A bit more thoughtfulness from adult son

Best thing to do is ask when you need help rather than get annoyed when he hasn't noticed, carries on regardless and just doesn't think!

It hasn't crossed his mind that you might be requiring his assistance. I would ask if he can spare a couple of hours this weekend. Otherwise I would get on the phone to a cleaning company and get them to sort it out.

Madgran77

Best thing to do is ask when you need help rather than get annoyed when he hasn't noticed, carries on regardless and just doesn't think!

Completely agree, some people just aren’t as empathetic as other and that’s ok. If you want a hand with something specific why not just ask?

Your DS isn’t a mind reader OP, and most rational adults would be upset to know they were hurting their parents over something that they are unaware of. Instead of getting in a tizzy, why not ask for some help? You might be pleasantly surprised.

Also, just as a quick aside, maybe don’t mention that the inheritance - it comes off as a bit petty and guilt trippy. I get why you mentioned it on here and am assuming that was just a wee bit of a vent.

Yes, excellent post Monica. I was thinking the same.
Don't be 'needy' but nought wrong with asking for help from time to time. And joke about getting older and needing a bit of help.

When I moved house, about 12 years ago, it was my daughter who helped me and not my 2 hunky sons. ?

Also.... if your husband isn’t keen on getting
Cleaners in I’d say tough and do it. The cost will be minimal compared to what you must have paid for the building work.
I just paid two wonderful ladies to spring clean my flat. Worth every penny.

I suspect it would never occur to your son that you would need help with cleaning, in my experience men generally don't see the need unless it is pointed out to them. Nor are they any good at second guessing what you want them to do. But if you do come out and say you need help, then they will be happy to do so, at least in our family!

It seems a little unfair to fume because he sent you details of a TV programme he thought might interest you. I would be over the moon if one of my sons did that, after all he is thinking of you and your interests. I would just ask for help, not expect him to be clairvoyant.

You are desperately tired, which will affect your mood, you have your own standards that you need to keep to, and you risk overdoing it and wearing yourself out, please take a rest and do what you feel you need to in small bits. It doesn't all have to be done at once?

I don't think it would occur to many adult children to offer to help with a clear up unless you asked them specifically; if it was moving heavy furniture or putting up curtains they might think you needed help, but cleaning??, well you have always done that, haven't you!
Why don't you say you are exhausted; could he possibly give you a couple of hours to do places you can't reach and see what the response is?
Personally, I would get a company in for a deep clean.

It seems like you miscalculated the full effort of the project
Furthermore, your husband is not keen on hiring outside help to cover the gap.

It is not fair you both expect your son to make your emergency his priority + read your mind

I think the other thing is, that our adult children don’t see us getting older. I don’t know about any of you, but I try and be as independent as possible, never alluding to my age, I don’t ask for help, and I’m sure they assume none is needed.
My husband and I are both in our mid sixties, no serious health problems, and both still working, and I don’t think our children see any difference to how we were thirty years ago.
So I agree with others, if you want something doing, just ask. Your son sounds like a nice chap to me.

Hithere

It seems like you miscalculated the full effort of the project
Furthermore, your husband is not keen on hiring outside help to cover the gap.

It is not fair you both expect your son to make your emergency his priority + read your mind

Where did OP say she wanted son to make them his priority ??

We have always done things for our grown up children. We volunteer much of the time. They do not think twice about asking us to do things either. Would we ask them for help? Probably not. We think we would know the answer. 'Sorry a bit busy'.

The implication that they helped son and gave him money in the past - he owes them

Make their emergency his priority?? Where ?

The implication that they helped son and gave him money in the past - he owes them

You seem to be projecting something into this situation that doesn't actually exist Hithere. Why?

I would only ask my AC for help if I was absolutely desperate. In a case like this I would do the cleaning gradually a little each day and not worry about it.

Hithere where did I say we helped ds with money? No I didn’t say such a thing. You must have a materialistic mind if that’s what you think. We have helped Ds with practical issues and support as and where needed. Isn’t that what parents do?
Also I never implied it was an emergency as it isn’t.

We were just joking/commiserating with friends that called the other evening, saying we dread the "Hi Mom/Dad, are you busy?" phone calls.

Our friends' grown son just called his Dad to ask with help for an electrical wiring job at 8:30 at night! Dad said sorry not available, but drop on over for a beer and we can talk about it. This was after a day of babysitting the other son's two little ones.

I think there are some very thoughtful grown children, but a lot don't really think of their parents socially as they would their friends. Nothing better than to just have them drop by for a visit with no other agenda!

You should have answered him to say ' how interesting about so-and-so, but we are so tired from all the work around the house we won't have time to watch.' Offer for him to drop over have a cup of tea/beer and a visit. Then you can gently suggest he help with chores.

CanadianGran

We were just joking/commiserating with friends that called the other evening, saying we dread the "Hi Mom/Dad, are you busy?" phone calls.

Our friends' grown son just called his Dad to ask with help for an electrical wiring job at 8:30 at night! Dad said sorry not available, but drop on over for a beer and we can talk about it. This was after a day of babysitting the other son's two little ones.

I think there are some very thoughtful grown children, but a lot don't really think of their parents socially as they would their friends. Nothing better than to just have them drop by for a visit with no other agenda!

You should have answered him to say ' how interesting about so-and-so, but we are so tired from all the work around the house we won't have time to watch.' Offer for him to drop over have a cup of tea/beer and a visit. Then you can gently suggest he help with chores.

I’m genuinely interested as to why you would take this approach rather than just asking outright for a bit of help?

I would rather have my mum ask if she needed me than have her drop hints I might not get.

But I still don’t accept that it’s his job to help with chores, sorry if I’ve missed something, but he may have a very busy life, and helping his parents do cleaning isn’t really on his list of priorities.
I would ask my son to give us a hand with something we couldn’t do on our own, but I would never ask him to help clean, or my daughters.

I think I'm generally fairly thoughtful when it comes to being there when my parents need help. Of course I don't read minds so hope they would just ask if there was a problem. On the side of the son though, you don't know what he has on his plate this particular week. Usually, if asked, I would go lend a hand with a bit of clean up in this kind of situation but this past week, I just couldn't have. I'm currently working to a very tight deadline and aren't free till next week.

In the end, it does seem like you underestimated how much work you would have to do afterwards and are now expecting your son to compensate for that. That's not really fair if you didn't ask him about it first, or make sure that it was when he had time free to do that. If you're expecting his help he should get a say in when it happens.

OP, can you maybe call in a cleaning agency to help finish off? It's just part of the renovation expenses then. In my experience renovation companies usually clean up when they finish.

we did not realise how exhausted we would feel after completion of all the work.
Yet you expect your son to realise this, psychically.

I agree with those saying that adult children tend to think their parents are managing fine, unless they are told otherwise.
If you want help, ask for it nicely.

Btw, your comment about inheritance was materialistic as well as nasty. Why would your son ever connect your building work now with his future inheritance?

My parents have been doing some renovations and not once has inheritance crossed my mind. I have encouraged them to spend the lot living life. They can't take it with them and they worked for it. They should enjoy it. Will I take my share of whatever inheritance is left over when they both pass away? Well, yes, it has to go somewhere. However, I would rather have my parents alive and inherit nothing. I don't think adult children really spend much time thinking about inheritances and whether every action of their parent increases or reduces it. I'd hope not anyway. I agree with FarNorth.

Sara1954, it isn't his 'job' but in most of the families I know, including my own, there is a web of affection, love and care that binds the family together and means each of us will come to the aid of another person for small or large items.

It may be help with DIY, emotional support and on a very few ocasions some financial help, although we usually volunteer that before any request is made. That is how functional families work.

Yes I agree, you have to ask him and I’m sure he could spare a couple hours to give you a hand.

We don’t like to bother our AC as we know they all have busy lives, but they are only too happy to help when asked. I’m sure yours will be the same ?