:37

I did ask for help and understandably people couldn't because of COVID but then when things eased off I didn't receive any calls to see how things were nor was I offered accommodation. I have always offered help, called people regularly to see how they are and generally make the effort to keep in touch. I feel a little let down I think but not willing to offer my home for holidays.

Beechnut Mon 26-Apr-21 12:10:40

If they use the word holiday tell them you didn’t buy a home with holiday let accommodation and perhaps mention a few places nearby that do.

Someone I know once said “You have a lot of friends if you have a holiday home”.

sodapop Mon 26-Apr-21 12:11:02

We had a similar problem when we moved to France Newatthis people wanting to visit for a long weekend or 'just passing through for a couple of days'. We told the hangers on we would be charging B&B rates obviously not family or real friends.
Some people think it's OK to invite themselvesI think it's plain rude.

Hithere Mon 26-Apr-21 12:12:57

"No sorry, it doesnt work for us"

Chestnut Mon 26-Apr-21 12:14:52

You don't mention how many are hinting but it sounds like quite a few. As long as it's just hinting then you're okay, just ignore it, but no-one should actually invite themselves to stay with you. If anyone is cheeky enough to do so then find out when they want to come and make an excuse. You have some old friends (or new friends) staying that week, or you won't be there, you're decorating, hospital appointments, whatever makes it impossible for them to stay. But what about staying with them? If you should ever want to stay with them then you may need to re-think this, as of course visits may be a two-way thing.

Ellianne Mon 26-Apr-21 12:16:30

I am inviting all and sundry to come and stay this summer. It's the least I can do for friends and family who have been stuck in the cities.
Maybe at the time the people who could have helped you out were taken up with their own covid concerns. I would give them the benefit of the doubt and forget it. You might find you can have a great time together if they are allowed to travel to you.

Fleur20 Mon 26-Apr-21 12:22:07

Any mention of coming on holiday.... you say thats great.. I have a list of accommidation right here.. do you have a pen handy.. or I can send you the links..
All innocent. And fo not budge from that attitude... they will get the hint.
Thst way you will find out the users!!

midgey Mon 26-Apr-21 12:27:49

Fleur is spot on!

Blossoming Mon 26-Apr-21 12:31:25

You don’t need to offer any excuses. Just say no.

Daisend1 Mon 26-Apr-21 12:41:43

It is not as if they are going to jump on the next bus leaving so NO you will let them know as you are still ' settling in.

Nell8 Mon 26-Apr-21 12:48:15

I think you need to start as you intend to continue. Say 'yes' to one hopeful and you'll never have the place to yourself! Maybe you could send round a chatty e-mail, that doesn't single anyone out, saying something like "Just to let you all know we're settling in well. If you're down this way we'd love to show you round some of the haunts we've discovered. If you fancy an overnight stay I'm sure you'd love the Pig and Whistle (link attached)."
Get in there quick and don't weaken!! smile

nanna8 Mon 26-Apr-21 12:48:53

Mostly we only have family and extended family staying. Friends come for a meal but that’s it. Fair suck of the sauce bottle as they say here.

Redhead56 Mon 26-Apr-21 12:57:27

When we bought a cottage in Wales we had lots of hints from family. My DH and I just ignored the hints because we rarely see our family much so should why give them a free holiday.
If you don’t want to upset people just say you have jobs to do and no time to entertain.

Hithere Mon 26-Apr-21 13:07:40

I used Fleur20's technique so many times with so much success!
My parents were fuming I was so rude lol

Relatives whom I haven't see or talked on years claim to die to see me out of the blue.

When I pointed out this or that hotel because what they wanted to visit was 3-4 hours away from me, they no longer wanted to see me and went back dark again for years.

Jaxjacky Mon 26-Apr-21 13:23:42

Fleur20 has the right approach, do it and stick to it. It’ll come easier after the first time.

foxie48 Mon 26-Apr-21 14:13:42

Just say no. When we had our holiday cottage I invited people I wanted to visit and anyone else I just turned down politely without an excuse. TBH if I didn't want them staying with me I didn't want them staying near me either. Actually I'm quite a gregarious hospital person but I like to choose my company.

ExD Mon 26-Apr-21 14:14:00

Several people have suggested the "let me recommend some nice places to stay" method. We live in a beautiful holiday area of the UK and only once, when we were young newly weds, did we actually have a couple come and stay.
We stupidly gave up our room as we hadn't finished furnishing the house, and slept in a single bed in the spare room. The couple who stayed were considerably older and knew what they were doing, ate a breakfast c/o me and went off sight seeing. I really couldn't afford to feed them (those were the days when we bought second ha n d furniture)
How green we were!

grannylyn65 Mon 26-Apr-21 14:20:24

Am outraged on your behalf 😡

kjmpde Mon 26-Apr-21 14:23:14

Ellianne is kind in offering her friends and relatives BUT if you do it once you will never ever stop people from taking advantage. If you are happy with that then fine but I would not be. I would (as others have already suggested) get a list of nearby places and when people contact you - there is already a list that can be given over the phone or by email.

Grammaretto Mon 26-Apr-21 14:26:42

I don't know where you live but can I come! grin.
We used to live quite handy for the channel ports in the days when everyone used the ferry. They probably did invite us to theirs but we didn't fancy a holiday in Leeds or Cumbernauld back then.
We did our share of landing on people, usually family, so what goes around comes around.
If you don't want to be inundated, tell them there's a waiting list.

Oldwoman70 Mon 26-Apr-21 14:50:57

As others have suggested, when someone asks tell them you can recommend a local hotel/B&B. Visiting can create problems.

I recall when a friend moved to Spain she telephoned and said she was feeling lonely and would I like to go and stay with her for a week. Whilst there I would wash up after every meal, do my share of tidying the house and would pay when we went out for a drink or a meal.

A couple of years later she asked if she could come and stay as she was looking for a place to buy in UK. Of course, I said yes. A week before she was due to arrive she announced she would be bringing her new man with her, whilst here she never lifted a finger, never washed a plate, would sit watching TV while I prepared and cooked meals and when I walked past their bedroom the room was a shambles (no I didn't make the bed for them!).

On their last day they offered to take me out for dinner - we arrived, a pub not a nice restaurant, she took one look at the menu, declared she wasn't paying those prices and we ended up with fish and chips which we ate at home, with me washing up after (and supplying the wine). I have never invited her back!

ClareAB Mon 26-Apr-21 15:10:04

I have found the best way to put people off is to say you are starting renovations. Go on to say how great it would be to see them, and send them a list of local cottage rentals, B & Bs, hotels.
You'll soon know how many are actually coming to see you.

Tizliz Mon 26-Apr-21 15:24:12

We had moved here, north Scotland quite a few years ago and visitors come and go, but 2018 we had 9 lots of visitors. I said to everyone that I was having a year off, no visitors at all. So due to COVID have seen no-one for 2 ½ years! It is difficult to get the balance right. Varies from Sister who will cook every day and ‘friends’ who treat it as a B&B.

My mother tells of the day they arrived at my paternal grandparents to find a sign on the gate ‘B&B closed’