Gransnet forums


Daughter out all night

(104 Posts)
muggle1965 Tue 28-Dec-21 20:19:25

My 29 year old daughter has returned home as recently split from her partner. They have a 2 year old daughter who also now lives with us. Obviously she has total freedom to come and go as she pleases. However, three times now she has spent the night with friends but not told me so I was expecting her home to sleep. In the morning, I discover her room empty and worry. She thinks I'm being unreasonable as she's an adult so can please herself. I just ask that she sends me a text to say she won't be home. Just to add, her daughter is with her dad on those nights.

wildswan16 Wed 29-Dec-21 08:19:32

My adult children live far away. So I never know if they are back to their homes safely. I never worry.

However, when they visit me I can't sleep until I know they are back and in their beds!

But I do think that as she is leaving a daughter in your care, it would be sensible and respectful to ask if you would take over her care for the night and following morning. A text is a simple thing to do.

LindaPat Wed 29-Dec-21 08:41:03

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect a text or msg from your daughter if she decides to stay away all night, purely from a safety point of view.

No-one is saying she shouldn't be free to come and go as she pleases, but she is living in your house and should let you know if her plans change, especially as you are in charge of her daughter while she is out.

Our children are both grown, with homes of their own, and obviously we don't know the details of their comings and goings. But...if they are staying over with us, or have been over to visit, I can't settle until I know they are safely home. I don't worry otherwise!

They both send either a " home safe" msg, or a thumbs up, as they know I would worry if they didn't. It only takes a second to do, and puts my mind at rest.

Take care xx

lemsip Wed 29-Dec-21 08:42:32

of course she can sleep out if she wantsbut its common courtesy to drop you a text. manners cost nothing......what about when you had to bolt the door before you went to bed, you had to know who was in!

25Avalon Wed 29-Dec-21 08:44:36

Dd needs to understand that this is a worry for her mum and mum worries about her because she cares. Yes if dd lived elsewhere mum would not know and it is dd’s life. However she is not living elsewhere so when mum finds an empty room in the morning, of course she worries.

Muggle URNBU. Dd should send a text out of common courtesy if nothing else. That is the adult way to behave. She can always laugh with her friends and say ‘mum’s an old fuddy duddy’ if she feels embarrassed.

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 29-Dec-21 08:54:28

I may think differently to most people, but it’s always my house my rules whatever the age. My husband and I have done all the waiting up, picking up, and not able to sleep, because one of the kids is still out! Expect that when they’re teenagers and exploring for the first we were younger.

29? NO, and certainly not with a child in tow. We’ve had several children back and forth for different reasons, and they didn’t regress to being 18 again. We’ve done all that. No more.

You are giving your daughter a home. It must be lovely to have your little granddaughter, but this shouldn’t mean your daughter can exploit that, which she seems to be. If nothing else....she is forcing responsibility for your granddaughter onto you.

Not acceptable in my opinion.

Granarchist Wed 29-Dec-21 09:50:09

I think you need to say you are not interfering but like it or not you worry about her. So to put your mind at rest, please can she just text if she is not coming back so you can sleep easy.

Iam64 Wed 29-Dec-21 09:59:31

Basic manners to let other people you’re living with if you won’t be home overnight. It’s rude to behave like an inconsiderate teen. When ours were home from university, or on many of the various bounce backs, they suggested they’d text by 11pm if they were going to be in at silly o’clock, or staying out overnight.

eazybee Wed 29-Dec-21 10:20:28

It is immature of your daughter not to let you know when she stays out all night, when sending a text is so simple. You are not objecting to her staying out all night, simply the fact that you don't know if this is intentional. Sarah Everard springs to mind immediately.

love0c Wed 29-Dec-21 10:20:34

She is an adult but certainly not acting like one. Reverted back to acting like a teenager. At the very least she should let her parents know she is not gong to be sleeping at home.

Sunlover Wed 29-Dec-21 10:25:01

I wonder how she would feel if you went out for the evening and stayed out all night without contacting her. I know my children would be worried sick.

Kali2 Wed 29-Dec-21 10:32:38

Perhaps a good idea to do this- and get the message across ;)

and then have a good chat about dual expectations/respect.

sazz1 Wed 29-Dec-21 13:06:39

I'd be worried for her safety if she suddenly didn't come home. Just tell her to text you if she's staying out overnight. You don't need details but need to know she's safe. My daughter always did the same when she lived with us.

GagaJo Wed 29-Dec-21 13:31:00

Ultimately though, you can ask / suggest / insist but the only persons behaviour we can really change is our own. We can't actually make anyone else do what we want.

A calm chat about a text, out of respect, is a great idea. But after that, unless you can face the ongoing confrontation, you might have to let the idea drop.

JaneJudge Wed 29-Dec-21 13:34:57

I ask mine in their 20s to do the same, just text so I know and they do that. I don't think it's an excessive request whilst they are at home

Daisend1 Wed 29-Dec-21 13:53:47

Have respect when sharing anothers' home be you related or not.

Iam64 Wed 29-Dec-21 14:01:08

Why would there be ongoing confrontation? Why should this mother let the idea of a bit of consideration drop?

Fleur20 Wed 29-Dec-21 14:08:58

Downright rude not to drop you a text.
You are not asking her where or who she is with.
Basic manners.

Ilovecheese Wed 29-Dec-21 18:21:56

Could you phrase it that you are worried for your own safety as you can't lock up properly unless you know she will definitely not be back. Put her in the position of the adult looking after you, rather than the other way round.

Dickens Wed 29-Dec-21 19:45:39

I think because your daughter appears to have had a bit of a tough time and her mind is possibly occupied elsewhere, it probably doesn't occur to her that it is just basic courtesy if you are staying with someone to let them know if you are going to be out all night - for all the reasons mentioned by other posters.

Her response - that she's an adult and can please herself - indicates that she appears to think you're censoring her... if you point out the practicalities of the issue, she might stop thinking that you're treating her like a child and realise that it's just basic common sense to let the people whose house you're living in know whether you're going to be out all night!

Kali2 Wed 29-Dec-21 19:53:58


Why would there be ongoing confrontation? Why should this mother let the idea of a bit of consideration drop?

Exactly this - the daughter has chosen to return home, and the mother has agreed, probably without rent and wll expenses covered + help with childcare and more. So the courtesy and respect has to be both ways. Just because the mother is the mother, she doesn't have the obligation to host her daughter and grandchild (although, like her, I would do it with great pleasure, and have done so myself) - so is entitled to expect respect. This is not about control, just basic respect.

Daughter has another choice ...

Kali2 Wed 29-Dec-21 19:54:21

Mothers are not doormats...

GagaJo Wed 29-Dec-21 20:08:42


Why would there be ongoing confrontation? Why should this mother let the idea of a bit of consideration drop?

For her own peace of mind. Constant confrontation isn't good for anyone. You can't change others if they're determined not to. But you can change your response to them.

Iam64 Wed 29-Dec-21 21:34:14

I absolutely agree we can’t change others but can change our response. That’s in a different league to expectations that people Sharing the same home also share love and respect.

dogsmother Wed 29-Dec-21 21:51:55

Another perspective.
You are not babysitting when she does this.
If you were to stay out unexpectedly why should you have too explain yourself to her. You are all adults sharing the same house. It would be nice to treat each other that way.

Doodledog Wed 29-Dec-21 22:41:50

If she is paying rent she is a housemate, and maybe that's different. If not, she is a guest, and she should behave like one.

I completely understand your not wanting to fall out with her, and that you want to be there for her when she needs you, but not only is it disrespectful of her not to text you, it is also disrespectful of her to ignore your request for her to let you know if she is staying out. She knows it bothers you. It doesn't matter if she understands why it bothers you - she knows it does, and that should be enough for her to get over herself and send a text.