Adult son won’t leave home

The O/P asks “AIBU to be considering changing the locks?

Absolutely yes.

He is not a lodger who has failed to pay rent, he’s your son.

He is far from being the only adult who has remained in the family home longer than parents would have wished.

dogsmother

I’d tread carefully too, why does he have to go? If his mental health is an issue it’s really important that you try to work with him rather than push….

I agree, and I would allow my son to live at home if he needed or wanted to.I do think some rent should be charged though, that’s only fair, to make a contribution of some kind.

Grangran19

P.S What does bump mean? ?

BUMP means to keep a thread on the ACTIVE list. If no one has posted on the thread someone can just write Bump, otherwise the thread just disappears.

"All my sons lived with me as adults. I actualy like them and their company. Why should you spend years teaching them and getting them through adolescence etc and not enjoy the results? They are all independent now."

This resonates with me.
Our youngest (37) is still here, waiting for his house purchase to complete. He did move out and rent for a while but what a waste of £600 a month when we have empty rooms.
He does his own laundry, cooks, cleans the house, looks after the dog when we're away.
All three adult children have returned home for a year or more and left again as their circumstances have changed. We've had the opportunity to live with them as adults rather than teenagers. It's been great and we have a good relationship with all of them.

My husband and I on the other hand both left home at 18 and never went back. Never wanted to and couldn't wait to leave.

I assume he doesn’t contribute to the wifi….off switch.

Is there any chance you can split the house a bit so that he has his own entrance and is independent of you.
A friend of mine has done this. Her daughter gets the front door and the two front rooms which have been adapted to a kitchenette/sitting/dining area and bedroom. Their is a cloak room by the front door. My friend gets the back door. kitchen and sitting room and all of upstairs. It works for them. Her daughter is an anxious girl who may never leave home but seems happy to have forged her own life now with the security of knowing mum is there. She pays rent and shares utilities.
My friend is enjoying independence from her daughter but is happy she knows she’s okay.

You could try getting into gaming lol, I'm a gamer and play online with my children and my gamer friends. There is a few of us older female gamers out there. The children at school think I'm really cool lol

I grew up in an age when all young adults stayed at home until marriage, so that seems normal to me. My BIL was 32 when he married, the last of the brood of 6 to leave home. 2 of ours left home to fend for themselves, but it didn`t seem right to me.

He’s never going to expand his social life and meet new friends if he’s upstairs gaming! Part time work at 25y. He’s having a nice cushy life. No wonder he doesn’t want to move out.

life is so difficult when one child does not see the need to adult up.
Glad he is self-sufficient and you are not slaving after him. A good grounding for when he does go.
I remember my younger son deciding when he left school that he was only going to work part-time so I could not take as much money off him for digs. It was made quite plain if he only earned part time money his digs were just the same and if he had nothing left it wasn't my problem. He soon found a full time job.
Sounds like he might benefit from some professional help, maybe you could speak to a few agencies and see what help is put there for him.
You are quite right to want some time to yourself and more energy for the grandchildren, stress wears you down.

A friend has a son like this. She’s been telling me for years that he would leave home…when he was 25, then 28, by the time he was 30, when he was 32…..his solution to them trying to move him on was to meet women with their own small flats and move in with them. He’s just finished with his third, his latest. Now back with mummy for the moment. He’s coming up 40.

One of my daughters lived with us for a year after university. She worked part time at anything she could find while applying for proper jobs. She helped lots in the house, bought food and cooked for us. I knew she was saving so I didn't charge her rent on top. After a year she found a good job on the other side of the country. I was pleased for her but gosh I missed her. Time flies, Grangran, maybe he just needs a bit more.

I'm interested in your reasons for saying that it doesn't work for either of you. Are there specific problems?
Or you just want your home to yourself (nothing wrong with that).

I agree he needs to be working full time unless there's a good reason why he isn't. I may have this wrong but he sounds like someone with no ambition that's just coasting along. Is his anxiety a way of avoiding having to stand on his own two feet? You may have to get firmer with him.

I have a step son who was giving us hell, aggressive, stealing and totally selfish amongst other things. He refused to learn to drive and expected DH to ferry him around. His father and I had had enough. We even considered moving to a one
bedroom flat. He did get a fulltime job though and DH literally went out and found him a flat and moved his stuff over there. I'm still loving being without him here. Total freedom.

How does he respond when you try to talk to him about it?

Gagajo If there are any paper £20 notes in that envelope, swop them for plastic ones before September 2022, when the old ones stop being legal tender (though after that you can still get them exchanged for new ones at the bank)

All my sons lived with me as adults. I actualy like them and their company. Why should you spend years teaching them and getting them through adolescence etc and not enjoy the results? They are all independent now.
Grangran19 he just sounds as if he needs a bit more time. Maybe if you could drop the subject for a bit and just accept he is there he might overcome his anxiety and want to be independent.

I would agree with him paying rent and sharing the utility bills of course but unless he's an absolute pain in the backside/abusive, I can't see a problem with him living at home.

Bluebell - that’s so good to hear…. Happy for him, and your friend! ?

P.S What does bump mean? ?

Thanks for all your comments… I do feel protective of him and not wanting to make him homeless, but he spends a lot of time gaming online and I feel resentful about his lack of engagement with me/ his household and life outside the home. I want him to move out because I want him to be independent and thriving in his life…. and I would also like to have my own space after parenting (mostly single handed) for 25+ years. The arrival of 2 small grandsons (my daughter is 24 and lives with her partner and babies) in the last 2 years has also changed my perspective hugely and I want to devote more of my time and energy to them, but I feel like I need to help my son to move on as a priority now.

My best friend could have written this only he was older 34 ish My friend loved him to bits but so wanted him to move on Then out of the blue he met a girl and it took off… about a year later he’d moved in with her and is still very happy in a decent job about 130 miles from mum

He sounds vulnerable and insecure. Not everyone is ready to fly solo at 27. Some obviously have no choice. But I would far rather he stayed at home and was looked after than ended up depressed, lonely and isolated in a grotty flat.

Some people just need more protection.

grangran if he is keeping to himself and paying his own way/looking after his own chores, why is it a problem?

I think with his mental health issues it would probably be better to get him strong and in a place where moving out is easier. Throwing him out may just make him homeless and put strain on your relationship.

I might move back in with my Mum then and say I need to save up for a house. It sounds like some children are taking advantage and some Mums like it?

A 27yo man with a job should not be staying in his room at his childhood home and having his Mother cook and clean for him unless he is ill (I know being ill has been mentioned but it doesn't sound like he is engaging with the home he lives in - and yes it could be a problem I suppose if he moves out and does the same but it might help )

The average age adult children leave home is increasing though, rising house prices and the cost of living mean it’s very common indeed for young adults to remain at home with parents until they are in their late twenties, out of economic necessity. I’d sit down with him and work out a plan together, how much it would cost for him to live independently and how you can make it happen, even if it’s a year away.

I want my children to move out and grow up, it's hardly unusual