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Stepdaughter has changed since becoming a detective?

(41 Posts)
Stepingran Tue 20-Jul-21 12:57:48

AIBU my stepdaughter of 35 years, who is now 44 and has been in the Police-force since 1975 has become very unpleasant and impossible to socialise with. Very rude, demanding and expects all of us her family to jump when she needs us to. Her birthmother's family have completely cut her off, she and her partner have borrow thousands of £ from them and my husband and I gave them £50.000 last year to help their credit status and I know my husband has given them even more. She has a two year old son, whom we have hardly seen and we are both so sad about it. We have downsized and are careful with our financed but I feel our daughter is expecting more money from us. They borrow money to buy cars, motorbikes and go on expensive holidays. I am so fed up with always having to be understanding because of her demanding job and have always loved her like my own, she is now refusing to see me and told her father that I am one of the reasons she doesn't visit anymore. What can I do I miss my little grandson and would like for my DH sake to heal our relationship

muffinthemoo Wed 21-Jul-21 12:26:03


^She was born a grass?^

Nice comment about somebody else's daughter.

….it was clearly a joke given the context of someone being a police officer before they were even conceived?

Maggiemaybe Wed 21-Jul-21 12:34:43

Stepingran, it does look as though you have to some extent enabled your stepdaughter's behaviour, by caving in to requests for money that don't seem to have gone on things she and her family really needed. Could there be other issues you haven't told us about or maybe don't know about (gambling or other addictions?). She has a reasonably well paid job (at least £40k if, as I assume, you meant to say that she joined the police service in 1995) - does her partner work as well?

No matter how demanding her job and stressful her life though, there's no justification for her treating other people in the way you describe. I wish you well and hope you can somehow heal the breach in your relationship - it must be particularly hard to be kept from your grandchild. But please don't give her any more money!

nanna8 Wed 21-Jul-21 13:29:03

If and when the OP returns I would make a comment. Sorry but I have a suspicious nature and feel someone might be having a lend of us. Apologies if I am wrong.

TrendyNannie6 Wed 21-Jul-21 13:50:48

Incredulous that you would be handing money out like that, her birth mothers family have cut her off as they have given them thousands of pounds they borrow money to buy cars and motorbikes and expensive holidays, your stepdaughter is rude demanding and expects everyone to jump, and then says you are one reason she doesn’t visit anymore, words fail me! She is obviously knows she’s upsetting you by not letting you both see your little grandchild, I do feel you have both enabled her to carry this lifestyle on, shut the bank of mum and dad, you say you feel your daughter is expecting more money from you, probably is, please do not give her more money, where is it going to end!

Maggiemaybe Wed 21-Jul-21 13:52:01


Well if this is a new poster I can see why this forum has a limited numbers of posters.

Reported on what grounds? Possible typo and hasn’t posted with that name before.

Agreed, cornishpatsy. From Gransnetiquette:

If you suspect someone of being a troll, please don't accuse them publicly on the discussion thread (if you're wrong, you could cause untold hurt)

Anybody really thinking this isn't a genuine OP can report to GNHQ - if they have reason to check, they will. Some of the comments on here aren't very welcoming or supportive to a new poster. And really, it's not surprising that she hasn't been back. Apologies are meaningless if you've chased someone off the site the first time they've posted.

Grammaretto Wed 21-Jul-21 15:20:39

I agree with the first reply. Just stop trying to please her.
I am also still reeling about your donating £50,000 to fund someone's love of cars and motorbikes.
Give it to a worthwhile charity instead.
who has that kind of money to give away??

M0nica Wed 21-Jul-21 17:24:49

Between the two families I reckon this lady could have been given as much as £200,000 to sort herself out, certainly more than £100,000. It was when I realised this that I became unsure of its veracity. Especially as the lady involved is a police officer.

Accepting this situation is true. I am left speechless that any family could hand out this kind of money to a family member who has a lifestyle of such reckless extravagence and where the money is known to have been used to fund this expenditure rather than just help her sort herself out and live within her income.

Whatever mess she is in now her family on both sides are complicit in encouraging and sanctioning this behaviour and neither cutting her out of the family, nor succumbing to emotional blackmail are doing anything but make her situation worse.

BlueBelle Wed 21-Jul-21 17:45:24

I don’t think I ll comment anymore until we have some clarity from the original poster so much doesn’t make sense

GillT57 Wed 21-Jul-21 18:02:24

Just one picky point; she is not 'borrowing' the money if she doesn't pay it back.

M0nica Wed 21-Jul-21 22:41:25

Plenty of people who 'borrow' money, especially from family members, somehow never pay it back. I have given money to family members, but when it is a loan it comes with a payment schedule, with all the details in writing.

Money to pay off debt, always comes with a repayment schedule, that is monitored.

LightAmber Mon 06-Sep-21 08:52:18

AIBU my stepdaughter of 35 years, who is now 44 and has been in the Police-force since 1975

Since 2 years before she was born?

Lucca Mon 06-Sep-21 09:31:23


*AIBU my stepdaughter of 35 years, who is now 44 and has been in the Police-force since 1975*

Since 2 years before she was born?

Thread is nearly two months old.
OP has not returned. Probably no point posting any more ?

Neen Tue 12-Oct-21 00:06:51

I'm sorry your sad about this.
Let's start with some boundaries and short sentences perhaps.
For example .. " no I can't sorry, we have put some self care boundaries in place, I know you will want to respect them ".

It's hard to stick to it but after a month it gets easier. Then what you would have spent, spend on yourselves please x

BlueBelle Tue 12-Oct-21 06:02:09

Neen don’t bother your head trying to find an answer this thread didn’t add up and the poster hasn’t come back to explain so probably not what it seems

Ali08 Fri 15-Oct-21 18:27:40

I'm hoping 1975 was a typo.
Cut off her family-bank credit and call in those loans!!!
If this is true, then I'd assume they are trying to out-do the Joneses, trying to make colleagues & friends think they are living the highlife when in actuality they are living the lowlife because of all the debt they're in!!!
I wonder about the husband's family? Have they cut him off yet?