A bit more thoughtfulness from adult son

M0nica
Of course it is, and I’m sure that if he saw his parents struggling with something they were having real difficulty with, he’d be there.
But I don’t think a bit of cleaning falls into that category.

I agree with Hithere.

Luckily my family see things the same way too. We are very independent. If we want help from each other we ask for it. It's a plain, simple transaction and I like it. There is no offence taken because someone didn't offer something you feel they should have done.

I might have thought to offer help in this situation, but my mum would certainly not have been offended if I had not.

What I'm saying is maybe try not to take it to heart. We all need different types of communication and maybe the message never got to him?

We used to offer to help my mum even if she hadn’t asked, because we loved her and wanted to help.
Yes we had a family and went to work etc but we made the time as she was getting on, as we are now but so often children who witnessed all this are now often too busy to do the same.
I understand how you feel GD it does hurt but he sounds unthinking rather than uncaring as so many are nowadays.
Definitely get a cleaner in, I have decided as I loath housework that I may do the same in the not too distant future.

I think, in our family anyway, that adult children have a reluctance to see that their parents are getting older. They don’t want to see mum and dad, as anything other than they have always been, in other words, there for them, and not the other way around.
Sounds a bit selfish, but I’m fairly sure they would all step up if necessary.

I think it can be hard to see your parents as getting older. Maybe it's a bit like them always seeing us as younger than we actually are? Sometimes I look at my eldest child and think about how old they are getting and think, wow! How did my baby get to be so grown up? I know my parents feel the same way about me.

I personally wouldn't volunteer to help my mother clean up at this stage. She's still very capable and I don't think she wouldn't want me to help. She's very particular about how things should be done and doing them her way. I would leave her to ask if she wanted help.

We had a conversation when I was in my mid-teams where she went off on one of her regular rants about how we never helped around the house. I shot back, "Don't say that because I have offered to help many times and you always say you prefer to do it your way and don't want me to help. So don't complain if I've given up offering because you never let me!" Never had another one of those rants after that because she knew it was true.

Is there anything like that, OP, that could discourage your son from offering?

mid-teams = mid-teens

CafeAuLait
Yes I agree, I’m a bit like your mum I think, so I shall be doing everything myself for as long as possible.
Frankly, the thought of watching my youngest daughter cleaning, is painful.

I can understand that Sara. I'm content to do my own cleaning and prefer no interference.

It's probably a bit shameful that I learned to clean when I got a cleaning job in university. The woman I was cleaning for had her way she liked things done and took me through the first day showing me how she wanted me to do it. That is how I learned any cleaning skills at all. I've made sure to teach my children how to clean, even if they don't have to do it often.

CafeAuLait
I think I picked it up as I went along, I’ve no idea why my youngest is so useless, apart from maybe when the others were being encouraged to help out a bit and keep their rooms clean, she was doing a sport to
quite a high level, and had very little time.
But she is thirty now, with three children, and seems to have the attitude, who would clean or iron when you could be doing something else.

Sara, my mother did once state that she 'really dropped the ball on that one' (teaching us domestic skills). So I think she's thought it over. Fortunately someone else did teach me to clean so I was well equipped when I had a home of my own to care for.

My mother's house is immaculate though and I've also made sure to not be like her in that regard. She was always cleaning and tidying and I'd rather spend more time with my kids. Before I had kids my home was also immaculate. If I think of my mother the first thing that pops into my mind is of her cleaning. I clean and cook every day, but I don't keep things perfect. I remember visiting with my child when she was a toddler. We were going to go to the zoo. I wanted to go at 10am so that my child wouldn't get tired and cranky. No-one was allowed to go anywhere until she had vacuumed the house (that didn't need it anyway). I'd have gone to the zoo then vacuumed. I should have just gone and told her 'meet you there when you're ready'. There has to be some sort of balance.

Grandmadinosaur, I wouldn't even bother asking for help (unless desperate) from my adult children. Their efforts would be far below my standards anyway.

After a rewire, I took my time clearing all the dust, room by room, closing doors, as I don't even use most of the rooms here - so why the rush?

Sara37, there we differ, I would include odd bits of cleaning or anything that needed to be done as well as those things that couldn't be done with out some help - and it works both ways - we got stuck in, still do on occasion, when AC need help with anything.

I laughed at the OP as one of my sons is just like this. He never asks how I am, he just texts me either about politics or football. I sent him a text saying, Hi, I have been dead for a week, thanks for asking if I am ok and he just did the crying face emoji

My dad would no more ask me to help clean than fly to the moon. And I would not offer to help him clean. I am laughing just thinking about it. This doesnt mean we arent very close.

Galaxy I am not talking routine cleaning, but if I had a lot of clearing up to do after builders etc, I wouldn't think twice about asking. Currently I am fit and well and can manage everything, but since DH's illness, he is still an invalid, Both AC have helped me with odd jobs that need 2 people, from wallpapering a 10 foot tall wall, to cutting wood and moving a couple of paving slabs.

Hi Grandmadinasaur
You do sound like you're exhausted from all the work and clearing up that follows.
I hope you can relax and enjoy the new comfort you will find with the improvements you have made.
I understand where you are coming from, and the disappointment you feel at your son's apparent lack of understanding of your situation. As you say it's just asking how you are and the offer of help is so important.
Generally we do a lot to help our AC and they in turn are more than that when we need a hand, as in when we moved home a few years ago. They helped with all the decoration and refurbishment that was needed.
Hopefully you can speak to your son and say how you feel, maybe he has got a lot going on and just did not think.
I hope you feel better soon, be good to yourself and your DH. Do something nice for yourselves.
As MOnica said earlier, our AC don't realise we parents are ageing and not as fit and able as we used to be.
I do remind ours sometimes!

They helped with all the decoration and refurbishment that was needed.

I don't have time to refurbish my own home let alone my parent's or anyone else's. If I urgently need something done, I pay people to come in and do it. I don't expect my children to come do it for me. They have busy lives too.

JaneJudge your son sounds like a hoot. That made me laugh.

CafeAuLait
Again, agree word for word

I'm the first one to offer help and on the whole it's been a two way street" my daughter has nevr asked me through the Pandemic if I am ok or if I need anything, I am widowed and been very lonely at times. Every now and then she send a joke text but never a message. She will take me out for a nice meal, very rushed though about four times a year. It's obvious she doesn't care, is just ticking me off a list, but I don't sever contact as it wouldn't matter to her but I would never know how she was if I did,. It different my , to a son or daughter just being thoughtless, we all can at times and I would not make anything of it.

I would be more likely to ask my OH to make time from his busy schedule to help clean, than ask my adult children.
But all families interact in different ways as this thread shows.

Grandmadinosaur maybe start a conversation with your son saying it would be nice if he asked how you are sometimes as it would mean a lot to you? That may be all that’s needed for him to realise that he doesn’t.

CafeAuLait

I think it can be hard to see your parents as getting older. Maybe it's a bit like them always seeing us as younger than we actually are? Sometimes I look at my eldest child and think about how old they are getting and think, wow! How did my baby get to be so grown up? I know my parents feel the same way about me.

I personally wouldn't volunteer to help my mother clean up at this stage. She's still very capable and I don't think she wouldn't want me to help. She's very particular about how things should be done and doing them her way. I would leave her to ask if she wanted help.

We had a conversation when I was in my mid-teams where she went off on one of her regular rants about how we never helped around the house. I shot back, "Don't say that because I have offered to help many times and you always say you prefer to do it your way and don't want me to help. So don't complain if I've given up offering because you never let me!" Never had another one of those rants after that because she knew it was true.

Is there anything like that, OP, that could discourage your son from offering?

Oh yes, been there! Mum in kitchen "Can I do anything to help, Mum?"
"No, I'm better off doing it on my own. I can't concentrate with someone else around"
So I sit at the dining room table reading my paper but within earshot in case she needs anything.
"Wish I had time to just sit about and read a paper!"
Can't win!

maybe he doesn't like cleaning and it would never occur to him anyway.
can't you pay to have professionals do it.
see it as part of completing the building works.
worth the outlay.
life is short. tell people what you mean, what you want.

I find there is a fine line between offering help to my Mum (90) and taking away her independence.
She is/always has been very independent, and I almost have to guess which things are becoming a struggle for her.
Recently I took over changing/washing/drying her bedding, which she admits is a great help, but she insists on still doing her clothes washing.
I found out last week that she has been taking her cordless vacuum cleaner upstairs to use, as she has forgotten/doesn't know how to empty the upstairs one. How she has been doing this is a mystery, as we have had to have a second handrail fitted just so she can manage the stairs! I've offered to do the actual vacuuming for her, but she insists she can manage. ( She has at least consented to me doing the stairs carpet, as her hand held vac is a little heavy)
I try to do things as I notice them,( ie weeding her front steps) but don't want her to feel that I think she can't cope.
I am an only child, so there is only me and DH to help. To the OP - please ask if you need help, your son just may not realise. Otherwise, do the cleaning a little at a time, even 30 mins a day will eventually get it done! x

It’s probably something about being a man too (apologies you men, just my observation) as they are less likely to pick up on hints, or feelings. He probably assumes if he doesn’t hear anything to the contrary you’re both doing fine. Also AC have no idea of the loss of strength as we get older. Why would they? The number of times since I’ve got older I’ve regretted DM&D ‘managing’ when they probably couldn’t. Ask him to do a specific job to get him involved, something that’s difficult for you two, but definitely get cleaners in for a ‘deep clean’, worth every penny and more. Ours took 6 hours at £12.50 an hour, admittedly some years ago. Do not listen to OH, just do it! Ours was so good we booked her every week. Still coming, she’s brilliant. Hope you are pleased with your house.