Grandchild lives in squalor

*As for the risk of being bullied, if it has to happen, it will happen anyway
You can get bullied for your hair colour, name or last name, how you walk, etc.*

But you can’t do anything about that (well dye your hair I guess) but being smelly and dirty is preventable.

I think some people just don’t see the mess and dirt, however if the little boy is becoming grubby and dishevelled that is a different matter and it might become a child protection issue if his school notices it. There is also the question ,of hygiene, particularly in these covid times. But if his mum Is a good, loving parent that is the most important thing. Go on supporting her and maybe discreetly offer a little help with housework, on the grounds she is so busy you feel sorry that she has so much to do and would like to help?

As Grannynise wisely says, "tread very very carefully." We were in a similar situation to yours some years ago and when the opportunity presented for us to clean up, we did. Big regret. It's one of the few things that I roll around in my mind that I wish I could do over.

Maybe she is depressed. A chat with her is surely a way to go. Don't come down heavily on the dirtiness but I do think offering to help if you can, and want to, is a good idea.

Those animals in a confined space sound too many!

After my dad died, my DM suffered from depression and the 3 of us must have been, or at least looked, neglected because the rumour got back to mum that Mrs so and so had noticed things crawling in our hair but instead of helping, which DM would have preferred, she just gossiped.

Mum was happier when friends took us away and washed us and fed us, which is what you are already doing.

DD2 is a single parent and works 4 days a week. DGS2 is 3. Since she moved back to her house when he was a few months old (was in abusive relationship, partner on drugs, she was confined to bedroom with baby - he and 2 dogs had rest of house - her house - and rest of house was manky and a tip) I have helped her doing washing, dishes, hoovering etc when I look after DGS. She does rest in-between. It works well and she appreciates what I do but we have always talked about things. It is hard being a single parent and no-one else to help. In DD1 house when we visit we do anything that needs done usually dry dishes, hang washing up. She has DSiL to help. We did more when she had her babies as DGS1 was 9 weeks early and in NNU and when DGD was born DD was left with gammy foot after epidural so we helped a lot then too. It depends on relationship you have but I would caution about being blunt as that may end badly for everyone.

Yes, I have often thought how much worse it would be if the flat was clean but she wasn't a good Mum, that would be a much more devastating situation for my Grandson and I am so grateful that is not the case.

Thanks for the wise words of advice and caution, I will tread delicately

Grannynise, I am shocked !!!

Nippysweety, you are such a lovely Gran and MIL. ……

Loving mum but dirty house v clean house and not loving mum? No contest, I'd go for the former every time. We all have different standards, (there was a v long thread about people who required visitors to take off their shoes before entering the house...really!!!!) I'd totally ignore it, give your dil loads of praise for being a fab mum, offer unobtrusive help when you can but please don't ever criticise the way she keeps her home and don't offer to clean it for her. Give her and your DGS loads of love and support and accept that things aren't perfect. She's a great mem and you are a great Grandmother, please don't risk compromising that.

agree with foxie.
any kind of offer of cleaning is a criticism and may lead to a breakdown in relations.
just continue being friendly and supportive.
if she needs anything she is then more likely to ask you.
anything to do with cleaning from MILs is red rage time on MN.