struggling with the implications of my daughter becoming engaged to an American

yabu. Get a grip

Hi Claire,

I joined as I wanted to comment on your post. I've been married to a US serviceman for over 30 years, I'm sure my parents were very worried when I first met him that I would end up in the US, but they never ONCE made me aware of this as my happiness came first, not theirs. My Husband loves the UK and has retired from the military here now, although my parents died many years ago.

He is the man she loves and that's what's important and all that matters, he's great with her daughter, please try to be happy for them.

As for them moving to the US and being ' without' you, your daughter is 38 not 8 and like most people, she will probably love her new life and I'm quite sure your GD will, my brother in law lives in Florida and he and his family are very happy there.

It is unlikely that her boyfriend will choose to extend here, especially if you continue to make him unwelcome, so a choice will have to be made and your daughter will most likely, go to the US. If you do your best to hide your resentment, make him truly welcome, he will do the same for you if/ when your daughter and GD move to the US. Keep up the bitter vibes and he's not likely to go out of his way to welcome you at all, please keep this in mind especially should they have children of their own....This gentleman will be well aware of your dislike for him and unless he's a saint of a man, may not welcome you to stay in his home should they marry. Remember you're putting out bad energies towards him, this is also very unfair to your daughter and GD, he could well become her legal parent.

It's brave of you to put these thoughts on paper but I also agree with some of the others, maybe seeing a therapist if possible could be helpful, thinking and obsessing of ways to end their relationship is beyond wrong and justifying it to yourself as ' protecting your granddaughter! You are trying to protect yourself and also, it's not your place, you are not the parent here. As for the guns, we don't have to go too far in the UK to find those plus knives and machetes!

Please realise that your daughter is a grown, middle aged woman who is perfectly capable of running her own life, caring for her daughter and making her own choices. Carry on in this manner and you drive her further into his arms.

This is not about you. Please get this hatred and resentment under control, he could even put in to go back to the US earlier and take your daughter and GD with him if you continue to cause problems and you could lose all of them.

Be grateful for how lucky we are to have modern technology nowadays to keep in contact! All we had years ago were letters and a 15 minute morale call once a week and even that was timed and monitored! Now we have Skype, Facetime and Zoom!

I hope I don't sound too stern but it is kindly meant having personal experience, I hope you can come to terms with this situation, you have a lot to gain if you can and so much to lose if you can't...

Having been called a racist on another thread, including other equally unpleasant soubriquets, which I reported. I am going to be quite bare-faced in asking this question.

What community does you potential American sil come from. Is he from the African community or the white community, or other? I am just wondering whether that plays any part in your dislike of him.

I am sorry you are upset; but you rally are talking as if you think that you DD and your DGD cannot manage without you. As if you are the lynch pin in their lives.

You simply are not. They will manage fine without you. That is the lesson we all have to learn when our children grow up - and it can be hard. We have been central to their lives and to family life for decades - and now we are on the periphery - on the outside looking in.

Whatever you have done for them in the past they probably will not need in the future.

Seriously - and maybe harshly - it is not all about you. You have to learn to accept that and find a way of making a life for yourself in which you are not the central person.

You are unbelievably selfish and unreasonable, not to mention racist. For heaven’s sake stop thinking about yourself because this is all about you, you, you. I cannot believe that any mother would rather see her daughter heartbroken than see her with the man she loves, who you say treats her like a queen. A mother who thinks of how she could break her daughter’s heart. That is unspeakably wicked. This is her life, not yours. Let her live it. If you carry on like this you will become estranged from your daughter and your grandchild and it will be no-one’s fault but your own. Get to know this man who treats you with such respect, despite your loathing for him. He sounds like a gentleman.

MOnica, you voiced what I wondered but after the other thread did not dare post. I should have been braver.

Your daughter loving an American man isn’t the problem.
This is.
When hes here in my house, i just want him out of my sight, im struggling to even speak to him, everything annoys me about him especially the accent and mannerisms and im starting to feel hatred towards him. And as for being called "ma'am". i want to hit him
And this
i am finding myself even thinking how i could end their relationship to protect my granddaughter

You are your own worse enemy. If you continue with this attitude you will drive them away from you. So if they do actually marry and move to America then if you have a good relationship with BOTH of them that the bond will not be broken. Florida isn’t the end of the world and with the internet to help contact and visits you can enjoy your family. However, your attitude will make visits increasingly difficult. Try very hard, and I know it’s difficult but try to really befriend him. A good friendship and interest in his country is the way to go otherwise you will all end up miserable.

This poem voices my view of children. I hope it helps.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran

I love that.

I've had it on my computer screen for years, MissAdventure. I think it was published in the 1920s.

I think I have heard part of it woven through some hypnotic Indian music, and spoken by Vincent Price.
Either that, or I've got a very active imagination.

PippaZ I had also copied that intending to post it, but then changed my mind, not sure why.

Khalil Gibran was Lebanese and migrated to the USA. He was a poet, artist and mystic..

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Your post is really all about you, about how you feel and about what you think.

You are frightened to let go but if you're not careful, you could risk losing your daughter and grandchild permanently because of your attitude. I'm sure your daughter will have picked up your feelings about the man she presumably loves, and no doubt the man himself will have, too. You will be putting her in an impossible situation.

Do you really want your daughter to be unhappy just so that you can have her and your GC with you? The fact is, you could very well drive her away with your attitude, whether or not the relationship she has with this man lasts or not. If this present relationship were to end (and I hope it doesn't - he sounds lovely), and she met a British man, what guarantee is there that she would remain local to you? She could well move to the other end of the country with him.

I wonder, too, if a British man would meet with your approval either, as it seems as if you want to keep your daughter and GC to yourself. This is unhealthy. Let go a little or you risk losing everything you hold dear.

I'm also sorry to say but your post comes across as unbelievably racist, certainly anti American.

Germanshepherdsmum, as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!

I notice there is no reply. I suspect that the OP is reeling with shock after seeing the replies she has received. I really think she expected to find support on GN for her selfish and self-centred views.

I have asked the question and judgment must be suspended until we get a reply, but I am not holding my breath.

RomRoot

ElaineI

YABU very! You are also being racist in saying all these things about him being American. I can understand why you would be worried if they moved to Florida but your daughter is an adult and happy and he sounds like he is very good to her and your grandchild.
If you can, separate the feelings about him being a different nationality and a possible move to US. A move to US would be sad for you but lots of people on here have family who live overseas and would be able to advise you how to cope. Try to deal with your hatred of Americans by perhaps reading about Florida, life in Florida, schooling in US. He sounds very polite to me.

Americans aren't a race, and the OP has said nothing detrimental about him.

I'm sorry for you OP, they are family and it must be hard. Keep telling yourself how happy she is, plus 18 months is a long way away, anything could happen in this time.

My apology RomRoot. The word I should have used is xenophobe.

I’m inclined to the view that if I were 38 and in a similar position, having a mother with this mindset would be an excellent reason to put the Atlantic between us.

YANBU Dear Claire, I feel you have come in here for help not criticism.
If I was in your position I would possibly FEEL the same but that doesn't mean you have made all these feelings know to anyone else but us here on GN.
What I would say would be - as Edithrose said is do try to befriend this young man - who is a long way from home - away from his family.
There is a place for you in this scenario.
Hopefully other posters who've been there will come up with further constructive comments.
Of course, one of my mantras is; 'We're not there yet' - enjoy your time now - live in the 'now'

I don’t know why you are so worried about your GD. She might love the life in Florida and embrace it. She will always be your GD and enjoy coming back to visit you. Even if everything happened as you would like , she will grow up and once they go to secondary school you don’t see them so often. My sister and her family spent any years living in America and they had a much better quality of life than they had here and the children enjoyed coming back to see the family for long holidays.

What does your partner think?

Hello Claire. Poor you. I don't think you're racist at heart I think you're a loving mum and granny just lashing out in a state of panic while your emotions are all over the place. (Been there, done that.)
I'm no expert but I think what you're doing is called "catastrophising" i.e. imagining the worst case scenario about everything.
I agree with what others have said - get some counselling if you can, take lots of deep breaths and try to concentrate on this chap's good qualities. It sounds like it's going to be a while before you know for sure what's going to happen.
Best wishes to you and your family.

I'm sorry to say this but from your post you appear to be a very jealous, spiteful, controlling mother. It's all about how you can control your daughter and grandchild not a thing about her happiness with her fiance. To even go so far as to contemplate how to split them up so you keep being number 1 in their life is truly appalling. Her fiance will sense your animosity and jealousy and hopefully will take her away to Florida away from you and your posessiveness. I hope he does really soon for her sake as your relationship is unhealthy and shes far better off away from you.
My mother was welcoming to my OH and acted as peacemaker to keep us together during any troubles we had. She cared for our happiness as I do for my DC.
You need counselling to understand you can't control your daughter's life and your jealousy will alienate you from her. You probably won't get invited to visit once they leave as future DSiL isn't going to want you there.
You are one of the most unreasonable people I've heard of on gransnet, and need help.
I wish your DD every happiness.

Claire at 72 you have a limited lifespan. Your daughter and grandchild have their lives ahead of them. Let them fly.

I would seriously ask you to consider engaging in behaviour modification therapy. You are obviously a very troubled lady and your obsession stands to ruin both your life and that of your family.

Please get help

Your daughter has her own life to live, with Zoom etc the world is not so big. Embrace your daughters happiness and support her in her decisions, after all, she will have made choices taking everything into account. Make her partner welcome, if he senses animosity then he will not want to stay here but if he is welcomed with open arms he may feel as though he could stay and not return to America. Don’t make him feel pushed away. If they do move to Florida then you can look forward to visiting them in their new life. It’s not so bad.

If the OP is still following this, she’d do well to read - a few times - what EdithRose has said.

You have a Partner, Claire, you have a life you chose and yet somehow you feel that both Daughters’ lives should accord with what YOU need and plan. You need to stop before they lose interest in you or you’ll have nothing. If you can’t be glad for a daughter and granddaughter loved by ‘an American’ you need some counselling. You’ve got advice, you’re being totally selfish and unreasonable. Stop thinking about yourself because now is possibly the only time you’ll have to put this right - or risk losing them forever.