To say what more can we do?

I can’t see anything wrong with asking other people who have access to your home, questions if you think you may have been burgled. I suppose it’s how you do it though.

In my opinion, I wouldn’t leave her the responsibility for your house when you’re away, at any time, regardless of whether you think she has been stealing or not.

It’s a shame the communication has broken down, but this in itself would probably make me think it’s time to get a new nanny.

They are trying to demonstrate to the nanny that they trust her enough to give her the key to their house while they're away. It was for her benefit not their's. OP I think you are getting a rather hard time on here.

For goodness sake leave her alone. In her shoes I’d tell u to st*ff the key too.
Get a burglar alarm installed if you worry about house whilst you are away. She’s not responsible for your house!
Why are you turning this into an industry? Move on.

Then, OP, your dh needs to learn to address his communication handicap.

It is up to your dh for this not to happen again instead of trying to convince somebody that you trust her.

You have my sympathy Stars . My husband is usually very considerate but occasionally has major foot in mouth moments when other people are antagonised and the healing process takes ages.
What's done is done. I would stop scratching at the wound and just hope for the best.
I have to say when I'm asked to care for neighbours' homes and gardens while they are away my heart sinks. Something always goes wrong on my watch!

What’s done is done and can’t be undone. Once that seed of distrust was sown there was no going back. I think all you can do is try to act normally and stop trying to get her to take the keys in an effort to show you trust her. She will probably leave when she can find another position, as would I, and there’s nothing you can do to change that or turn the clock back.

A second out the mouth is a lifetime in the head.
She felt like she was being accused,as would i in her shoes.
I would be giving you the keys back 100%.
Your husband never attended charm school then.

I think it would be too much responsibility for her to have the key. What if something went wrong or you actually were burgled? She would feel responsible. I wouldn’t worry about it,though.

You've obviously done your best to rectify things. You can't really do any more. If the children are happy with the nanny that's the main thing. And they're lucky to have loving grandparents providing them with a secure home when their parents are unable to.
Everyone makes mistakes. Stop beating yourself up.

We are trying to do the opposite. Show she is trusted.
Maybe she never will trust us and we have to accept this which is really sad as it is all just a misunderstanding. I did tell her that my husbands communication style is not very good and yes, this sort of thing has happened before with others. She has most interaction with him so want them to get on well but it seems it can't happen due to this incident which as I say, is just sad.

OP, what you need to understand is that no matter what your husband said and no matter how he put it, what he said rose from a thought process and values that immediately put the nanny in the frame for stealing that that went missing..

For someone in her position being accused of theft is just about the most damaging accusation, or sort of accusation, call it what you will, that can be made.

Your constantly pressing the key on her must look to her as if you are trying to set her up, so that you can engineer a more successful way of accusing her if being a thief.

crazyh
What has being Jewish have to do with your former friend's distrust?

You don’t get it do you ?
She is an employee for the children not a custodian of your house
Why should she have the concern and worry of extra responsibility, are you offering her an extra wage for this new job?
You are putting her in a VERY difficult situation and I m not surprised if she is looking to move on

OP

I hope you understand that despite your claims of your husband not meaning anything by his allegations, they came across very differently

Why did he even need to mention anything, knowing she wasn't there that day?
There was no need to do that at all.

Is this the first time that anybody misunderstands your DH's comments?

you both sound rather crass.
you seem annoyed that she won't take the key.
but maybe she doesn't want to, and never would have taken it, quite apart from your husband's stupidity.
why should she be burdened with extra responsibility, quite outwith of child-care, just to prove a point that you two have devised.
frankly i too would be looking for another job.
people on here have explained the issue to you, but you are resistant to seeing it.
there's not much more that we can do.

She may well have accepted that what your husband said was clumsily put, it doesn't mean she has to go along with your (rather patronising in my view) method of "proving" you trust her. She may not fully trust you.
Respect her for the professional job she does and leave it at that.

We do suspect she may be looking elsewhere but perhaps struggling as she has 2 chronic health issues.
It's just frustrating as we know that short of telling her we trust her, there is nothing more we can do. All because of my husbands thoughtlessness. He honestly meant nothing by it. None of it was aimed at her. He was just talking about it. He can see why she feels this way but it's hard as obviously we have reassured her and it hasn't really worked.

As others have already said if I was the Nanny I definitely wouldn’t want to have a key to your house whilst you were away. The element of trust certainly with regard to your husband has been broken. I don’t think I could continue to work for someone in this situation despite your reassurances.

I will never forget an old (85 years ) Jewish friend who I used to visit regularly and take an occasional ‘plate’ , made this awful comment - I am paraphrasing - you know H, there are some people who try to build a friendship with elderly people, hoping they will be mentioned in the will. I never visited her after that and she wondered why!!!
Words can hurt and have unwanted repercussions. I hope your Nanny will try to understand and put it behind her

SAA The mere fact that an employer would even have such a conversation, however put, would awake warning bells if I was the nanny. There would always be the knowledge that a conversation of the kind that had happened and the employer could think like that.

Put yourself in the nanny's position, she is an employee, her future working life is entirely in your employer's hands. A doubtful reference or no reference can destroy your career. If the employer wants to blame you for anything, you are not in a good posititon. It is a risk not worth taking. She must really like you to have stayed, but she quite sensibly is taking no risks.

As I said. The chances of anything happening to the house while we were away for the week is slim. We just wanted to prove we trusted her rather than expecting her to sort anything out.
I guess I thought she had accepted that what my husband said was clumsy but not an accusation but this incident showed that it isnt the case which is difficult.

If I were the nanny, I’d be suspicious that I was being set up to be blamed for something. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want a key. I can’t see how this can truly be mended.

She maybe just doesn't want the responsibility of being on call for your house while you're away? She's a nanny, her training and responsibilities are to the children, not your property.
Unless she previously held your keys while you were away I'd say you could be reading too much into her refusal now.

Some actions cannot be fixed with words

The thing that she was offered the key while you were away, instead of trust, could be interpreted as something she could do for you

I am surprised she is still working for you