DH inviting people over for dinner

Hithere

OP

What would you recommend a friend if she/he came to you with this same case?

You are not ready to leave him at all.
You are grasping as straws and all excuses and use "we"

You havent hit rock bottom yet.

I never said that I wanted to leave him. I just want him to get his head out of the sand

I would use 'we' if I was referring to downsizing the house. WE would buy another house.

No, I haven't hit rock bottom. I don't plan to.

Easy, next time be busy and take yourself off somewhere. He won't do it again. I hope he doesn't expect you to do any work for his guests.

Pinkcosmos My husband was exactly like yours but I left him when we were in our '40s'. It took 3 years for him to wake up and realise how important joint attitudes to finance are. We did really love each other and we did get back together. But we had enough time on our side and enough equity to start again.
We are now in our 80's and he is much more careful with everything and I am now the spendthrift.
Some of the contributers to this thread seem to be paragons of virtue and fairness and expect everyone to live by their incredibly high standards.
You sound pretty clued up about finances. Protect yourself as well as you can.
I would say do not get involved in the bbq lark. It may be possible that just one occasion of no input would solve the problem.

Oh, and when he complains about you leaving him to it, tell him to stop whinging.
It sounds a hard habit to break if you've condoned this all your married life.
He's no respect for you, and probably never has done.

blossom14

Pinkcosmos My husband was exactly like yours but I left him when we were in our '40s'. It took 3 years for him to wake up and realise how important joint attitudes to finance are. We did really love each other and we did get back together. But we had enough time on our side and enough equity to start again.
We are now in our 80's and he is much more careful with everything and I am now the spendthrift.
Some of the contributers to this thread seem to be paragons of virtue and fairness and expect everyone to live by their incredibly high standards.
You sound pretty clued up about finances. Protect yourself as well as you can.
I would say do not get involved in the bbq lark. It may be possible that just one occasion of no input would solve the problem.

Thank you Blossom14 for your comment. There have been times when he has agreed with me about our finances and I thought I was getting somewhere. I realsie that time isn't one our side now, which is making me twitchy

I was thinking the same about the paragons of virtue. I wonder if they would take their own advice.

I don't understand why some people always react with 'dump him' when someone posts with a problem with their OH. What happened to loyalty and working through things together. Obviously this would not apply if there was violence or abuse involved.

We are not exactly struggling financially and could downsize but my preference would be to save to pay off the mortgage

I invited our friends to a bbq today but they had a prior engagement. Ironically, I didn't consult DH first!! He would have been fine with it anyway

Using "we" shows you are still a team - he doesn't make you happy but want to remain - your call

You can take the horse to the water but horse may not want to drink
You only control your actions, not anybody else's.

I'd be furious to be told I am "whingeing" when it is his behaviour that is so out of order.

As others have said, he made the invitation, let him do the shopping, tidying up and cooking.

I'm sorry but, from what you are saying, he is irresponsible and selfish and has no right to call you a whinger. I think most people would be whingeing very loudly in your situation.

have you heard of co-dependence ?

Of course DH would be okay with you inviting people for a barbecue without consulting him.
You'd be doing all the work, as usual!

Yes, I would be leaving if I had a husband as selfish as yours.
I did have a husband who took no interest in our finances, but he didn't keep huge chunks of money for himself while telling me to shut up with the whingeing.

As you say, tho, you're probably best to just keep quiet and accept that you'll be downsizing.
You'll be the one doing all the work for that too, of course.

PinkCosmos, "I don't understand why some people always react with 'dump him' when someone posts with a problem with their OH. What happened to loyalty and working through things together. Obviously this would not apply if there was violence or abuse involved".

I agree with what you said. If we all left our OHs every time there was an issue, most of us would be divorced by now!

Sounds like you still love your DH, and you still want to be married to him. But you obviously need to give him a few home truths about his reluctance to sort out your finances/mortgage, and get it paid off, so you can both eventually retire and not have to worry about it!

My parents had very little money in their early days, and when my Dad started to earn a good salary, he liked to spend money, was overly generous, and never bothered to save. He liked to enjoy himself and thought the money would last forever! Years later, they got into difficulties financially, and lost our home. Mum & Dad adored each other, and stuck together through the hard times. Eventually, my Mum took over the running of the finances, and they managed to buy another home. Their experiences have always stuck with me, and made me realise how important it is to be financially secure.

My DH and I recently paid off our mortgage, and I can't begin to tell you what a relief it is, to know that the house is all ours.

As far as the invites to BBQs are concerned, I totally understand your annoyance, but that's small fry! I have a DH who sometimes does the same, but I now make him help with all the preparations! Just tell him yes, they can come, but he can do the shopping and all the prepping, or at least you agree to do it all together, otherwise the invite is off, as you're fed up doing everything yourself! Be assertive, and don't back down!!

I think that the only thing to convince him you are so unhappy with his attitude to finances is to suggest counselling. Just suggesting that you are prepared to do this may wake him up to the seriousness of the situation as you see it?

Thank you Nansnet for your calm and sensible comment.

I look after the finances. My DH sounds like your dad. I would never let us get into a position where could not pay our way or would lose our property.

I suppose it is a question of priorities. Mine is paying off the mortgage, DH's is living for today.

It would give me so much peace of mind if we had the mortgage paid off

welbeck

have you heard of co-dependence ?

Quote - 'A codependent is someone who cannot function on their own and whose thinking and behaviour is instead organised around another person, process, or substance. Many codependents place a lower priority on their own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.'

Don't you think that wanting the money from DH for the mortgage payments is prioritising my needs?

I am quite capable of functioning on my own. I choose to be married.

Or am I misinterpreting this?

I think many women just couldnt tolerate what you are describing, that's why some are saying leave him, I know I couldnt live the life you are describing. You are therefore going to get those viewpoints.

ayse

I definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable. DH did it to me once whilst we lived in Turkey. He just invited a few for a BBQ. It took me all day to shop and cook as we had both ex pats and Turkish friends. He did do the cooking with help from his mates, they all partied whilst I cleared up the huge mess they left after food and eventually went to bed. I was spitting feathers.

What an inconsiderate man! Why is he not putting towards the paying off of the mortgage? Why is he always overdraw? Sounds to me that he has all the fun whilst you do all the work. Personally I wouldn’t put up with this nonsense any more. And no, you are not whingeing just wanting an equal relationship.

I’d tackle him about it and expect some changes. If not, I’d seriously consider leaving. It seems to me he is just another man who gives little thought to his relationships until they fall apart and then express surprise!

I did leave him in Turkey but 2 years later I emailed him to wish him a happy birthday. He wrote back and we emailed for some time. (I had missed him as he is a very caring and generous man but can’t manage his money).

We got back together under the following conditions:

1. He made a regular weekly payment to me as his part of the household expenses.

2. I manage all the household finances.

3. He can do what he likes with his remaining income.

4. If at any time he runs short he can borrow a little to tide him over but it must be paid back in weekly instalments.

He now gives me a small sum every week for me to save on his behalf and I keep a record of this. It helps to tide him over. This all works for me as he now has to live within his means, generally speaking and I control our finances. It’s been a huge relief to me as I know what is going on so don’t need to worry anymore.

I do most of the stuff that needs doing but it’s OK for me. We are both contented now and rarely argue. It’s been such a relief to me.

(Ages ago he wanted to buy a small boat and wanted me to loan him the money. I said he could if he could save half the money I would give him the rest. Guess what? We still don’t have a boat!)

ayse - this is exactly what I need to do (1 to 3)

About 12 months ago we did come to an agreement that he gave me his contribution to the mortgage savings. He did give me the money for a few months but then said he couldn't afford to anymore.

Since then I have never helped him financially when he has been overdrawn or had tax to pay. He would not dare to ask!

He is self employed and gets paid from different jobs. One job payment goes into the joint account. It is a decent amount so this is fine. He keeps the rest of his earnings. This was fine originally as he wasn't earning that much extra and it was considered to be his spending money. Due to him taking on extra work, his spending money income has doubled so he should be in a position to contribute again now.

If I have control over the joint account, and the savings I am happy. I don't really care what he does with his extra money if he is giving me his contribution.

On the bbq side - he does the tidying and sweeping up outside whilst I do the salady things.

He sounds like a teenage lad who pays his mum board but spends the rest of his wages on toys for his hobby. Then he invites mates round knowing that mum will provide the food and labour.

I dont understand

When a teenager doesnt want to break up with a bad boyfriend because "she loves him", she doesnt know what love really means and she is immature

When a person tripling a teenager's age or more says "I love my husband" as a reason not to break up a bad marriage, it then becomes a good reason to stay

I think your feelings at your DH inviting people without first checking with you may be misplaced anger with the wider issues you’ve mentioned. If the mortgage is in joint names you both need to do something about changing to a repayment mortgage before that lump sum is due - imagine losing your home now, at a time when you should be looking forward to your retirement. You need to have a straight conversation with him about his reckless and selfish spending and ask him straight out what he intends to do when the lump sum becomes due - he’s responsible for half of it after all. With the best will in the world, it does sound as though you’ve allowed him to behave like this unchecked for some time, so it’s going to be a difficult talk, but one you need to have.

I agree that just ‘leaving him’ is not the answer. Sometimes, the irritations (or worse) just need to be aired, thought about, and worked through, which the OP seems to be doing. Any relationship is about balancing the scales. She loves him more than she doesn’t, so she has to keep trying to make things better. Good luck, PinkCosmos!

Doesn't drink, smoke, drugs... interest only mortgage. Where is his money going?

Does he have a mental age of a teenager or is something (someone) else going on?

You need to draw a line. Start with the principle that you are married so ALL money is joint. There is no his (or her) money. You both need to get this mortgage paid off or you could be become homeless.

Hithere

I dont understand

When a teenager doesnt want to break up with a bad boyfriend because "she loves him", she doesnt know what love really means and she is immature

When a person tripling a teenager's age or more says "I love my husband" as a reason not to break up a bad marriage, it then becomes a good reason to stay

Nothing is that black and white.

Someone mentioned earlier that going to counselling has to be for both of you. That isn’t true. Clearly it’s better if both attend sessions and get involved in discussions but counselling can help individuals too.
Quite a few years back a friend tried to persuade her partner to go with her. He refused and she went ahead.
She said talking through her main issues allowed other hidden problems to emerge and be voiced. She was able to see a bigger picture and realised she didn’t want to end the marriage.
The good news was, that the partner was quite shocked that things had got to that stage, where she was seriously weighing up the pros and cons of their relationship. He agreed to have some serious discussions with her and they stayed together.
I knew she was almost decided to leave but the counselling gave her a lot to consider and the actuality of her doing it woke the partner up sufficiently to do something about their issues.

Yes, the thread title gives the impression of quite a small problem in the overall scheme of things. Whereas, in fact, you have much bigger issues. I never understand this ‘ his money/ her money, in a marriage. As Holysox says, everything is joint.

There’s too much room for secrets, and I suggest you need to have long conversations. Not about BBQ’s. About your lives together, and the safety of your finances.

PinkCosmos

ayse - this is exactly what I need to do (1 to 3)

About 12 months ago we did come to an agreement that he gave me his contribution to the mortgage savings. He did give me the money for a few months but then said he couldn't afford to anymore.

Since then I have never helped him financially when he has been overdrawn or had tax to pay. He would not dare to ask!

He is self employed and gets paid from different jobs. One job payment goes into the joint account. It is a decent amount so this is fine. He keeps the rest of his earnings. This was fine originally as he wasn't earning that much extra and it was considered to be his spending money. Due to him taking on extra work, his spending money income has doubled so he should be in a position to contribute again now.

If I have control over the joint account, and the savings I am happy. I don't really care what he does with his extra money if he is giving me his contribution.

On the bbq side - he does the tidying and sweeping up outside whilst I do the salady things.

And there we have it. You’re enabling him, and while you are doing this, he will never change. As others have said...it’s joint money. You’re both liable for any losses. You’re married.