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Elderly parent problem

(49 Posts)
thelbg Sat 07-Aug-21 14:28:02

My sibling is the “golden child” and can do no wrong, and has always been very domineering and made things very difficult over the years. Their daughter, my neice, is getting married. The venue is 1.5 hours from me, and 1.5 hours from elderly parents. Elderly parents live 3 hours from me(think of a wonky triangle with me, parents and venue at points) sibling is demanding i drive 3 hours to collect parents, 1.5 hours to venue, then the reverse at the end of the day. Thats 9 hours driving! Although they are both 90 they are quite fit, but public transport would be too much for them. AIBU to suggest i pay for a taxi to take them to the venue. I have bad arthritis and would struggle to drive for that long all in one day .

trisher Sat 07-Aug-21 17:07:59

If you could afford it book 2 nights accommodation for you and your parents close to the wedding venue. Stay night before and night after. Tell the golden child you are doing it as a nice little treat for your parents Bet he'll try and do something to top it.

thelbg Sat 07-Aug-21 17:20:12

Some good suggestions. I cant really be away from home overnight for various reasons. I am not sure how they would feel about staying at the venue, up until a couple of years ago they traveled widely both home and abroad, and they really miss it so they may like a night in a new place. They have only recently given up their car. None of this has been discussed with them yet as sibling was just assuming i would agree to their demands ( like i usually do) and they would just tell them i would be transporting them. Despite being elderly they are quite robust and have managed long days pre covid, although when you are very elderly 18 months is a long time in terms of potential decline, but they still manage to do their daily 1 mile walk. The wedding isnt for quite a while so the options can be explored , and of course who knows what will be happening with covid !!

NfkDumpling Sat 07-Aug-21 17:23:04

Have you bought a wedding present yet? If not, could you say that since you're not physically able to spend nine hours of the day of the wedding driving your Aged Parents around the countryside, your present to your niece (and prospective nephew in law) is the taxi fare to enable her grandparents to share their day. (One way, just to the venue, would be a nice touch I think.)

3dognight Sat 07-Aug-21 17:51:15

Myself and two siblings got a taxi to a wedding in Hackney, taxi from Midlands. The diver waited for us , we were there about 8 hours. Then brought us back . Cost £300. Money well spent.

Simply say that it’s just too much driving, which it most definitely is, you will be too tired and stressed to enjoy the event, what with the return journey in the back of your mind.
Do not offer to pay for your parents, it’s not your place to offer, especially if they can afford it anyway.

JaneJudge Sat 07-Aug-21 17:55:25

he needs to pay for a taxi for them and a night at the hotel
you don't need to be involved

Poppyred Sat 07-Aug-21 18:18:54

Sorry to be blunt…but you need to grow a pair! Say no now! Their daughters wedding, up to them to sort all the arrangements and pay for them!

Nortsat Sat 07-Aug-21 18:28:26

I think we can all see that it’s the Golden One’s role to ensure your parents arrive comfortably to the wedding.
I don’t think it’s safe or reasonable to expect anyone to drive for 9 hours in one day.
I am so sorry to hear this, it’s mean and unpleasant.

I think in your shoes I would probably capitulate and order my parents a taxi. Surely the wedding party should accommodate them in an hotel for the night.

I hope you manage to overcome this and enjoy the occasion. ?

Cabbie21 Sat 07-Aug-21 18:31:18

When my daughter got married, I fetched her grandparents parents and booked two nights accommodation for them. It wasn’t anyone else’s job but mine.
Your sister should organise it, not you.

M0nica Sat 07-Aug-21 18:39:01

The wedding isnt for quite a while so the options can be explored
Thelbg, that sounds very like a cop out, you are deferring the decision refusing to say anything, having doubts.

I do not know how old you are but taking on nine hours driving in a day with a wedding inbetween is a recipe for disaster.

By the return journey you will be dead tired and in danger of falling asleep at the wheel. To do that means putting your parents's lives at risk and if you did have an accident the police would, quite rightly throw the book at you because the day you planned - 9 hours driving and a wedding, would be so patently and obviously dangerous, and the outcome so obvious that you should have forseen it. You could end up losing your licence and worse.

You should do what every one recommends you do, tell the Golden Child now that it is impractical for you to bring your parents to the wedding because the driving required would be too tiring, with the danger you might fall asleep at the wheel on the return journey. He will need to think of some other way of getting them to the event. Do not suggest a taxi or any alternative form of transport, just say that his idea is impractical and could be dangerous for your parents and yourself. It is up to him to think - and pay for any alternative transport.

If he says something to your parents and they raise it with you tell them that the driving was more than you could safely do in a day and you did not want to put their lives at risk by driving when tired.

alchemilla Sat 07-Aug-21 20:18:46

OP what have you decided? worth discussing with your parents first I think.

NfkDumpling Sat 07-Aug-21 20:51:34

One things for sure, the OP being physically unable to drive for a total of nine hours in one day with bad arthritis, puts the onus back onto the Golden One. If said Golden One fails to step up and sort it, Golden One's sheen will be more than a little tarnished.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 07-Aug-21 21:00:33

I would have thought your parents would find that a very long day, I don’t think you are being selfish at all, golden girl sounds awful

V3ra Sun 08-Aug-21 09:04:10

My Dad (90) has recently returned from a Saga UK cruise. Included in the fare was a taxi to pick him up from home (in the Midlands) and drive him to the port. Same on his return. They didn't stop on the way but could have if Dad had needed to. Door to door. Perfect.

This is what your parents need to do to travel to and from the wedding.
If it makes you feel better and takes the pressure off you then tell your sibling you will sort out the travel arrangements.
Then tell your parents what's happening, book the taxis for them, but they can surely pay for themselves?
And whatever happens do not undertake all that driving yourself.

Witzend Sun 08-Aug-21 09:14:03

Assuming your parents can afford it, I’d just tell them they will need a taxi there and back, so please make sure they have the cash to pay for it.

If there are any protests, it would not be remotely unreasonable to say that you cannot possibly undertake all that driving in one day - it would not be at all safe since you’d be liable to fall asleep on the road.

If they don’t like spending money you could add that the B and G might well be happy to pay for it. ?

thelbg Sun 08-Aug-21 10:21:12

Well this thread has been a revelation and the responses were not what i expected!!. I think i had been brainwashed into thinking it was my responsibility to arrange as sibling would be so busy with the wedding. I definitely think a taxi is the way forward, up until pre covid they did saga holidays with a taxi to the airport, as a precious poster mentioned. I will discuss with them, they are reasonable people so i am sure they will see this as being a good option for all. I am 63 by the way as a previous poster asked. I feel much more confident in making this decision now x

NfkDumpling Sun 08-Aug-21 10:27:02

Go for it thelbg! The power of the grans is with you!

Summerlove Sun 08-Aug-21 12:58:01

I’m glad you are starting to see it’s not your job. Tell your sibling no now. They can arrange it.

Think about it - Have they ever taken something off your plate for you? Or do you always cater to them?

Nansnet Mon 09-Aug-21 06:34:07

Definitely, a taxi is the way to go, and with your parents being in their 90s, they may not feel up to staying until the end of the night, so they could arrange to leave earlier. If your parents can afford it, then I see no reason why you should offer to pay for it, just offer to book it for them and tell them how much it will be. If they can't afford to pay themselves, then it's up to your sibling to pay for it, as it's their daughter's wedding, and if they want their daughter's grandparents to attend, it's up to them to pay, and make the arrangements to get them there. The fact that they have a wedding to arrange doesn't mean they can't manage to book the taxi for the elderly grandparents!

eazybee Mon 09-Aug-21 08:35:23

I don't have siblings, but I have seen my best friend from our schooldays constantly standing up to her domineering older sister, now in her eighties, and I realise how stressful it is. She has learned to laugh at her imperious demands and does only what she considers necessary.
Has anyone actually discussed with the grandparents what they would like to do with regard to the wedding? Do they wish, are they capable of, spending three hours travelling back and forth on the wedding day? At the moment they seem to be regarded as decorative accessories to be brought out of storage and then quickly returned . Has anyone actually seen them recently to assess their stamina and health? Travelling to a relaxing holiday by taxi is a little different from arriving and immediately participating in a day long wedding celebration; I would have thought they would prefer to spend the night before and after the wedding in comfortable accommodation, possibly meeting with other family members. Is there any reason why you should be expected to pay for all this?

I would see your function as looking after your parents on the day of the wedding, but not doing the ridiculous amount of driving your sibling seems to require. As the wedding is not imminent you can discuss all the options first with your parents, then inform your sibling what arrangements, particularly financial ones, are necessary, and leave it to them to organise.

Polarbear2 Mon 09-Aug-21 10:36:07

Agree with all the above - just curious as to why ‘he’ has to tell them what’s happening? Discuss it with your parents. Leave him out of it - he “has enough to worry about poor love ?? so you’re sorting it” - and come to an agreement with your parents. Taxi is best option and not for you to pay! If you feel you have to offer you could say you’ll go halves with them. Enjoy the day btw.

luluaugust Mon 09-Aug-21 10:54:20

Now is your moment point out to golden child it is his daughter's wedding and his job to make sure his guests are all happy, not yours. You can dress up, turn up and smile. Of course you could overdose on champagne and need a taxi home grin

Hithere Mon 09-Aug-21 11:25:21

Of course yanbu

However, the moment you say no to the golden child, get ready for drama ("you are ruining the wedding"), pressure and guilt to do the transportation ("dont you love your niece?"), threats of possibly be uninvited, calls from your parents expressing their disappointment...

Parents pick the golden child, they are not innocent bystanders

Say no. Keep your no. Stand up for yourself.

alchemilla Mon 09-Aug-21 14:13:28

What have you decided to do, OP?