AIBU to find my daughters in-laws rude

Grandmabatty

So your son in law's parents are using your house as if it was theirs? I would not be happy about that. However does your dd and family see this as a permanent move? In which case you need to have a chat with dd and sil about boundaries and what would be acceptable. Have you spoken to sil to ask why they are doing this?

It's irrelevant whether it's their permanent home or not, no-one should enter another person's home without knocking and waiting to be invited in and I include family in this.

In 1976 moved into a house in a very nice part of East London. Within weeks we had lost (put away carefully - who knows) the keys to the kitchen door. This could be easily accessed via a path up the side of the house. Gate there was kept closed (to protect dog from getting out), but never had a lock on it.

As the years progresses, I really enjoyed that open door. Friends calling round, would go round the back if I did not answer the front door, and I would often arrive back from shopping, dropping off/collecting children to find a friend or two happily making coffee in my kitchen.

On the occasions I went out without my keys, knew I could always get back into the house without any hassle. As children grew into teenagers, was easier to tell them to enter that way rather than give them keys, which they always lost.

Never had any problem with this - moved out in 2003. My next house was a terrace - in a quiet cul-de-sac. Must admit to the number of times I would go to bed leaving the front door 'on the catch', and the windows of my car wide open on my front drive.

Live in a flat now, very secure - but, often, during the day, leave the front door here on the catch, as I pop in and out around the flats, etc. My daughter who lives close by, has keys to get into flats and my own front door, often turns up unannouced, with a child or two in tow - as she comes through my front door, she always gives a slight knock just to warn me she is coming in.

Grandmagrim
You are a very caring and accommodating mother and grandmother, just remember, this too shall pass.

Grannmarie, a couple of times they have hosted my daughter and family, they have also taken the three oldest children for overnight stays and couple of times.
Early on in the process they made it very clear that neither of their homes would be available. I can’t criticise them for making that choice, no one should really feel forced to take in family. For me taking in the family was a no brainier, I knew it would be difficult -I’d taken my son in for a few months the year before and that was teeth gnashingly difficult due to our personalities- I hadn’t considered though that the difficulty would come from the other GPs direction

yes, it sounds as if they now regard it as their son's house, and you are the hangers-on; and furthermore that they have dominated their son all his life and it never occurs to them not to.
they won't change. those who are done to by them, eg you and their son/DIL, will have to.
ie not continue to accept this mode of carrying on, for it to change.

Grandmagrim, your daughter's in-laws are incredibly rude!

I notice in your post 09.29, they have a holiday home near you. I wonder if

1. They could all meet up there?

2. The in laws could allow your daughter's family to live there temporarily?

Hoping you can resolve this situation.

'too scared' not to

Your original question was 'Are my daughter's in-laws being rude ? and the answer is yes, very.
You won't damage their relationship with the grandchildren because you are not preventing them visiting; you are simply expecting common courtesy when they visit your house, not theirs, not their son's.
Your daughter seems to scared to stand up to her father-in-law, who you think is a bully,which doesn't bode well for the future, and you are afraid of damaging her marriage if you attempt to impose basic courtesy.
You most definitely must not alter your behaviour to accommodate theirs, for a whole year! Your son in law needs to have it pointed out to him that you are doing him a huge favour by housing his family, and he should not expect your tolerance to extend to his rude parents.
Lock the door and let your husband make his way in by another route.

I used to be one of those ladies who couldn’t say no. ‘Bertha (not my real name!) will do it etc. etc. was heard around the village. I had three children very close in age, and was a stay at home mum until the youngest was 5 and started school. So, I childminded, helped run Toddler Group and Playgroup, acted as Secretary for various organisations and so it went on. I think the crunch came when I was attended an AGM whose committee I wasn’t on. Their Secretary hadn’t turned up. Bertha will take the minutes, rang out the cry. I felt myself go red, said I didn’t have my shorthand book with me nor my pen. They weren’t happy. But from that day I seemed to gain confidence and learnt to say no, I was in my mid-30s. I still did various voluntary stuff but would no longer be taken for granted.

I’m my inner monologue moments I’ve fantasised about walking straight into one of their houses. (Yup they have a holiday home a few miles from me plus their own home). I wouldn’t and couldn’t .

Thank you, I sure in your heavily pregnant loo dash no one in their right mind considered you to be rude.
I don’t think calling round on the off chance you are free is rude either. That gives the householder the option to say sorry I’m too busy for a visit. I could cope with that. I’m that instance I’d still be being recognised as the householder , their actions make me feel I’ve been displaced or even relegated to the lodger, which is not their son’s attitude or my daughters.
With luck and fair management I hope this whole thing will eventually resolve with no recriminations on any side.

Would you be able to walk right into their house? What would be their reaction if you did? Now you have given some more information, I would agree with others that they sound incredibly rude. Keep the door locked and invest in a chain. Then you have more control

Too polite to say “no” is deffinately a thing.
However I also think there’s a difference between polite and non-assertive. I would agree we can get into a pickle by being afraid to seem to be rude. If the circumstance were different in my case, if vaguely acquainted people (even this couple) waltzed into my house without knocking I’d have no trouble insisting they knock. The trouble here is the potential consequences that a perhaps, misjudged timing of that conversation. I’m searching for the right way and time to handle it. I would achieve nothing if my daughter and her husband ended up on opposite sides of an argument based on loyalties or my grandchildren are affected by adult disagreements.

I like no is a complete sentence one of my friends is terribly put upon because she is too nice. It really angers me people really take her advantage of her. Childminding, dog walking, fetching shopping, you name it. All takers who could very well go to the shops themselves (if they couldn't I would feel differently obviously)

recently i've said no to doing something that i had volunteered to do in the past.
got very involved, over-exerted myself, and was not really appreciated, more taken for granted. i was useful in the role.
anyway suspended due to covid, recently resumed.
i simply said that i would not be able to do it.
then i was asked again, nearer the time, when others didn't want to. i just said no, i can't do it. and i gave no reason.
and i realised that not giving a reason, or trying to justify, as if wanting permission to step down, was the way to go.
the simplicity of the no concentrates its power.
as they say on MN, no is a complete sentence.
it was quite liberating. wonder why i didn't do it earlier.
oh well, better late than never.

I think you are right welbeck
I also think there are very different cultural differences wrt to 'visiting' and of course just differences within families

i wonder if english people in particular, tend to get into social difficulties through not wishing to give offence.
which is a good thing generally of course; but it can become crippling, when trying to guess others' motivations, and the hesitancy to seemingly ascribe to them some aspect of cheeky pluckery, by asking them to/not do something.
maybe we need to work on clear communication of our own feelings, wishes, priorities, without any sarcasm or edge.

Thank you for coming back to us.
I had realised that many years ago when my children were very young, I had a friend in a similar situation, and now you have described your house, it does sound very much the same.
My friend, a new, young mum, was living with her husband & baby at her parents' home. The 'conservatory' at the back of the house was made over for their daytime use, and us friends were told to go through the back gate and knock on the window (through she usually saw us). This was intended to save mum from trekking through the house, and her parents from answering the door to lots of people.
However, I did realise one day, how rude it could seem when I dashed to the loo (late pregnancy!) and bumped into my friend's dad, who obviously hadn't a clue that I was in the house!

This can arise from differing ideas of 'politeness'. I just went out to see who had parked on our drive, and I recognised a passing acquaintance who I had given permission to park there in certain circumstances. I had asked her to knock on the door to inform us, in case we were expecting visitors - but she had thought 'I won't knock and disturb them on this nice afternoon'.

I would consider saying ' I know it may seem odd to you to ask you to knock, but it suits us rather better'. this doesn't imply that one way is better than another, but that it is your way, in your house.

And I do know how awkward it can be when there are differing 'cultural' expectations. I struggled with my own in-laws until I realised that they were really my grandparents' generation rather than my parents. And my DH cannot understand why some of my older relatives don't ring to check it's convenient to call round - despite my explaining that they just think 'oh, we'll knock on the door, and if it doesn't suit rose & oh we won't stay'.

How rude are they? I couldn’t and wouldn’t cope with that level of intrusion. I suppose a lot depends on how long it will be for. If only a week or two , fine but any longer than that and I would say something whether or not it is unpopular. Better that than stewing and so what if they don’t like it.

Sorry haven't read all the comments so could be repeating here - check no one living in your house has told the other GPs there's no need to knock, just come in.

Oh they are so rude.

Thank you all who responded and sincere appologies for not getting back on sooner, life here is nothing if not chaotic.
Before posting originally I had discussed the issue with my daughter who feels much the same way as I do about the walking in thing. With doors locked they walk into the garden and peer in all the windows until they are spotted. Admittedly I don’t as a rule lock the front door, a poor habit on my part for sure as dh comes and goes in and out constantly and being in a rural setting it’s all too easy just to leave it. I’m going to have to change the habit as this stay could last upwards of a year. My SIL is a nice chap but when it comes to his parents he retreats to little boy mode. His father is imho a bit of a bully. I came here to ask incase it was just me being dreadfully old fashioned (the in-laws in question are much older than I am) and there is no way I’d stop them visiting far from it, it’s important my grandchildren have good contact. I just like to be warned.
All in all I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t change them so better change myself. I will be gently asking them if they would like to use the smaller of two, garden gate and the back door to more quickly access their son’s and my daughter’s parts of the house. Again thank you for your responses. I might add that I’ve resigned myself to just having to make allowances. They drove my daughter nuts peering I her back windows when she had her own home if the door wasn’t unlocked for them in a few moments after knocking, the other day they even barged past me while I was speaking to someone just at my front door at which point I determinedly introduced them much to their indignation, on the balance of evidence it’s a battle I will never win.

We were at out ski place and one day I found a couple standing in the corridor inside, asked what they were doing, they replied they had made a mistake. Easily done, could have been genuine but from that day on the children were drilled into locking the door.

I'd start locking the door and say that them walking in has made you realise that so could anyone else, plus the children could just as easily open the door and walk out.
So for your grandchildren's safety you need to keep the door locked now. No-one will be able to argue with that.

If I am expecting visitors I unlock the porch door so they can step out of the rain but the door into the hall remains locked until the door bell rings.
I think it is very cheeky to just walk into someone's home even if they are a close relative.