To feel extremely upset about my granddaughter?

TopsyandTim,
On your post of 9th October you claim to drop your friend off after collecting her and the children from swimming, and driving them back, and yet on your post of 1st November you clearly state that you are a non driver!
Oh what a tangled web you've woven for yourself!

all the women in our family are needlessly argumentative too, god that has made me laugh! my fiend said it shows spirit

Well your FIEND would say that !

Juggernaut

TopsyandTim,
On your post of 9th October you claim to drop your friend off after collecting her and the children from swimming, and driving them back, and yet on your post of 1st November you clearly state that you are a non driver!
Oh what a tangled web you've woven for yourself!

Aha!

I think there is, somewhere, an explanation saying that topsy isn't driving at the moment as she has rheumatoid arthritis.

I pointed this out on one of the other TopsyandTim threads.
She said it was RA yet on another thread stated she had no health issues.
I think we are being led up the garden path, I was very suspicious of the “housekeeper not wanting to socialise “thread.

I think we are being led up the garden path

As long as no gardeners are appropriating her wheelbarrow…..

Mmm. I do like to be told the truth as it is what I tell to others. If someone asks for advice or help I assume they have been truthful and accept their problems on face value. If I find someone has deliberately misled me I no longer trust them. T&T can you explain this apparent anomaly?

Juggernaut

TopsyandTim,
On your post of 9th October you claim to drop your friend off after collecting her and the children from swimming, and driving them back, and yet on your post of 1st November you clearly state that you are a non driver!
Oh what a tangled web you've woven for yourself!

I clearly remember Topsy's post of 9th October, but I can't, for the life of me, find where she is supposed to have said she is a non driver. Please could someone point me in the right direction. I've read the thread multiple times.

I had a daughter who was like this to some extent, and her life from 9-19 was quite hard ! Mine was too - and her younger sister suffered a bit . I did seek help but really I just tried to stay calm and carry on - I’m sure to others it looked like she was spoilt but she wasn’t . I used to wait until she had calmed down and talk to her about why her behaviour was not ok. She did find it difficult to manage her emotions, and still does. Her sister was entirely the opposite, still is. All you can do is show unconditional love (not easy) remain the adult, try not to take it personally , explain how things will be when you go out ( ie the boundaries you will set) and if she wants to go with you then this is what will happen. She is old enough to make a choice . She loves you no doubt and will need you well into the future - no one can predict whether she will change but it would be best to work with what you have ! . By all means stand back but trying to nurture the relationship however you can will also help. Whatever you do you cannot should not try to criticise ( even silently ) your DD’s parenting style nor compare it with your own. DD has learnt her parenting from somewhere else and decided that the way she was parented was not right for her or her children or the time we live in. Young people will need to be assertive as possible to survive what is an uncertain future . Nurture that. My DD got cancer at 19, she needed all her feistiness. She is at 36 the mother of an equally feisty 4 year old and is the calmest most patient parent even in the throes of a divorce . She can still be pretty feisty with me and her sister though she is always made well aware of when it is not acceptable and always apologises if she has overstepped the mark. Outright rudeness should not of course go unchallenged but it can be done quietly and firmly - easier said than done I know ! Good
Luck

Aldom

Quote TopsyAndTim Mon 01-Nov-21 21:26:48
Grandkids aged 7 and 9 being extremely moody about walking a short distance home because their father is sometimes unable to pick them up himself in the car meaning I (as a non driver) have to walk to collect them from activities and then bring them home (Often a 5-10 minute walk only.) Also, to complain openly in front of their father and him not do anything about it. Am I wrong to feel unappreciated and like they should show some manners?

Sago thank you for taking the time to quote the relevant post. It does not appear in the thread at all on my device.
Don't understand how that could happen, but at least now it makes sense.

I think it would be best if you did not judge your daughter's efforts at parenting her family. When it comes right down to it she may have a dim view of the way she was brought up and is trying to do better than you and her father did. This is a much different world we live in and kids are stretched in all.sorts of ways that I was not when I was 9 some 55 years ago! Goodness me parents today purposely put their babies into formal childcare to foster their social development. I was ceremoniously dumped outside in my pram with a bottle of milk tilted into my mouth. My mother was inside while my elder sister pinched the bottle and drank it herself! I grew up far too insecure to say bottle to a mouse and would not have argued with my granny in any way shape or form. I would not like to say that was healthy however. No your grandchild is 9.and at that stage today she will be somewhere along the puberty pathlinr and new hormones will be starting to rear their ugly head. She very likely does get bouts of moodiness as well.as high energy rapidly followed by apparent exhaustion and 'moodiness'. We're she my grandchild I would be doing everything I could to help and understand her at this lifestyle. This is because my aim is to maintain a good relationship and open door for all my grandkids as they move towards their teenage years. If you really cannot cope you need to stand back.a bit from the role but this girl needs to know she is much loved even if she does not present as perfect.

Here is the thread Sago referred to:

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1302907-To-ask-what-you-would-think-of-this

If you are suffering with RA and not coping, even with the help of the housekeeper and your friend whom you pay to take the children swimming, TopsyAndTim, perhaps you need to tell their parents you can't help any more with the DGC.

1. How your daughter and her partner parent their children is none of your business.

2. It's very common that girls start having "mini-cycles" years before they ever start their periods. Their hormones are beginning to change cyclically, but the levels aren't high enough nor are their bodies mature enough for them to menstruate. The levels ARE high enough to cause mood fluctuations.

Is it an option for you to ask what's bothering her? You could say something like, "Your face looks sad and I notice that you sound angry. Is there something wrong that you'd like to talk about?" This way you're simply commenting on what you're observing, you're not making judgements about her behaviour. She's less likely to go on the defensive and she may feel comfortable opening up to you. If she says it's nothing or she doesn't want to talk about, you could let her know that if there is something she wants to discuss, you're willing to listen to her.

How would you ‘not have tolerated it’ with your own daughter then? What would you have done? It’s like you’re ok to be upset by her behaviour, but she’s not ok to feel grumpy? As if she’s not allowed to have feelings because she’s a child? Something very odd here.

PaperMonster, it seems obvious that the OP just isn't enjoying looking after the children. The parents should make other arrangements.

Hetty - she doesn’t sound capable of looking after them having seen her other post. I think the family do need other arrangements. I certainly wouldn’t be happy, as the mum of a 10 year old, with the situation.

PaperMonster, yes, the children must be aware of the negative vibes.

That's on the parents then.
Their responsibility to arrange childcare that's suitable.

Is OP a grandmother who also has young children…ie the swimming lesson ones ?

The swimming lesson ones are the GC Lucca. Well, that’s my understanding if I can believe anything from these contradictory statements from OP.

It looks as if you look after these grandchildren quite a lot, TopsyAndTim judging by your posts and you're struggling with them and with your RA.

It's not fair for the parents to burden you when you can't cope, even with the help of staff. You need to have a serious talk with them.

Gosh aren't some of you good at keeping track of posters!
I'd say the 9year old is perhaps justified. ^ I told her we had to leave the shops earlier^- so she was perhaps expecting to stay longer and didn't like the new arrangement.
She was annoyed about it and expressed it-she's allowed to do that why shouldn't she ?
As for the other GCs ganging up against you, you are an adult you are in charge
I also don't like the idea that her behaviour needs deeper exploration as if there is something wrong with girl who is strong willed and argumentative.
You need to start seeing any positives in this girls behaviour and focus on them.

My DD and her husband seem to think it is OK and just what kids do but I can't help but think she is too old for this and that there should be deeper exploration of why she behaves in this way

Bearing in mind not all children are the same, she sounds quite typical of children at that age.

Perhaps there should be deeper exploration into why you, an adult, would take a child’s behaviour so personally.