A bit more thoughtfulness from adult son

I think the other thing is, that our adult children don’t see us getting older. I don’t know about any of you, but I try and be as independent as possible, never alluding to my age, I don’t ask for help, and I’m sure they assume none is needed.
My husband and I are both in our mid sixties, no serious health problems, and both still working, and I don’t think our children see any difference to how we were thirty years ago.
So I agree with others, if you want something doing, just ask. Your son sounds like a nice chap to me.

It seems like you miscalculated the full effort of the project
Furthermore, your husband is not keen on hiring outside help to cover the gap.

It is not fair you both expect your son to make your emergency his priority + read your mind

I don't think it would occur to many adult children to offer to help with a clear up unless you asked them specifically; if it was moving heavy furniture or putting up curtains they might think you needed help, but cleaning??, well you have always done that, haven't you!
Why don't you say you are exhausted; could he possibly give you a couple of hours to do places you can't reach and see what the response is?
Personally, I would get a company in for a deep clean.

I suspect it would never occur to your son that you would need help with cleaning, in my experience men generally don't see the need unless it is pointed out to them. Nor are they any good at second guessing what you want them to do. But if you do come out and say you need help, then they will be happy to do so, at least in our family!

It seems a little unfair to fume because he sent you details of a TV programme he thought might interest you. I would be over the moon if one of my sons did that, after all he is thinking of you and your interests. I would just ask for help, not expect him to be clairvoyant.

You are desperately tired, which will affect your mood, you have your own standards that you need to keep to, and you risk overdoing it and wearing yourself out, please take a rest and do what you feel you need to in small bits. It doesn't all have to be done at once?

Also.... if your husband isn’t keen on getting
Cleaners in I’d say tough and do it. The cost will be minimal compared to what you must have paid for the building work.
I just paid two wonderful ladies to spring clean my flat. Worth every penny.

When I moved house, about 12 years ago, it was my daughter who helped me and not my 2 hunky sons. ?

Yes, excellent post Monica. I was thinking the same.
Don't be 'needy' but nought wrong with asking for help from time to time. And joke about getting older and needing a bit of help.

Madgran77

Best thing to do is ask when you need help rather than get annoyed when he hasn't noticed, carries on regardless and just doesn't think!

Completely agree, some people just aren’t as empathetic as other and that’s ok. If you want a hand with something specific why not just ask?

Your DS isn’t a mind reader OP, and most rational adults would be upset to know they were hurting their parents over something that they are unaware of. Instead of getting in a tizzy, why not ask for some help? You might be pleasantly surprised.

Also, just as a quick aside, maybe don’t mention that the inheritance - it comes off as a bit petty and guilt trippy. I get why you mentioned it on here and am assuming that was just a wee bit of a vent.

It hasn't crossed his mind that you might be requiring his assistance. I would ask if he can spare a couple of hours this weekend. Otherwise I would get on the phone to a cleaning company and get them to sort it out.

Best thing to do is ask when you need help rather than get annoyed when he hasn't noticed, carries on regardless and just doesn't think!

My adult son will always assist if asked, but it would never occur to him to offer.
I’m fine with that, we’ve had lots of various projects on the go over the years, none of them were our children’s idea, so I really can’t see why they would feel responsible for cleaning up.
If you are exhausted, do things a bit at a time, or if you find it hard to leave, get in a cleaning firm.
He doesn’t sound selfish to me, just normal.

I was going to write much the same as you MOnica our children tend not to think of us getting older and finding things more difficult. However I do think that on GN I see so many excuses being made for adult children when often they are thoughtless. We do need to say how we feel and not always pussy foot around.

I think our AC always see us as being the people we always were and simply do not realise the extent to which we no longer have the energy, strength and stamina we had when we were 30 or 40 years younger.

I am sure that if you told your son how exhausting you are finding the clearing up and asked for assistance, he will be very happy to give some help.

Since DH became ill, DS has come home for a weekend every month, explicitly to do anything I cannot manage on my own, from cutting firewood to helping me get a mirror off the wall in order to paint behind it and then put it up again.

In our family relations are not transactional, we each help each other as it is needed and when required. However we do assume if someone needs help they will ask for it, not just expect the other person to guess that help is needed and be open about not being as strong or having as much energy as when we were younger.

I am always amazed on GN how many family problems are caused because family members do not talk to each other openly and have all sorts of areas that are off limits for family discussion.

Hithere we did not realise how exhausted we would feel after completion of all the work. Also we were given dates and then found out some could be carried out earlier and 2 even overlapped. Yes it is our idea it’s our house not his but will he turn down more money in inheritance as have been able to get a better price. Methinks not.
I am not making any more comments after doing another 2 hours cleaning this afternoon I’m exhausted enough without nasty ignorant comments. Hi there you must have a heart of stone. Must be good to be so perfect

It is still your idea, despite being very much needed.
Did you talk to him about needing his support? He is not a mind reader

Ladyleftfieldlover yes I told DH I was going to get a cleaner in. He wasn’t keen and says he’ll do it. He will but just in his own time. He has a busy demanding job and I’d rather let someone else do it. I think the time has come.

Hithere the remodelling is our idea. It isn’t “vanity” stuff it is basics that are needed ie new roof,facias etc, new (needed) boiler and a new again much needed bathroom ie doing away with a bath I find difficult to get in and out of and replaced with walk in shower. All things that will make life easier and also so that we shall get a good price when selling. I also may add with living away from both families with no support DH and I have always done things ourselves. Just nice to think now we are older with a son only 5 minutes away things might be different.

Yes he does have a child etc but as I’ve said I help out a great deal and it would be nice to think he could at least ask.
Kate1949 and Calendargirl I know where you’re coming from. Thanks for the helpful and supportive replies.

Get someone in to clean. There is a company called Merry Maids in my area who clean houses after building work has been completed.

I rather think we need to ask for help with a specific task if we hope for help from adult children. They have their own jobs, family and agenda and are not mind readers. If they then refuse, or ignore a hint, that is another matter.
I have had the offer of my 16 year old grandson's help when he has finished his exams, but to be honest, we are not happy with the Covid risks he would bring into the house.

Lucca

I would have written the same if it was the son writing the OP

Hithere

When a person undertakes a project, I understand it may take additional support from other people to get it accomplished

However, it is yabu to expect and demand that support for an action the other person may have had no input in

Also, how about the other person's life obligations? Those dont change, this extra support only adds on top of it

So for the posters who accuse the son of being selfish, why not the OP being the one who is selfish for making the son's schedule and support to center around OP's agenda?

Why always so harsh Hithere, specially towards older parents /grandparents?

Personally I’d say OP should either pay for cleaning help or directly ask her son if he could spare a couple of hours rather than expecting him to guess but I understand she might feel tired and a bit disappointed !

I agree, in principle with the bare bones of your post Hithere.

My first reaction to hearing someone I love or just like is under pressure, is to think of ways to help.

It could just be a sympathetic chat.

Afterall, Grandmadinosaur 1st complant was
no are you both ok?

Leading me to think assistance was helpful but emotional support was more meaningful.

Hithere

When a person undertakes a project, I understand it may take additional support from other people to get it accomplished

However, it is yabu to expect and demand that support for an action the other person may have had no input in

Also, how about the other person's life obligations? Those dont change, this extra support only adds on top of it

So for the posters who accuse the son of being selfish, why not the OP being the one who is selfish for making the son's schedule and support to center around OP's agenda?

Funny how we all see something different in an OP isn't it?

It's a bit annoying. When our kitchen was out of action for three weeks, we thought our daughter might have asked us over for a meal or ask if we needed any washing doing but she didn't. Hey ho. What can we do?

When a person undertakes a project, I understand it may take additional support from other people to get it accomplished

However, it is yabu to expect and demand that support for an action the other person may have had no input in

Also, how about the other person's life obligations? Those dont change, this extra support only adds on top of it

So for the posters who accuse the son of being selfish, why not the OP being the one who is selfish for making the son's schedule and support to center around OP's agenda?