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Do I expect too much from a relationship?

(41 Posts)
Goodynanny Sun 20-Jun-21 02:17:00

My husband died 6 years ago. We had been together for 44 years since I was 14. I was absolutely devastated. I am now 63.
Three years ago I reconnected with a man I had befriended many years before. He was divorced, attractive, romantic, sexy, kind and generous and just a year younger than me. Everything I could wish for in a man. He was very affectionate, always wanting to kiss and cuddle, he made me laugh, told me and everyone else, that he loved me and would do anything for me. We had sex occasionally, but it was mostly about giving me pleasure. I did wonder about this, but didn’t dwell on it. I fell in love with him.
Fast forward a year and we decided to live together. He moved to my area, got a new local job, and moved in with me. He says he loves living in the country, (he was in a city before). I’ve got a lovely house, and he now only works part time. We’ve got two dogs and a cat now too.
Since then I have discovered that he drinks far too much, has diabetes and erectile dysfunction. He’s still kind and generous, and says he loves me. He gets on well with my family and friends and is now cutting down on his drinking.
My problem is there is not much affection. We sleep in separate rooms, there’s very little kissing and cuddling. I feel like he’s a different person to the one I was with during that first year. I somehow feel that maybe I’ve been played! I try to talk to him about it, but it always ends in a row.
I’ve realised that to be happy I really need affection and to feel that he finds me attractive. It’s not so much the lack of sex (though I wouldn’t say no), it’s just the feeling that we are more like housemates.
I would miss him dreadfully if he did move out.
Am I wanting too much from a relationship at my age? Should I just be glad that I’m not alone and I have someone that loves me?.

Jaffacake2 Sun 20-Jun-21 07:15:58

I am sorry for the loss of your husband and wonder whether after 44 happy years together you were looking to fill the void with this relationship. Although you would miss this man's company you would also miss the negativity it brings. By this I mean the insecurity that he may not find you attractive and why he is sleeping in another room. The worries about his drinking and his health. Maybe finances as you said he now works parttime. Is it your own house ? Has he played you for a free home ?
Sorry but there seems to be an imbalance in the relationship. Sometimes it is better to have lonely times on your own rather than within an unhappy relationship.

Riverwalk Sun 20-Jun-21 08:05:49

I knew it was coming .....

and moved in with me

I never understand why women allow this! I bet he was attentive and affectionate before he moved in. And he gets to only work part-time too - win win for him.

Personally I would ask him to leave, but I expect you won't do that.

You're only 63 - this man's health is going to deteriorate and then you'll be his carer.

Newatthis Sun 20-Jun-21 08:11:49

I tend to agree with you Riverwalk but I think that, she knew him for a year before he moved in, during which time it would seem to be a very good relationship Now though it would seem not so I think I would rethink it and perhaps just keep him as a friend and companion.

Grammaretto Sun 20-Jun-21 08:26:46

None of us are getting any younger. He sounds like a good person with health problems.
Some people I know, who don't want to be lonely in retirement have started an initiative to share a large house and form a community. they are brave grin

Only you know whether this man and you are happier together or apart.
Nobody knows what the future holds.

Nonogran Sun 20-Jun-21 10:33:29

He’s onto a good thing isn’t he? Another chap who needs a housekeeper! His health will likely deteriorate if his drinking continues & you will be his carer. Good luck with that!

greenlady102 Sun 20-Jun-21 10:38:40

I don't think you fell in love with him....I think you fell in love with the part he was playing.....and I think you might think this too.....
be really careful is all I will say.

timetogo2016 Sun 20-Jun-21 10:43:49

I`m with greenlady102.

cornishpatsy Sun 20-Jun-21 10:54:50

You say that you would miss him dreadfully if he moved out so I am assuming that you still have good times together.

There are many older people in sexless but happy relationships but only you can decide if what you have is enough for you.

Luckygirl Sun 20-Jun-21 11:12:22

I think cornishpatsy has it right. There are many who would be happy with the relationship that you have with this new man; but it is all about expectations. What he wants may not be what you want. The drinking would worry me more than the lack of sex.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 20-Jun-21 12:32:06

I don't think you expect too much from a relationship, but I do think you might be wise to reconsider the one you have right now.

Being a cynical old wife, an alarm bell rang in my head when I read that he has moved in with you and now only works part time.

Well and good if he is paying his share of your expenses, not good at all if you are supporting him.

Next alarm bell went off when you say he drinks too much - he shouldn't be drinking at all with diabetes!

Are you glad you are not alone? To me it sounds as if you are not.

In your place I would seriously consider telling him NOW that living together is a mistake and that you would like him to move out.

I doubt it will be easy getting him to agree to that, but unless you are certain that no sex, too much drink etc. is something you are willing and able to put up with, the sooner you break it off the better.

Hithere Sun 20-Jun-21 12:32:44

Another vote for green lady

The deal breaker for me here is that he is an alcoholic or on the fast lane to become one.
He would need to address the addiction or live on his own.

sodapop Sun 20-Jun-21 12:38:35

I agree with greenlady's assessment as well. Time to rethink this relationship and see if you care enough to look after him in the coming years. Tough decision though Goodynanny

Goodynanny Sun 20-Jun-21 15:00:59

Thanks to all of you. I’m so confused. I love this man and would be heartbroken if we separated. I guess We need to have a conversation and then I need to make a decision.

Goodynanny Sun 20-Jun-21 15:08:02

I should have mentioned that he’s getting help for his drinking. He drinks because of a past trauma.

Welshwife Sun 20-Jun-21 16:13:23

My husband became an alcoholic after nearly 20 years and continued until he died - they will find excuses why they do it but I think it is because they like it and it becomes habit forming. When drinking continues it needs a good flow of funds to finance it and they usually find it from somewhere never mind the problems that causes.
You have had some very wise advice * goodnanny* read it again and think about acting on it.

Goodynanny Sun 20-Jun-21 17:22:41

Also we’ve now been together for 3 years.

Hithere Sun 20-Jun-21 17:28:43

3 years is nothing compared to the years you have left in this earth.

I know you love him but please think with your brain, not heart

nadateturbe Sun 20-Jun-21 17:39:26

You may love him but does he make you happy? Does he give you what you need? It has to be two way. Will you regret being together in say 5 years time when its harder to change things. And drinking would alarm me.

BlueBelle Sun 20-Jun-21 18:01:06

I’m so confused. I love this man and would be heartbroken if we separated
If this statement is true then you would accept his faults and would know you have true love, not perfect by a long way but certainly worth working on, and you wouldn’t be asking for advise from strangers
You must have doubts and to be honest only you can know if it’s worth working on or not, 63 is young, do you have good times, do you do things together, talk, have similar likes and dislikes If he’s working on his problems and you truely love him, give it another year to see if he’s serious about his health drinking etc if not give it the boot

eazybee Sun 20-Jun-21 18:02:00

There seem to be many positives in your relationship, but something has triggered your doubts about it.

Is he an alcoholic?
Is he living off you?
Does he just not measure up to your husband?

As you say, time for a good hard think.

Katie59 Sun 20-Jun-21 19:54:25

Drinking too much is bad as is diabetes, you’re definitely not too old to expect affection and intimacy, I would definitely want him in my bed for affection and cuddles if nothing else. His ED problem is probably fear of failure so sleeping separately is his answer

welbeck Sun 20-Jun-21 20:02:51

so how s this different from having a lodger, or s they say over on MN, a c-cklodger ?

Jaxjacky Sun 20-Jun-21 20:42:42

Goodynanny if in your heart of hearts there is obviously doubt or you wouldn’t have posted here. Re read the advice given, have a proper chat with him, I wish you well.

BrandyGran Mon 21-Jun-21 16:22:44

Tell him you would like a trial separation because of- then explain your concerns same as your post to us. You must have this conversation now as it will eat away at any feeling you have for him.