Seeing adult children over Christmas

Yes, I love my children unconditionally, but we have always operated as a family.

My children live 90 and 200 miles away. When DD was seriously injured in a car accident we were there for her and livd with her for 2 months and were with her for 5 further operations and other treatments. The same when DGS's nursery shut down with no notice. i drove the 200 miles to care for DGS while his parents found a new nursery.

When DH was critically ill last Christmas and his life was on a knife edge, one or other of our children was with me every weekend, despite the inconvenience and difficulty they both had with work demands and family.

This year both have spent a whole week staying with us over Christmas. This happens every other year and we will see them again in February when we all go north to see DGD in a ballet show.

All of us, and it includes DiL's relationship with her family, see ourselves as family, not them and us and our relationship is reciprocal.

MercuryQueen I agree with everything you've said.

Oooof. They're key workers, on shifts. That goes a LONG way to explaining their schedule and the February time line, imo. It may well be that they're on opposite shifts for the next however knows how long, trying to juggle finding some family time with them and their kids, plus extended family. Especially with the surge in pandemic cases happening. More and more key workers are getting ill, leaving gaps in schedules... I wouldn't be at all surprised if they're in a 'all hands on deck' situation, especially if either of them is in health care.

They're probably stressed and burnt out, barely hanging on.

Give them as much grace as you can.

should I refuse in order to teach them to be nicer to me?

No!

I suggest that you accept their offer of visiting in February for this year and when you meet ask if you could just have a chat about Christmas times in general. Say that you understand how busy they are, that you love seeing them and the grandchildren and that you would really appreciate seeing them during the Christmas season and could you all maybe arrange something very soon for next Xmasd? Invite them to yours overnight maybe? Or offer to go to them for 2 nights during the xmas period, and to babysit on one night and have a meal together/presents etc on another night.

If they say they don't want to do that then at least you know that you have offered etc and also that they know how much you would appreciate seeing them. At that point depending on their reaction, it might help you to decide the best way forward for yourself

Glad you’re feeling better about things Mynxie , I would have been hurt too, but they do all sound really busy in these trying times, sure they love and value you very much.

MOnica

But I love them unconditionally and if the other (nearer) grandparents will not or can not babysit then I will. Both my son and DIL are key workers and have worked throughout the pandemic and lockdowns, both working shifts and juggling all child care between them - sometimes having to home school as well. Is it wrong to enable them have a well deserved break now and again or should I refuse in order to teach them to be nicer to me? I’m not a doormat, just a mum trying to do the best for her family and although I was upset at not seeing them at all over Christmas I’m over it now and will carry on supporting them as I always have done.

... and she does it. The other grandparents have no doubt set limits and the son and wife know that if they tell the OP to jump, she will, so they do as frequently as they want.

I missed that she lived 100 miles away. In those circumstances I would expect to be called upon only in the direst emergency.

As this thread show,s the way women will support other women who are being used as doormats, by extolling their love for their grandchildren and its possible return in future by the grandchildren, is quite horrifying.

Her grandchildren, after a short period of affection will soon start acting like their parents, demanding things of their grandmother when they want something, but otherwise ignoring her.

The OP should put an immediate halt to this exploitation. How about telling her selfish son that the cost of travel between her house and theirs is getting beyond her means in these inflationary times and that in future she can only come if they can pay for a tankful of petrol or her rail ticket.

A round trip of 100 miles each way, say a car doing 30 miles to the gallon, that is roughly 7 gallons at 4.5 litres to the gallon = approx 32 litres at £1.50 a litre. £48 a trip. She should not accept a penny less.

tickingbird

DiscoDancer what a strange thing to say. “They must trust you implicitly to leave them overnight with you”. I, personally, wouldn’t have left my children with anyone but my mother, or Mil. That way they’re left with someone that loves them and will guard them the same as I would. That’s what grans do!

Well, I suppose I was just thinking that, although the other grandparents live in the same town...they’re not being asked to babysit. Instead, they’re asking Mynxie to drive 100 miles to do it.

If it’s not because they trust her implicitly, then that’s a strange thing to do!

Go and read the 'Daughter-in-law thread' for stories of AC who who have their parents high on their priority list.

I think that most of you are being far kinder to these AC than they deserve. Most older people have adult children with busy lives and plenty of them have AC who visit and keep in contact and visit their parents regularly, even when there is quite a distance between them.

It is all a question of priorities and some AC give their parents high priority

DiscoDancer what a strange thing to say. “They must trust you implicitly to leave them overnight with you”. I, personally, wouldn’t have left my children with anyone but my mother, or Mil. That way they’re left with someone that loves them and will guard them the same as I would. That’s what grans do!

Mynxie I would feel very hurt too. I don't think it was fair of someone to imply that you gave help expecting something in return. Of course, it is difficult for young people to juggle various responsibilities but I think to have to wait until February is a bit thoughtless on your son's part.

However, I don't think it would be right or wise to withhold your help in future, as some have suggested. You don't, though, have to make yourself available if you have already made plans to do something else.

Whilst it normal for you to feel let-down about this, just consider the fact that it probably means that they know that they are totally safely in loved by you.
Rather as we know that children who feel totally safe and secure in their home relationships are more likely to behave badly with those adults, whereas children who do not feel secure are more likely to behave well.
So, they feel that they do not have to make arrangements with you as they know you will always be there for them.
Sometime, in the future, you could just mention that you felt slighted and let down by not seeing them at all over the festive season,
Really not worth making a big thing about it, nice to know that they have a large social circle, shows how well your single parent bringing up has been.

My AC is single and childless, but works in a service industry, with a schedule that has them working any six days a week, with rarely two days in a row off. We live 2 hrs from them.

They fit us in when they can, which is once couple of months on average for a visit. Sometimes those visits are a flying, "Hey!" hugs all around, and gone again in under an hour.

It is the way it is, and we accept it. We enjoy the visits when they happen, and understand how it is. Perhaps it's having worked in health care, with the zero guarantee of stable shifts or holidays, I don't have expectations as to timing or frequency of visits. I'd much rather have a flying under an hour visit b/c my AC wanted to fit us in, than a longer visit out of obligation.

AC is busy in a new career, getting their lives together. Their ability to visit, or length of visit is in no way is a litmus test of their love for us.

LadyGaGa I certainly did not say put up or shut up, nor did some others.

On the contrary, I do think selfish children should be pulled up. The children become selfish because their parents let them run rough shod over them.

I was a suitably selfish parent and as a result have quite a good relationship with my children.

I don’t know what other people have said, but if you have any chance to see your grandchildren, I would take it graciously, and not ask anything of them outside of that.

They must trust you implicitly to leave the children with you overnight. There’s obviously no one else who can/ wants to do it, and sorry if the reasons for this has come up.

You’re sewing seeds at the moment, for future years with your grandchildren. They’re seeing what you’re doing, even if you think you’re unappreciated and undervalued.

Don’t hanker...just enjoy, and I’m sure you’ll reap what you have sewn.

Who knows....one day they may be living close to you, but in the meantime, concentrate on you...and your life.

Happy New Year to you.

I do understand Mynxie Our children can really hurt us can’t they? It seems that the theme on here is that we all ‘put up and shut up’ I too didn’t bad mouth my ex husband, I don’t complain when my AC and step AC make their own arrangements without a thought for me or my husband or when a day/outing/get together that I have tirelessly arranged seems like a chore to some. They are certainly not bad people and I love them all dearly, but I think that because I am always so understanding (or appear to be) they think I’m fine with everything. I know that if I actually told them how I felt sometimes they would be shocked and upset. My new years resolution is to be a bit more selfish! (Who am I kidding ?) Happy New Year ? everyone x

I'd ban christmas. There is more pain at christmas than all the rest of the year put together. To say nothing of the increase in domestic and child abuse, and debt due to all the presents and extra luxury food expected.

Perhaps you have been so supportive, so willing to bend backwards and do anything for them, you have ended up with selfish children who see you as being there entirely for their convenience.

Try saying 'no' to them, assert your right to an independent life or do a deal with them. 'Yes, I will babysit, but leave DGS/GD with me overnight and when you collect them the next day, stay to lunch' .

There is a very narrow line between being a loving and supportive parents and a doormate., with all that entails.

You are well within your rights to feel upset. Their behaviour is thoughtless. I advise you to make more of a life for yourself if you can and babysit if you can without putting yourself out. I have always found in life that if you lay down and act like a doormat you get treated like one. People aren’t even aware they’re doing it most of the time.

It's possible they think you are happy as things are because you've seen the GC and spent time with them, and just don't realise you'd like to see them, too!!
Book your visit in for next Christmas, ask if you could spend the week there, sharing time with them all and not just the GC? I'm sure they'd be happy to know you actually want to spend some time with them with the children!
But don't just wait for Christmas, ask to see them at Easter and birthdays, too. I don't mean to hog all the important days, but you could spend some time with them around those days, too. Or invite them all to come and stay with you, if possible!
Don't be their cash-cow, tho. Let other family members help them out as well!!

Mynxie try to look at the positive side of the babysitting arrangements, which you say you do willingly.
You are such an important part of your grandchildrens' lives and the 6 year old in particular must be building such a great personal relationship with you now.
We're the distant grandparents and the only babysitters too, despite the other family all living in the same town.
Our own parents were never keen to babysit our children and missed out on such a lot.

Christmas is a nightmare time for trying to please everyone with family visits. Try to put it behind you and I hope you enjoy your February get-together with them all ?

Sometimes the two sets of grandparents are together with their children and grand children on Christmas Day. No one has mentioned that.

Mynxie you sound wonderful. They really need to appreciate you more

I do feel for you. It makes me really appreciate that my daughter refuses to exclude me and my DH at Xmas regardless of what's happening. Tell them now that you want time next Xmas but don't change being the wonderful nana you clearly already are xx