Neighbours constantly asking for things

I had a very good relationship with my neighbour, I did lots of shopping for her at the end of 2019 when she had hurt h& Diabetic so I did her shopping until she decided she felt safe enough to start coming with me, partly because like all of us it's nice to get out & get your own shopping instead of relying on others.

Fast forward to this year, I was in Hospital for 11 days (not Covid related), she fed my cat which she always did when I went away. I had to self isolate for 14 days when I left Hospital, my DD did my shopping once a week. My neighbour was walking into our lovely little Town to do her own shopping what hurt is that she never asked me if there was anything I needed or if here was a little treat I would like. She does ask how I am if we happen to be in our gardens at the same time but hasn't been round to see me or even messaged me.

I know she disapproves of my relationship with a younger man I met last August, he's 20 years younger than me, I'm almost 66 & have been widowed for 8 years, he chose me, not sure why but we get on well, it's a great friendship & he makes me happy, I suspect its a case of a "green-eye monster"

I drive & have a wide social circle but I will no longer put myself out for her, neither will I be inviting her to join me for days out.

People can be users , even the ones you had a reasonable relationship with. As to your neighbours, I would definitely put the barriers up both physically if possible such as a gate, fence, hedge & metaphorically

Ask yourself what is worse: putting up with this behaviour or drawing a line and perhaps ending up not on speaking terms with your neighbours.

I would do as others suggest, tell then you need the supplies you have ordered yourself, but if there should be anything left over, they are welcome to buy it from you. Make it quite clear that you are not so fortunately placed that you can afford to give it to them.

I would not go to the trouble and expense of putting up more fencing, even if you may do so where you live. Simply inform them that you value your privacy, and that you would appreciate them not walking in your garden unless invited in by you or your husband.

Do this now - the longer you leave it the harder it will be to say anything to them about it.

I too had a neighbour like this, in the end I used to write down where she could get whatever it was/tell her how much etc. The last straw was her saying 'I am retired you know'. My reply was so am I. She tried her freebie collecting all over the village - needless to say she was not popular. These people are very Thick skinned. She did manage at least 3 holidays a year, one of which was always a cruise. The answer to their requests has to be NO.

Oopsadaisy1

Sometimes you find that elderly neighbours will zoom in on a younger couple who they will ask to do things so that ‘ they don’t have to bother their own children’ the ‘children’ are happy because they know that if there is a problem the neighbour will help to sort it out.
As your neighbours get older you could find yourself in a similar situation to another poster on a similar thread.
Say no now, be friendly but set your boundaries before they get worse.

I was thinking that too. Older people don’t like to bother their own children but quite happy to keep banging on your door. Just not on!
As to the jobs your husband has already started with them I would be sure to be too busy to ever get round to finishing it or developing an injury that made it impossible to do so however here is a telephone number of a company that can do it.

polnan

well... deep sighs... I am elderly, and I find it soooo hard to ask , even my family or closest and very close friend for help!

However, I can sort of see their point of view, cos many of us older people grew up in a society much different to how it is now..

just saying..

and also I put the wheelie bin out for my much younger neighbour.. well it is on wheels!

well yes but I bet that you don't ask them for stuff or services that they have paid for!
When Dh and I bought our first house on a small estate we used to say hello to an older lady who was often out in her front garden. One day she said "can I give you some advice?" (she knew it was out first house) She said "stay on good terms with your neighbours but don't get too friendly" We were a bit gobsmacked but she told us that she had lived in her house when it was built and seen the same story over and over again as people moved in and out....fast friendships then falling out then joining one or another of the factions. As we got to know the area a bit we realised how right she was...if you were seen chatting to one lot then another lot would pass you with their noses in the air. It sounds cold hearted but its good advice that I have followed all my life and it has kept me out of trouble in many places. I have good neighbours now....we take in parcels for each other and so on but we don't live in each other's pockets.

Yes, as others have said, if the skip issue happens again, tell them how much it's costing and would they like to go halves?? But seriously, it's very sad when people take more and more advantage like this. What I've learned over the years is that it's ME that's "teaching" them that I'll put up with it so it's ME who has to change my behaviour - it's illogical to expect someone to change behaviour that obviously suits them so much. Remember that very wise saying: "Fool me Once, Shame on You. Fool me Twice, Shame on Me."

Thank you Sarahcyn for your kind words, I am relieved

What do all these acronyms mean? I’m stumped!

Sorry you have to deal with takers in your new home. I've nothing to add to what's been said already but firmly to say No. You shouldn't need to give a reason. If you feel you can tell them it was I'll cost X£s if they want to buy it. That often stops people who want freebies really. Nothing is for nothing..

B9exchange

I am now starting to feel guilty if we are putting too much on our neighbours by asking them occasionally to feed our cats and water the garden if we are away. Their little girl loves them and they say they are very happy to do it, but I don't want them to feel put upon. We do go in and water their garden and pick up their post when they are away, but cat feeding and doing litter trays is a bit different if you don't have animals. I do take them some of my home made cakes occasionally, and we have helped out when asked for advice with dealing with the nasty man they have the misfortune to live next door to, as we had problems with him too.

I hope it is a bit of give and take, I would hate to think they felt put upon?

I'm sure you aren't the only person reading this post and mentally checking over their own neighbour behaviour ! Clearly the OP's neighbours are taking the p***. It doesn't sound as though you are at all the same. You stop their plants dying and they stop your cat dying. OK it's not quite the same thing, but they get cake too!

I’ll check my diary is a good way of getting out of stuff without committing

well... deep sighs... I am elderly, and I find it soooo hard to ask , even my family or closest and very close friend for help!

However, I can sort of see their point of view, cos many of us older people grew up in a society much different to how it is now..

just saying..

and also I put the wheelie bin out for my much younger neighbour.. well it is on wheels!

It's a real bonus to have good neighbours that you can rely on for the odd helpful gesture, but it has to be mutual, and acceptable to both sides. It sounds as if your neighbours have managed to develop a one way street of help, freebies, and unrestricted violation of your property. Were this my situation, I would change it while trying not to upset them. No is a powerful word; you don't have to explain anything, although there are some excellent suggestions on here for stopping them in their tracks.

I am now starting to feel guilty if we are putting too much on our neighbours by asking them occasionally to feed our cats and water the garden if we are away. Their little girl loves them and they say they are very happy to do it, but I don't want them to feel put upon. We do go in and water their garden and pick up their post when they are away, but cat feeding and doing litter trays is a bit different if you don't have animals. I do take them some of my home made cakes occasionally, and we have helped out when asked for advice with dealing with the nasty man they have the misfortune to live next door to, as we had problems with him too.

I hope it is a bit of give and take, I would hate to think they felt put upon?

Poor you, it’s spoiling your enjoyment of the new house.
Get a second gate and a big ‘Beware of the Dog’ sign. I have one I can send you!

Oh dear this needs nipping in the bud. They have latched onto you and are exploiting your friendly nature. Firm no to the next request or it will get worse.

Nightmare. Why did the last people move?

BlueberryPie

I think there are just a few people around who seem to have missed the unspoken rules the rest of us know and live by. They will request help, favors and freebies from anyone, to whatever extent they can get away with.

I don't know if they're socially clueless, amazingly self-centered and greedy, were deprived as infants and desperately looking for a new mommy to latch onto, or what. But I guess it doesn't matter why, for practical purposes.

These neighbors definitely seem the type who will encroach on you as much as they're allowed to. So I'd back off from them completely. Whatever they ask for, the answer would be no and I'd also stop talking to them beyond a wave or hello when you're stuck crossing paths. If you stick to it, they'll find someone else to bother.

In my experience, neighbors are too close for friendships anyway. So often, you find you just don't click with new people that well after all for various reasons, and then it's awkward when you constantly run into them.

I agree. We’ve never made friends with neighbours. We both had very similar problems growing up. Completely independent of each other. Both sets of parents didn’t deal with it very well. We both learnt from that, and when we got married, vowed to always be civil, but nothing more.
I agree, you have to talk to them, and start to say ‘ no’. The hardest word in the English language to say it seems, on so many levels.

I think there are just a few people around who seem to have missed the unspoken rules the rest of us know and live by. They will request help, favors and freebies from anyone, to whatever extent they can get away with.

I don't know if they're socially clueless, amazingly self-centered and greedy, were deprived as infants and desperately looking for a new mommy to latch onto, or what. But I guess it doesn't matter why, for practical purposes.

These neighbors definitely seem the type who will encroach on you as much as they're allowed to. So I'd back off from them completely. Whatever they ask for, the answer would be no and I'd also stop talking to them beyond a wave or hello when you're stuck crossing paths. If you stick to it, they'll find someone else to bother.

In my experience, neighbors are too close for friendships anyway. So often, you find you just don't click with new people that well after all for various reasons, and then it's awkward when you constantly run into them.

It is a nuisance to feel put upon so YANBU.
When people ask for something and I am not happy to give or share, I do say no sorry but I also share things with my neighbours/friends. There is one who currently has my pickaxe and has asked to borrow the garden fork. I said it wasn't spare.
She used to work and live in a residential school and since retiring I think she is learning new "rules" about private property. Perhaps your neighbours are similar?
It's good to feel generous but horrid to be made to feel mean.

It’s not always easy to get neighbourly friendliness right is it?
We all want to have a good relationship with our neighbours but unfortunately some people will take advantage.

I always think it’s best to take time to suss new folk out before becoming overly friendly to such an extent that liberties are taken as has happened here.

Advice from others to nip this behaviour in the bud is good, and to be on your guard against any other cheeky requests.

Vickysponge

Oh my goodness are cheeky are they? I’m afraid I’d be blunt with them and tell them where to go. Unbelievable. What a horrible situation to be in. They are taking advantage of you. Set clear boundaries now!

Sorry for typo. Should read how cheeky.

Oh my goodness are cheeky are they? I’m afraid I’d be blunt with them and tell them where to go. Unbelievable. What a horrible situation to be in. They are taking advantage of you. Set clear boundaries now!

I had this first it started with me taking the bins out. Then watching ask me to post letters. My ex partner mowed their lawn I went mad because they will expect it all the time. I got them a gardeners number he very reasonable and they moan about paying. I’ve given up now and I am standing firm I will do the bins but no more. They will just want more and more !! Stand firm say hello but have excuses ready

Good advice already given. Just get into the habit of saying "no" to which you can add "if there's room in the skip when we've finished I'll let you know", or "if we have any left over xxx I'll let you know".