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DH inviting people over for dinner

(105 Posts)
PinkCosmos Mon 02-Aug-21 11:46:26

My DH is in the habit of inviting friends over for bbq's or dinner without discussing it with me first.

We are friends with two couples who we see separately as they don't get on with one another (that's another story).

Since we have been let out of lock down we have been to both couples for bbq's or dinner and we have had them back to us several times.

When we are with either couple my DH will say 'come to ours on Sunday (whatever day). He doesn't discuss the invite with me first.

I work full time (from home at the moment) and do all of the food shopping. When he extends these invites it is me who goes shopping, tidies the house, cooks the food etc. He cooks the meat on the bbq but I prepare everything else.

I said something to him about this the other day and he accused me of whinging.

One of the women in the couple always contacts me afterwards and asks if the invite is OK as she know what my DH is like.

I don't want to come across as miserable and whingy but I find it very annoying.

I couldn't just leave everything to him as I think that would be peevish and reflect badly on me. He comes across as mister nice guy. I also too polite to say 'I'm sorry but that day isn't convenient' straight after he has invited them as they know us well enough to know to know our lives aren't that busy.

My MIL is also keen on inviting herself over for a bbq if the weather is nice.

I think this is getting to me as it is a part of a larger problem where I feel that my DH just disregards me in most things. He makes expensive purchases without consulting me and keeps three quarters of his wages for himself. He spend every penny and is regularly overdrawn. We have a interest only mortgage which needs to be paid in a couple of years. I have been saving madly towards this but I will fall short with the amount I can save. DH has contributed nothing to the mortgage savings though he is in a position to do so. His motto is live for today. We are both in our early sixties.

Nannagarra Sat 07-Aug-21 14:19:03

You may see a few parallels here: my DH insisted we had joint money; I managed the finances; he left it to me to know how much money we had; he was dilatory about paying off the mortgage; having the debt bothered me.
So I sought advice, paid off the mortgage and presented the knowledge on Christmas Day. He couldn’t argue in front of family, could he?
I suggest you emphatically state that your sole priority is to pay off the mortgage and want sufficient contribution from him until this is achieved. The alternative is joint money which you manage. He can choose but he must agree on one. (If I were you I’d persuade him to go for the latter.)
Then, and only then, can you both have peace of mind: you’ll feel financially secure and he won’t hear your worries.

eazybee Sat 07-Aug-21 15:24:17

Sorry, Pink Cosmos, but this doesn't sound like a very happy relationship. There are marriages that do function with one partner shouldering an unequal share of responsibility to make it work, but you are clearly not satisfied with the current arrangements and rightly resent being called a whinger.

This is so horribly familiar: my ex-husband's attitude was 'live today and pay for it with tomorrow's money', or even better, someone else's. Never mind the debts he incurred; a good time was all that mattered.

Your husband knows your concerns about the mortgage yet he is 'unable' to contribute. He also knows you have savings. Don't rely on him being around if they are not enough to cover the lifestyle he enjoys.
You cannot make this work on your own, and at present you are not a team.

Bluebellwould Sat 07-Aug-21 16:45:37

I can understand your dilemma Pink Cosmos, and I sympathise. It is very hard to see the situation for what it really is when you are emotionally stuck in the middle of it.
Others have covered many points which I hope have helped you but I would like to add another point.
What happens if you become ill with something that makes it impossible for you to continue managing the finances? No one knows if a stroke, cancer or something else will strike. Will he suddenly change his character and take care of matters or will he wait for you to recover, meanwhile losing your house and money.
IMHO, at the minute he is behaving like a child and thoroughly enjoying his life, why wouldn’t he be he has all the fun and none of the responsibilities and worries that he has put on your shoulders. You deserve the fun part too. A marriage is a partnership and as such fun and problems should be shared in equal proportions, you don’t seem to have that.
Can you think ahead ten years and see where you both will be? If you are concerned now, how much worse will it be then in ten, twenty or thirty years time. I think you need to get matters sorted now before it is too late for you to be effective. Good luck.

HolySox Sun 08-Aug-21 11:11:47

Sorry PinkCosmos didn't read all the posts (didn't load for some reason). If your still reading it is clear you aren't going to leave him and you probably already expected most of these answers. However, still I am still concerned you and your husband are heading for a financial disaster with the house. No guarantee you will be able to downsize (cost of buying and selling), you might not be able to secure a decent remortgage and when the current mortgage matures the bank will be happy to take your house and sell it at a loss to you. So a possible plan.

Step 1 sit down with your husband again and talk. Tell him your fears for your future. You are married so all money is joint. The savings are as much his as yours. When he is frittering away 'his' earnings that's your money he is spending!

Step 2 review your finances together and think about what you will need in retirement. This review by Which could be very helpful. (Note it assumes you own your own home.) Get your husband to look at it with you:

Step 3: make a plan to pay off the mortgage. So talk to the bank about remortgaging (as suggested already). Use the bulk of your savings to pay off a lump and then arrange a repayment mortgage for the remainder for as short a time as possible, say 5 years. As your equity is so high you should get a really low interest rate so this could even save you money!

Hopefully you can get a plan that gives you both financial security at this time of life. Then you can stop worrying about his spending and start enjoying his 'zest for life' again.