How do I move my son out of my house?

I did this. It took nearly a year and it wasn’t easy. He is 43 now and renting a small 1 bed flat in Birmingham. I live in Greater London. At the time he was living with me he refused to get a job/claim benefits. He was eking out a modest inheritance from his father and did not contribute to fuel/phone and did not pay rent. He was a big spender when employed abroad some years ago in East Asia so the inheritance was reducing at an alarming rate. It became clear he was only living with me to save money. He started money mooching too after a while. It all got too expensive for me. He would get abusive with me sometimes too or else he ignored me. And there was the drinking. So we did not get on. He was not open to a conversation about leaving. I found out he had no right to live in my home as he had not paid me rent. My therapist supported me and advised me to get help from a charity for abused women to get practical help. I went to the local Women’s Centre. They were gold and supported me practically through the process of getting him to leave. They reassured me as to my rights and from experience knew that the police would make sure he left. The police told me they would escort him out if necessary. Fortunately it did not come to that. I told him I had the Centre’s moral and practical support and that they knew all about the problems. I gave him a month’s deadline to go. He actually went early. He still had sufficient money of his own to fund the flat deposit. If there had been no money left, it would have been down to me and his stepfather to fund the flat with a deposit and rent in advance. Some well off people buy one for their adult child don’t they. I believe there are many in their sixties and some in their seventies going through this difficult situation. One father I knew was driven to sell his family home and downsize to make sure his several children moved out. He then bought a place in Majorca :0)

I have a niece who's son of 38 yrs is still living at home, she pays for everything. He went to Uni dropped out after 2 years, said they couldn't teach him anything. He's never worked at all, he's sponged off her for years, I could go on and on.
Well you can't physically throw him out.
You have to do some straight talking, put it down on paper so he really understands what your problem is.
It is absolutely ridiculous that you are having to pay for storage in the States, I would stop that immediately.
I think he is being very selfish and unreasonable to expect a lady of your age to support him unfortunately you are his crutch.
Does he not receive any money at all.

PJN1952, I've been reading through all the responses from the grans on this thread and come to the conclusion that you may have been looking for advice in the wrong place since there have been so many different interpretations of your son's condition. I agree that you need to get in touch with CAB for advice on benefits. Surely, as he is a British citizen, your son should have an entitlement to claim some benefit, depending on the extent and diagnosis of his disability. As you are over pensionable age, you won't be entitled to Carer's Allowance. I have known cases where a claimant was allowed to claim housing benefit while living under a parent's roof. There are many avenues to explore. You say his tablets don't always work. Are you sure that he always takes them? Is he registered with a GP? If not, please make sure that he is.
Good luck and try for the 'iron hand in the velvet glove' approach.

That’s not very kind - he needs help to move his life forward and face reality.

I think you ned to start making life a lot less comfortable for him.

PJN1952 He may be able to get a Social Worker who could assist him with housing, benefits etc? It sounds as if, with a Learning Disability and MH, he does need specific support to lead an independant life.

Perhaps he's not able to live independantly? Either way, you won't always be here (sorry to say it like that) so enabling him now isn't going to help him in his future. I think he needs to start exploring opportunities with a view to assisted living or getting help and support with benefits and housing.

You deserve your pension to yourself and to enjoy your retirement. It's not selfish to want a life of your own. You know him better than anyone with regard to what he can and can't cope with, so you could explore a range of options to go through with him so that he knows he will be moving out- it's just a choice of how, where and when. Perhaps he can make some choices for himself about these, which might help boost his confidence.

welbeck I agree. My experience is that home is the worst place for such people to be, but unfortunately there is so little help for people like this, this is their only option.

His mother paid for his psychological assessment, presumably because no-one in the NHS had time to listen to her or him and refer him. The standard reaction of the authorities who should be helping, is that as he has a parent prepared to house him, then they can shrug the situation off as not being urgent or important.

I suspect the only way he will get help is if his mother kicks him out, changes the locks, he starts living on the streets and behaving in way that makes him a danger to the public, then the police and mental health people will get involved.

But if your son was in this situation, could you kick him out and watch him living on the streets and becoming seriously and possibly dangerously mentally ill without doing anything to help.?

he may need or benefit from some kind of supported housing, but that doesn't mean that his mother must provide it, or even that she is the best person to provide it.
quite apart from her right to some kind of life of her own.

I agree with MOnica he sounds as if he is on the autistic spectrum and he will need a lot of help to move on as he has got stuck and become reliant on you. Where will he move out to if you throw him out, how will he pay for it. Maybe a part time job to start with, plenty of Christmas jobs going now, he needs to build up a CV however small. It seems unlikely he will get back to the US, certainly as things stand. Do start the conversation, one thing at a time, it is not easy I know.

But it can make you afraid to face a world that you find it difficult to function in. However, metaphorically, kicking him out the door and changing the locks is not going to help, he is more likely to end up homeless and unemployed and descending into mentl illness.

He obviously managed to function until he returned from the USA, but once home because he had a loving home and family, he was able to give up the struggle to cope and with cases like this, the longer this goes on the harder it is for the affected person to re-engage with life.

I was once involved with trying to help someone in a similar situation and it is very difficult. They have often lost any skills they had to cope with the world, they are often unemployable because they have not worked for so long and any skills they had are out of date. They really need therapeutic help to help them re-engage with life outside their home. It may be that he is now incapable of living anywhere but in supported accommodation.

Having a diagnosis of adhd and autism does not render you dependent - it depends on the degree of the conditions

But this is not a case of a 'layabout' son. This man shows every sign of having a mental disability, which is an entirely different thing.

He needs to be enabled to seek help.

Good on her. It shows what you can do when you have to and you’re not afraid of hard work.

Hetty58

Wow for the daughter - so happy for her

It seems that some people are enabled to do so very little (with the best of intentions) and it really doesn't help them.

My friend was told to leave school at 16 and bring some money home. Her parents saw further education as pointless - as she'd just marry and have children. Her brother was encouraged to take A levels and go to university, as he'd be a breadwinner.

She found herself abandoned with a newborn, made homeless when she refused adoption - yet worked and studied (non stop) for years, gaining a first class honours, then a PhD - and works for a top university.

Her brother? He returned home from uni for the first Christmas break, never went back - and has never been able to hold down a job!

geekesse

I worked full time, was a single parent to five children, and finished my part-time PhD in six years. If he’s spent seven years in the US and five years in the U.K. working full time on his research, that makes 12 years. I think it highly unlikely he’s ever going to finish it - in fact, I’d want to see proof that he is still registered with the university.

Even if he does complete his research, there’s no guarantee that he’ll be awarded a PhD. In the meantime, at the very least, your son should be working to support himself and pay his way while he is living in the U.K. Are you quite sure he’s actually working on his research and not playing video games, gambling or watching porn while he’s ‘working’?

Just what I was thinking!!
And do you know what he has in storage out there, and that the money is definitely going towards it and not to some debt or other he got into, or even going to him via some roundabout route?
I'm an un-trusting person which does make me a tad paranoid, I know, but you really need to check things out properly!!

Apologies MOnica - I’d missed that.

*JeanneLeFol. You are not the odd one out here. This is what a significant number of us have already said. Just read up this page.

I’m sorry but I have to be the odd one out here. I don’t think your son is just a freeloader, he sounds as if he has debilitating mental health issues. He appears to have nothing in his life but you and his cat. By all means look into advice to help him get benefits etc but please think carefully before forcing him out the door. Personally I’ve known two people in similar situations who went down that route, and without going into details, both had very tragic consequences.

MOnica, perhaps you will allow me to say that you always give very wise advice and you are very knowledgable.
Cold I missed that he was working as a tutor in the US but then his knowledge in this fast moving area would have been up to date. It won’t be now. So I don’t see that as an option unless he has the ability to work as a tutor in a more static subject such as say maths, but even there he won’t be familiar with the National Curriculum so I really don’t think someone who has basically been messing around with computers for five years has what’s needed without a great deal of brushing up and going through the usual checks. He really does need professional assistance to move forwards.

GSM No I am not.

He was working as a tutor in the US when he needed to to continue with his PhD. Is there any reason that he cannot do that in the UK to contribute to bills? or has he just got too used to you paying for him?

Yes. You’re always very wise MOnica.

GSM I think he has mentally disabilities and has spun this web of disinformation because of that. He needs psychological and possibly psychiatric help to enable him to turn his life around and start to live in the world - or he may possibly need to live in a sheltered environment.

I forgot - there are also limits to how much you can work and area of work while holding a visa