DH inviting people over for dinner

PinkCosmos, if my husband invited people - then he did all the cooking, tidying etc. I'd make a point of being otherwise occupied, so only able offer minimal help!

I don't want to leave my marriage. I just want to have an equal partner who understands the need for financial planning. If we could resolve this I would not feel so negative towards him in an emotional sense and our marriage would improve - and I need to tell him this!p

A marriage is between two people - two have to want to work on it

You are on board, your husband left the boat a long time ago

Talking to him wont make any difference. You need to stand up for yourself and avoid the grim future that is coming your way if you stay

FarNorth

I also suggest keeping quiet about the Retirement Mortgage idea, or any other possibility you have, until after the mortgage has become due and he has had to realise the position he's got you both into, through his selfishness.

This is basically my plan if he doesn't start contributing to the mortgage savings. He does not know how much I saved and I don't plan to tell him. He knows how much is owing on the mortgage though.

However, I really don't want things to get that far just so that I can say I told you so.

Hithere

I don't want to leave my marriage. I just want to have an equal partner who understands the need for financial planning. If we could resolve this I would not feel so negative towards him in an emotional sense and our marriage would improve - and I need to tell him this!p

A marriage is between two people - two have to want to work on it

You are on board, your husband left the boat a long time ago

Talking to him wont make any difference. You need to stand up for yourself and avoid the grim future that is coming your way if you stay

I don't think he has left the boat. He just sticks his head in the sand.

Financial security is important to me.

Financial security doesn't appear to be important to him. He always says that thinks will work out. This is to vague and airy fairy for me. His father (RIP) was much the same as DH. One of his sisters is the same. I don't know why.

OP,

You are not ready to leave him yet. I hope you will one day.

You are clearly not compatible.
Finance makes or breaks many marriages.

I really don't want things to get that far just so that I can say I told you so.

It's not so that you can say that - it's to try to shock him into realising how irresponsible he's being.

If you had been taking the same attitude as he does, what would be the result?

You've stopped making up for his carelessness, in some ways.
Keep to it with this, also.

He thinks that his guardian angel, or the universe, or something, is always making sure that he's all right.
It's not true but you are enabling him to think that.

You say he's lovely and kind. What is kind about keeping you in this constant state of anxiety over finances, through his own thoughtlessness?

My opinion - I would seriously consider marriage counselling. If you still love him and want to stay together, you need to take some action before it’s too late.
You’ve told him what you think and feel and he’s ignoring it. He’s not taking your concerns seriously. If this thoughtless, selfish behaviour continues, it’s likely that you’ll feel so disenchanted that at some point, there’ll be no marriage to save.
Sometimes, talking to a non judgmental third party can open up an actual discussion and both parties can see what’s needed. It could be the wake up call he needs. If he won’t participate, you can go alone to talk through options.
I feel so sorry for you - I’m a saver, planner too and could not bear this behaviour. I hate spur of the moment invitations as I need time to think and prepare. Plus, I couldn’t bear to think that I’d have money worries in retirement.
I really think you need to take some action now, before it’s too late.

PinkCosmos hate to go on, but public liability insurance does not cover him.

www.moneysupermarket.com/business-insurance/public-liability/faqs/

Many issues here, firstly what worries me most in your situation is he keeps 75% of his income and is overdrawn. That is a red flag to me.
Never never tell him you are saving to pay off the mortgage, if he gets his hands on your savings it is not going to last long.
As far as the bbs are concerned just say I'll be there but I'll arrive later so can't do anything, but it will be great getting back and having a meal waiting for me.
See what he says but make sure he knows you'll not be contributing to his idea of a good time.
He sounds a horrible human being who is trying to impress others, they probably laugh behind his back.

CleoPanda

My opinion - I would seriously consider marriage counselling. If you still love him and want to stay together, you need to take some action before it’s too late.
You’ve told him what you think and feel and he’s ignoring it. He’s not taking your concerns seriously. If this thoughtless, selfish behaviour continues, it’s likely that you’ll feel so disenchanted that at some point, there’ll be no marriage to save.
Sometimes, talking to a non judgmental third party can open up an actual discussion and both parties can see what’s needed. It could be the wake up call he needs. If he won’t participate, you can go alone to talk through options.
I feel so sorry for you - I’m a saver, planner too and could not bear this behaviour. I hate spur of the moment invitations as I need time to think and prepare. Plus, I couldn’t bear to think that I’d have money worries in retirement.
I really think you need to take some action now, before it’s too late.

I have considered going to marriage counselling but I am sure they would side with me re. the finances - who wouldn't.

I need to have a conversation with DH first and try to get through to him again. He would only need to give me a quarter of what he keeps for himself to get us on track to pay off the mortgage.

I have never been in a position to save in the past but have never lived beyond my means.

Like you CleoPanda I don't like spur of the moment invitations and need time to prepare.

On top of the mortgage I am worried about our financial situation when we retire. For this reason I doubt if I will stop working when I reach retirement age.

Leaving my DH would stress me out even more financially as my income would be drastically reduced.

Jeanie99 - Never never tell him you are saving to pay off the mortgage, if he gets his hands on your savings it is not going to last long.

He knows I am saving to pay off the mortgage. He does not know how much I have saved. He also knows that I can't possibly save enough. There is no way he can his hands on the money.

He also knows that we could probably downsize, but that isn't the point.

The only reason he has his own money is because I don't trust him with the joint account, which he doesn't have access to. He didn't have so much to himself originally but (due to his hard work, I have to say) he has been earning more money over the last year or so.

He is not a horrible person. He is well liked and very personable. The people he invites are close friends. He has no need to impress them.

*Far North You say he's lovely and kind. What is kind about keeping you in this constant state of anxiety over finances, through his own thoughtlessness?

Thank you for this excellent comment. This is what I need to emphasise to him. I don't think he is seeing it this way. He just thinks I am nagging and things will work out!!!

I have considered going to marriage counselling but I am sure they would side with me re. the finances - who wouldn't.

Why does that seem to be a reason for not getting counselling?

Counsellors are not supposed to 'side' with anyone, but to help you both to explore your situation and perhaps to see it in new ways.

I need to have a conversation with DH first and try to get through to him again. He would only need to give me a quarter of what he keeps for himself to get us on track to pay off the mortgage.

Can you hear how this sounds?
You are going to beg him to help pay for his, and your, home because he won't do that willingly.

He IS being horrible in his lack of regard for you, in many ways.

On top of the mortgage I am worried about our financial situation when we retire. For this reason I doubt if I will stop working when I reach retirement age.

Your plan is to keep whinging while he keeps ignoring you?

What happens when you can't work any longer?

I suggest you find out what your financial position would actually be, if you were to leave. It would include contributions from your husband.

Then tell him that your plan is to leave and be responsible for yourself only, because you can't keep carrying the burden that he causes.

Just a thought PinkCosmos you are obviously worried about the outstanding mortgage but your DH is not. Have you had the house a while is it a large mortgage. I know it’s rude to talk about money but this could make all the difference to how you look at things Mortgages today can be huge amounts £250k plus but if you have had the house a long time it could be no more than the amount of a decent car loan

rosie1959

Just a thought PinkCosmos you are obviously worried about the outstanding mortgage but your DH is not. Have you had the house a while is it a large mortgage. I know it’s rude to talk about money but this could make all the difference to how you look at things Mortgages today can be huge amounts £250k plus but if you have had the house a long time it could be no more than the amount of a decent car loan

The outstanding mortgage is about a quarter of the actual value of the house. The value has gone up since we bought it 23 years ago

If we couldn't pay it all off we could downsize and get something smaller.

Maybe I should stop stressing and accept that this is what we should do.

FarNorth Thank you for your comments. I agree that, from my viewpoint, he is being horrible to me in many ways.

Maybe counselling would make it seem more 'real' to him, than me just going on about it.

From his point of view, the mortgage isn't an issue. I don't think he is bothered where he lives. He said a few years ago that he would happily sell up and buy a camper and travel the world until the money ran out. When I said, Then where would we live', he said we would rent somewhere.

He isn't a worrier and just expects that things will work out.

Much of his family is the same. His sister and husband sold up and bought a motorhome to travel around Europe. They barely left the UK and ended up renting a house after about three years of 'travelling'. All of the money from their house had gone and they didn't get much back from the sale of the motorhome.

Financial security doesn't seem to be important to some people. I am not one of those people.

I don't whinge about the mortgage all the time. It usually comes up again when he has bought an expensive hobby item.

He won’t listen to reason so I don’t think he would listen to a counsellor let alone go to one. That is something you have to do together not alone. Try to talk to him again but don’t get stressed he is more laid back than you. He probably says you are whinging out of guilt he might be concerned about finance. I hope you can reach a compromise and stop the worry it’s causing you.

Try to salt away private funds for yourself alone, kept a secret from your husband. Does he inspect till receipts? Make sure the house belongs to you jointly.

If you feel worried about the mortgage payment perhaps you can put the house on the market without reference to him. Your husband seems to be unsafe as a financial partner.

Caleo the OP could not sell the house without reference to her husband

If your husband has always been like this do you really think he’s going to change?it seems you want to stay because you are scared to leave and change your standard of living.
Think carefully about the rest of your life, or you may be stuck in a difficult , perhaps loveless marriage when you arê to old to leave. I speak from bitter experience

Thanks Redhead56 for your comments. He is much more laid back than me. He is a more live for today kind of person whilst I worry about the future, especially now as we are getting older.

Caleo - I have the mortgage savings in my account now. If we do downsize I will keep the money and not put it into another house. The house would be in joint names. He doesn't check anything financial. I even sort out his accounts for him from his business.

Atqui - he has always been hopeless with money, which is why he doesn't have access to the joint account any more. However, he has always been good at earning money. What he does not seem to realise is that he will not have the same earning capacity as he gets older as he has a physical job.

I don't feel like I am in a loveless marriage. It makes me resentful that he does not take my concerns seriously.

Sorry, yes said you love him,- I should have said ‘unhappy’. Resentment dose not make for a happy relationship does it?

OP

What would you recommend a friend if she/he came to you with this same case?

You are not ready to leave him at all.
You are grasping as straws and all excuses and use "we"

You havent hit rock bottom yet.