Do I expect too much from a relationship?

I am sorry for the loss of your husband and wonder whether after 44 happy years together you were looking to fill the void with this relationship. Although you would miss this man's company you would also miss the negativity it brings. By this I mean the insecurity that he may not find you attractive and why he is sleeping in another room. The worries about his drinking and his health. Maybe finances as you said he now works parttime. Is it your own house ? Has he played you for a free home ?
Sorry but there seems to be an imbalance in the relationship. Sometimes it is better to have lonely times on your own rather than within an unhappy relationship.

I knew it was coming .....

and moved in with me

I never understand why women allow this! I bet he was attentive and affectionate before he moved in. And he gets to only work part-time too - win win for him.

Personally I would ask him to leave, but I expect you won't do that.

You're only 63 - this man's health is going to deteriorate and then you'll be his carer.

I tend to agree with you Riverwalk but I think that, she knew him for a year before he moved in, during which time it would seem to be a very good relationship Now though it would seem not so I think I would rethink it and perhaps just keep him as a friend and companion.

None of us are getting any younger. He sounds like a good person with health problems.
Some people I know, who don't want to be lonely in retirement have started an initiative to share a large house and form a community. they are brave
www.facebook.com/choisscoho/

Only you know whether this man and you are happier together or apart.
Nobody knows what the future holds.

He’s onto a good thing isn’t he? Another chap who needs a housekeeper! His health will likely deteriorate if his drinking continues & you will be his carer. Good luck with that!

I don't think you fell in love with him....I think you fell in love with the part he was playing.....and I think you might think this too.....
be really careful is all I will say.

I`m with greenlady102.

You say that you would miss him dreadfully if he moved out so I am assuming that you still have good times together.

There are many older people in sexless but happy relationships but only you can decide if what you have is enough for you.

I think cornishpatsy has it right. There are many who would be happy with the relationship that you have with this new man; but it is all about expectations. What he wants may not be what you want. The drinking would worry me more than the lack of sex.

I don't think you expect too much from a relationship, but I do think you might be wise to reconsider the one you have right now.

Being a cynical old wife, an alarm bell rang in my head when I read that he has moved in with you and now only works part time.

Well and good if he is paying his share of your expenses, not good at all if you are supporting him.

Next alarm bell went off when you say he drinks too much - he shouldn't be drinking at all with diabetes!

Are you glad you are not alone? To me it sounds as if you are not.

In your place I would seriously consider telling him NOW that living together is a mistake and that you would like him to move out.

I doubt it will be easy getting him to agree to that, but unless you are certain that no sex, too much drink etc. is something you are willing and able to put up with, the sooner you break it off the better.

Another vote for green lady

The deal breaker for me here is that he is an alcoholic or on the fast lane to become one.
He would need to address the addiction or live on his own.

I agree with greenlady's assessment as well. Time to rethink this relationship and see if you care enough to look after him in the coming years. Tough decision though Goodynanny

Thanks to all of you. I’m so confused. I love this man and would be heartbroken if we separated. I guess We need to have a conversation and then I need to make a decision.

I should have mentioned that he’s getting help for his drinking. He drinks because of a past trauma.

My husband became an alcoholic after nearly 20 years and continued until he died - they will find excuses why they do it but I think it is because they like it and it becomes habit forming. When drinking continues it needs a good flow of funds to finance it and they usually find it from somewhere never mind the problems that causes.
You have had some very wise advice * goodnanny* read it again and think about acting on it.

Also we’ve now been together for 3 years.

3 years is nothing compared to the years you have left in this earth.

I know you love him but please think with your brain, not heart

You may love him but does he make you happy? Does he give you what you need? It has to be two way. Will you regret being together in say 5 years time when its harder to change things. And drinking would alarm me.

I’m so confused. I love this man and would be heartbroken if we separated
If this statement is true then you would accept his faults and would know you have true love, not perfect by a long way but certainly worth working on, and you wouldn’t be asking for advise from strangers
You must have doubts and to be honest only you can know if it’s worth working on or not, 63 is young, do you have good times, do you do things together, talk, have similar likes and dislikes If he’s working on his problems and you truely love him, give it another year to see if he’s serious about his health drinking etc if not give it the boot

There seem to be many positives in your relationship, but something has triggered your doubts about it.

Is he an alcoholic?
Is he living off you?
Does he just not measure up to your husband?

As you say, time for a good hard think.

Drinking too much is bad as is diabetes, you’re definitely not too old to expect affection and intimacy, I would definitely want him in my bed for affection and cuddles if nothing else. His ED problem is probably fear of failure so sleeping separately is his answer

so how s this different from having a lodger, or s they say over on MN, a c-cklodger ?

Goodynanny if in your heart of hearts there is obviously doubt or you wouldn’t have posted here. Re read the advice given, have a proper chat with him, I wish you well.

Tell him you would like a trial separation because of- then explain your concerns same as your post to us. You must have this conversation now as it will eat away at any feeling you have for him.