Stroppy Teenager or is it me?

grandmac

Oopsadaisy I think you were quite right. How many times have we said of some poor assaulted girl " why was she out on her own" and "where were her parents" etc. Your house your rules.

I would never say (or even think) that a 17 year old who was assaulted was in any way to blame for the act of someone else. 9.00 pm is not late at night, and I wouldn’t blame her parents either.

Oopsadaisy has updated though, and all’s well that ends well ?

I have a 17 year old. We live in a large city in the US, so that will make a difference in my opinion.

Based on what you described, if my daughter had wanted to go in the dark in an unfamiliar wooded area, I would have said no. I would have also explained to her why and offered to discuss a compromise. Something like:

I know I am not your parent, but I am responsible for your safety while you are here. I am uncomfortable you being out alone at night in a less populated area you are unfamiliar with. How about you go out about in town where there are more people?

Unless, of course, it is just not safe. Then it is a "no, it is not safe" while thinking "you will thank me someday when you have kids.

I find the best way to keep a teenager not stroppy is to talk to them like the adults they almost are. Though, as we all know, sometimes teens just WANT to be stroppy and nothing you say/do will matter.

it is complete nonsense though for someone to say that if anything happened to her you OP could face a hefty fine or prison.
that is makes no sense.
a person aged 16 may go to live where they like.
so i'm sure they can choose whether to stay in or out.
and it's nobody's fault if anything amiss happens except the perp.
anyway, OP glad it all sorted out Ok.
i can understand your feelings.
just don't like the law being misrepresented.

I wouldn’t have been happy either. She’s my responsibility whilst in my home. What she does at home is completely different, familiar territory.
It’s not just about other people, she could have had an accident or just got lost. Anything. You did right Ooops

I would have said no, too. At law, you are responsible for her, and should anything happen to her, you may well face a hefty fine or prison , When she is an adult, she can do what she wants... and maybe then, she won't feel she has to test your patience, and her limits. Explain this to her, and what you said to us, too, please.

Oopsadaisy I think you were quite right. How many times have we said of some poor assaulted girl " why was she out on her own" and "where were her parents" etc. Your house your rules.

Chestnut, that’s as maybe but I am comfortable with giving my ten year old more freedom than others might - but maybe that’s because of where we live.

I left home at 16 and lived alone in a bedsit. I hitch hiked everywhere with a friend and on my own. London Bournemouth Bristol Wales no problem wherever we wanted to go for a night out. But then a young girl called Barbara Mayo got murdered hitching and her body was found by the side of a motorway. I never hitch hiked after that, didn't go out in the dark alone; suddenly it hit home what dangers were out there. I'd been on the same road as her the week before.
Your DGD will slowly learn about danger but at 17 she is probably ok to go out alone for a short walk. We all have to let go of the reins sometime.

I wouldn't listen to anyone telling you that you are smothering..you did just the right thing...I wonder if it had been their grandchild wanting to go alone, to an isolated, dark, wooded recreation ground, on a stormy night, where they knew nobody, and quite possibly wouldn't have a phone signal, if they would be comfortable with that..knowing the parents would hold them responsible if anything happened to their daughter... I don't think so somehow... so I wouldn't feel guilty at all.. and if your grandaughter couldn't see the reasoning behind why you were worried I'm afraid she probably isn't quite grown up enough to deal with the unexpected just yet..the only extra thing I would say is, maybe, as some suggested, tell her next time, if she really wants to go that she has to ring her mother for advice first.. and maybe set out a few ground rules with her parents to begin with.. when my boys were young they knew that whichever grandparent was looking after them was the one who set the rules and they should respect that. I do remember being 17 and thinking I knew everything too..it's only with hindsight that you realise you really don't.. I'm sure your grandaughter loves you and really knows you are looking after her safety, so don't worry...it sounds to me like you do a great job.. better than all those families who don't give a damn what their children are up to!

As far as I am concerned even at 17 your house your rules. She was in your care and her parents put their trust in you to take care of her. In your place I would have done the same. It is not smothering it is making her view her responsibility towards safety. At 17 they think they are immortal and we know from many sad events this is not the case. Good on you, do not apologise, explain your reasons. You woke up the next morning with a safe and sound 17 year old many people do not.

I’m finding that I’m only as lovely as my last argument with them! If you see what I mean.
They are good kids and have much more freedom when they are at home as they meet up with their school mates and go shopping or wander around the town where they live (all within walking distance).
So I get their point that as they get older the countryside is less appealing, especially as I feel the same way!

I understand what you are saying, she is staying with you and is your responsibility, yes, she is 17, but under your roof in an area she doesn’t know. I think I would have done the same for my own piece of mind. I am sure she would have been perfectly safe but……. and there is always that but in your mind. My daughter was very stroppy at that age, and the four or five years before!!

That is really good, Oopsadaisy1, you sound like a lovely nanna!

UPDATE
Thanks for all of your replies.
GD came downstairs after midnight to say sorry, I told her that I thought that I was probably being overprotective and told her that we would go out into the Village the next day and I would show her the short cuts, places to avoid and where to go to get mobile reception. Which we did.
The next morning she was her usual sunny self.
We went out the next evening together for a walk and for her to take some photos of the sunset for her A level homework.
She will not even contemplate smoking, ditto drinking alcohol, she can make phone calls from the privacy of her bedroom here, if her door is closed we do not enter.
I spoke to her Mum who was away for a few days and she said that as the Grandparent I did the right thing. She might have done things differently but it was my call.
I appreciate that back in the day we were all off out and about , although usually with a friend or with a crowd.
My point was that it was (for her) a place that was unfamiliar, and to the other remarks from posters on here,I would have said the same thing to my Grandson, although he does Karate I still would be uncomfortable, if they had friends here to meet up with I would have let them meet up with them.

Thanks though, the replies have been interesting.

Being a grandparent is a whole lot different from being a parent. Always better to err on the side of caution in this sort of thing, especially as she was alone and not even with a few friends.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Her personal safety while she was staying with you was paramount. Well done for having the courage to insist. I can't have been easy.

17 is in the category of older teenager, not young teenager.

The past is a foreign country, PaperMonster. They do things differently there.

If I’d have been her, I’d have just gone and just let you know. When I was 15 I moved from a town where I could go off on my own, get the bus into town or with friends I’d go to a nearby city or coastal resort. Then all this was taken away from me and I went a bit stir crazy! There wasn’t even a bus!

geekesse

Perhaps she wanted a cigarette?

Just what I thought! I used to do that back in the day, but I was 16 and wouldn'tve gone out on my own under the circumstances you describe OP. X

I too would have refused to let her go on her own. Perhaps I watch too many true crime documentaries, or have a too vivid imagination, but there are more than a few occasions when young women have been stalked and attacked by men in lonely places. You would never forgive yourself if anything happened to her and she probably doesn’t realise how attractive she must seem to men.

Hithere

Chestnut

No I don't hate men at all

I hate all women are paying the price for the few rapists/murderes and staying home for their safety while men get free reign everywhere.

That's just not true. Young teenage boys are not safe alone at night in isolated areas just the same as women, and are even less safe in city streets where they might get attacked. You are forgetting all the teenage boys who have been stabbed by gangs.
What age is it safe for a young man to walk alone at night in a lonely unfamiliar area?
ALL teenagers need to take sensible precautions to keep themselves safe, so don't make this just about females.

And if you are concerned about womens safety then you would be advising women not to have any relationships with men as that is where the risk lies not walking in a rural area.

Chestnut

No I don't hate men at all

I hate all women are paying the price for the few rapists/murderes and staying home for their safety while men get free reign everywhere.

Elaine1, I did all those things you did, lived by myself from 16 in central London. Unfortunately the world has changed and peoples mentalities have changed as well.

I wouldn’t have been happy for my granddaughter to go out at that age to an isolated area.