Grand daughter's behaviour

She needs lots of love but needs to appreciate it is not unconditional and respect for peoples feelings is a two-way thing.

You want a small upset child to learn that love is conditional on her behaviour?!

What madness is this?

Sorry about the poor sentence constructions as I didn’t bother to read it through.

No don’t take it personally. Her mum has started work and she is expressing that she wants her mum to take her to nursery. I remember something like that happening when a gs was usually been met by me and taken home where he was happy and often didn’t want to go home when his mum arrived to take him home. However, one day he said he didn’t want to come home with me and made such a fuss as other mums were looking at me and I felt awful. What I did t know was that he knew his dad was at home that day. I used to encounter occasionally same type of thing when I had a class of nursery/reception children. Usually the result that he wanted to be home as they knew granny was coming that day but they don’t express it as such just that they don’t want to go to school. In fact on a course I attended we were warned not to be upset if that happened and in fact expect it to happen.

The little girl is not being deliberately hurtful, she is just trying to cope with a lot of change in her life

You are asking the parents to teach the child to put her feelings last in order to fit the unrealistic expectations of an adult

Exactly. A 3 year old dealing with a lot of change in her life needs that allowed for and carefully thought through strategies to help her learn from the experience, ready for dealing with future changes as she grows up. Its really not about the adults

It is upsetting. After the first lockdown my grandson kept pushing me away. I put in the time with him; being patient and kind. Giving him space and counting out coloured smarties to capture his attention. More by way of colour and number recognition than chocolate bribe! It's taken time (and several tubes of smarties) but he seems pretty keen on me now and even favours me over Mummy or Daddy on days when the wind changes direction!

Deedee

A 3 year old is not a baby - almost outside the "toddler" definition, she is a child.

You are asking the parents to teach the child to put her feelings last in order to fit the unrealistic expectations of an adult.

It is the adult who has to understand the child's development milestones.

DeeDe I think you are mistaken.
The little girl is not being deliberately hurtful, she is just trying to cope with a lot of change in her life.

I know she’s only a baby, but surly her parents should tell her to be kind if she’s old enough to be hurtful she’s old enough to be corrected,..
I would have never let my little ones talk like that to my parents
.. she must learn and the sooner the better..

I agree with lady stardust here. Your little granddaughter has had a lit to deal with, her little world had been turned upside down and she can't handle it, I can relate to that, as my mum told me recently, that when we moved house I was 4 years old and had also just started school, apparently I stopped eating for quite a while, and I refused to eat school dinners. The dinner ladies informed my mum that they were quite concerned, as I cried every time I was given school dinner and refused to eat any of it. I eventually settled but I can imagine the concern for my parents. It was non judgemental kindness that got me through it, any discipline would have made me worse, so please bare with your little granddaughter, she's doesn't understand the turmoil she's been thrown into, nor can she process it as an adult can. When my grandchildren seem distressed about something, I tell them it's ok, and explain in a way they understand, and just be there to allow them to air their feelings with no judgement. It's not about you. They need patience and kindness.

Absolutely agree with all that has been said. I have 6 grandchildren so - been there, done that, got the T shirt! It will pass. Just children adjusting to change. Smile, be happy , love her whatever and all will be well.

I had the same with my 3 year old granddaughter. She's 17 now, I'm 71, she lives with me and drives me up the wall. Tantrums, money obsessed, boyfriend problems etc etc.

One of my GDs really used to be very difficult when I looked after her while her mum was at work. I found it hard to cope with until I realised how manipulative she could be. She wanted her mum to stay with her instead of me and in her little mind she thought she could drive me away by her behaviour. It didn’t last long. She’s nearly 7 now and we have a close relationship. She’s still manipulative at times but knows it won’t work with me. Just hang on in there. Nothing stays the same for ever.

in that situation, i'd keep up a running commentary on what's happening. "i've come to take you to nursery. we're getting into the car to go to nursery. you'll see your lovely new friends when we get there. i wonder what you'll do today? do you think you'll paint a picture? might you sing a song? we could sing a song now. the wheels on the car go round and round . . . oh look, here we are. have a lovely day. i'll see you soon. i love you."

Nice!

i'd say, not only don't take it personally, but take it as the compliment it is. you are the one constant in a life that seems to be sliding away from under her (obviously my guess). but you're also the one person she can trust to have her tantrum with. she can trust you to not disappear, or whatever it is she sees the other once-constants not now doing.
in that situation, i'd keep up a running commentary on what's happening. "i've come to take you to nursery. we're getting into the car to go to nursery. you'll see your lovely new friends when we get there. i wonder what you'll do today? do you think you'll paint a picture? might you sing a song? we could sing a song now. the wheels on the car go round and round . . . oh look, here we are. have a lovely day. i'll see you soon. i love you."
reassurance and explanation.
and time
and love

I agree. The little one has had a lot to deal with. Additionally, they start to become aware. Which all that can be frightening. You are to validate her feelings, understand her distresses and stay congruent to your usual behaviour. I would not talk about it but simple validate, offer comfort, offer distraction of what you are planning (give her choices so she feels she has control over her life a bit) and it will pass. Do not make a deal about it. Do not raise any concern about it. I assure you this is absolutely normal behavoir for this age group.

We were in a childcare bubble for 3 year DG and had her 2 days a week. When her parents moved house she changed nursery as well. Suddenly she didn’t want to know us and wouldn’t leave the house with us or want to visit. Fortunately D was working from home so our childcare was not essential.
We discussed an elaborate plan to ease her back gently but before we could implement it DG announced to her parents I want to go to grandma’s house. She arrived and was just like her old self. Have patience the phase will pass when she settles into her new home and nursery.

This 3 year old has had huge changes in her little life recently :

Moving house
Mum back at work
New nursery

All life changing events for a three year old. It will have impacted on her sense of security. You have looked after her since she was 1 year old and she may associate you presence with mum and dad leaving her (which up until now, with everything else in her little world as she thinks it should be, will not have bothered her) ) and certainly she will equate the nursery with being left!

Crying but then being ok once in the nursery is not manipulative in a 3 year old, it is the solidity of the situation they are in at any given moment! So ...on the journey, you being there as well (not sure why you are?) uppermost in her mind is being left. In the nursery, she sees things she wants to play with etc, brings to mind that it was ok previously ...being left is no longer at the forefront of the mind, the fun memories are!

I would suggest:

*Don't go with her and dad to drop her at nursery
*See her at weekends a few times with her parents and have some fun new little things to do. Get them out and start playing, let her come to you, create new associations for her. *Her parents can be in and out of room for gradually longer periods over a few weeks.
*Look after at her house a few times, with Mum and Dad maybe out for an hour or whatever.

Don't try too hard, just be around and do things that will attract her. Avoid asking her lots of questions about her behaviour. Maybe find out some songs/books/toys they have at nursery, buy some, get them out of your bag/start singing or start playing with them. Wait for her to tell you she has those at nursery,

All of this will build her confidence and security up again.

Good luck

She is just using you as a whipping boy because instinctively she knows you will always come back fir more. Don’t take it personally as it will pass.

I am so glad I don't have GC. It sounds an awful time. At the age of 5 I was kidnapped by my birth father and my mum and new partner came to rescue me after a few days. Traumatic? Yes, but I somehow got over it. No tantrums or screaming and crying. Does it still affecr me? Er, no.

I agree with readymeals. I think a lot of posters on here are seeing it in a very different way.
In a class of 30 + you see the full spectrum and soon realise that some children become very manipulative and astute a cycle they find very difficult to break..
Your granddaughter has got you and her daddy as a sitting audience. She is displaying a pattern of behaviour she does not know how to stop.
Does she stop crying when she gets to the nursery, if she does ask her why she stops then? Has she got a favourite career that she talks about? Maybe you could talk to the nursery and that career could great her after just her daddy has taken her there.
If there is no screaming give it a few weeks and you take her yourself and see what she does. If she screams start singing one of her favourite songs and see if she eventually joins in. If so you could agree each day to the next day's songs.
She needs to appreciate she is loved and will be picked up but cannot control the adults in her life.

Try to stay confident in your handling of her. I remember when my mother had to leave me for a few hours with a childminder I had not previously met - I guess it must have been an emergency situation. I was passed to the minder and my mother started leaving and I remember screaming and screaming. But oddly I felt safe in this woman's experienced arms and wondered why this awful noise was coming out of my mouth! Also, I think children can sometimes play up on your feelings, they're more astute than we think, and are not old enough to have developed empathy and care about how they're making you feel.

has become very fickle with me.

Three year olds are fickle nanou

The 'thunderous threes' can be worse than the 'terrible twos' and she is just trying to manage her emotions, not always successfully.
She's not deliberately hurting you, she may be expressing her distress at going to nursery, being taken from home where she may have been playing with a favourite toy, may have been rushed to get there on time and Mummy or Daddy are leaving her.

Anger and frustration is directed at you because you are the only adult there.

Stay calm, don't take it personally and she will go through it.

Does she go to nursery when you’re not there? How often does she go? Does she associate going to nursery with seeing you?

That’s a lot of change, you couldn’t get more massive changes than this so no wonder she’s rebelling. I don’t know if she was at home with mum before the move, but her relaxed days have suddenly changed to being in a much noisier, busier, routine-led environment which is radically different from the life she had before. How often is she there?

New house. No Mummy. Busy, noisy nursery - and here’s the big bad wolf come to take her there! No wonder she’s lashing out.

Rosearch
I’ve never forgotten it and feel I’m not so close to her as I am her brother even though she’s 16 now her brother is 18 I have no idea why she did this my daughter was shocked & upset when she asked her why she said she wanted Nanny not Grandma

Really you are holding onto something your that Dgd did 13 years ago!!! when she was 3 years old. She's probably wondering what she's done to stop her grandma fully loving her, cos she will know even if she hasn't said anything.

Happened to my. Hurtful at the time but it will soon pass.