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Does it seem like she doesn't want to meet up?

(27 Posts)
Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 10:41:29

A lady I went to university with then got back in touch with years later.
She was the first one to get in contact as she had moved back to the area. We met that week, this was in March so not much to do other than go for a walk. We were out walking for about an hour and it was nice to catch up, there were one or two silences but I didn't think anything of it, I am fairly quiet person but I thought we got on well.

She told me to let her know when I next wanted to meet up, so around a month later I messaged and we arranged a day. The day before we were due to meet she texted me to cancel as she had to babysit in the end.

I said that's fine and could she do the following week, and she said yes. Then I said well what about X day and time and she said oh actually I forgot i can't do that day, but I can do X and X day the following week.

So once again I said no problem, and we arranged it for this Monday. On Sunday she texts me saying oh I'm so sorry I forgot I was going to a dinner party on Monday, can we do next week?

Getting slightly frustrated at this point but I decide to give it one more chance, I say yes ok, what days next week can we do?

That was Monday and she's not replied to the message and we're now Friday, yet it's saying she's been online.

It's just very flaky and the thing is she's no children or anything, and single, I'm sure she could find an hour in her life to meet up. I work nights and doing 46 hours this week yet I've made time.

Shall I just assume that she's not interested in meeting me and this is her trying to be polite about it?
I have had this before with a female friend of my partner's who I tried to become friendlier with, she proclaimed to want to meet up then just never replied to my messages.

Nansnet Fri 28-May-21 10:52:02

I'd leave it at that. If she does contact you at some point, let her do the arranging, and if she cancels again I wouldn't even bother responding. I'd just delete her from my contacts.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 10:59:36

Yeah you're right I definitely won't send anything again. Just don't get why people do this, if she doesn't actually want to meet up I'd rather know.

Namsnanny Fri 28-May-21 11:01:16

Text saying your open to meeting when ever she wants to. Then leave it.
If this is a (not really) polite way of not following through, you have left it on a positive note.
Try to move on.
If she really is this disorganised, you would constantly be frustrated by her actions, so maybe she isnt friend material anyway?
Dont take it to heart, it's not you!

TrendyNannie6 Fri 28-May-21 11:08:34

To be honest I wouldn’t bother with her, it’s odd behaviour, too many times for me I’m afraid, but that’s me, totally understand other things crop up along the way, but I just find it odd there’s no other interaction between the meeting up requests,

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 11:11:47

She wasn't like this before, I mean she wasn't disorganised. Just find it weird she hasn't read a message i sent 4 days ago but keeps being online.

Shandy57 Fri 28-May-21 11:14:46

Shangela I do sympathise, I had a flaky friend who let me down so many times I no longer contact her. She might not have mobile data turned on - this was a problem with my friend, she didn't understand her phone.

cornishpatsy Fri 28-May-21 11:31:12

I think you should take the hint that she does not want contact.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 28-May-21 11:32:43

Yes that’s right Shanangela , I wouldn’t take it personally, maybe this is how she is, she was the one that suggested meeting up the second time wasn’t she, I think if it was me I’d carry on doing the things I have to do and move on,

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 28-May-21 11:37:24

I’d just leave it. It doesn’t sound like a big deal. You sound like you have a full enough life already. It may be she’s actually lonely and struggles socially, but if we all went round constantly trying to work out the real reasons for peoples actions, we’d never sleep at night!
Wait until she contacts you now, and take it from there if you feel it’s right.

Katie59 Fri 28-May-21 11:38:19

It happens a lot, either don’t want to, or can’t be bothered, or too many other things going on. Don’t take it personally just drop the contact, you have caught up, probably have not got much in common, leave it at that .

Redhead56 Fri 28-May-21 11:48:24

It's odd that she pursued you to meet up she sounds full of her own importance to me. You are working long hours and have been willing to fit her in and been let down. Don't get in touch let her make the effort if she doesn't shes contrary leave her to it.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 11:54:45

We went to university together and have a hobby in common so i thought that we would have things in common with that, but yeah I shouldn't take it personally.
It was her that suggested meeting up in March, then heard nothing for about 5 weeks then it was me who suggested the May meet-up which hasn't materialised yet.
I just suspect it's because I'm quiet, this exact thing happened with my partner's female friend, she even made a comment in front of me about how she didn't like people that were too quiet.
I think some people just want a very big personality and constant talking but I just have to accept that's their preference.
I will try to not take it personally and analyse, just wish people were more upfront and didn't waste your time with fake pleasantries and messages.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 11:56:00

Exactly she has no children or partner, she has time for these events or whatever, she even told me she chooses her own work hours, majority of people in such circumstances could very easily find an hour spare in their life for a walk, she just can't be arsed.

H1954 Fri 28-May-21 12:01:06

Personally, I wouldn't bother any longer! She clearly does not want to meet up and stringing you along by making arrangements to only go and cancel the day before is unkind and unacceptable.
Sever all ties and get in with your own's her deserve so much better.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 12:24:41

I was tempted to message her about it, not in an aggressive or nasty way but just being assertive and saying that we will just leave it as I gather she's not interested and has messed me about. But not even worth it I know.

Doodledog Fri 28-May-21 12:42:21

I wouldn't be too hasty.

As you say, you don't know her well. Something may have happened in her life - a bereavement, an illness, you just don't know. You taking offence might make her feel worse. Also, jut because someone appears to be online doesn't necessarily mean that they are. They may leave their computer online all the time, someone else might be using it, or they may be online but busy with other things.

I agree with the suggestion to drop her a message saying that you will leave the ball in her court, then get on with your life. She may or may not get back in touch, but either way, you have burnt no bridges.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 12:46:40

Maybe, but wouldn't the person just say ? She's still going to these events and so on, don't see why it's so hard for people to say sorry I'm not up for meeting atm due to illness/personal reasons etc. Rather than making these false plans then keep cancelling?
I am sorry for her if anything has happened but it doesn't mean you can mess others about several times.

Calendargirl Fri 28-May-21 12:55:12

she texted me to cancel as she had to babysit in the end

But you say she has no children, and presumably no GC, so I wonder who she was babysitting for? (Could well be a friend obviously).

She got in touch with you in the first place, when she moved back to the area. I don’t want to sound harsh, but she probably got in touch with other old acquaintances also, and maybe finds their company more her thing.

I would leave it, as others have said. Let her make the next move, then you decide if you want to carry on meeting. If you hear nothing, that’s her loss, not yours.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 12:58:22

If she doesn't like my company that's fair enough, though a bit hurtful but nothing I can do.
What's irritating is that some grown adults are so pathetic they think the 'kinder' way is to make false plans (which also inconveniences me as I've made these arrangements which never materialise) and eventually not reply, hoping I'll 'get the message' .

JaneJudge Fri 28-May-21 12:59:11

There is nothing wrong with being quiet smile

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 13:01:43

Thank you smile you're right, and luckily some of my friends are also quieter and they don't mind.
It just seems very similar to the situation with my partner's friend.
She was so overly enthusiastic in person about us meeting up, reeling out a list of all these things we could do, then when I messaged her for a coffee, she pretended to agree to it then just stopped replying, and when I tried again a couple of months later she just did the same thing. It's really pathetic in my eyes.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 23:08:15

Still no reply, just can't believe it.

BlueberryPie Fri 28-May-21 23:14:43


Yeah you're right I definitely won't send anything again. Just don't get why people do this, if she doesn't actually want to meet up I'd rather know.

I think many people would have a hard time rejecting someone right in their face so people are expected to catch on, as you are doing here. However, it does seem like she's encouraging you more than necessary to get that point across. So it could be she's somewhat interested but not enough to bother with it too much when the time comes, or that she has some other issue, which could be social anxiety or many other things. But yeah, I agree that she's had enough chances so I'd just let it go unless she contacts you again.

Shangela123 Fri 28-May-21 23:53:04

She seemed really nice, I don't understand. Don't think it's social anxiety as she's out at other events etc. But anyway, her loss and I'll just delete her.