Is he using porn sites?

Perhaps your daughter could tempt him to enjoy some sex without penetration. E.g. massage or oral.

Phew. Who knows jezra but I would butt out. Nothing to do with you no matter what the opinion is here. Leave your daughter to figure out. Some things in a marriage can’t be sorted by a 3rd party.

I’m a bit confused as to whether they both have their own email addresses, because if he’s investigating porn from his own email address why would she get the associated spam ?

However, that aside, without the change in behaviour, I would have said, as other posters have, that spam like this is as a result of harvesting email addresses from other sources. But it does sound as though he’s having some problems related to potency or sex drive and he’s possibly been trying various things to turn himself on. He’s obviously not succeeding and is becoming more reluctant to discuss it as a result.

I think issuing ultimatums is counter productive and quite cruel to be honest - men are crap at seeking advice for any kind of medical problems, let alone something so intimate. Having said that she needs to be firm and insist that he tell her what the problem is so that he can get the appropriate help he needs - and stress that whatever it is, it’s better faced together, than him carrying on like this alone.

Men are just not very good at talking about their problems. If it was me I would wait until he was in position where it wasn’t very easy to get away from you and you start talking about the problem, don’t do it by asking questions but saying what the problem is and what you think.

I get all those dodgy emails too, they come in waves, ands yes its because that email address has been harvested from somewhere. I tracked down two of the hacked addresses to friends of mine who have since died so I can't even go to them and tell them their address was hacked and to change it. The emails and her husbands behaviour probabaly are not linked and she wouldn't get the emails unless they share an email address.....but having said that they do have some kind of problem and need to talk about it.

It seems like the one and only solution is to talk - which he's refusing to do.

Your daughter is in an awful situation. She knows there's a problem, doesn't know what it is, knows what she should do about it, but can't.

Whatever the issue is, and however much her husband doesn't want to communicate, things will only get worse if he doesn't open up. And that's really, really unfair - she's left to bear the burden and, basically, shut up about it.

Personally, I think it's time for an ultimatum. Either he talks, or she walks. Does he really expect her to simply accept this without any explanation? However difficult it might be for him to open up, he's being very, very selfish.

Strange, I never get spam about dubious stuff despite being online far more than I should be.
I think it is lovely that your daughter feels able to confide in you. Well done as a mum Jezra, you have clearly done an excellent job.
Had it been my daughter I would have advised forcing the husband to discuss their problem and if he refuses ask him to leave.
I do hope they work it out.

luluaugust, I agree that it could well be anxiety/depression - as it's been a tough time for everyone recently.

I did read earlier in the pandemic that it had been thought that people WFH would have a lot more sexual activity but that in fact the opposite has turned out to be true. Of course he may well be accessing porn as a vast number of the population apparently do but could it also be a mental stuck at home problem.

I’d suggest she parks the email problem and gives herself a new email address.

Interesting that his behaviour has changed for the better but it sounds as though he definitely has something on his mind. Lots of men, DH included finds it very difficult to talk about his worries.

Perhaps she could try chatting to him about how she’s feeling about the relationship eg shut out, lonely etc. This may prompt a response but not necessarily but it could be worth a try.

Husbands a partners not sharing their problems, worries etc can be very upsetting. At least you are there for her and she can unload on you which may also help. In my experience, these worries can take on a life of their own so keep an eye on her mental health.

I get loads of dodgy emails and I don't go on dodgy websites. I just delete them, never try to unsubscribe. I wouldn't agree with buying Viagra for him, that could be dangerous. I would only ever take drugs prescribed by my doctor.
The only solution to this is for them to talk. If he won't then I would suggest she gives him an ultimatum that she will leave if he doesn't talk and speak medical advice.

DH uses Car auction websites, his mates send him links to Car Auction websites and car parts websites, we are all inundated with dubious junk Mail, but it just gets deleted.
DH now has his own email address but I still get all of this rubbish.
I also get ‘free vouchers’, free offers, holiday offers etc.from well known American supermarkets and U.K. holiday sites, once you have logged onto their websites they inundate you with junk.
Again, all in the junk mail file so it gets deleted unread.

I get lots of emails telling me how to get a better erection, where to find girls etc. No one else uses my iPad, I don’t visit that type of site and have a very female sounding name.
His change in behaviour could be for many different reasons, he could be suffering from erectile dysfunction, many men find that difficult to talk about to anyone including their partners and he could be being extra nice to make up for what he perceives to be a failure on his part.

I think the poor man probably has a problem with a dodgy ‘what’s it’ (hence the lack of sex) and has looked something up and is now deluged with these emails So no MissA it’s certainly not clear cut ….if you look in your junk you ll probably find plenty in yours
I ve had weeks of bitcoin emails in mine and I ve never looked anything up about bitcoins Before I had an iPad (this catches them all really well) I used to get all sorts of penis enlarger and girls from Russia emails and I m into neither honest) ?

I have never accessed porn on my iPad or computer and no one else has used them. Yet I get these dodgy emails all the time in my junk mail. I really think they are just random, sent out by the trillion to addresses acquired on the Dark Web. The subject matter seems to focus on one topic ie bust or penis enhancements for a few weeks then move on to selling bitcoins. I just delete them without opening them.

So it’s not necessarily linked to searches being made by the husband on their computer.

I have never been on any porn sites but have mail in my spam that relates to porn so that is by no means any proof that he is up to anything.

Maybe they are just going through a bad patch or he doesn’t feel the same about her anymore.

Without hearing his side of how he sees the relationship you cannot judge that he is at fault.

The only way anything will change is if they talk and if he won't then the next step is probably separation.

If the man is behaving the way he is and some dodgy mail is coming into her account it is not unreasonable to make a link.

Has his wife told him about the mail she is receiving.

Another possible explanation, is that he is suffering from erectile disfunction and is too embarrassed to talk to doctors about it and is trying to use pornography as a cure.

Here is a high risk strategy. The lady in queston should buy some viagra or one of those cures for erectile difunction advertised on tv. She discusses their lack of intimacy, asks whether if he is suffering from erectile disfunction and say he doesn't have to see a doctor, there are pills availabl and you have bought some. I imagine his response to this will be explosive, but it might get him talking. As I said, high risk

I once looked up vaginal dryness online and started getting emails for penile lengthening, erectile disjunction, Russian wives and for being a naughty girl who needs correcting. None of which was what I needed. It could be possible he’s looking for help for sexual matters and he’s getting bombarded with ads. If she can’t talk to him then why doesn’t she write him a letter. That could at least open lines of communication.

Thanks!

Well named MissAdventure?

MissAdventure, I never look at 'dodgy stuff' myself (not interested) so I know they are sent randomly too.

I only get dodgy emails if I've been looking at dodgy stuff.
I have a taste for the bizarre, and sometimes they spark up a flurry of sex related emails.

Flossiebo, same here, in my junk mail there's sometimes a sexy female wanting to connect - or a special offer on 'male enhancements' so I just block them.

I regularly get 'suggestive' emails form buxom females who want me to connect with them.

I have a Christian name that is predominantly female in the West, but male elsewhere.

I promise I don't visit dodgy websites, so at least explore all options before finding him guilty!

Thank you Hetty58. She doesn’t share info on her sex life with me as a rule. She is genuinely worried and upset.
It could well be that their computer has been compromised by a hacker but that still doesn’t explain his odd behaviour. However, It’s their problem really. I don’t want to get any more involved and certainly don’t want my SILaw to realise my DD has been talking to me.