Gransnet forums


To ask for honesty and no judging?

(35 Posts)
Trigu Fri 30-Apr-21 14:13:58

I chose AIBU because it's busy here.

I'm asking for honesty even if people wish to change names to hide Identity.

We all know there are family members who are dishonest, greedy, selfish and who rip off their family members when it comes to inheritance. There are family member who lie about others and manipulate people so they can get what they want.

We always hear from the victims of those family members but we never hear it from the point of view of the person who knowingly caused all that damage for money or attention or because they were jealous.

What I am asking is did anybody here behave in that way years ago when they were younger and how is their life today. Do they regret it? Are they lonely? Are they sorry? Or are they happy with their choices? Do they feel it's the only way to get ahead in life? would they do it all again?

I don't want people to judge I just want to understand WHY this happens and how it pans out in the future as so many families are effected by this issue and so many people site this kind of behaviour as the cause of estrangement.

We need to hear honestly from all sides.

I hope there are some willing to share.

FannyCornforth Fri 30-Apr-21 14:17:02

I really can't imagine anyone is going to out themselves as a selfish, greedy, conniving b*****d on here Trigu!

Urmstongran Fri 30-Apr-21 14:17:12

Fortunately I really don’t have any experience of what you describe. I’m not being smug. Just truthful.

However my dear mum used to say ‘where there’s a Will there’s a relative’. She made me laugh but then most sayings like that contain a kernel of truth.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 30-Apr-21 14:18:42

I’ve never been in that position with anyone in my family, possibly because there was never anything much to inherit.

I doubt that anyone would admit to it and if they did they would have umpteen excuses as to why they did it, so it wasn’t their fault/problem anyway.

FannyCornforth Fri 30-Apr-21 14:21:06

My father's brother is the aforementioned selfish, greedy, conniving b*****d in my family.
He didn't even wait until his parents were dead to steal their money.
He also ripped off dozens of people including my father for hundreds of thousands of pounds.
How he isn't in jail is a mystery.
He is a psychopath.

Trigu Fri 30-Apr-21 14:34:00

I just feel there must be people who have done that who might say "I was young, I regret it now I'm older" or "I did it because my sibling was only going to do it to me"

Or something. We all change as we get older and look back at what we have done.

GillT57 Fri 30-Apr-21 14:54:45

Why do you want to know? Are you writing an article, or just curious? I would be very surprised if anyone who is selfish enough to rip off a family member would suddenly develop a conscience! It's a no from me.

FannyCornforth Fri 30-Apr-21 14:55:58

And AIBU isn't busier than any other sub forum on GN

Trigu Fri 30-Apr-21 14:59:14

I am just really curious and Like to understand things fully. I don't think you can understand unless you hear all sides of the experience not to judge or agree or disagree but just to hear it.

I'm inclined to believe that when a person who has deliberately behaved like that gets to a certain stage of looking back, they would think about if it was worth it or not. That's what I'm curious about really.

FannyCornforth Fri 30-Apr-21 15:02:07

I don't agree. Once a selfish greedy etc always a selfish greedy etc.

Redhead56 Fri 30-Apr-21 15:15:35

You are describing people from every walk of life members of anyone’s family. Members of my family were trying to get their hands on my mums money before she had even passed away. Also they tucked into her money when she was very ill and in hospital.
I do not believe that anyone who behaves in this way will ever regret what they have done.

FannyCornforth Fri 30-Apr-21 15:18:06

Redhead that happened to my MIL aswell. And people were claiming Carers Allowance for non existing caring.

Blossoming Fri 30-Apr-21 15:44:17

No money or inheritance to worry about ?

AGAA4 Fri 30-Apr-21 15:45:52

People will always justify what they have done. When my grandmother died her sister, who lived with her, took everything before my mum had a chance to go to the house.

Mum wasn't bothered about furniture but she took my Grandma's jewellery and other private possessions and went to live with her daughter and pretended she didn't know where it was.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Fri 30-Apr-21 15:46:23

I think the guilty ones will never acknowledge their actions. I know a family member who has behaved fairly badly as I'm sure he believed that what he inveigled his way into getting was rightfully his anyway. An entitled, self-centred and 'superior' type.
Another who caused estrangement was very outspoken and downright cruel. He was so thick-skinned he didn't understand why most of his children wanted very little to do with him. He thought they were in the wrong. The latter caused much unhappiness - two of his children had breakdowns. A psychiatrist would have had a field day with both these families.

Shandy57 Fri 30-Apr-21 15:51:18

Not quite the same, but my husband and I stopped being friends with a couple after they told us this story.

The wife had a friend who had moved to the south, but wanted to come back to the area. She travelled up and viewed a house, and told the wife it was full of original antiques, she loved it, and had offered.

The wife somehow persuaded the EA that her friend had asked her to organise a house clearance company, and she and her husband cleared the house of all the antiques. They had some of them hidden in their bedroom wardrobe when we went round.

My husband and I were horrified at her deception and never ever told anyone, I suppose it's about thirty five years ago now.

The wife is still friends with this woman, who never knew what she did to her. Theft, in my eyes.

Jaxjacky Fri 30-Apr-21 15:51:47

None here as far as I know, just been, still am as it’s dragging on, a joint executor for my Mum’s will, ten beneficiaries in the family, all conducted properly through probate via a solicitor.

M0nica Fri 30-Apr-21 17:02:59

I suspect that the majority of people who behave like this wouldn't recognise themselves as being covered by this thread because they do not see their behaviour as being anything other than what any ordinary person would do given the opportunity, or else they would see themselves as the aggrieved party, getting even with someone for some perceived offence, which entirely justified their behaviour.

Hithere Fri 30-Apr-21 17:19:14

I think that the other side would justify their position and even think they are in the right

agnurse Fri 30-Apr-21 17:27:37

In addition, depending on the cause for the behaviour (e.g. underlying personality disorder), insight may be very poor. The person may feel they're entitled to behave the way they do and see nothing wrong with it - to them, it's just the way they are.

My FIL, who has narcissistic traits, behaves this way.

M0nica Fri 30-Apr-21 22:55:26

agnurse I think the number of people who can use personalities disorders as the explanation for this type of behaviour, are few and far between.

Some people do not need excuses to be greedy, acquisitive or dishonest.

BlueBelle Fri 30-Apr-21 23:05:34

Never had any problems like this in our family or even extended family thankfully
(never much to inherit) we probably live simply compared to many

I m sorry but I really wonder what the reasoning is behind this question Trigu it can’t just be curiosity surely

Ro60 Fri 30-Apr-21 23:25:17

Can't help either.
'It's not my money' has always been my stance.

Lilypops Sat 01-May-21 08:14:51

During my life I was promised many times money, possessions of a dead relative would be mine, and that I would be informed when and where I could collect these items, mainly something from the house of the deceased that I liked , I waited to be told by the relation who was clearing the house, it never happened , other relations stepped in like vultures and took everything, I never did make a claim or a fuss ,it would have seemed as though I was as bad as the others, I let it go ,I hope they have a conscience but I doubt it ,otherwise they would have got in touch to let me know they were ready to clear the house,

Witzend Sat 01-May-21 08:47:59

I’m another who can’t imagine anyone confessing to that here!

Talking of grabby relatives, though, after a SiL’s elderly mother died, and before the house was cleared prior to going on the market, relatives were told that they could help themselves to
anything they liked.

The wife of one of the person’s grandsons - so not even a blood relative - instantly charged in and helped herself to all the jewellery!
I’m pleased to say that they made her give it all back.
She came from a very wealthy family, too.