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AIBU
AIBU to expect to see my new grandson more than once a week/spend time alone with gc?
(119 Posts)Hello all
My son is engaged and he and his fiancé “DIL” are expecting a baby boy in late February. They also have a 4 y.o girl who is DIL’s from a previous relationship, but my son has raised her since she was 1.5 and considers her his own (she has no contact with bio father.)
I have been feeling rather snubbed as of late. To start, we have repeatedly asked if we could get 4 y.o granddaughter for a few hours to have at our home (alone) and been ignored or told no. My son told me this is because “they” (DIL I am assuming- my son grew up in my house and was never too good to be around us until he met her) but “they” don’t want their children around “thirdhand” smoke. We smoke inside but only in the kitchen with the fan on and it doesn’t smell. I told him that we of course wouldn’t smoke while they were in our house and he said that doesn’t matter because they think that smoke residue sticks to the inside of the house and that we need to stop completely AND get the house deep cleaned PROFESSIONALLY before they will bring our grandchildren to our house.
This is absolutely devastating to us. I don’t think that DIL should be dictating what we do in our own home while they kids aren’t around in order to have us see our grandchildren and bond with them alone. My son said DIL has had two infants in her family pass away from SIDS (mind you over the last two DECADES, so not exactly a common occurrence) and that exposure to “thirdhand” smoke is a non negotiable no for her.
She is so obsessed with this anxiety she has that she’s even said that my husband and I will need to SHOWER, EVERY SINGLE TIME before we come to see the new baby at their house (as again he won’t be allowed at ours.) She says the “doctor recommended” that anyone who smokes (which is JUST US) showers, changes into freshly washed clothes that “have not been exposed to cigarette smoke,” and refrain from smoking until our visit is done. (In addition to washing our hands before holding him which we would of course already do.)
She says that anyone who comes into the house smelling like cigarette smoke (or strong perfume- wouldn’t want us trying to skip our shower) will not be allowed to hold the baby when they arrive. So if she deems that we smell like cigarettes, she will tell us we cannot hold OUR NEWBORN GRANDSON when we come to their house. She even condescendingly said that they would be “HAPPY TO KEEP A CHANGE OF CLOTHES FOR US AT THEIR HOUSE IF WE DON’T THINK WE CAN KEEP OURS SMOKE FREE”
This all leads me to my next point- I complained to my son, explaining that asking us to shower every single time we come will be way too much and is expecting too much, and that we will likely want/need to go out for a cigarette at some point during our visits to the new baby as it’ll be difficult for us to sit for so long without having a smoke.
My son then says “it shouldn’t be too difficult to sit through the visit without smoking as we are only wanting people to stay for around a half an hour, and the showering shouldn’t be too inconvenient as we will only be interested in having any given person over ONCE A WEEK when he’s newborn.”
They want me, who lives 5 minutes away, to contain my visits to once a week for THIRTY MINUTES. He told me this is because they want to “bond as a family” (we are their family?! And we want to bond with him too!) and that DIL will be “bleeding, exhausted and in pain” (I’ve given birth before- this is dramatic.) He also said that DIL wants to give the baby breast milk and that she doesn’t feel comfortable being exposed in front of guests but won’t “feel like” walking up and down the stairs with baby to feed him so guests can stay, so we will be expected to leave when the baby wants to eat and not come again for another week.
I was never close to my mom (DIL is so I’m sure HER mom will get to be there nonstop) but I let my ex husband’s mother come over as much as she wanted after I had my two sons. She also smoked inside and still got to have my children overnight and for visits whenever she wanted because she is THEIR GRANDMOTHER. I am absolutely appalled and so heartbroken over these “rules” that we’ve had put in place. I always thought we had a good relationship with DIL until we really started noticing that she avoids the subject every time we ask to have their daughter alone.
grandma1sttime
To all the responders here
It seems everyone is fixating on the SMOKING, but not the fact that I’m expected to only visit my newborn grandson (MY FIRST GRANDSON) once a week?! I am struggling to see how once a week for THIRTY MINUTES is not absolutely insulting. I intended to be over after work quite frequently and to have longer visits with my son and grandson on the weekends when I’m off work. Once a week is a fraction of the amount a respected and loved grandmother would be expected or “ALLOWED” to come visit her NEWBORN GRANDCHILD.
In your dreams
Oh goodness me, grandma1sttime
I saw my GC the day after they were born and then now and again. We didn't pop in. We arranged a time and date. Having so many in the family it was always someone's birthday so we'd meet up then
Also, had my parents or in-laws popped in after work and at weekends I'd have made sure we weren't in!
Less demanding and entitlement is the way to go.
grandma1sttime
To all the responders here
It seems everyone is fixating on the SMOKING, but not the fact that I’m expected to only visit my newborn grandson (MY FIRST GRANDSON) once a week?! I am struggling to see how once a week for THIRTY MINUTES is not absolutely insulting. I intended to be over after work quite frequently and to have longer visits with my son and grandson on the weekends when I’m off work. Once a week is a fraction of the amount a respected and loved grandmother would be expected or “ALLOWED” to come visit her NEWBORN GRANDCHILD.
You are not listening!! Or noting the comments on here so not much point in posting!!
You actually have no right to see your grandchild even once a week, and why should we grandparents expect it?
No matter how near we live, we see your grandchildren when their parents choose to let us and I, personally, would have it no other way.
If this thread is to be believed and you really are as unpleasant as you present yourself, I I would say you were heading full tilt into becoming completely estranged from your son, partner and grandchild.
I forsee the day when you will be on the estranged threads complaining that your son and family have cut you out of there lives.
If "many people have called you an alcoholic many times" then you probably do have a drinking problem.
If this isn’t a fictional exercise, you’re lucky they’re considering allowing you to visit at all, given the anger and resentment you have regarding showering, clean clothes, no smoking and the added bonus of alcoholism
Not your baby. Not your decision.
You're going to alienate your son and never see the baby if you're not careful. It happens ALL the time.
The son and his fiancé sound like very sensible people.
The OP must be reading and enjoying these responses, the way the posts are composed, makes me think this is a complete wind up.
What a waste of time.
I would have thought once a week to see your new grandchild was more than reasonable. The child is not a plaything for your entertainment and for a while there will be some time needed by the parents to form a routine. They do not need to work around other people's wishes while doing this.
Personally I think that far too much is made of the smoking situation
Why is everyone fanning the flames This is most probably a totally made up thread if it’s not then it’s hardly worth responding is it she ain’t listening The lady is not for turning
………but I m putting my money in it being a total wind up
2/10 needs more dragons.
If the OP is real, I'd advise the son and DiL to emigrate and put a continent between her and them.
If the OP is real, I'd advise the son and DiL to emigrate and put a continent between her and them.
I'm afraid other posters are correct, this may end in estrangement. Maybe you could rethink some lifestyle choices (hard but not impossible) and stop making demands
If the OP is real, I'd advise the son and DiL to emigrate and put a continent between her and them 
Harsh but fair anno!
Maybe this isn't for real...
But if it is, and that's how you feel, I hope your DS, his partner and their children move as far away from you as it is possible to go, and when it is convenient to meet with you, it's in an indoor public venue. Then you can't smoke, you would presumably have washed and put clean clothes on to go out, and wouldn't have had a drink first.
You've had your time, you had your DS. The new child is not 'something' you have a god-given right to, and why on earth you think you should expect time alone with the older child is baffling, given your blindingly selfish and disgusting attitude to your smoking and drinking.
If you can't end your filthy, stinking and life-threatening habit for the sake of the new baby, it says something really unpleasant about you, and all my sympathy is with your poor DS, his partner and the children.
Stop feeding the troll.
Stop feeding the troll.
Which one? They're everywhere tonight.
This can’t be real because nobody could be as dense as the OP. (Sorry if you are genuine but seriously, who thinks like this??)
My 4 year old recently brought back a teddy bear from MILs house (FIL smokes and the DC have only been allowed there after the age of 1, first thing in the morning so FIL hasn’t been up yet to smoke in the living room and has agreed he won’t smoke inside at all with them present, as I’ve also had family members DC die from SIDS). Anyway, DD gave me this teddy and said ‘sniff this’, I asked why and she said ‘because it smells like nanny x (MIL)’. I think it’s quite sad that a 4 year old recognises the smell of smoke as the smell of her grandmother.
Also hoping she doesn’t say this in front of MIL 
Were you drunk when you wrote this? Yes, YABU.
Maybe it might be a wake up for your mil if your child did say that to her grandmother New mom. Smokers don’t realise quite how smelly they and everything around them are.
It can’t be cleared overnight, it’s pervasive and very unhealthy fir anyone never mind a baby to breath in,
If this is for real then I wish my own family had taken a similar attitude to the OPs. I’ve never smoked but was exposed to a vast amount of smoke from birth. This worries me sometimes but I try not to think about it as there’s nothing I can do. Of course it’s fair to say that no one was aware of the dangers of smoking all those years ago.
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