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Stepdaughter has changed since becoming a detective?

(40 Posts)
Stepingran Tue 20-Jul-21 12:57:48

AIBU my stepdaughter of 35 years, who is now 44 and has been in the Police-force since 1975 has become very unpleasant and impossible to socialise with. Very rude, demanding and expects all of us her family to jump when she needs us to. Her birthmother's family have completely cut her off, she and her partner have borrow thousands of £ from them and my husband and I gave them £50.000 last year to help their credit status and I know my husband has given them even more. She has a two year old son, whom we have hardly seen and we are both so sad about it. We have downsized and are careful with our financed but I feel our daughter is expecting more money from us. They borrow money to buy cars, motorbikes and go on expensive holidays. I am so fed up with always having to be understanding because of her demanding job and have always loved her like my own, she is now refusing to see me and told her father that I am one of the reasons she doesn't visit anymore. What can I do I miss my little grandson and would like for my DH sake to heal our relationship

Namsnanny Tue 20-Jul-21 13:04:22

Please do nothing.

There is previous can do anyway. If she doesnt want to see you, she wont.

The reason I say do nothing is because it looks like she is using her child and the relationship with her Father to manipulate you or both of you

Nest of luck

Namsnanny Tue 20-Jul-21 13:05:03

Typos grrr!

Katie59 Tue 20-Jul-21 13:16:17

She is using you as a cash cow, just say no and look after your own finances, other than that carry on as if nothing has happened.
She chose the police service and can get a less stressful job if she can’t tolerate it.

rafichagran Tue 20-Jul-21 13:21:25

Do not give her any more money, she is devious and greedy, it tells you something that not only her birth Mother have cut her off but so have the whole side of that family.
It's up to your husband, but he should not give her any money either. If he chooses too it should not affect your finances.

sodapop Tue 20-Jul-21 13:26:01

Agree Katie59 that's a lot of money to give away.

M0nica Tue 20-Jul-21 13:27:17

Stepingran What a sad, sad position to be in and it is difficult to see a solution .

But the first question that arises is why you and your DH gave her all this money that is wasted on a high living life style? Money does not buy love and surely her behaviour to you since you gave her money shows this only too well. Saying that you are the cause of the estrangement was just an easy excuse to grab on, it is very fashionable on Mumsnet, I understand.

I think the time has come for some tough love. First shut the bank doors and your wallets. Tell her that there will be no money coming her way from you or your DH. She has a good job, as no doubt has her husband, and they earn enough to keep themselves comfortably.

You must also stop jumping to her command. Just say 'No', a simple word, only two letters. Said quietly, firmly and repeatedly without a change of mind. She will, of course, use access to your grandson to try to make you change your minds, but since she is already cutting him off from you, it will not make the situation any worse than it is now.

You say she has a demanding job and this explains her behaviour. I think there is something more behind it than just that. What it is I have no idea, and I am not going to start guessing.

Do you know the Greek Legend of the Gordian Knot?
A n ox cart was tied to a pole by a knot so complicated no one could undo it, but to the person who did unravel the knot was promised great riches. Lots of peolple tried to undo it but none succeeded, then one day Alexander the Great appeared. he looked at the knot, pulled out his sword and cut the knot. And became emperor of the known world.

This is what you have done, first you ahve tied the knot, with money and subservience that only makes matters worse, now you want to unravel it. Don't waste you rtime, get a knife and cut it.

By the way of your SD is 44 (born 1976/7). How did she manage to join the police force in 1975? or should it be 1995, qlthough even that sounds unlikely.

timetogo2016 Tue 20-Jul-21 13:30:59

Remind her that you are not the criminals so don`t treat us as such.
they are both working so you and dh should notindulge them.
They want nice things,they pay for them out of their own pocket end of.
As for your gs,very sad but you can`t be held to ransom.

poshpaws Tue 20-Jul-21 14:00:30

Totally agree with what Namsnanny just said.

Your stepdaughter has been in a well paid, secure job since 1975, and yet has still scrounged more money than many people will see in their lifetime. She's not even grateful! She sounds like a greedy, selfish, manipulative person and I agree that she's using your step-grandson as a tool/weapon against you.

I appreciate that it hurts you not to see the little one, but try imagining that she'd emigrated with him, as so many people's children do. They cope: you can too.

You truly are best to let this toxic woman out of your life.

Your husband can always meet with her alone if he feels he absolutely must, but I think he'd be foolish to do so. And as your finances are presumably joint, please impress on him that it would be unfair and outrageous of him to give her any more of your JOINT money. flowers

welbeck Tue 20-Jul-21 16:36:00

if you have joint accounts, maybe withdraw half the money and open your own account, put it in there.
just to be on the safe side.
good luck.

Jaxjacky Tue 20-Jul-21 16:53:28

Good observation MOnica you could be a detective.

muffinthemoo Tue 20-Jul-21 16:59:25

I would be concerned as her superior if I saw a detective living a lavish, cash rich lifestyle.

eazybee Tue 20-Jul-21 18:41:10

Your step-daughter is 44 and has been working in the Police Force since 1975, so working since two years before she was born??
You gave her £50,000 and your husband even more, so that is over £100,000, to improve their credit ratings? Really??

Ask for the immediate return of your money and inform her superior if you don't get it. Very suspicious lifestyle.

M0nica Tue 20-Jul-21 20:55:26

eazybee I said I wouldn't guess at what was behind the rudeness, but I will. She is clearly drowning in debt.

Now police officers, like bank employees, have to have well managed finances, because there is too much temptation in their way should they get into debt. So credit ratings will be watched as will, possibly, bank accounts. Her superiors are likely to monitor all serving officers for signs of living above their income.

If she is constantly in debt or her credit rating is sinking, then she is vulnerable to anyone outside the force who knows. She may also be under pressure from her superiors to improve her credit rating.

If that is what is happening, then I suspect that is why you gave her all this money, call it a loan if you want, because her job is in danger if she didn't improve her credit rating.

But this cannot go on for ever. Sometime it has to stop and the longer it goes on the worse it gets. The time to stop is now.

Chewbacca Tue 20-Jul-21 21:09:23

Those dates don't add up at all. hmm

Bluebellwould Tue 20-Jul-21 21:47:17

Absolutely agree with the dates. Is this a true post?

M0nica Tue 20-Jul-21 23:19:27

I also wonder, for a host of reasons. Perhaps the OP could return and reassure us.

muffinthemoo Tue 20-Jul-21 23:23:41


Your step-daughter is 44 and has been working in the Police Force since 1975, so working since two years before she was born??
You gave her £50,000 and your husband even more, so that is over £100,000, to improve their credit ratings? Really??

Ask for the immediate return of your money and inform her superior if you don't get it. Very suspicious lifestyle.

She was born a grass?

cornishpatsy Tue 20-Jul-21 23:27:14

It is obviously a typo, probably 1995.

welbeck Wed 21-Jul-21 02:46:04

you know the way it's a sign of getting old, when police look like school kids, well this one was even younger than that !
minus 2 somehow.

BlueBelle Wed 21-Jul-21 06:25:42

I can see how all this would be upsetting to you but it sounds awfully far fetched Your step daughter joined the police before she was born ( maybe typo) and had her first and only child at 42 they borrow sums of money that would make my eyes water and buy cars, motorbikes and expensive holidays with a 2 year old and a demanding job why do they need carS and motorbikeS and when do they get the chance to use them all ??? if parents have a lot of disposable money I can understand them giving a child help to a much needed house deposit or a car to replace an aging one but just handing out money like sweets to a daughter who has a well paid job
( detective) is ridiculous… you say you gave her £50, 000 and her Dad even more and her birth mother again huge sums of money, aren’t they any warning bells amongst any of you ???
This doesn’t really add up

M0nica Wed 21-Jul-21 07:04:37

Please OP post again. Our doubts must be hurtful, if unjustified, but a site like this does draw people who get perverse pleasure from winding us up with spoof problems, so we do get doubtful about some stories and sometimes we are right and sometimes wrong.

Ashcombe Wed 21-Jul-21 07:27:18

The search facility reveals this to be the only post from OP so I’m reporting it.

cornishpatsy Wed 21-Jul-21 12:03:40

Well if this is a new poster I can see why this forum has a limited numbers of posters.

Reported on what grounds? Possible typo and hasn’t posted with that name before.

Maggiemaybe Wed 21-Jul-21 12:16:38

She was born a grass?

Nice comment about somebody else's daughter.