struggling with the implications of my daughter becoming engaged to an American

Oh dear, Claire. Part of me can see where you’re coming from, but please don’t try and spoil your DD and GD’s happiness. It’s very wrong to do so. I don’t necessarily see you as racist, as I think that any man who is not local may be a threat to your happiness. I do think you need help, as you sound very embittered and sad. I can well understand that you’ll miss your DD and GD terribly, but you can’t, and shouldn’t stop them. Your bitter feelings will be detected by them and also your DD’s fiancé and you could well alienate yourself completely. You wouldn’t want that, would you? It’s very hard to let our adult children go, but they don’t hold our apron strings forever. We bring them up to eventually fly the nest, hard as it can be for us to accept. I think you need more in your life to keep you engaged and enriched. I don’t want to sound flippant, but have you got a supportive partner/husband/friends and absorbing hobbies to give you a purpose to life. How about some charity work? As I said, I don’t want to sound dismissive, but you are obsessing over this and it might not even happen, though it sounds as if it will. Please accept the situation and enjoy your DD’s company, and that of your GD, whilst they’re living locally. And please be pleasant to the fiancé - he’s done nothing wrong and loves your DD. Please do not let your DD know your feelings - it could destroy your relationship. I sincerely wish you all the best, Claire. My only DD almost emigrated to Australia a few years ago to be with the man she loved. Deep down, I would have been very upset, but I realised that would’ve been selfish of me, and I would have given her my blessing to go, had she asked for it. There’s some good advice on here from fellow Gransnetters. Heed it. Very best wishes. ?

OP, was this an entirely factual posting, or an exercise in creative writing.
or is it a reversal perhaps, maybe written by a daughter with an impossible other ?
it just sounds so over the top. and no real responses to posters.

other mother

It is hard for you because you are used to having her around and now you are thinking she will disappear with your only grandchild. There is not a lot you can do, though except maybe think, if they do go to Florida, it is not that far and you could visit. It could have been Australia! You will love her just the same and these days it is a lot easier with zoom etc. I’m trying to put a positive spin on it for you. Stuff the comments about being selfish, they are not in your shoes, are they? People can be very judgemental. It might never happen,too and I wouldn’t say anything because it won’t help your relationship if you do !

Of course you hope and wish they split up and your DD marries a local guy, this may or may not happen. If she goes ahead and moves to the USA you’ll have to learn to accept the fact, you’ll have a great time when you visit them over there, and Skype regularly in between. A lot of us are in that situation and had to make the most of it. We have all cried and missed them like crazy but it’s their life.

welbeck the op responded twice already on the 11th aug. if you care to go back and look.

I can't imagine anyone in this day and age marries to keep their mother happy. It should just make you happy if she's found someone who treats her and her daughter well.

And local lads and lasses can and do move abroad for long periods of work or (shock horror) the Shetlands which can be as hard to get to as Tallahassee with no guarantee of kind weather.

Or they get tired of the negativity and choose not to see you even if "local".

Make your future SIL welcome and wish them all God Speed.

*Hello Claire. Poor you. I don't think you're racist at heart I think you're a loving mum and granny just lashing out in a state of panic while your emotions are all over the place. (Been there, done that.)
I'm no expert but I think what you're doing is called "catastrophising" i.e. imagining the worst case scenario about everything.
I agree with what others have said - get some counselling if you can, take lots of deep breaths and try to concentrate on this chap's good qualities. It sounds like it's going to be a while before you know for sure what's going to happen.*

This is good advice Claire Please try to take it.

Yes, it will distress you to have your daughter and grandchild move so far away, BUT, it is HER life, not yours.
You should not live your life through hers.
When we grew up, we moved away from home for study or work.
No doubt our parents missed us, but we stayed in contact and visited from time to time; right up to the time when they died.

I will not comment on the big question here, but calling you “ma’m” reflects his military training and is hardly intended to offend you. In the US that term is considered a sign of good breeding as well.

I left home at 16 and moved away. At 18 I moved to the USA to live and work. I had an amazing time and still love the country. Never saw a gun when I was there, there are some lovely places to live. Although you may see your daughter and grandaughter a little less, you can Zoom call, and you can go visit. Florida is lovely. Your grandaughter will have amazing adventure! You are likely to alienate both your daughter and grandaughter with your negativity. Be happy for them! They obviously want to go or wouldn’t be considering it. Your attitude is selfish but no doubt comes from caring about them. Maybe try and get some counselling to help you come to terms with the potentially impending “loss”

I am one of those Americans you seem to be so horrified by. However, let me answer you anyway, as a fellow grandmother (and great-grandmother!)

My family (3 children, 6 grown grandchildren, one great-grandchild) all live on the same continent as I do, but that's all I can say about our physical closeness. We are scattered all over the country. One son and his (grown) son live sort of near me, that's it. And young people seem to be in a frequent state of flux, moving from one location to another much more frequently than previous generations did.

But we still remain a very close family. We are constantly in touch via texting, phone calls, Facetime or Skype, email, pictures (I have literally hundreds of pictures of my adorable great-granddaughter), and frequent visits whenever possible. Throughout the pandemic, we had weekly Zoom meetings. A few weeks ago, we all shared a rented house at the beach for a week; everybody came, including bringing significant others, and even a few children of the significant others. All were welcome.

In this day and age, moving from England to America is not that different from moving to the next town or county. It's become a very small world. You can still stay in touch, speak every day if you choose to, have discussions, share jokes, ask for advice, etc. All the things you would do in person, except physically hugging each other. And you can do that when you actually visit each other.

So lighten up, Granny. If she moves to America, you can still be in touch. Any problems in this situation will be caused by you, if you continue with your current attitude.

And good grief, it hasn't even happened yet, it may not happen, and you're already in a tizzy about it!

P.S. In spite of what the news media are focused on, we are not all shooting each other in the streets. The gun laws are much too permissive, but all in all, life is usually pretty safe.
Think of the glass as being half full.

good post, GoldenLady.
by the way, how many people were in that holiday house !
sounds fun.
hands across the sea.

This is a month old post. I should think the OP is past this by now.

Oh my word! Where do I start! This shouldn’t be about you and your needs, when we had our children we brought them up to be independent and encouraged them to do what they wanted to do she is an adult, your post is quite worrying how you are seeing things, you say he treats your daughter like a queen and granddaughter like a princess, that’s great surely, he has respect, you are actually hoping that she will split with him because he’s an American! Your grandchild is there’s and not yours, his accent and his mannerisms make you want to hit him, goodness knows how you would feel then if he was awful to her, you are getting so wound up by it all, I think you need to calm down, we all love our adult children but I really feel you should look at this from your daughters point of view

We had 14 in the house, but not necessarily all at the same time. Some of them had to work for part of the week, so they were coming and going. It's a huge house with about 7 bedrooms, very beautiful and only 3 houses in from the beach! We've used it many times in previous years.

In addition, my son owns a condo at another beach town about 1/2 hour away, so he, his son, and his son's girlfriend stayed there, but came to our big house every day. We took turns providing dinner, so no one had to do it more than once. The largest number we had at one time, counting those 3, was 17.

We had a cornhole tournament (that's a beanbag throwing game, don't know if you play it in England) and played that for several nights, with an amused audience of the neighbors. To my surprise, I was able to throw the beanbag perfectly fine, in spite of my arthritic shoulder. I even won one time!

If it's possible to attach photos here, I'll show you our official portrait of all of us on the boardwalk, in our matching t-shirts.

All of us, except one. Apologies if it's a duplicate, I thought I had sent it but it seems to have disappeared.

Lovely photo of a lovely family, Golden Lady.

thanks for that photo Golden' is that you in the middle, next to the baby, with hands on knees ?
y'll look to be a fine crew.
i don't think we play bean-bag throwing game here.
guess they are little things you hold in your hand.
bean bags used to be the name of enormous amorphous moldable lumps on the floor that people would lie/sit on.
can't imagine throwing those.
www.greatbeanbags.com/?gclid=CjwKCAjwhOyJBhA4EiwAEcJdcZVu6Xl5V-yHjOyzBH1PzUv9iSb0nbpUqgzTkbDhQl-83tGz2jOBzxoCNbUQAvD_BwE

They are indeed small handheld bean bags. (I've played similar games before.) Not the kind you sit on at all.

Didn't anyone else play beanbag throwing games in primary school? They were an important feature in our PE classes! Easier than balls for small hands to catch.

Here's a link that explains the game for those unfamiliar with it. It is lots of fun, for all ages.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornhole

Thanks for the compliments, and yes, I'm the "old" one next to the baby. Holding the baby is my daughter, who is the baby's grandmother. And if anybody is still interested, the baby's mother (my granddaughter) is the blonde in the back row. Her husband is the tall guy standing in the middle.

OK, enough about that, I guess.

OP, I'd be crying till the cows came home

Claire, you are not unreasonable you are one of the worriers of the world.
You sound well balanced, have faced up to your worries, and you will cope when the time comes.

I bet if you trustfully confided in the American what you are worried about he'd understand and sympathise, and reassure you.

You were just upset, without giving any thought to the good for D, correct? I hope you are back to a normal way to view the world. Good luck.