When I was married I would not have dreamed of allowing my MIL to visit every week. Fortunately she lived 200 miles away. Once a year was enough.
Has anyone got a really good lemon zester?
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AIBU
AIBU to expect to see my new grandson more than once a week/spend time alone with gc?
(119 Posts)Hello all
My son is engaged and he and his fiancé “DIL” are expecting a baby boy in late February. They also have a 4 y.o girl who is DIL’s from a previous relationship, but my son has raised her since she was 1.5 and considers her his own (she has no contact with bio father.)
I have been feeling rather snubbed as of late. To start, we have repeatedly asked if we could get 4 y.o granddaughter for a few hours to have at our home (alone) and been ignored or told no. My son told me this is because “they” (DIL I am assuming- my son grew up in my house and was never too good to be around us until he met her) but “they” don’t want their children around “thirdhand” smoke. We smoke inside but only in the kitchen with the fan on and it doesn’t smell. I told him that we of course wouldn’t smoke while they were in our house and he said that doesn’t matter because they think that smoke residue sticks to the inside of the house and that we need to stop completely AND get the house deep cleaned PROFESSIONALLY before they will bring our grandchildren to our house.
This is absolutely devastating to us. I don’t think that DIL should be dictating what we do in our own home while they kids aren’t around in order to have us see our grandchildren and bond with them alone. My son said DIL has had two infants in her family pass away from SIDS (mind you over the last two DECADES, so not exactly a common occurrence) and that exposure to “thirdhand” smoke is a non negotiable no for her.
She is so obsessed with this anxiety she has that she’s even said that my husband and I will need to SHOWER, EVERY SINGLE TIME before we come to see the new baby at their house (as again he won’t be allowed at ours.) She says the “doctor recommended” that anyone who smokes (which is JUST US) showers, changes into freshly washed clothes that “have not been exposed to cigarette smoke,” and refrain from smoking until our visit is done. (In addition to washing our hands before holding him which we would of course already do.)
She says that anyone who comes into the house smelling like cigarette smoke (or strong perfume- wouldn’t want us trying to skip our shower) will not be allowed to hold the baby when they arrive. So if she deems that we smell like cigarettes, she will tell us we cannot hold OUR NEWBORN GRANDSON when we come to their house. She even condescendingly said that they would be “HAPPY TO KEEP A CHANGE OF CLOTHES FOR US AT THEIR HOUSE IF WE DON’T THINK WE CAN KEEP OURS SMOKE FREE”
This all leads me to my next point- I complained to my son, explaining that asking us to shower every single time we come will be way too much and is expecting too much, and that we will likely want/need to go out for a cigarette at some point during our visits to the new baby as it’ll be difficult for us to sit for so long without having a smoke.
My son then says “it shouldn’t be too difficult to sit through the visit without smoking as we are only wanting people to stay for around a half an hour, and the showering shouldn’t be too inconvenient as we will only be interested in having any given person over ONCE A WEEK when he’s newborn.”
They want me, who lives 5 minutes away, to contain my visits to once a week for THIRTY MINUTES. He told me this is because they want to “bond as a family” (we are their family?! And we want to bond with him too!) and that DIL will be “bleeding, exhausted and in pain” (I’ve given birth before- this is dramatic.) He also said that DIL wants to give the baby breast milk and that she doesn’t feel comfortable being exposed in front of guests but won’t “feel like” walking up and down the stairs with baby to feed him so guests can stay, so we will be expected to leave when the baby wants to eat and not come again for another week.
I was never close to my mom (DIL is so I’m sure HER mom will get to be there nonstop) but I let my ex husband’s mother come over as much as she wanted after I had my two sons. She also smoked inside and still got to have my children overnight and for visits whenever she wanted because she is THEIR GRANDMOTHER. I am absolutely appalled and so heartbroken over these “rules” that we’ve had put in place. I always thought we had a good relationship with DIL until we really started noticing that she avoids the subject every time we ask to have their daughter alone.
I stand firmly beside your son and daughter-in-law.
I am a grandmother to three children of varying ages.
No way on earth would I be allowing any baby/child related to me be in the same space as a cigarette user. They stink, and they're selfish.
A grandmother is not an immediate relative and has no legal right of access unless it can be proved to a court that the parents are unfit.
Due to a schism in my family my grandparents did not get to meet me until I was 4 years old. Thereafter I was taken by my aunt for visits once a month, until I became old enough to visit on my own.
My grandmother disapproved of how I was being treated and wanted to intervene more in my life. She was strongly warned by her solicitor that at any time my parents could deny her access if she pushed too hard. As I grew older I often went to my grandmother's house without my parents knowledge - I used to say I was visiting friends or staying for sports practice after school. The need for secrecy made our time together very special.
The OP seems to be the MiL of GN member tellmey who posted a thread titled “DIL here, can I get some help understanding why there’s such an expectation of “alone time?” on 22nd October 2021 (sorry I don’t know how to link a thread”.
It is their baby, it is up to them what they allow. Be careful what you demand, you don't want to fall out with them.
I loathe the smell of cigarettes and would never take my children anywhere where smoking took place.
Sometimes the truth does hurt.... but the New Year is a good time to evaluate things and decide what your priorities are and what you want your year to look like, what changes you might need to make to be healthier and have better relationships.
Well, I’m definitely with the parents on this one.
For goodness sake grandma1sttime Who made that child? DiLand DS. Who bore him? DiL. The child is not yours . They decide who, when where and indeed if you can visit. Sort yourself out first. And stand back.
grandma1sttime
Wanting to add that I also am not allowed to post photos of the children on my Facebook, and that DIL has said that even if we stopped smoking inside and paid for their ridiculous cleaning that we still couldn’t have the kids for “more than a few hours during the day” because she thinks we are alcoholics. We do love to have drinks in the evenings, but would be perfectly capable of not doing so if we had a reason not to (such as an overnight with our grandchildren.) The word “alcoholic” is very upsetting to me as it has been used to hurt me many times in my life by many different people.
If the word alcoholic has been used many times in your life by many different people maybe you take note of that and start doing something about it and the smoking the same time. It's more likely they were trying to shock into getting help, you not hurt you, but you will see it the other way because you don't want to stop. Think of smoking and drinking as barriers that are going to stop you from seeing your grandchildren, which is more important ? Smoking and drinking or granchildren's health & lovely cuddles from said grandchildren
also :
" I intended to be over after work quite frequently and to have longer visits with my son and grandson on the weekends when I’m off work."
Are you not listening ? Nobody wants that when they've got a new baby it's overwhelming ! In any case it really isn't up to you is it.
Hmm… is this a wind up? Sounds very unreasonable to me. DIL maybe a little precious but having a shower and wearing newly washed clothes before a visit isn’t too much IMO, nor is expecting you to be able to go without a smoke whilst there.
Try a little patience & understanding . confrontation rarely helps.
How about an apology for a start, something along the lines of - I’m sorry if I was a bit over enthusiastic/ eager.
With an added , I’m happy to comply with your wishes etc.
My kids are grown up now, but I would have been horrified at the thought of them being handled by... a smoker!
Why not make a smoking shelter in your garden or better still why not use this New Year as a time to get some free nicotine patches from your Dr or Quitters and attend classes to give up this addiction? Smoking is so addictive but with help from the Quitters team you can give up! Hope you'll be healthier than ever and able to afford to do lovely things and enjoy a better time with your son and his family, too.
I am finding this post a little unbelieveable really, given your resistance to showering and clean clothes. But, what do I know? Maybe there are people who love smelling smoky and don't care enough about other people to do what it takes to be nice to be around? ?♀️
Do what you want, but be aware that your choices have consequences. You might want to weigh those up...
Sallywally1
If I had a new born I would not like my sweet smelling baby being held by some who smokes. They stink! Anyone remember that advert years ago where a women was described as ‘smelling like an old ashtray’.
Their house, their baby, their rules. You refer to, the children as ‘my grandchildren’. Says it all really.
And it gets into the whole fabric of the house.
www.nhsinform.scot/campaigns/take-it-right-outside
However, I'm finding this barely credible, Sallywally, especially the resistance to showering and putting on clean clothes.
?
First - have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar!!
Second - hunni, if you were a non-smoker you would know that the smell of smoke DOES linger, and even if you only smoke in your kitchen you then open the door (if it was even closed) into the rest of the house and the smell drifts!!
Third - these are not your children so yes, you ARE BEING UNREASONABLE!!!
I personally know of a couple who took their child round to a smoking grandparents and I would know upon the child returning where she had been because of the awful smell that clung to her from being there & being held by the grandparents!
Try seeing it from your son and DiL's point of view.
If I had a new born I would not like my sweet smelling baby being held by some who smokes. They stink! Anyone remember that advert years ago where a women was described as ‘smelling like an old ashtray’.
Their house, their baby, their rules. You refer to, the children as ‘my grandchildren’. Says it all really.
I was with a neighbour when she found her baby dead in the carry cot from SIDs, she was a smoker.
Aonk no one was aware of the risk of smoking etc smoke years ago. You would not be the only one.
Embarrassed to say I have a family photo from the 70 s with my new baby in a bouncer and 3 of us smoking. They were different times. We all know better now.
When my daughter lived at home she could always tell when a certain minded child was in the house.
From upstairs in her bedroom she could smell the smoke on their coat hanging in the hall downstairs.
If this is for real then I wish my own family had taken a similar attitude to the OPs. I’ve never smoked but was exposed to a vast amount of smoke from birth. This worries me sometimes but I try not to think about it as there’s nothing I can do. Of course it’s fair to say that no one was aware of the dangers of smoking all those years ago.
Maybe it might be a wake up for your mil if your child did say that to her grandmother New mom. Smokers don’t realise quite how smelly they and everything around them are.
It can’t be cleared overnight, it’s pervasive and very unhealthy fir anyone never mind a baby to breath in,
Were you drunk when you wrote this? Yes, YABU.
Also hoping she doesn’t say this in front of MIL 
This can’t be real because nobody could be as dense as the OP. (Sorry if you are genuine but seriously, who thinks like this??)
My 4 year old recently brought back a teddy bear from MILs house (FIL smokes and the DC have only been allowed there after the age of 1, first thing in the morning so FIL hasn’t been up yet to smoke in the living room and has agreed he won’t smoke inside at all with them present, as I’ve also had family members DC die from SIDS). Anyway, DD gave me this teddy and said ‘sniff this’, I asked why and she said ‘because it smells like nanny x (MIL)’. I think it’s quite sad that a 4 year old recognises the smell of smoke as the smell of her grandmother.
Stop feeding the troll.
Which one? They're everywhere tonight.
Stop feeding the troll.
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